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Relationships

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Original poster

Feeling resentful about dh week away

45 replies

missingmevino · 12/06/2010 21:08

DH has gone away for a week on a lads holiday. We have a 4, 2 and 4 month old.

Am feeling resentful that he has left me alone for a week with the 4 month old still not sleeping through, has used a quarter of his annual holiday for a non family holiday and spent god knows how much.

He has never done this before, infact up until now i have been the envy of friends for our completely equal roles. But to be honest things have not been good since the birth of our third DC (I was more keen than he was for a third). He blames stress and being extremely busy at work, which will get better in few months.

Please help me get some perspective on this. He says its only a week away, he still loves me and the kids and all is OK. I am worried about him coming back and not being able to hide the resentment I'm feeling and our relationship getting worse. (I am never very good at pretending). A weekend would have been fine. A week seems to be taking the p*ss.

WWYD?

OP posts:

FabIsGettingFit · 12/06/2010 21:10

A week is way out of line but he has gone now and he needs to make it up to you when he gets back by you having 2-3 clear days where he sorts the kids.

MaamRuby · 12/06/2010 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hf128219 · 12/06/2010 21:11

Well, it's tricky really. It all depends on how you cope/deal with it.

This is my dh's ist weekend at home since February, what with work and other things.

I only have one dc though, not 3.

Original poster

missingmevino · 12/06/2010 21:13

Yes we did discuss it. I initially said no way, and he delayed booking. Then i felt guilty as he never normally goes on things like this and said ok so he booked it. Then regretted saying ok, but i guess as i agreed i can't really complain can i?! aaargh, i am probably being really unreasonable, must be the lack of sleep......

OP posts:

mophead5 · 12/06/2010 21:16

did you discuss this hol before he agreed to go?
why dont you have a girls only hol when he gets back?
3 kids are really hard work...maybe eh just needed a break, we all do sometimes.

FabIsGettingFit · 12/06/2010 21:17

True, but a week?

OrmRenewed · 12/06/2010 21:18

Think how much you might appreciate a week away. Let him go and enjoy his break. Then do the same yourself later.

MaamRuby · 12/06/2010 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeyoukay · 12/06/2010 23:21

Just becuase you have children doesn't mean he is now shackled to you 24/7 for the rest of his life.

It's only a week you'll get over it.

cat64 · 12/06/2010 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

moondog · 12/06/2010 23:42

You said he could go, you can't stop getting arsey now.

Be noble, let him go, welcome him home with good grace and then plan your own outing when ready.

I've had years of my dh being away for weeks on end (work stuff) and it has been hard. However, now my children are older and I do something very specific in a faraway country for a week with a gang of friends who share my interests.

He doesn't raise any objection, I have a great time, and he takes the kids off on a family tour.

skidoodly · 13/06/2010 00:41

'Just becuase you have children doesn't mean he is now shackled to you 24/7 for the rest of his life."

Yeah, because that's what she wants, to chain him to her forever

When you have children you don't put your spouse in the position of having to refuse completely unreasonable requests.

Going away for a week, leaving your partner with 3 children under 5, using up a significant portion of the time you have available to spend with your children and spending large amounts of family money just so you can have a break is bullshit.

Nobody is entitled to a break at the expense of their family, and that's what this guy is taking.

He asked, she said no. He should not have accepted it when she changed her mind. Any fair minded person would have realised that she just felt guilty about saying "no".

When he comes back you need to have a proper conversation about what has changed between you that he now thinks it's acceptable to treat you in this way.

Also, you need to book your own week's holidays where he is left to look after the children alone.

Malificence · 13/06/2010 10:36

If he's had a stressful few months, then so have you and he should have used his leave to take the family away for some r&r, he's utterly selfish and I agree with skidoodly.

pinkgrapefruitjuice · 13/06/2010 10:52

He owes you big time
Start planning some spa days or a weekend break with friends...
Give and take.

Meanwhile, can you get a bit of help from friends and relatives while he is away?

