Can you be happy being 'unhappily married'?

[soursusan]

I have been with dh for 13 years, and married for 10. We have two dcs. For alot of the past 7 years I have been unhappy, and now accept that I will never be happy with dh. However, I am terrified of the consequences of splitting up, hurting everyone in my family especially my children. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and resigned themselves to making the best of things, and finding happiness from the other things in life? Is this possible?

ooooooo bad news is that i think this probably does as much damage to children as you think splitting up does

ive no experience of this but id rather have two happy separated parents than two miserable together ones.

so depends very much on how you feel. life is short.

I don't think it's possible if you're actually unhappy. I think some couples manage to find a way of rubbing along together,even though they may not have a great relationship - by having a lot of separate interests/friendships etc

But to actually feel unhappy, rather than just neutral - no, I think this will transmit itself to the children and make them unhappy.

I stayed for years 'because of the children'

We didn't row. There wasn't tension. The grief and sadness was inside of me.

Until I could no longer function.

This battle raged and my children have told me that they were relieved when we finally parted. However........ it's still the worse possible thing for me to have 'done' to my children. Ideally I'd have made my marriage work. So I'd never encourage a split but don't kid yourself that being unhappily married is good either

Sorry

The split will upset your children, yes, but it is temporary. There are ways you can do things to minimise the damage on them as well. But Vicarinatutu is right - staying in a bad relationship is also damaging to your children. Sorry

This is the thing, we don't argue,so its not an unpleasant enviroment for the children to grow up in, but they're only small - 7 and 5, so it still possible to hide how you're feeling, may not be possible when they are older.
Victoria - were you the one that said you wanted to leave? did your dh say he loved you? I know my dh will say he loves me etc... but its how you act and not what you say that really counts, and there have been times when I've really needed him, and he's let me down so completely, I don't think I will ever get over it.

Just because you don't argue though doesn't mean they are not aware, children pick up more than you realise. Also, they will be thinking that this kind of relationship is normal and so more likely to go into the same kind of relationship when they are older.

I was 6 when my parents split up and I am glad that they did. Both of them are much happier now than they would have been together.

Sorry, I don't mean to go on - I will go away now I promise

It depends how unhappy you are, and why. If you're unhappy because your H is abusive, or addicted to drugs/alcohol/gambling, or is a lazy disrespectful parasite then no, get out of the situation.
If you're just a bit bored and neither of you is very interested in sex but you don't mind each other, then you might be able to carry on. It depends how important a romantic/sexual couple-relationship is to both of you. If the answer is 'not very' and you are comfortable with each other and treat each other with kindness and courtesy then there is no real reason to change things in the pursuit of some imaginary 'perfect' relationship.

I feel like this a lot, been with DP 6 years but not yet married. I am having second thoughts about actually marrying him, but I do still love him and won't split up. I feel like I'm in limbo. .... Sorry, this probably doesn't help

I think that showing your children what a truly loving relationship looks like is one of the best life lessons you can give them. If you are actually miserable, you are doing them a massive disservice by staying together, in my opinion.

BoF - completely agree (my parents did the absolute opposite)

food for thought

i was lucky enough that my parents had a very amicable split, and i love my parents too much to be selfish enough to believe the myth that theyd be happier together. my parents would have been miserable if they would have stayed together, and i would have never forgiven myself.

I think the best thing I ever did for my eldest daughter was leaving my (twatty but not dreadful-in-her-eyes) ex. Even if I'd never met my wonderful DP, at least I would have shown her that it was possible to strike out on your own and have a full life without having to take shit from anyone. As it is, I'm really glad that she has at least seen it is possible to respect and co-operate with the other person but value yourself enough to not settle for less than real affection and closeness from your partner.

Soursusan, I've started a very similar thread.
The advice has been amazing - if you are not happy, your kids will see through whatever facade you put up.
I'm so scared too, but know that for my life to progress I have to move on. I have been married to DH for 13 years, together for 15 and to be honest I was so young when we met that I'm hoping I'll be able to reignite some of the old me that I've obviously lost since being with him.
Good luck with whatever decision you make, but remember that your happiness is essential to the happiness of your children too.

I want to show my children what a loving relationship should be like

My exH was an emotionally abusive manipulative git or a withdrawn 'non particpant' in family life.

We didn't row

Still was horrid

Am glad I've left

Apparently he still loves me..... (so much so that he is 'forced' to be horrible to me in his grief

Susan, I had no concept of what a loving, relaxed & supportive family felt like until I was well into adulthood. There were glimpses - at schoolfriends' houses sometimes - and I thought they were magical, but my parents said every family was the same as ours, they just hid it

Your marriage is clearly nothing like the psychodrama my parents manufactured. But I wanted to tell you that simple fact, above. No matter how well-behaved you & H are around the kids, they will never know that feeling. They'll assume a certain degree of froideur is normal. They'll attract odd friends, because of their emotional reticence. They'll be robbed of the childhood we're all supposed to enjoy.

You can create this feeling with only one full-time parent; in fact, it's far easier if the other parent was a bit of an emotional 'taker'.

Two parents in a not-loving marraige can also create it, but only if there's a large amount of respect and affection between them. An unhappy parent puts emotional stresses on the children, whether or not they mean to.

