Got fab job in other country, DH not so keen, what to do?

[Gemzooks]

Major dilemma.

Just to give the background, we have both lived and worked outside the UK for the last 10 years. I have followed DH to 3 countries, including quite dodgy ones in Central Asia etc and managed to get jobs there each time. We always said that he would also follow me if I had a good opportunity. We have a DS of 3 and a DD of 1.

Anyway we now live in Holland.

I've just been offered a brilliant, well paid job in a slightly dodgy country on the borders of Europe, where both me and DH speak the language fluently. Job comes with a nice house, flights home etc, health insurance and all that.

Problem is, DH is hankering after a return to London, which would totally make sense for him professionally. I could also get a job in London but am REALLY keen to go for this one I've been offered, on the grounds that this opportunity will not come up again, and is with an international organisation I want to get in with in the future.

Options are basically:

1. he comes to the country with me and puts his career on hold for 3 years, after which I've agreed to follow him (again) wherever he wants, probably London. He thinks there is no work for him in the country, but he does speak the language and could work, just not doing something ideal.

1. I say no to the job, but my job here ends in Sept, then I'm in limbo waiting to know if we're going to London or what.

1. he stays here or in London while I and kids start off in the new country, and we have an uncomfortable commute at weekends and holidays (I will get 2 months holiday a year).

I REALLY want to do this exciting job, also financially it would be great. But I don't want my DH to be unhappy. Am I being unfair pushing for it, given that I have moved loads and given up 3 good jobs for him? (plus time off for kids etc)..

what do you think?

what would your answer be if it was DH being offered this job and you knew you could get a job, but not your dream job, in the same country?

It doesn't seem like a huge ask for him to follow you in the scheme of things especially as he speaks the language, but I don't know your family dynamics!

I think it's time for him to follow you for a change. But then I'm in awe of your extremely glamorous sounding lifestyle, where you travel all over the place and are polyglots.

Well, I've already done that, followed him to 3 countries, and I've just done my damndest to get jobs and have been quite successful. The difference is that I have experience in a few different areas, and he has one single, very clear profession which he's followed since leaving uni, and is only on his 2nd employer. he's much more on a linear career path.. and scared of falling off it.

not very glamorous awesome wellies!! but would be a bit more if I took the job. Oh hell!!

I think, as you already agreed it, he should follow you for a change.

another consideration is that our kids are small, doesn't really matter about education etc. whereas in 3-4 years we have to start thinking and maybe settling back in UK

didn't you discuss it before you applied for the job?

You followed him, he follows you. That's only fair.

And if he stays or goes to London, then why the hell should it be YOU and the children to commute to see him.

Sounds like he's quite selfish and self-centred.

And the economy here is circling the bowl.

I'd take the job.

I would take a job and ask him to follow you and try to establish himself, but agree if he is not happy or not succesful in that country (job wise), he could move to London, get a job for him, do 1-2 years of commuting (i.e. seeing you) and settle there. So when you finish your contract, you can come to a "prepared" place to live.
Omg, your job sounds amazing (2 months holiday), I wonder what do you do!!

well, he would prob be the one to commute, but cos I would get loads of holiday, we would obv. come to spend it with him.

the job came out of nowhere a few weeks ago because I was automatically shortlisted for it because of having passed an exam 3 years ago, so we discussed it a bit, and both said let's go for it, why not? then had a phone interview last week and got the confirmation yesterday, but I think he was shocked when I actually got it!

I can totally empathise.

I have followed my DH to 3 separate countries, all either weird or dodgy - some that nobody can locate on a map! - but challenging and interesting all the same. He also has a very linear, stable job and has been with the same company for a decade. I have always worked freelance wherever we have been, usually successfully, but my career has always been second to his, iyswim.

Long story short, our marriage is now I think about to fall apart. One of the issues is that, if push came to shove, I don't think he would ever actually move to follow me. HIS career goals are more important than mine.

From bitter experience, I would put your foot down. I didn't want to do our third move, but he over-ruled me. I really regret that.

If you have followed him 3 times, it is YOUR turn baby! Especially if the money is great, it's a fabulous work opportunity for you, the kids won't be impacted and he speaks the language. If a man is not prepared to move in these circumstances - which are basically as perfect as they will ever be - I don't think he will ever be prepared to follow your dreams for a bit, not his.

Your dreams will always be second to his.

My advice: Stand Your Ground.

I wish I had. Good luck.

take the job - his turn to follow you - and he has option to go to london and commute to see you.

presume salary will extend to full time nanny and housekeepers...?

Your DH's career path has only been so linear as you have supported him in that and moved to where his work was. If you hadn't have been so agreeable in all of his moves, then perhaps he would have had more than 2 employers.

Take the job, is your turn. Why men do always think they have priority? oh, yes.. perhaps because we let them have priority until they are fully convinced it is their right.

I think you should take the job.

Then work out the rest. Dh stays or commutes depending on what works best for you both.

I think your DH should follow you for a change and make the most of the job he can find there. Isn't that what you've done for the past 10 years? I think he is being totally selfish not to see that.

You should all move together as a family, the idea of commuting and living in two different cities is stress family life doesn't need.

You will regret it and resent him if you don't take this opportunity. You both need to talk more. Three years goes so fast.

Take the job. He doesn;t get to be the one who takes priority all the time just because he has a penis.

Take the job. It's your turn.

What Rindercella said. It's his turn now to "do his damndest" and "manage to get a job" that might be than ideal, because it's your turn for the ideal job.

After all, you have done this for him three times already. If he complains, remind him that this is only the first of three times he should in all fairness be following you between countries

Honestly, your life sounds fabulous!!

financially can you as a family afford for him to put his career on hold for 3 years?

There is always a risk with long distance relationships that the relationship may end. How are you going to work against that if you do go with the kids? How are you going to keep him an active part of the family lifestyle?

thanks all! it's given me some food for thought...

I think it is still a shock, we only found out late yesterday afternoon, and I think he'll come round after he's got used to the idea... we did talk about it a bit this a.m... anyway will keep you posted! thanks!

"We always said that he would also follow me if I had a good opportunity."

The answer is right there. You've moved to follow him and he's already agreed that he would do the same for you. You will end up resenting him for his selfishness if you move back to London now.

I think you need to give him a chance to get used to the idea.

Do his employers have any business in the country you are going to?

"financially can you as a family afford for him to put his career on hold for 3 years? There is always a risk with long distance relationships that the relationship may end."

Exactly that's why it is important that they take turns, because if he keeps getting priority and then the relationship fails, she will be the one who, for putting her career second to the husband all the time, would be in the worst position.

Oh, CONGRATULATIONS!! Essentially, you applied for this position 3 years ago when you took the exam. That's 3 years during which your career has been 'on hold' (though not time wasted, obviously) ... and now you've got it! Any partner, who responds with anything but joy for you, deserves a sharp slap and no dinner, imo.

According to your greater plan, you and DH have discussed this, in depth, and your 'rules' were laid down ages ago. The current situation was discussed in advance, and your agreed principles say you should take it & he should support you.

Yes, he deserves sympathy as he's in for the bumpier ride just now. Sympathy ... but not sacrifice. Accept the offer.