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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can men and women really be just good friends?

42 replies

blurr · 10/06/2010 13:56

I have recently being meeting my friend's husband. When I say seeing, I was helping him with his work and we would catch lunch. Recently however, we have been chatting on the phone and he asked to meet for lunch, not work-related. We are good friends but I haven't told my girl friend as I feel odd going out with her husband.

Nothing has happened and probably wouldn't although he does sometimes flirt, but this is part of his personality.

We didn't end up meeting for lunch as I felt awkward about it and I think he got the message but not sure if I am over - reacting and stopping myself from being friends. Although I have to admit I felt relieved that we didn't go out.

To add to this my DH also had an affair with my best friend, so I would never get involved with a friends husband.

So is it possible to go out with a man (a friend's husband) and it is totally innocent?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 10/06/2010 13:59

yes.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/06/2010 14:04

Yes of course. Some of my most enriching friendships have been - and are -with men. However, they are not secret and unlike you, I would never write that something "probably wouldn't happen" with them. Nothing ever could, or has, happened with any of them.

Unfortunately, your friendship is far from innocent, because you are hiding your meetings from your friend and you aren't certain that this would remain a friendship.

thumbwitch · 10/06/2010 14:07

Yes it is possible - I have several good male friends with whom there has never been any romantic involvement.

However, it has to be completely above board. Any hint of secrecy or underhandedness means that one or other of you has an ulterior motive - in this case, probably him.

NewLeaseofLife · 10/06/2010 14:11

I have many friendships with Men who are JUST friends (although it seems that most people dont believe that!)and I know it is possible.

If I had a dp and he started having lunch with one of my friends and didnt tell me I would wonder why not. The differance being that she is MY friend... I would at the least expect her to mention it or for me to be invited along.

Men generally cant be trusted [horror] and think he is trying his luck.

NorthernSky · 10/06/2010 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

porcamiseria · 10/06/2010 14:13

yes

but you are behaving in a silly way, I betcha he wants to get in your knickers

stop it!!!

Original poster
blurr · 10/06/2010 14:18

Yes I think you are all right, maybe I am being cautious due to my history. I do find it odd to go out with a friends husband and not ask my friend. She isn't here at the moment, so maybe that is why I am being cautious. I wonder if he would have asked were she here.

I just don't want to ruin the chance of having a male friend.

When my dh had the affair, I read a few books, one which was called 'just good friends' and it did say that men and women who share personal issues (which we have) and meet each other, can lead to affairs.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 10/06/2010 14:44

I think even the fact that you felt uncomfortable about it means that you are aware of it not being quite kosher - even if only subconsciously.

Either spill the beans to your friend or stop meeting her DP in secret.

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/06/2010 15:12

I think you know exactly what you are doing thats why you are seeking around.

Hullygully · 10/06/2010 15:14

I think your own marriage is in serious trouble and you should be trying to get help. There are obviously longstanding and complex issues going on here that require a trained professional.

monkeysmum79 · 10/06/2010 15:27

Steer clear, you know it's not right, and you are afraid of what your friend will think otherwise you would have told her. You have been cheated on, so you know how you would feel if it were your husband meeting for 'innocent' lunches. You have doubt for a reason, you need to listen to that and don't fall into the trap of kidding yourself that you will be loosing a friend, one or both of you clearly wants more, i bet you have thought about it! which is why it feels wrong.
Don't do it, it will end in tears! trust me i've been there!

monkeysmum79 · 10/06/2010 15:32

Also ask yourself why is this 'male friend' so important?

Original poster
blurr · 10/06/2010 16:04

Monkeysmum 79, you are right, i'm not going to do it - I worry too much about other peoples feelings i.e is the male friend going to be affended if he only wanted to be friends and why can't we go with his wife (my friend) too. I haven't told my DH as i'm not sure he would like it.

Hullygully, my marriage has its ups and downs, as my dh's affair is still raw. We have two children 9 and 11 and it would hurt them if we split so I am trying to make things work out.

Maybe this explains my questioning of the male friendship. It's nice to get attention but I don't want anything else from it. Nothing comes from affairs but hurt.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 10/06/2010 16:06

I am very good friends with lots of men. We share a bed of course but that's normal. Isn't it?

