I don't know what to do.

[isloveenough]

Ok, I'm not a parent yet, but use this site a lot. Have name changed for this.

I'm 23, DP is 44. We've been together 7 years (yesterday).

Everything was wonderful for ages, despite the age gap. It really was. But recently, I just feel completely unhappy and stressed.

DP drinks a lot, and seems recently to rely on it more. He drinks after work, and nowadays he doesn't call me or answer my calls, he just strolls in whenever he's finished in the pub. I think that he should at least let me know if he's not going to be home until 9/10. He says I'm trying to control his life/I'm telling him what to do.

Yesterday (our anniversary) I cooked a nice meal and bought him a lovely card. Nothing from him, not a phone call, a text, a card, a cuddle... He said that to make up for it he would take me out for a meal tonight. Well he's just arrived home, drunk, I've been calling him all night. He says that he didn't say that and that I'm attention seeking because I was crying.

I feel insignificant, worthless, pointless to him. But I love him. I can't help it, I just love him. I feel like he might change one day and be like he was before.

Is love enough? Surely if I love him, then it's worth it? He says he loves me, and that he shouldn't have to keep saying/showing it. I should just know.

I've never told anyone how I feel. I guess just writing it down is a huge thing. Any advice would be really appreciated.

he sounds like a bit of a twat to me!
i get what he means when jhe says that he loves you and he shouldn't have to keep saying it etc etc

BUT, when you love someone you WANT to say it and show them... don't you?

I dunno if the age gap has anything to do with it or not, or if it's just one of those things. he needs to buck his ideas up thoughh

I used to go out with much older men. You were with a 37 year old when you were 16. Same was true for me... and it was only recently that I realised that actually they could have found themselves on the sex offenders' register/

Do yourself a favour - he's a habit that needs breaking. You deserve so much better. Leave him - he won't change - they never do.

I'm wondering what it is that you love about him? It might help clarify why you have put up with his behaviour so far. My guess is that he will not change unless he truly believes he will lose you if he doesn't. It's also possible that the drink now has such a hold on him that unless he admits he's dependent and willingly seeks help to change, he won't actually be able to cut down or stop on his own.

I don't know if I can leave. Often, I really want to. I sometimes don't see the point in staying. But then I worry about him. Will he be alright? Will I ever stop loving him? Will anyone else want me? God this is horrible.

of course he will be alright. he's a grown man.

he clearly doesn't have much respect for you. I have to admit I really would wonder about the real intentions of any 37 yr old who is interested in a 16 yr old girl. maybe he's had his fun and is now unintersted?

and yo're only 23! if you feel like you want out then get out. I know it's hard... you've been together for a long time, but you have to do what is best for you.

Also, if you've been together since you were 16 you haven't had any experience of being a single adult woman. I agree with thisis that his wellbeing is really not your responsibility. In some ways, if you did leave it could be the wake-up call he very obviously needs. You are so young, there is so much out there for you - I know it's hard to believe it. I'm slightly older than your DP and I want to give him a slap on your behalf!!

He's an alcoholic.

OMG!!! I don't want to be rude, but WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? It seems like you're in the prime of your life, waiting at home for a man who has an alcohol addiction to pull himself out of it and put something into the relationship. If it's affecting things like your anniversary - he's got a real problem, and I suggest you take DRASTIC action now.
You've been with him seven years - from past experience - DON'T WASTE ANOTHER SECOND.
My mum was an alcoholic, and so is my ex. They don't want saving - no, really, they DON'T, and even if they do, the only person who can do it is them, and whilst they have people propping them up through their addiction, they won't do anything about it.
Leave. Or ask him to leave. But mean it and stick to it. IF you split up, he gets himself sorted out (which could take years) and you still love him enough to get back together, so be it.
I kicked out my ex (with 2 small DC's and no income to pay the mortgage with), managed to survive, and am now happily married to DH who is not an alcoholic, or anything else odd, but is calm, sane, lovely, caring, kind, and all the things you SHOULD have in a relationship.

I sincerely wish you lots of strength to sort this out with, because it won't be easy - but you CAN do it. Get as much support from friends/family/support groups and professionals.

Lots of love and best wishes for an emotionally abusive free life.

Sorry to be blunt but I suspect one of the main reasons he's not settled with a family at his age is behaviour like this.

This sounds so far removed from what you should be able to expect in a relationship that i can't see it possibly working out. Any if he hasn't changed his outlook in 7 years together, he isn't going to now I'm afraid.