Alouiseg · 13/06/2010 11:06

It's a great idea to put some space between you if you havnt been getting on, with him out of the way you can eat when you want and sleep when you can. See it as an opportunity, don't waste time being resentful. He'll come back refreshed then you can have your turn.

shimmerysilverglitter · 13/06/2010 14:17

Personally I think that if he is great the rest of the time then this is ok.

My problem would be if he was difficult about you doing something similar.

The thought of never being able to go away on a weeks holiday alone just because I was married with a family would just be too depressing for words.

beingsetup · 13/06/2010 14:26

My ex went away a few times for a couple of weeks at a time visiting family and it was really hard. But if he is good the rest of the time you might be best off letting him go, keeping a stiff upper lip and then letting him treat you well because he feels so guilty.

I would be worried about it being a lads holiday, as that rings a few warning bells.

But you know his mates I don't

Bumblingbovine · 13/06/2010 14:26

Am I the only onw who thinks this is a bit about having a third child. The Op says her hasband hasn't done anything like this before. It has only been 4 months since the birth and the op's DH may well still br unhappy that he has been made to accept a third child and the "lack of time" that comes with that. He may just be carving some out for himself I think he just needs some time and frankly the OP may need to suck it up just a bit.

I'm not sure the Op's she will be too happy looking after all 3 at the moment wither. I'm not daying this is right anf of course with time this must change but I think give the fact that the OP got her way about having a thrd childm, a ittle bit of leeway in these still early months may be in order to give her dh time to adjust.

As to the op finding it hard to hide her resentment, what about the resentment that comes with agreeing to another child when it isn't completely what you want.

Bumblingbovine · 13/06/2010 14:30

LadyLapsang · 13/06/2010 14:45

Yes, I agree Bumblingbovine, definitely think there is a link between missing being 'more keen' for a third and her DH going on holiday for the first time without her. I predict it will also be difficult for missing to push for a holiday in return because her DH will say the cost of a third child will be much more than the odd extra holiday (for him).

darkandstormy · 13/06/2010 17:16

So while he is away, I would be spending this week planning my week away.BTW I would not have a huge issue with him going, it is just that you also need a break.As you said he wasn't as much into having dc3, sohe probably wants some space.

Butterbur · 13/06/2010 17:36

My three were born at about the same intervals as yours, and DH was working away from home Monday to Friday when the third was born.

It is very hard dealing with two preschoolers and a tiny baby. I wouldn't have managed had my lovely Mum and Dad not come and spent Monday to Friday with me every week until DD was 6 months.

Can you get any help? What about staying with parents/sisters for the week? if you're flush with cash, can you get a temporary nanny to entertain the toddlers while you recover from night time feeds?

I also think you need to assert your right to equal time away from DCs. You say you have been equal until now. Make sure it stays that way, and book your week away. If you can't get girlfriends to go, go on your own. Spend a week at a spa, or painting, or whatever you've always wanted to do. I failed utterly at this, and I so regret it. I'm just the dogsbody now.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2010 17:54

I absolutely agree with skidoodle on this.

Although now you are in a slightly difficult position as you did eventually say yes, he played on your guilt and wore you down

That is not the the mindset of someone who truly cares about the impact of his actions upon the rest of the family

A week is too much, with 3 young children to care for

Would you have even considered doing this, before he forced the issue ? Do you have any worries about what exactly will be going on during this "lad's" holiday ? Are all the other participants family men too...or are they footloose and fancy-free (or like to act as if they are...?)

You are not unreasonable to be miffed...and perhaps in future you will stick to your guns and say what you really mean. Instead of trying to be "cool" with something you are obviously not....

Have the courage to stand up for yourself next time. And there probably will be a next time, unfortunately...

Alouiseg · 13/06/2010 19:58

Maybe he needs a break? Maybe you do too, maybe when he gets home you should book a break with your friends or use the same financial resources to pay for some childcare that will benefit you.

fluffles · 13/06/2010 20:01

well, now that he's had a holiday and missed the kids you can take yourself off next weekend and let him catch up with his kids

purely for his benefit of course

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