Is my partner cheating on me?

[harrierhom]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years, but has started acting oddly around me, being secretive, spliiting out ebay, paypal and shared facebook accounts (and deleting all her friends from it). This started a couple of months ago, before she started coming off anti depressants. She is currently on half a dose. Maybe that?s what?s causing it, don?t know, but last night she had a go at me in front of my son, for using facebook! And asked me why I started using it again now that she had set up her own. So I asked her why she needed to set up her own when we already had one, especially as I (still) only go on there occasionally. Then she had a another go because I had re friend requested some of her friends after she deleted everyone she knows from our original one. Her answer was that she needed her own space and a bit of privacy. That doesn?t sound like a ?couple? thing to me.

So from here it looks like I am not allowed to use facebook, and if I do I am not allowed to have her friends as my friends even though they are my friends. Again that doesn?t sound like a couple thing to me.

I also found out that she had been secretly texting a bloke for nearly 6 months, and previously arranged to meet him about a year ago.

She has also changed her passwords to some 14 character thing, when in the past we shared our passwords (she still knows all mine). That and all the above makes it look to me like she is hiding something and if I share her friends I get to see all her posts which it seems she doesn?t want me to see.

I found out last night that she has friend requested (and had acceped) an old boyfriend who in the past she texted and phoned quite regularly, I didn?t mind previously as she always said he was just her next door neighbour from a few years a go and that was who she got her old hamster from and he was only a friend. Her daughter let it slip a couple of months ago that they went out together for nearly a year and yet my partner initially denied it. So why lie?

So again its ok for her to have ex boyfriends on facebook and in her phone, to secretly text another bloke for 6 months and secretly arrange to meet him a year ago (although I did find out), yet she went bonkers when I friend requested a girl that used to live next door to me when I was a kid and last saw when I was about 15. And I did have nothing to do with her romantically or otherwise.

I dunno whats going on, we were going to set up a business tgether but she has also gone cold on that. So I am going to sort of look out for myself at the moment, and going to invest in my own business. If she doesn?t hurry up and make up her mind with the business, the money earmarked to set up will get spent on the photo stuff that I need to run my own business. She will have cut off her nose to spite her face, and tbh I am not so sure I want to invest in both of us right now. I love her to bits but this is really unsettling me, I don?t need it.

I do feel low ChocolatePants, I also worry that if i leave i will have a house thats in neg equity in a city miles from friends and family where i really knw no one other than her friends and family.

So i think thats why i am trying to (probably foolhardily) scavenge hope where there may not actually be any.

I have to admt that I am really confussed about what I want right now, but i do know i dont need all this uncertainty.

I spoke to my mate just now and he has a greed to confront her on the facebook thing under the "a friends name I knew got suggested to me by facebookand when i went on the page it was only you and him on there, is there something going on? I am looking out for my mate and he doesnt know i am asking you this, but i will tell him" I will watch far changes in her pattern and will be most interested in her reply to him if indeed she replies.

Sadly he agrees with most of you out there that she is cheating on me. He went through similar experience a couple of years ago with his now ex wife and he said she is exhibiting all the same signs his wife gave him when she was cheating. I told him what was going on and he left her shortly afterwards.

He says he will do it out of gratitude for saving him from kis ex and that he doesnt want me to go through the same.

harrierhom, I'm really sorry to hear your situation. IMO, there is no doubt she is cheating/has been cheating on you. If I could log onto betfair and place a bet on it - I would. Although I don't expect the odds would be very long.

She is taking you as a mug. You clearly don't believe a thing she says and I don't blame you.

The keylogger will reveal all over time. It's not nice to have to snoop but in your case I don't see any other option for you to find out the truth.

In the meantime, toughen up a bit (the keylogger will no doubt reveal stuff that will make your insides feel even more knotted up, and sick to the stomach), but you owe it to yourself to be strong and gather this evidence for your own piece of mind so you can make the right decisions. Don't confront her with individual suspicions/findings. Build up a case and write everything down/print everything off.

No relationship should be built on lies and deceit - and this is the very least you've currently got. It sounds a lot worse than that.