I think there is a big difference between an unhappy relationship and one where both partners are taking a pragmatic view that romantic couplehood is not important so the y will stick with what they've got.
It's worth bearing in mind that romantic couplehood isn't compulsory, as well: so if you are a single parent, don't feel the need to find a partner to model conformity to your DC.

This is a fascinating thread as it seems remarkably similar to the situation I'm in.

With us, things have come to a head for me because we are talking of moving house, to something much bigger and more expensive. As we are, we could afford to run 2 households, but were we to move, I feel I would be committing myself to staying with dh long term.

Most of the time things are fine. We are definitely not 'in love' with each other any more. dh can be an absolute shit to me sometimes, but can be kind and thoughtful too.

Sometimes I feel I try to over-analyse things and that if I'm not always completely miserable, then there's no point changing things. The grass is always greener, better the devil you know kind of thoughts.

When do issues between a couple become insurmountable? How much do the children really pick up? dh is rarely here anyway, doesn't see them from Mondat to Friday and plays very little part in the practicalities of their upbringing. Is it so awful to live together, even if their image of a father is not ideal. What would change by splitting up? Then they would really see his selfishness. At least at the moment I feel I can shelter them a bit from him. It would be more difficult if we lived apart and they would be supposed to go and stay with him. That would frankly terrify me as he has a terrible temper, is totally unaware of children's needs and safety.

I don't know what the answer is, but we muddle along. I'm often unhappy but really not sure if leaving could be the right thing to do. But I don't want to move as that would take the option away from me. I sympathise.

Thankyou everyone for replying its been really interesting. I guess the problem is that a romantic realtionship is v important to me, and the fact that I don't have one makes me v unhappy. I want to be with somoene that at the end of a long day I look forward to being with. which is'nt the case now.
The other big problem about us splitting up which I have'nt mentioned is the financial problems it would cause, not only for me and the children, but also we own, and pay half of my parents mortgage (they had their house repossessed in the 1990s). There is no way I can put my mum through losing a house again.
help! I just feel there is no way of getting out of this.

Can you extend the mortage period on your mum's house, and/or switch it to interest-only? If you split, would you both continue to pay it or would DH want out? Do you & DH both work - would you be able, between you, to keep up both mortgages and rent a flat for him? Or is there enough equity in the family home to fund a smaller house plus a flat?

Depending on where you live & your line of work, more creative possibilities might be available. A couple I know have sold their perfectly nice house in favour of a 'park home'. These are meant as holiday homes, but are brand new & solidly built - and set in hundreds of acres of protected woodlands. It was so cheap, they bought it outright There are also housing co-ops, communes, shared ownership schemes and live/work premises ...

Dh is the main earner, I work part time and don't earn much (barely covers food bill!) - I could go back FT. At the moment my parents mortgage is interest only anyway, we did it partly as an investment, I suppose I'm hoping dh would keep it on as an investment, it depends on how reasonable he wants to be.
This is when i think is all this worth it? putting everyone elses lives and happiness on the line for what I want?

You're not. People can be happy with fewer material things, as long as the basics are found. Their 'lives' aren't on the line. You're not the sole source of life OR happiness for any of these people, but you are responsible for your own.

Your happiness, or unhappiness, will affect your DCs. I don't know how your relationship with your parents is, but there's a good chance they'd rather see you happy than dying a slow emotional death.

Another friend of mine (this one's wealthy) swapped a vast family home in London for an average-sized one in a more congenial (to her) part of town. She thought her kids would mind losing their games room, trampoline space and so forth. She was wrong. Everybody's happier.

I keep wanting to ask if you can see a way to developing a good relationship with DH. But then I see where you wrote he hasn't been there for you when you needed him. That's a big thing. If improvement is impossible, I feel it's healthier for everybody if you set yourself free. That saying "money can't buy happiness" isn't always true: for you, it might be worth the price.

IsGraceAvailable -

Hate to say it, I feel quite uncomfortable reading your advice to OP. I know there is nothing but kindness meant, but how can you say with such certainty that she would be happy, that her parents and DCs would be happy? How can you know what will happen to her, where is the guarantee?

I'm sorry, I realise this must sound rather heartless in a situation where comfort is so desperately needed. But honestly, these situations are horribly complex and a divorce is no magic cure. You simply don't know what will happen afterwards, especially if it is sprung on a DP and family out of the blue.

Good luck OP ...

Sometimes I do push a poster to break up their marriage - where abuse is involved, although the OP may not yet have recognised it as such.

In this case, soursusan hasn't suggested she's in an abusive relationship. She has said she's unhappy, and has tried the usual approaches to improve her marriage. If I seem to be pushing you, Susan, I apologise. I thought I was helping you to consider a wider set of options, so you might feel less trapped.

FWIW, I don't believe anybody should resign themselves to a life of unhappiness. And I do think striking out afresh is better for you than seeking an affair.

Hope that clarifies my pov.

I'm bored, unfulfilled and generally unhappy most of the time if I'm honest, but the 'grass often seems greener on the other side' (a cliche, but true) and it would need to be much worse for me to consider leaving.