Are some people just better suited to living alone?

[TrappedinSuburbia]

ie, me.

Everytime I have lived with someone in the past, I end up feeling suffocated and trapped.

I have been living with current dp for around 5 years and feel the same.
I would much prefer that we lived seperately/went back to the way we were before we lived together, ie see each other weekends/ couple of times during week.

I cannot seem to cope with the everyday humdrum of living with someone, picking up the dirty socks, cooking for the thousands etc.
It really gets me down and I have been on anti depressants in the past for these feelings.

I have told dp how I felt around a month ago, he was devastated but had to admit that we both hadn't been happy for a long time the way things are.

Us living seperately was my suggestion to solving these problems (i'm well aware that if he moves out, he may hate me for it and the relationship may peter out).

He's not brought it up since, I don't have the heart to as his dad is very ill with cancer at the moment.

There are children on both sides, so would really like to keep things amicable for their sake (its really because of them that I haven't said anything sooner).

I feel i've lost who I am!

Am I just incredibly selfish or are there people just genuinly not suited to a 'full time' relationship?

oh yes,me!!!

my boyfriend has always been 'live out'.....much prefer to run my own life,my own way!

If the humdrum is getting you down, you need to re-engineer the humdrum and the domestic and make life more fun. If the sum total of your relationship consists of you performing domestic tasks for everyone, you will feel used and worn out. You must reorganise your life so that everyone is looking after him/herself to the best of his/her abilities, and contributing to joint tasks, and you need to take time out to do fun and glamorous things with your DP.

Bonsoir, have tried all that repeatedly, never gets anywhere. Have given up, don't see why I should be the only one to make any effort (this is after about 3 years of trying btw).
I just want out.

Then the problem is your DP rather than you not being suited to being in any relationship. He should be wanting you to be happy too!

Oh yes, absolutely. I am another one. I have been very very lucky, though, in that I recognised this nice and early and have therefore managed to make it to 45 without ever living with a partner.
I am now happy and confident that I will never have to, and wish you luck in sorting out the same level of freedom and comfort for yourself.

but if you have children, you would not be living alone anyway.

How old are his and your dc, they should be pulling their weight around the home if they are old enough and dh too.

You are not selfish, it sounds like you desparately need some personal space.

Could you sit down with your partner and design a bit of space for each of you so it doesnt all feel so "full time"?

Perhaps he could take over a few more domestic tasks to give you a break? could he take the kids out once a week so you get a few hours to yourself in the house? Could you pursue separate hobbies so that you each go out one evening a week, that way you each get an evening to yourself, plus an evening doing something you want to do on your own?

Finally can you plan to do something nice together regularly, even something simple like a nice meal and dvd?

If you can organise space for you, maybe you wont feel so suffocated?

I am so much happier being on my own. I caught a bit on lorraine kelly this morning before i came into work and they were saying how actually a lot of couples seem to get on better living apart. Apparantly Helena bonham carter and hubby have houses next door to each other. Other couples may have two nights/days a week where they move out. The general advice was that whatever helped keep you together was good. I often wonder if its a conventional thing?!? Why do we have to all live together for it to be normal?

Thanks to everyone who has suggested some 'me time', but believe me, it has all been tried before.

I'm glad im not the only person like this.

I have always felt very content and at peace when i've lived myself, even with the kids (horrors that they are).

We enjoyed dating so much that we decided to live together, but it was almost immediately I felt it was a weight on my shoulders and all the joy of being together was gone.

I still really love him and can't imagine him not being in my life, I just don't want to live with him!

Me too.

Not sure I agree with the idea of it working if you are in the "right" relationship. I just think some people are not suited to it. I think Men are more up front about it than women though as we are conditioned to believe that if we can just find "the one" all will fit into place. Men are more up front and then we all say that they have "committment issues" and weep buckets over it.

I do believe that some people are just more suited to be single and I do wish it hadn't taken me 2 marriages, 2 more live in partners and numerous other "relationships" to realise it. What a godawful waste of all of our time.

I am grateful though that I have realised it now that I have dc and won't be foisting any of my ridiculous relationship choices on them.

I could almost cheer hearing all of you that are the same.

I will choose my time and bring it up again, although i'm not sure there will be a good time anytime soon with his dad being so ill.

Just knowing im not alone helps me, if I could even talk to him about doing it, perhaps in the next year, but he just buries his head in the sand!

if you know its going to happen then life will be more bearable in the meantime.

i've only ever lived with one man,but i just know i'm not cut out for it.....i have the dc here,bringing them up my own way.

