I can't do this anymore.........

[brightongirldownunder]

I've just found out I'm pregnant, which is a miracle considering we have had sex once in 5 months and I had to instigate it through complete desperation. I'm so happy for DD, as she has been asking for a baby brother or sister for some time, however I'm in a total state of disbelief.

DH has told me that if I want the baby, I will have to return to work as soon as I've had it or we won't be able to afford it. I'm taking "if" as a suggestion that I can choose the fate of this child, which is heartbreaking in itself as I have miscarried before. He hasn't asked me once how I am, has not cuddled me or refuses to discuss the baby because he's got "too much going on" apparently
Some of you know my history- I moved over to Sydney for DH, as he had this great idea that he could set up a successful business over here. After 2 1/2 years we are in debt and I am getting daily abuse as to why I am not earning, even though I'm doing everything I possibly can to drum up more work ( I had a 3 book publishing deal that was dropped recently due to the sale of the company) I left a good career, amazing family and friends and a lovely house in Brighton to end up calling the local council here, pleading for benefits.
He blames me for everything and now- get this - he has blamed me for getting pregnant because I asked for sex.
I know everyone tells me to leave him and believe me, the plan was to test that option out when I fly home for 2 months next week, however this news has left me in limbo. What the hell do I do?
I know I need to start working asap - I had actually applied to study for early years PGCE in Brighton next year as I can't live off children's books at the moment . Now I will have to defer this and DH is using this against me.
I'm totally gutted as I've always wanted 2 children. I should be happy. There should be a positive solution to this, but all I hear is negativity. I cried all night last night.

Hi Brightongirl, I had an alcohol addicted partner. He behaved much like your H. I too was living abroad. I really feared being alone and a single parent, but without him I became a much better parent and soon became happy. He was the reason I was miserable. He too said I needed therapy. He said I was mad. As soon as I left him I realized that those were his problems, he was projecting them onto me. When I left he went to pieces and yes he cried. He cried that because he no longer had my support, he was lonely. He was suddenly reaping the rewards of his bad behaviour, and like a child, he cried. He cried because he said he missed his children, but he refused to pay maintenance for them. I think he claimed to miss them, because that is a legitimate feeling, and people would feel sorry for him. He told everyone I had left him for another man. Lies. I felt dreadful, but I was not his mother, he needed to grow up and take responsibility for himself. He soon replaced me with an alcoholic woman. He never paid one penny for his children. They noticed that.

I attended Al-Anon and reverted to the fun loving happy honest person I had been before he ground me down. I learned that moving abroad( YOu and him to OZ) is just a "Geographical" . It is an attempt to run away from your problems, but ofcourse, you take your problems with you if you do drugs or are in any way addicted. Sadly, years later I married a philanderer. I think if you have an alcoholic mother as I did, you can make bad relationship choices.

The best years of my life were those after I split from my alcoholic partner. He made me into a shadow of myself. This appears to have happened to you too. I am so glad your Mother is helping you. Tell her everything. I hope this helps you, I really do. Good luck.

I know brighton, thing is, I did do it, I left that god awful life. Just that he's momentarily followed his family back to what he thought was home. Shame that place has f*&cked his brain up so badly he can't hack it here. I used to call it an Open Insane Asylum, and it was. I was the only sane one there, beside my one and only dear best friend. it was us in midst of madness, but for the first year I was utterly alone, and abused and alone.

One day the whole truth of my life out there will come out, but I know I'd get screamed at for letting it get so bad for so long.. I know the answer, I know the end is nigh. I left Egypt, I spent 8m here waiting for him, we talked, i thought he'd got it, he told me he knew what he'd done. he even said sorry! I asked him how long his list was. He assured me he had it all down.

Of course he didn't. Of course he is spouting excuses as to why I wasn't allowed out for 10 weeks, only got out when bleeding to death MC1; why he never did get around to arranging for people to take me out, why he'd dangle carrots, but they'd never come to anything. Blaming me for everything. Why he hit me cos I dared to raise my voice at him for talking to me like crap, time after time after time. Women there are not allowed to raise their voices to the men.

I can't begin to tell how miserable life for me was there. I couldn't even have confided here when I was going through it all, cos literally no-one would have believed me. I came back home here and suffered panic attacks when out and about on my own, because I wasn't used to being outside... WT?!

So to cut it short, I've made my break, he's followed me here, it's not working AT ALL, he's going to go back at the end of the year, I'll be free again. My plan is to get some work once DS goes to school this year and stand on my own two feet again, wait for him to sell the property he has there, pay me my share and let the chips fall as they may.

If you end up back in Brighton, I'm not a million miles away in Hampshire... you'd have a friend in me, that's for sure! Be brave honey, come home.

Oh meant to say, while I was in LockDown, I wrote a few short childrens stories, have no idea what to do with them, perhaps we can collaborate..

One more thing...

We've established that DH is addicted to spliffs, won't give up, had issues with overuse of it in the past, is now in denial about even that, but nowadays it's lower level, but definately he's using it rather than just enjoying it IYKWIM.

NOW, and here's my question. I have in the past had ONE glass of vino of an evening, most evenings to be truthful, but have breaks in the week when I go for 3 or so days without.

DH chucks it at me that I'm an alcoholic, I don't think I am, but why would he say such a thing? Is there a grain of truth? I never ever get drunk, not for years now. Is he just trying to justify his own behaviour?

Er, no, one glass doth not an alcoholic make. Unless it's a pint glass

LMHF - No is just an attempt to make you second guess yourself.

By the way, you need to stay AWAY from that man.

BG - Has your DH made any suggestion to quit pot seriously?

Until he does there is not much point being with him. He's an absent father at best for your kids.

jamiki, annie, that's what I thought... trying to deflect the warranted criticism of him by shining a light on me... Okaaay. Got it!

Will stick to plan, day 3 of practically no communication between us, so far it's been peaceful...