I can't do this anymore.........

[brightongirldownunder]

I've just found out I'm pregnant, which is a miracle considering we have had sex once in 5 months and I had to instigate it through complete desperation. I'm so happy for DD, as she has been asking for a baby brother or sister for some time, however I'm in a total state of disbelief.

DH has told me that if I want the baby, I will have to return to work as soon as I've had it or we won't be able to afford it. I'm taking "if" as a suggestion that I can choose the fate of this child, which is heartbreaking in itself as I have miscarried before. He hasn't asked me once how I am, has not cuddled me or refuses to discuss the baby because he's got "too much going on" apparently
Some of you know my history- I moved over to Sydney for DH, as he had this great idea that he could set up a successful business over here. After 2 1/2 years we are in debt and I am getting daily abuse as to why I am not earning, even though I'm doing everything I possibly can to drum up more work ( I had a 3 book publishing deal that was dropped recently due to the sale of the company) I left a good career, amazing family and friends and a lovely house in Brighton to end up calling the local council here, pleading for benefits.
He blames me for everything and now- get this - he has blamed me for getting pregnant because I asked for sex.
I know everyone tells me to leave him and believe me, the plan was to test that option out when I fly home for 2 months next week, however this news has left me in limbo. What the hell do I do?
I know I need to start working asap - I had actually applied to study for early years PGCE in Brighton next year as I can't live off children's books at the moment . Now I will have to defer this and DH is using this against me.
I'm totally gutted as I've always wanted 2 children. I should be happy. There should be a positive solution to this, but all I hear is negativity. I cried all night last night.

I trully believe once you are on the plane you will find it very difficult to go back to him. Everything he is saying and going is to try and make himself feel better by making you feel shit.

Anyone who can work all the way through their first pregnancy till a few days before birth is amazing!

He sounds like a very selfish, toxic personality to be around....and how long before this affects your children? You say your Oz friends don't know the real you ...I hope you find the courage to leave before you lose yourself completely.

It sounds to me as if you are ALREADY coping on your own ..(no cuddles, emotional support,& I'm APPALLED at lack of help with childcare as you can't even trust him to not to burn house down with his family in it )

If you came home you wouldn't be on your own any longer - you have wonderful, supportive parents. You also have made supportive friends in Oz so you must be a nice person ( and you will make new friends/pick up with old friends here, and skype is great for staying in touch)

Please, please think about the years of happiness another child will give you and the years of misery he has put you through....surely it is time to make a fresh start with your DD and your precious miracle?? (can't believe that you conceived after once in 5 months- took us 5 YEARS of ttc!!!) i wish you lots of luck and courage

Of course it's not you who needs therapy! I bet he's the only one who says it. But if you're in doubt, and can afford it, go get some. The biggest thing I got out of counselling was validation.

From my perspective (as an outsider and obviously not knowing all the facts) the greatest likelihood of screwing your children's lives up comes with you staying with the drug-addled tosspot. Life isn't that simple, of course, although sometimes it's simpler than we allow ourselves to think.

I remember your story. Please just stay home in the UK once you get back. Please.

Good Lord. This man is truly appalling.

Come back to the UK. There's no need or point in flogging this particular dead horse any more.

I promise you, any difficulties you may encounter living as a single parent- or even, though I haven't done this part myself, moving back from Oz- will be nothing in the light of the relief you feel, not having to deal with such an immature excuse for a man.

You have great support from your parents, by the sound of it. Use it. It's time to treat yourself far more kindly than you have been doing. And, ultimately, it will be better for your DD.

Time to go, brighton. As tortoise said, it's sad to see an MNer in Oz go; but your "D"H sounds like a fearful shit.

Good luck.

No way is it you at all in any shape or form.

Your DH is being so abusive to you, I was like this too once, 'but he's a wonderful father...' now after two years apart, I realise nope actually I was and am a fantastic mum, but he was awful both as a father and as a husband, a wonderful father does not make the mother of his child feel like your DH is making you feel, for what, being pregnant with HIS child?

You dont have to decide anything right now, come home, and see how you feel, call up and find out about benefits, tell your family and friends, I bet they will be delighted to welcome you safely home again.

Remember this, you are very capable, you have the job and career prospects, you can build a very happy life for your little family. You rally do sound like you want this pregnancy so very much, will you be able to live with your dh if you feel compelled to terminate the pregnancy for his sake?

BTW, apart from smoking weed and telling you to work, what does he do?

No luv, its not you who needs therapy, its him and he's just projecting all his abusive crap on to you by wanting to make you doubt your own self even more. He will not seek help of any kind because he at heart feels he's done and is doing nothing wrong.