It will make things more bearable, thanks.

I was single throughout my pregnancy/first year with ds1 and people often commented at how well i'd coped on my own, all I thought was how the hell do people manage to sustain a relationship through this!

It should have twigged then!

I'm just about to move out of my DP's house, I've been living there for 10 months.

The weight of not being a dating couple any more descended, but both of us still needed reassurance that not living together didn't need to be a death knell for the relationship.

What reassured my DP was understanding that I still wanted to be with him, and that I wanted to be with him deliberately, rather than by default, iyswim. I saw living apart as being a way of being happier together, not as a way of not being together at all.

What reassured me was that he recognised what a pain in the arse it is to conduct a relationship between two homes (constant travelling, not knowing which house my hairbrush is in, wanting my book at his house but having left it at home, being at his house knowing there's milk going off in the fridge in mine...), and he fully expected each of us to take on half of that inconvenience even if one of us wanted it (living apart) more than the other did.

I move next month. I am SO looking forward to having my own place, and to being a treasured guest in his. He is SO looking forward to coming to stay. Both of us are also a bit anxious curious about how much extra effort it will take to see each other.

So I think (hope!) it can be done, without needing to mean that the relationship peters out. It helped both of us a lot that it didn't happen very quickly, because it gave us plenty of time to talk about fears and anger and expectations as well as time to imagine what it might actually be like.

Taking our time also meant I got more of an idea what was realistic - and when the right place came up, not far from DP's house, we were ready for me to snap it up!

Good luck. It definitely helps to know it's going to happen, and even just knowing that it could happen lifted that weight for me.

Look, both the 'convention' of couples living together and the reason so many of us are not happy with it stem from the same place - the idea that women should service men domestically in return for 'romance'. A huge part of the constant peddling of romance and couplehood as essential to women is still about ensuring that women service men domestically and like it.

its funny sgb how the 'romance' bit gets dropped very quickly!! evolution i suppose!

I'm never going to live with a partner ever again. They move in, get their suspect looking feet under the table and take this as a signal to treat you like sh*t.

I'm never washing or ironing anyone's clothes but my own children and only then till they're adults.

I went on a holiday on my own recently and loved it. Just a few days away. It was great. I had lunch when I wanted to. Worked to my own itinery. Went to sleep when I wanted to. Fabulous time.

Since when did living together mean you have to pick up his socks and cook for thousands?

Get your DP/older kids to do their fair share THEN see if you still want to move out.

My best friend has been living on her own for several years now after sadly losing her DP at a very young age. Once she got over the initial shock/grief and rebuilt her life she has totally embraced her independence. There have been a number of close relationships but she is adamant that she just wants to have fun and is not looking for anything long-term. She loves the freedom to do her own thing and certainly never seems lonely or short of friends. I think it just depends on the individual - some like/need the security of a partner but others are just as happy alone.

Good grief - dh doesn't do this. My life would be incomparably more difficult without him in it. It isn't just that I love him but that he shares the load of all the general "stuff" of life.

I could live on my own but my life would be less rich and definitely harder and more tiring without dh in it.

However I do still belive that some people are better suited to live as single people rather than in a couple. I won't say "live alone" because if you have children you don't live alone.

I am selfish and proud! I like to let my own space become a rubbish tip when I feel like it; I like to clean when I want, eat what I feel like eating, sleep star-shaped and spend hours in the bathroom if I want to. The TV remote is all mine

I always used to say I wanted a relationship where we lived at opposite ends of the same street. Nobody took me up on it, though (yet).

I keep meaning to mention Helena Bonham-Carter & Tim Burton. They live in adjacent houses, with a connecting door added (it locks).

Oh, somebody did mention them

Oh i'll definetly be a lot worse off financially, but i've never been very materialistic, as long as I can get by i'm happy and happiness takes priority in my book.

Will broach the subject again very soon, even if to say look its happening at some point.

It will be a massive shock to me i'm sure of that, but as one poster says, once your by that stage then i'll definetly be embracing it.

Oh god, having to make a 'proper' dinner every night is one thing i won't miss.

Silly little things and bigger things, its just not me, why didn't I see this years ago!!!!

I really am going to hurt a lot of people doing this, even if it all goes the cosy little story i've got in my head (ie us going back to being blissfully happy again).

I still feel the same as I did a month ago when I said it the first time.

Lifes too short, right?