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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling resentful about dh week away

45 replies

missingmevino · 12/06/2010 21:08

DH has gone away for a week on a lads holiday. We have a 4, 2 and 4 month old.

Am feeling resentful that he has left me alone for a week with the 4 month old still not sleeping through, has used a quarter of his annual holiday for a non family holiday and spent god knows how much.

He has never done this before, infact up until now i have been the envy of friends for our completely equal roles. But to be honest things have not been good since the birth of our third DC (I was more keen than he was for a third). He blames stress and being extremely busy at work, which will get better in few months.

Please help me get some perspective on this. He says its only a week away, he still loves me and the kids and all is OK. I am worried about him coming back and not being able to hide the resentment I'm feeling and our relationship getting worse. (I am never very good at pretending). A weekend would have been fine. A week seems to be taking the p*ss.

WWYD?

OP posts:

LittleLebowskiUrbanAchiever · 13/06/2010 20:10

I totally see your issue: would be hugely resentful. I agree a week is unfair, especially with such little children. And I can see how you felt you had to say yes so he didn't end up resenting you instead. It is totally crap and selfish of him to want to go, knowing that you will have to work your arse off at home on your own.

But

You did say yes, and being an arse when he gets back is only going to make your situation even worse and pull you further apart. In the short term, the rant will get things off your chest, but you do risk leaving him a bit miffed that you said yes then gave him grief anyway.

Better to be nice on his return, then work in some time for you to spend together (without kids??) and then maybe you will actually want to either a) spend your time away from kids with each other or b) give the other person a break without secretly hating them for it.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2010 20:47

I just think this bloke is a bit of a shit, tbh

My DH would never have asked in the first place...and he is not henpecked, just respectful

GeekOfTheWeek · 13/06/2010 21:11

Completely agree with skidoodly and AF.

What kind of lads holiday is it?

If its ibiza or faliraki etc then I think theres more to it than needing some r&r.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2010 21:21

well, since OP hasn't been back, we may never know

a lad's week on a kibbutz, prayer-reading and meditating ?

a lad's week rubbing stones on a Welsh beach in the rain ?

a lad's week climbing a fuck-off mountain in Siberia ?

or a lad's week in Benidorm/Ibiza/Malia/NewQuay ????

it might give us a clue...

WidowWadman · 13/06/2010 21:29

How does a week away make someone an arse or disrespectful? Some marriages seem very claustrophobic.

compo · 13/06/2010 21:35

My dh goes away one week every year

I go away for 2-3 weekends every year

it's win-win

I'd hate to be one of those couples who always do everything together

then when your old you've lost all your mates and are stuck with each other 24/7 like my inlaws, slowly driving each other round the bend

my parents are in their 70s and still have weeks away with their friends

that's how me and dh will be I hope

AnyFucker · 13/06/2010 21:36

WW...you don't think that a "marriage" is a "partnership" when the children are so young ?

and that leaving one of the partners completely alone for so long smacks of selfishness ?

a weekend...yes, maybe as long as both partners get to indulge

a whole week...save that for when the kids are much less full-on

I had 5 days girly hols last year...but my kids are 13 and 9

my DH has a golfing weekend every year

compromise is the key

this particular bloke is taking the piss, IMO

WidowWadman · 13/06/2010 21:43

As long as she's allowed a week off when she feels like it, too, I can't see a problem.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2010 21:49

she hasn't told us that though

all she is feeling at the moment is aggrieved, and I don't blame her

mayorquimby · 13/06/2010 21:53

"He asked, she said no. He should not have accepted it when she changed her mind."

Sorry but WTF?

mjinhiding · 13/06/2010 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 13/06/2010 21:57

mj...when do you get your turn ?

and where did he go (and who with ?)

SleepingLion · 13/06/2010 22:00

You agreed to him going away and are now feeling resentful? A little unfair, don't you think? It's not as if he told you he was going regardless of your feelings - he didn't book it until you said OK. How was he supposed to know that your 'yes' really meant 'no'?

Original poster

missingmevino · 13/06/2010 22:02

Thanks everyone

Yes me having a week away would be fine with him (he's had the kids while i have been away on girlie weekends). Its just that i would never dream of going away for a WEEK with 3 young kids. Maybe thats a difference between men and women.....

Bumbling I have a horrible feeling you may be right and it is about the 3 kids. We talked about TTC DC3 for about 5 months before we were in agreement. He had issues re time and money. I knew i would regret not having a third. Didnt help that DC3 was conceived so quickly either, didnt really give him chance to get used to it. Maybe we need to sit down and talk about this more than the actual holiday away??

OP posts:

SleepingLion · 13/06/2010 22:05

But if your having a week away would be fine with him, it's not his fault that you don't want to take advantage of it. It's not as if he's forbidding you to have a holiday while he disappears off with the lads every five minutes.

mjinhiding · 13/06/2010 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mjinhiding · 13/06/2010 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

missingmevino · 13/06/2010 22:11

SleepingLion - fair point. This is probably what i need to hear. I think i am being unfair, its not as if he does this all the time. Will take the advice on here and welcome him back with good grace, and book a weekend away for when the littl'un stops breastfeeding. Just hope i haven't completely screwed things up by insisting on the 3rd DC.............our marriage was always so strong, this is the first blip in 12 years.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/06/2010 22:20

this isn't about a lads holday at all then

< slopes off >

Chandon · 14/06/2010 12:13

my DH did this, I was a bit resentful but also completely understood he wanted a break, don´t we all, and I told him I´d plan a few days off for myself further down the line.

My DH really appreciated the freedom of being able to go on this trip, and came back very relaxed and grateful.

I was a bit stroppy, but just told him that I could not help but feel a bit cross about the whole thing, and felt it was selfish of him. He said he thought that I had been very generous, and that obviously I could also take time off.

So in a few days I´m off to Berlin for a long weekend with friends.

So it did work, because he agreed that what goes for him, goes for me.

So if your DH is happy for you to do something similar, then do that, and think that this week you are arning yourself a little holiday further down the line!

If your DH thinks he is entitled to trips, but you are not, then you have a problem...

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