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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just wondering: when men are no longer attracted to you; is this inevitable after a long period of time?

32 replies

ermmmmmmmmm · 10/06/2010 19:48

I've just become single after 6 years together (no children). EX DP said he is no longer attracted to me; I'm the same in every which way.

So is it inevitable almost after a few years that you not longer feel attracted to each other? Are there various degrees of attraction; he was always attracted to me enough to have sex FFS!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/06/2010 20:00

no, it is not inevitable

there are plenty of women on here who have been in their relationships for 20+ years who say their attraction to each other is still strong (with the inevitable ups and downs, of course)

your exDP is just being a dick

foureleven · 10/06/2010 20:02

Have you grown apart personality wise...?

Finding someone attractive isnt much to do with what they look like.

Original poster
ermmmmmmmmm · 10/06/2010 20:06

Oh he's not just being a dick he is being a barrage of insults that I couldn't possibly post without offending someone. At the least he is being a fucking giant dick.

Anyway....

I'm trying to determine how I can learn from his statement. I haven't changed one bit since we got together 6 years ago have possibly put on half a stone but my weight varies and I think I look good.

I just don't get how he can not be attracted to me? If I go out with friends at least one man will chat me up. I am hot

He has kissed 2 other girls that I know of; does he really mean "I'm not as attracted to you as I was to them because they were shiny and new and you nag me to put out the rubbish"?

OP posts:
Original poster
ermmmmmmmmm · 10/06/2010 20:07

foueleven, yes definitely. We have spent about 1.5yrs-2yrs living under the same roof but separately.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/06/2010 20:16

OP, you have got the measure of him

now move along, with your self-esteem 100% intact, love

don't try and understand what he said, he said it to hurt you

don't be hurt...his loss

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 10/06/2010 20:19

He is a dick.

DH fancies me as much now as when we met 14 years and 5 months ago.

Malificence · 10/06/2010 20:44

I'm 3 stones heavier and 28 years older than when we got together, my DH is every bit as attracted to me as when I was a hot 17 year old, as I am to him.
Your ex is an idiot.

Original poster
ermmmmmmmmm · 10/06/2010 21:05

thanks everyone, it's nice to get my feelings validated but it doesn't take the hurt away. I spent 6 years with this cock lodger and I'm trying to at least take some positives away from it but I'm struggling at the mo!

I don't want this to turn me into a crazy woman though

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/06/2010 21:09

For some people, some relationships run their course after a while. Others either retain the particular fondness/attraction to the longterm partner, or feel sufficiently comfortable in the relationship to want to stay.

Your H is being an unkind tactless knobber - while everyone has the right to leave a relationship they are no longer happy in, there is no need at all to be gratuitously nasty to the person you are leaving.

foureleven · 10/06/2010 21:15

no you dont so get out now while you can. And whats he doing kissing other women yuk. What a twat. Remind us why youre still there?

Original poster
ermmmmmmmmm · 10/06/2010 21:16

Yes that's what I though SGB, he said it's cos I asked him to be honest. But he lied about every fucking thing else the fucker!

I'm just starting to get a few bitter thoughts along the lines of "what is the point" and I don't want to be that person.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/06/2010 23:41

If he's horrible to you, why stay with him? He's horrible, end of.

Sakura · 11/06/2010 04:31

NO it's not inevitable. Often when a man is not attracted to his partner (or so he says) there are plenty of other men who are. I think husbands should remember this!

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 11/06/2010 04:40

"I'm not as attracted to you as I was to them because they were shiny and new and you nag me to put out the rubbish"?

Probably. And maybe he's just a twat who said it to hurt you.

Either way, you're hot and he's a wanker, what better reason to move on could there be?

(12 years into my relationship, my husband still gets a gleam in his eye of an evening, so no, it's not inevitable)

SpiritualKnot · 11/06/2010 05:06

H and I are divorcing after nearly 20 years and yet are still physically attracted to each other. I still think he's gorgeous.....however personalitywise (and sexuallywise because of this), he is now totally repulsive to me.