You therefore need to make plans for a new life as a single parent. That is scary yes but this is far better than the alternative. You are capable and you can do this. You just have to fully believe in your own self here.

He is patently not a "great Dad" either to your child if he continues to treat you his wife i.e her Mum like something he's stepped in. He blames you now for being pg again with his child!.

It is only when you are fully out of his grasping clutches that perhaps realise how much you've actually seen and put up with to your overall cost. Your children will thank you as well for not putting up with his abuse any longer.

I knew lots of sensible people would be along.

He doesn't deserve you.
YOU don't deserve the shit you are getting from him.
Your DD deserves better than him as a dad.
Your baby deserves better than him as a dad.

I didn't realise the full extent of the crap earlier. Just go. Thank God for your mum.

On a boring practical note, brightongirl, do look in to your situation re uk benefits and social support after living abroad before you make a big move. I found out the hard way that returning to the uk from outside the EU after about 3 years meant there was absolutely no assistance available to a family unable to find work in the depths of the credit crunch, regardless of the fact I was pregnant and we had one 5 yr old ds and all staying in a one bed flat All those years of paying NI since we were 16 were no good to us when we really needed it as we had been abroad for more than 18 months. It's a funny old system, good in many ways but with unexpected loopholes.

brighton - if you do leave him, you will thrive, and he will be the one struggling. I am 100% certain in 12 months time you will be looking back thinking what on earth was I doing even debating the issue. What did I see in him?! He is feeding off you at the moment and dragging you down. Be brave now and you won't regret it. Best of luck.

thanks for all your support guys. I just wish it didn't have to be like this - we've been together for 14 years and some of those were great. I suppose I've been clinging on in the hope that one of these days he'll actually tell me how much he loves me without listing my faults.
Its so hard to get my head around being single with a newborn - I could have coped with DD, but this is a whole new ball game. Its not like he'll just go away - he adores DD and will probably spend a lot of time in the UK.

I think that things will become much clearer to you once you get back and away from his toxic influence. I think you will know what to do but the only things now is just keep your head down and get through the next week or two till you fly back to the UK. Try not to think too much about anything until then.

2 spliffs a night or more? He has a problem and if he doesn't see that then things are not going to change. My ex used to drink and know it supposedly not the same kind of thing, it is and it got to the point where I knew the only way out of unhappiness would be for him to stop drinking never or me to throw him out.

I couldn't see the woods for the trees while I was still living with him, I was utterly paralysed. You just have to take the first step (back to the uk) and then you will just speed up till you are sorting things out. Sorry you are so sad and not yet able to enjoy your pregnancy .

Just a word of caution - is your DH Australian? Australia takes the Hague convention very seriously. check where you stand legally.

If it weren't for the fact brightongirl, that your DH is with you in Oz, I'd say you were with my DH. Except the level of addiction is higher, but he abuse and what is said, done etc is about the same...

Is it seriously a 'problem' having 2 or more spliffs a night? please tell me cos I'm no longer able to tell what's normal much...

We went to his country (egypt) for 3yrs and he was transformed into a literal tyrant, sadly has yet to transform back to normal sane human being. I sadly think that he won't ever get there now..

Last night when I said that i wasn't asking too much of him to tidy up after himself, or at least leave things the way he finds them, especially as he does literally nothing to help with any aspect of DS life or mine.

he went off on on one and said that men don't have boobs to breastfeed so why do they need to do anything? I said that as it was I couldn't BF, but it didn't stop me being a good mum to DS. He replied that there was 'obviously something wrong with me (as a mother) as I couldn't BF...' This is, as you will imagine, the tip of the iceberg. Hitting me aparently was myfault cos I raised my voice against him in his country. Not taking me out for weeks at a time (longest stint indoors with a 6m old, without setting foot outside? 10 weeks) It's all my fault apparently and i've been glossing over it all for years to everyone else.

After the you're a defective mum comment, I am officially NOT talking to him now, and just biding my time until he leaves. Hoping he'll find somewhere to stay until he heads back to his godforesaken land at the end of the year.

I know the journey you have ahead of you is a long and scary one, but we are all here for you and wishing you every success. I'm so glad that you are so excited about your PG, wishing you all the best with that.

DH wouldn't let me do the Dr ordered bedrest and i gave up ttc after the 3rd mc.

I hate my 'd'h and am not impressed at all by yours.

Chin up girl, we can get through this!! thinking of you!