You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it with someone who treats you like shit. Because he is, I'm afraid.

I also think you perhaps have low self-esteem when you say you don't know if you can leave him. Have a bit of respect for yourself and demand better!

Thanks everyone. I think you're right. this is so hard. I can't imagine my life without him, I guess because he's been there for so long.

I think the hardest thing of all is that I love him and he is not all bad. There are good points (though less so now). But everthing is spoiled by the pub. Everything. Whatever we plan to do, the pub comes first - not because he stays all night every time and gets wasted, but he can't seem to say to no to one or two pints.

It's dawning on me that actually he's not going to change. He doesn't want to, does he, or he would!

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

That's it, really. You are 23. I know it might seem patronising etc but really, the years before children are your years to just milk life for all its worth and once they're gone, you'll never get them back. You should have time to be a grown up by yourself. You should have girlie holidays and the thrill of flirtation with random handsome strangers. You should not have to feel responsible for an overgrown baby who calls you 'controlling' and 'attention seeking'. You've been with him since you were 16 and are used to the security of having a partner but you don't need it.

At 16, having the attentions of a 37 year old man will have felt special and flattering but the older you get, the stranger you will find it that someone of this age took an interest in you when you were still a child. I have three close friends who were in relationships with much older men in their youth and - without an exception - not one of them is with that person now and not one of them looks back and sees the relationship as appropriate. It's not the age gap, per se: if he was 44 now and met you as a 23 year old, that would be very different. It's the fact that you were a child when you met. Why did he, as a grown man, feel the need to form a mature, sexual relationship with such a young girl? There are different ways of looking at this but the most benign is that he chose never to grow up, which makes sense since he's behaving like a child now. Maybe you are outgrowing this. Maybe he knows it, too.

Get out, get out, get out, get out.

I can't say it enough.

agree with the rest. at 23 you have your whole lfe ahead of you, and are too young to have to contend wiyh what you're living with. luckily no children to consider. GET OUT THERE!! Seriously, go out and live a fulfilling life, someone worthy will come along who treats you in a way that you'll Know he loves you.

don't waste your best years. he'll never change. he'll be alright when you leave. and sure you don't want to hear this but, you'll be quickly replaced by a younger model.

at worst, get out for a trial break and see how that goes.

Oh you poor thing, being in a relationship shouldn't make you feel worthless, insignificant and pointless.

I suspect that loads of people on mn had rather crap relationships in their late teens and early 20's. I know I did (with a variety of drunkards), so did my dh, my sisters and close RL friends. I've always felt that this is when you work out recognise a good 'un when he/she comes along

The difference was that for you, it's all been with the same person. So it seems like a much more significant relationship than it would if you'd had three crap boyfriends lasting a year or so each, and some time being single.

I am willing to bet that the person who has changed is you: you've grown up, a lot. Your expectations about what a relationship is have matured and sadly his have not (he won't have done much growing up as he was an adult when all this started, unlike a situation where you were both 16/17 when it all started).

It is going to be harder to end a relationship that has been going on for 7 years than one that lasts 6 months or a year but it sounds like that is what needs to happen.

It seems like everyone here is giving you the same advice, but whatever you decide keep posting and there will be be virtual tea & sympathy.

Is this Dave Tesla?

Hi IsLoveEnough. Just wanted to send you lots of hugs whilst you continue to struggle through your emotional torture. I really don't believe that just to say he loves you is enough. Try to imagine what it would be like to get a phone call on Friday evening from a lovely partner who says he has booked a table at a restaurant or perhaps takes you away on a city break or just generally looks after and cares for you and makes you feel special and is interested in what you do. Do something for YOU. Break the cycle. Do it TODAY. Put on some lovely summery clothes and waltz off into town on your own or muster up some girlie friends to talk it over with and get control of your fantastic life. Try out how it would feel to be you, having fun, with no worries and your whole life ahead.
xxxx

It sounds like he's behaviour is getting worse, if this is how he behaves now what will he be like in 5 years or when you have a family.

As an aside, does he have any children? does he want them?

I have a horrible feeling you're staying with him because you want to prove you can make it work, but sometimes you can't and you can do better.....

You don't need to waste any more of your life on an alcoholic waster like this man is because they don't change. Love is not enough in these situations, you will only get dragged down more by him. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved. You can only help your own self here and doing that means leaving him. No two ways about it.

He cares far more about the drink and the pub than you. Everything and everyone else around the heavy drinker comes a dim and distant second. His primary relationship is now with drink.