He's even said that his OW isn't as attractive as me and that her body isn't as good as mine but "that's not what it is about about"

So no, it's not inevitable, things break down for other reasons than lack of physical attraction. It's awful that he said that to you.

SK

Original poster
ermmmmmmmmm · 11/06/2010 11:53

I'm glad you all think it's bad that he said it to me; is it bad to think it though?

OP posts:
beingsetup · 11/06/2010 12:31

My ex is really good looking and has a good body but he's meannnnnnnnnnnn and he makes my little kiddies cry

I don't fancy that all, so no it's not to do with looks.

Having said that maybe the excitement of being attracted to someone new is the motivating factor in his behaviour and not anything you have done?

foureleven · 11/06/2010 13:02

I sooo know where youre coming from beingsetup! My ex is apparently good looking (well, ok he is conventionally) but he repulses me because our personalities are so incompatible.

I actually saw a message on my DPs ex wives facebook from her best friend saying how I was soooo ugly compared to her and she is so much better looking than me etc etc I was very smug in the knowledge he isnt with me for my looks... and he didnt leave her for hers. She is actually much more conventionally atrractive than me. But he of course finds her very unattractive.

OP, im not saying youve got a horrible personality of course, you sound vey plesent indeed but if your not compatible then Im not suprised you dp doesnt find you attractive.

The incompatibility sounds like he's a twat and youre not!!

SexyDomesticatedDad · 11/06/2010 14:08

Its not inevitable - but depends on the people in the relationship. Been together over 25 years now .

Original poster
ermmmmmmmmm · 11/06/2010 15:48

well my personality and his is the same as it's ever been - he says he enjoys spending time with me.

So it can't be that he doesn't like my personality either; lets face it he isn't shy about sharing his feelings only the ones about being a cheating scumbag.

Is it worth me buying that "I love you but I'm not in love with you book" I'm really worried this might effect me later on in other relationships I guess. I'm one of those women who need to understand.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 11/06/2010 15:55

The problem is not changing; humans have to develop and change in positive ways to remain interesting to one another!

Palomino29 · 11/06/2010 16:27

Ive posted a cry for help today under "Advice needed - this sounds hateful" I am coming at this from the other side, i.e. I don't fancy my husband any more - kind, good person, good dad, great provider - but no spark there any more after 20 years. I make a lot of effort to keep myself highly presentable; he's let himself go and it's making me dislike and disrespect him. I don't want to give up on basically a good solid marriage and family but the lack of attraction/sex is killing me. Any thoughts?

Original poster
ermmmmmmmmm · 11/06/2010 16:30

Palomino - is it just a physical thing? Have you tired talking to him about this - in a positive way?!

OP posts:
foureleven · 11/06/2010 16:32

No, dont buy that stupid book.

Blah blah blah

Just dont be with someone that treats you like shit. Simples.

Palomino29 · 11/06/2010 16:42

ermmmm, yes it is mainly physical; ok he's a bit lazy and dull around the house but, god it's hard to explain, he just seems to be letting himself go...I know it's unfair that men lose their hair and I feel awful even mentioning it but he looks so bloody old...feel like I'm with my dad sometimes. Yes I know I should try to talk about it, it's just how to do so without devastating him, cos I know all about low self esteem etc!
He needs to lose weight, right? He's about 14-21 lbs overweight for his height. I could do with losing half a stone so I start a bit of a healthy eating plan to try and - well, almost - shame him into doing something about his own weight.
I try to get him to come out walking with me but he's very reluctant, always seems to have an excuse.
I'm not perfect, far from it, but I do bloody try!
Trouble was, this family friend was tall ,athletic, not exactly skinny himself but obviously puts in the effort re sensible eating and exercise.
Do I nag and cajole DH, or do I just say, f* it, I'm not going to be responsible for how another adult live their life?
Hey sorry all, don't mean to sound angry but needed an outlet for all these pent-up feelings; thanks for listening