Hullygully · 10/06/2010 16:09

I am such good friends with lots of men that they kindly give me nice gifts after we have shared a bed. So thoughtful.

Hullygully · 10/06/2010 16:10

blurr - my first post was a little jokelet.

tightwad · 10/06/2010 16:16

reading yourposts has made me

it never crosses my mind that there would be more than friendhsip with my friends husband!
i often have a cuppa with just him, he is a nice man and really...just like one of the girls.
i hope that she doesnt think anything about it..she would have said wouldnt she? surely??

ahh jeeze, that has made me feel really uncomfortable now.

Original poster
blurr · 10/06/2010 16:17

Hullygully - first and second?

OP posts:
sarah293 · 10/06/2010 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

caniask · 10/06/2010 16:20

Hi
it is possible to be "just friends" on the condition that neither of you fancy each other in the slightest.
I have couple of good male friends and I do find them really good company. Often with make friends I find I become closer to their partner and over time forget that the male was my initial friend. My husband is aware of these friendships.
There are a couple of male friends that I did have feelings for and so didn't continue friendships as was too difficult to keep it just friends.
You will know which type of friend this Is and how you should behave.

nogreythatmatters · 31/08/2010 22:17

I have a friend who getting divorced from her husband, after an messy affair - 4 children . She has been dating a man for about 9 months, nice enough, but very obviously not in her class.

She also has a life long friend,who until recently she was very close to.It is very clear that she struggles with the whole "can men and women be best friends thing" with this guy.

I feel like telling her sometimes - be true to your feelings and make a go of it with this guy, as they just get on so well and look so good when they are together.

ThatVikRinA22 · 31/08/2010 22:23

i dont think this thread is about platonic frienships.

if it were id say yes of course its possible. but i suspect its not about that tbh. its about validating something else. not a platonic friendship.

sundew · 31/08/2010 22:33

2 of my best friends are male and the firndships are entirely platonic - I would never feel the need to ask either of their wives if I could meet them for a drink.

I like the way with my male firends I can not meet up with them for 6 months (or sometimes even speak to them for a couple of months) and there is no ill feeling. They've got busy lives and so have I. I find the whole girly best friend thing very tiresome and can't be dealing with it!

However, there has never been any flirting on either side - and I think this is the deal breaker.

UnquietDad · 31/08/2010 23:04

I have female friends. Usually university friends. It's part of being a healthy human being. Plus I actually count some of DW's friends as my friends too.

I'm hoping DS will have female friends too. I think I read somewhere that boys who have sisters, and who have mothers they have a good relationship with, are more likely to have female friends who are not "girlfriends". Generally, the more females a boy sees in a non-sexual context, alongside those he fancies, the better for him it is. They are more likely to respect women, and generally see them as part of the human race rather than some weird other.

(Having said all that, nobody can help a little cynicism. When he is 15 and "best mates" with Becky Lipgloss and Zoe Longlegs at school, I'll be thinking, "oh, come on, you're not seriously telling me you wouldn't snog them if they gave you the chance!")

stayingfornow · 31/08/2010 23:24

I'd say no.
I've had a platonic male friend for close on 30 years. We were best friends as teenagers and hung around for years when neither of us had anyone else. If ever we wanted a partner, we'd take each other, but make it very clear we were only friends. He really, truly, has been one of my best friends over all these years.

When I met DH, we put more of a distance between us in terms of always being out with each other, but have remained friends (we have a mutual group of friends) and he has been involved in the children's lives over the years. He has remained single.

A couple of years ago DH and I hit a really bad patch. DH treated me really appallingly badly. Not wanting to upset family or face judgement from girlfriends, I constantly confided in my male friend. Confiding led to hugs, and hugs led to an affair that has been on and off for a couple of years now. I end it with friend, DH, treats me like crap, I run back to friend. It makes it worse that I would leave DH if it weren't for the kids. I know it isn't the right way to do things but my life is in a big complicated mess. Sad

I'm not saying this is everyone's experience, by any means, but I would say be careful. Given the right situation, the right ingredients, you can never say never - even after 30 years.