You have become his enabler. You likely prop him up, make excuses for him and feel very responsible for him. Actually you are not responsible for him. He is making a conscious choice here.

This is truly no life for a 23 year old is it?. You met this guy when you were 16. This is no disrespect to you at all but you were naive (he took advantage of that, why he did take such an interest in you?) and had no life experience to use as a point of reference. You were taken in by him. You probably felt flattered to receive the attentions of an elder man as well particularly if for instance life at home was not good at that time and he made you feel more grown up.

It is possible for you to make another life for your own self because this relationship is actually going nowhere. Infact its dying on its feet now and the cracks have been there for some considerable time.

Al-anon would be worth calling as well.

If I were you, I'd find my passport, pack one of those gorgeous weekend bags from New Look, and go to Spain, or a Balearic Island, or somewhere..get a job and not come back.

That's what a gorgeous young woman of your age should be doing....seeing the world, making friends and HAVING FUN! Not parenting some sad, soaked loser.

Just think of all those things out there in the world just waiting for YOU.

Love yourself first. The rest will follow naturally.

When I look back at what I was doing at your age I feel so sorry for you.

At 23, I finished with a guy I'd been seeing for 5 years and I worked as an au pair in Switzerland, then worked as a courier in the South of France on a campsite. Had several more jobs before training up for my career at 29. You could leave this man and travel to a lovely live-in job somewhere. I loved my 20's and feel it's awful that you're in this situation when there's so much on offer.

I always feel that the ages of early 30's is totally the most glamorous and attractive age for a woman, so you're still young enough to have fun and then settle down with someone a few years on.

I'm divorcing my H now for his adultry, but the last 8 years of his drinking killed the marriage. In your op you said you have no kids "yet". Hope you're not planning to have them with this guy.

Hope you get out of this marriage, I don't think a marriage with a drinker is tolerable, it won't get better it'll just get worse. You'll have to leave at some point anyway if you want to stay sane.

I still love the guy I'm divorcing but it couldn't have gone on. I'm "lucky" I s'pose as he found another woman so he left me.

I know that I would have stayed with him forever despite the drink as I just remembered and still do, how wonderful he used to be. When he wasn't there I'd sit daydreaming about him, smiling to myself, waiting for his return and looking forward to seeing him, then he'd walk in and it was awful every time.

If he's like this on your anniversary then there's really little chance he's going to change back to how he was.

SK

Thisishowifeel has said the same thing as well! I'm going to look at the New Look website now.....

SK

Isloveenough, I think you realise that he isn't going to change. Why would he?

You need to ask yourself if you will be happy spending the rest of your life like this.

At 23 you have the world at your feet and you really do deserve to enjoy your life. You need to put yourself first. Your 20's and 30's are the best time of your life, please make yourself happy.

I read somewhere that love happens for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It sounds corny but it's always helped me to get over bad relationships in the past. In hindsight, I wouldn't change them, I've learnt so much and I'm now really happy in the kind of relationship that I didn't even know existed.

Do you have good support, friends and family, who can help you get your life back on the track you want to take?

Good luck, really, you deserve to be happy.

thanks everyone. luckily i do have just enough self esteem left to agree...i do deserve to be happy. i want children one day, but there's no way i would have them with him the way he is. he has a teenage daughter, and he is a good dad in some ways, but doesn't make enough effort for her either.

RR - no it's not Dave. Sorry to hear there's more of the same.

What worries me most is all this love i have for him. Atilla, you've hit the nail on the head. I've never heard of being an 'enabler', but that's me. I'm always singing his praises and exaggerating. I think i do it so that people don't think i'm a victim and don't feel like i'm weak.

i have grown up a lot. at 16, i was working in a pub, sitting with my mates in the park, going to loads of gigs. now at 23 i have a degree, bills to pay and a professional job. maybe you're right, i've outgrown him and he doesn't like it.

thisis gave brilliant advice. IME, an open-ended air ticket cures the sickest heart.

ile, you're already qualified and have started your career. Fantastic! You could go away for 3 or 4 years, come back and pick up right where all the other 27-year-olds are in your profession.

If you're too nervous to open yourself to the winds of opportunity, how about asking your employers for a one-year sabbatical?

You won't have any bills to pay while you're away

Oh please just move on. You're young, and you sound bright and nice - don't waste your youth on this. Don't settle. Have some fun with your life - you only get the one shot. Don't blow it with someone who won't change.