Got fab job in other country, DH not so keen, what to do?

[Gemzooks]

Major dilemma.

Just to give the background, we have both lived and worked outside the UK for the last 10 years. I have followed DH to 3 countries, including quite dodgy ones in Central Asia etc and managed to get jobs there each time. We always said that he would also follow me if I had a good opportunity. We have a DS of 3 and a DD of 1.

Anyway we now live in Holland.

I've just been offered a brilliant, well paid job in a slightly dodgy country on the borders of Europe, where both me and DH speak the language fluently. Job comes with a nice house, flights home etc, health insurance and all that.

Problem is, DH is hankering after a return to London, which would totally make sense for him professionally. I could also get a job in London but am REALLY keen to go for this one I've been offered, on the grounds that this opportunity will not come up again, and is with an international organisation I want to get in with in the future.

Options are basically:

1. he comes to the country with me and puts his career on hold for 3 years, after which I've agreed to follow him (again) wherever he wants, probably London. He thinks there is no work for him in the country, but he does speak the language and could work, just not doing something ideal.

1. I say no to the job, but my job here ends in Sept, then I'm in limbo waiting to know if we're going to London or what.

1. he stays here or in London while I and kids start off in the new country, and we have an uncomfortable commute at weekends and holidays (I will get 2 months holiday a year).

I REALLY want to do this exciting job, also financially it would be great. But I don't want my DH to be unhappy. Am I being unfair pushing for it, given that I have moved loads and given up 3 good jobs for him? (plus time off for kids etc)..

what do you think?

Chandra is right: women are so often conditioned to thinking that the man's career is the one that matters ie that the man is somehow 'better' at having a career than the woman when it's more a case of women being schooled to prioritise men rather than a lack of ability or ambition in women.
And if the relationship fails, it will be because the man can't handle the idea of the woman being his equal, quite a lot of even fairly nice men want women to be a bit equal but not as equal as the men are.

It may fail for any reasons but whatever reason or circumstances, the one who is less professionally advanced is the one who pays the higher price when a relationship ends.

have just reread your OP where it says financially the move would begreat. Didn't see that before.

And, is he coming round to it?

Take the job. It's time for your dh to follow you, your career is just as important as his is.

Definitely take the job You will regret it if you don't, I think.

If you have always had an understanding that you both want a career, and neither one of you is the main breadwinner whilst the other one follows with the children, then I think it's only fair that he treats your career prospects as importantly s he treats his own. Your DCs are still young enough to be carted around the world without too much disruption but it won't always be so. If you don't do this now, you may never do it, as it will be harder to justify uprooting them from London in a few years time.

He shouldn't be making you push for it. He really shouldn't. He's making you feel guilty. Have you ever made him feel like this? Have you ever done anything but try to facilitate his career moves?

Sorry but I would just go. Dress it up how you like but it's his turn to unpack the boxes.

Plus, one more thing.

The only reason you need to concern yourself with his career is this.

Can the move have such a damaging effect on his career it will be up to you to be main breadwinner afterwards, and are you prepared for this?

If the answer is no, then there might be more thinking to do. Otherwise cripes you know the answer: it's your turn.

Go for it, it would be dubbious you would ever get another offer like that again. And if you refused an organisation once, you will have to have an awfully good reason to be able to get an other job with them or similar.
("my DH (DW) didn't want" is the worst excuse you can have, it usually means your familly is not mobile).
If you do say no, you have to make sure you won't resent your DH later on.
I gave up my carrier to follow my DH, but it was my choice not his. And I am happy to make sure our girls have some kind of stability.
Congratulations on your dream job (plus your expat package seems to be at the top), they usually take care of the DH too, and might facilitate his search for a job. His company might need him somewhere close or even in the same country, If he doesn't ask he will never know.

Wondered if any decision had been made about the job?

I would not worry about your Kids, I think traveling around the world will give them far more grounding and wonderful experiences that any primary school can, I watched a documentary where a guy live ina different country every year until he child was 10, to give him a complete broad stroke of what life is like.

what a wonderful idea, if you can afford it

Sounds like the timing is right and the opportunity too good to give up.

i would take the job, otherwise you may always regret it and you don't want to resent your DH forever for not supporting you on this.

Take the job and remind your dh of what you agreed in the 1st place! it's your turn to do something that you want, especially after following him to 3 different countries. He can have a career break and take it up again when the UK economy is more sorted.

Does he have a job now?

If not then he should follow you. Nothing to stop him applying for jobs while out there. If he gets offered one then you can make a decision over which job is the best for your family. He may struggle to find work at the minute as economy so dire.

I can understand though that he would be scared of having 3 years out. He may find it hard to get back in. My DH had 3 years out of work as a stay at home dad and struggled afterwards.