When you do confront her, make sure you're clear with whatever decision you have made, and stick to it. At that point you will be telling her what is happening next, not asking her.

I would want to know where she was during these afternoons. I'm sure their are spy shops online that sell GPS devices you could fix to the car/install bugs. I am not condoning this and rarely post on here, but this woman sounds dreadful and I would just have to know.

Good luck and stay strong.

PS - I would not do this facebook thing as it will blow your cover. Do you share a PC? Can't you just stick with the keylogger to reveal everything?

in the last couple of days she has started using our laptop instead of the desktop, something i never use and i think if i did log it and start using it she would rumble me, tho she did log on to the desktop long enough to enable me to get her password thru the logger. I was trying to find out if i can switch on the webcam without it showing to record afternoons and hear the sound of whats going on when she is there.

I have also considered doing the mobile phone tracking thing but i would need to bet the phon off her first to accept and delete the tracker enabling text. He phone is practically tied to her these days tho.

One thing i am about to do in the next hour is ring our mobile phone provider and get itemised bill for the last year sent to me at work as I own both the accounts. Cant do it on line as she has changed the www password. Unfotunately I cannot change it because it emails the new one to the phone

Hmmm I would bluff it and say to her you know what's been going on - pretend you already have evidence. I mean, from reading this it does sound 99% certain that she's doing the dirty.

I know but i foolishly keep telling myself that she is doing i because her past violent relationship has made her scared to tell me what she is doing (if its all in innocense).

This is sooooo hard.

Purchase THIS

Hmmm - it sounds to me like she's leading a whole double life. Not exactly innocent. I'm afraid I think you're being a bit of a sucker Harrierhom - she doesn't appear to be thinking of your best interests, and nor do you. You need to look after yourself.

the mobiel phone bill will probably tell you everything you need to know and more. this is what fianlly did it for me with my ex and affair number 3

I was going to say dont bother with the keylogger thing, theres enough evidence that you dont need to degrade yourself by seeing all the smut that will no doubt be on there. But I actually think in your case you need this hard evidence to actually do something. But you must realise that when you do find it if you dont act on it then you will be slowly killing yourself.

What does your partner bring to the relationship please?

A councellor once told me to make a list of the things I brought to my relationship table (or put in to the emotional bank account as she cheesily put it) and then the things I took out. And to do the same for my partner. Its quite sobering.

Right now she is 1, messing about with your reality. 2, manipulating you. 3, destroying any self esteem that was left after the last partner fucked you over.

If you have any self respect left... which I know you do although you will probably struggle to find it.. you must leave now. Just get up and leave.

I'd put money on the fact that you got with this other woman before you had healed from the pain of the last one?

Leave aside the question of whether she's actually cheating or not, and just look at what you know. Her behaviour has changed significantly. She is being secretive. She is telling you lies. She is being hypocritical in trying to control who you have as friends while she retains complete control over her friendships. Your sex life has all but stopped. There are frequent arguments triggered by her attempts to control your life. These are all definites, whereas the question over whether she's shagging around is (so far) unproven either way.

Let's assume that she isn't shagging anyone else right now. Is all the above behaviour acceptable to you? Would you treat someone you claim to love in such a way? I suspect not. So even if you had cast-iron proof that she's not sleeping with anyone else, would that make everything else she's doing ok?

Or, to put it in much more blunt terms, it's clear that she's treating you like shit. Would it make that much difference if you discovered that she was not only treating you like shit but taking you for a mug as well?

If you're going to end the relationship, end it because of what you know to be true. The relationship is terminally damaged and she is not showing you and respect or regard. Snooping around will just make things worse for you as no matter what you'll find you'll never be sure. Instead, look at what you do know - the relationship simply isn't working for you. That's a good enough reason to end a relationship without needing any proof of sleeping around.

I'm also a bloke who's been through a long-term abusive relationship. You have my sympathies. Am I right in guessing that there wasn't much of a gap between your marriage ending and you meeting this woman?