Just reading through all the advice confirms what I have to do.
H is not Australian so I don't have any worries there, but I just wish he could understand how dire our relationship is. He's in complete denial. Surely even an imbecile would presume that to stay together you have to understand what you're partner is going through, love them, cuddle them, make them feel good when they're down. I'm beginning to get morning sickness and feel exhausted but he just doesn't want to know - its like its my fault that I'm carrying his child and I have to pay the penalty.
None of our friends realise what a pig he can be, although one of my closest buddies heard him tell me to "shut it" the other night.
We've discussed him going to counselling about the smoking, but to no avail. I was supposed to be in charge of the drugs and he would come and ask me for them but to be honest it made me feel sick.
I wish there was a way I could turn back the clock and find happiness with him again. I know when we say goodbye at the airport on tues, he'll be upset and probably cry but I will be emotionless. He honestly thinks I'm going to come back. If I do it will only be to pack up all my belongings and get them shipped home.
For now I just need serious headspace. I'll keep you all updated though, as the advice on here has really helped me over the past few days- when I wrote the OP I was on the way to breaking down and I feel slightly stronger now.

LittleMissHissyFit I'm so sorry to hear you've been through it too
I think if you feel the NEED to light up even one a joint every night you are an addict. If you, as the partner, hide the stuff and the reaction is vile you definitely know you are living with an addict.I have memories of flying off on holiday with DH and him being a pig from about 6pm onwards every night. For years I thought it was him trying to relax and not coping, so I put up with it, then it clicked...it was withdrawal from the dope...the only time he couldn't smoke was when we flew because he couldn't sneak any drugs into our luggage.One holiday in Thailand he disappeared for hours and then came back smelling of the crap. He'd been traipsing up and down the beach looking for a dealer. I remember screaming at him that the police could have jailed him for years if they'd caught him with a bag of weed. They could have arrested me too. True- there is nothing wrong with an occasional joint if it floats your boat, but if you really can't enjoy life without it, as Attila says, it has taken over your life and becomes more important than anything else, including familly

Glad to hear from you, brighton. I'm so glad this holiday was already booked, it's brilliant timing to let you get away.

I wonder if your friends do actually realise and don't know how to say anything; it's a rare person who will call a man on bad behaviour in public.

LittleMissHissyFit, your post is pretty worrying. Have you asked him to leave the house, as you say you're hoping he'll find somewhere to stay? I take it you're back in the UK now - I do hope so. You're living with a violently abusive man, do you need some help from us?

Brighton- I haven't even finished reading your thread yet- but get your arse back here, girly, fgs!!

I miss Brighton so much, BOF, and am coming back for a visit in July. Methinks I may not leave...

I don't think you have much to go back for tbh brighton.

Jeez, shudders at the thought of hiding the stuff... that'd never work.... I heard that with prolonged use, it makes the angry bit angrier, and he has rage that is off the charts.

We are not talking at all now, only on nodding terms, it's better. I'll talk to him once he's apologised and starts to treat me like a normal person does....

Woops, watch out for low flying pigs eh?

I know what you mean about wanting to turn back the clock..

hope you have a good trip back, stay in touch and let us know if you need any help huh?

Brighton Girl, I haven't got much time now, but I just wanted to reply to your question about whether anyone has survived this kind of upheaval.

I have: I moved back to the UK (where I'm from) from another European country five years ago with three cabin bags and my two children (then aged five and eight), with nowhere to live/no job or school. I cannot believe how my life has turned around since then. My children's father still lives abroad; they see him as often as possible. That side of things is tough (for them), but absolutely EVERYTHING else is immeasurably better. Life is good.

Please don't be afraid to make this massive change; if your gut instinct tells you to come back to the UK, follow it. Please let us know how you get on.

BG. Your mum sounds fab, and your DH is behaving appalingly. You need to be with family that care about you again. If you had the strength to move over to Oz and have put up with your H for all this time then you have the strength to come back.

You will get through this. And it doesn't always rain over here you know .

my exP is still if he gets a chance telling me to "get therapy", "you need to see a psychiatrist".
point of fact - i did see a counsellor adn it was extremely valuable particularly when she said things like "so he makes you think you are losing yur mind?"

and separated and divorced workshop - so yes when you back in UK - do do some "post trauma" counselling/divorce recovery!

LittleMiss - it sounds to me like you should be doing the same. If he flies into a rage like that and it obviously scares you....take care.
I sat and watched the opening ceremony for the world cup with DH earlier and he acted as if we had only just met. I can't cope with this weird friendliness..though I can smell weed on his breath..
He still hasn't asked me how I am. I felt really sick today, but had no-one to tell.
I'm def going to get some counselling at some stage though, I need to work out how I've let it go on for so long
Anyway, I've been packing all day and it feels good!