This might sound mean, and I'm prepared to be flamed for it, but -- are you 100% sure her previous relationship was violent, or did she just say that to win your sympathy and tolerance for future bad behaviour?

The reason I ask is that this is what my DH's rebound relationship used to say to justify her stealing his credit card to pay for crap for herself and flights abroad to see her toxic mother. . . Her "physically abusive X" turned out to be a load of bollocks.

Sorry, harrierhom, I missed the bit where you explained you'd met six months after leaving your wife. The experience of falling very fast for someone is quite common in dysfunctional relationships (although, of course, it does happen with "normal" relationships too). There's a very good article called Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser written by a psychologist. I recommend you have a read-through of it.

The other person seems so perfect for you because she's deliberately mirroring what you say back to you. You mention you like seafood, she says she loves it. You watch a holiday programme about Thailand and say that it looks nice, next day Thailand is the place she's always wanted to go more than anywhere else. You want to start your own business, and, gosh, that's what she's aways wanted to do. You say you've been in an abusive relationship and, hey presto, so has she! This mirroring makes us think that we've found the perfect match. But it's not the "real" them. You fall in love with a mirage, a construct. The person you're seeing in her now is much more the real her - selfish, manipulative, untrustworthy and a liar.

"Then she told me i was the only person she had not cheated on ever."

OK, now I'm seriously starting to get deja vu. My ex said exactly the same to me. It subsequently turned out she was lying about that along with a hell of a lot of other stuff, too. Serial cheaters very, very rarely change but they are very well practised at pulling the wool over other people's eyes.

Six months between 15 years of abuse and the start of another relationship isn't that long. It took me a good year from leaving my ex to even being sure which way was up let alone even think of starting again. I'd very, very strongly recommend you get some counselling to help you through this and to help you find out what you really want from a relationship. Counselling helped me enormously. Is it something the RAF can assist with?

Hi again ,
I have been through something quite similair and it ripped me apart . I stayed with him and i thought we worked it through but in the last few days I'm beginning to think that I didnt fully find out the truth about the last 6 yrs of our marriage
If i hadnt been so messed up and scared i wouldnt be sitting here in pain once again.
I'm not telling you to leave her - not point in telling people what to do (people told me to leave him and I didnt).
I'm just saying think of yourself now - I wish i had .

I'm sure their are spy shops online that sell GPS devices you could fix to the car/install bugs.

Seriously??! It's not bloody Spooks.

Shiney, you are being very mean and will be punished. OP probably won't appreciate your brand of kick up the arse therapy. I predict a severe hangover for you this Sunday and no sympathy from your boyfriend.

OP - you are in an abusive relationship.

End it.

The only real reason to go snooping on her is if you really feel it's necessary for your divorce. The fact that trust has gone to the point that you're even contemplating snooping on her means, IMO, that the end is nigh.

If you thought otherwise, you'd post asking about Relate etc.

Do not start a new business, as when you go through the inevitable breakup, it would be better to have your life as simple as possible.

Then work on sorting out your self-esteem.

Listen to Snorbs - he has very good advice.

And ignore Shiney, who is now going to toddle off to AIBU where all such posts should go. Don't be so horrible, S!

Though mind you, I do have to say all the surveillance is overkill. I understand the temptation, but I think you already have enough to go on. You need to act.

Totally agree with all the above, harrier - even though I never know sorbs was a bloke!!

It really stinks that you've fallen into the hands of two abusive women. You current partner is abusing you in a multitude of ways, even if she's not being unfithful - although she is, you know.

Getting you to move away from your personal support network, lying, keeping secrets, insulting you and turning your concerns into accusations against you are all classic markers of an abuser. I recommend ending it with her now, if not sooner.

All this must have knocked you right off your feet, confidence-wise - and you were probably vulnerable in the first place, thanks to your ex. When you received treatment, did you have any counselling? It's possible you have some weaknesses in your personal boundaries, which abusive partners would be quick to exploit. If bullying was a feature in your parents' relationship, it's quite likely you'd 'instinctively' accept behaviours which are, in reality, unacceptable.

You must be feeling crap. I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve much better!

• must not attempt to type whilst eating