Adult stepson problem

[taylorgirl5664]

Hi everyone, first time on here! Hope you can advise me here, my stepson is 19years old but behaves like a 10 year old. He lives with his mum and her partner and brother and sister but still insists he has his weekends with his dad even though he is 19. When he comes over he gets drunk, then sits around all sunday demanding food, being generally rude and refusing to do anything. He expects his dad to make his weekends 'special', ie take him out etc. We used to have the boys seperately as the other one is younger but is not a problem, but because we never got any time together we decided to have them together. It is a nightmare, he constantly winds his younger brother up, fights with him and contiuously asks questions all day long about nothing. My son is a year older than him and is in the army, but never behaved like this and my daughter is off to uni in a couple of months and again is a lovely adult and good company. He also has a problem with us getting married saying it is too soon he told me his dad still loves his mum which is totally untrue, they split 6 years ago and she has another child. My partners solution to this is that he doesnt come round but I'm not sure that is the right one. Any views on this would be much appreciated.

What does your partner think about it all?

He is behaving more like the 13 year old he was when his parents split up. He is testing his dad - he needs to know how badly can he behave and his Dad will still love him. Stopping the visits won't help but you have to manage to be firm and show him that you won't tolerate his behaviour while at the same time showing him that his Dad does still love him and always will.

He thinks his son his son is a complete pain and is rude and all the other things I mentioned but he just says 'what do you want me to do', he has spoken to his son but he wont listen. He is adament his son will not come between us and he wont but it doesnt make the situation any easier. We went to a restaurant the other day and he just embarrassed us all the way through it, he was loud, pinching his younger brother and talking about inapropriate things. My partner is court in the middle I suppose, i just don't understand why they cant have an adult relationship, like meeting for a drink now and again or something instead of his weekend.

Daffydilly thanks. He probably is, but I just cant see an end to it I suppose, this has been going on for 18 months and he is getting worse if anything. My children lost their dad, 10 years ago, and I know it is difficult for them to cope, and my son pushed it a bit but I was firm with him and really glad I was or he would be walking all over me now. But I never had this sort of behaviour it is alien to me and exhausting.

I don't think your hubby and his son will sort out the problems unless they both want to, I would suggest they both go off and have some joint and individual counselling as they both seem to have problems, your hubby in taking responsibility for failing his child as a father, as lets face it if he had done a good job his son would not feel the need to act out as he is, and your stepson needs to work on why he is acting out and how he can move on from what his father did or did not do for him as a child, there seems a huge amount of pain there for the step child and it seems that his father has no idea how to handle it and it is such a shame!

Is he sn?

If not I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour at all. Not from a 19 year old.

He needs to act his age.

His mum left the relationship, she got pregnant by someone else, his son almost blames his dad for her going off, he cant see anything wrong in what his mum did. i don't think his son sees a problem and my partner has always just let him do what he wants, but now we live together and are getting married soon it has become a problem.

you sound like you have given your son good parenting, when his dad died and he has his step dad living there, with him to love him and give him guidance so it is no wonder that he is managing to be an adult!

At the end of the day your stepson's father has been fathering fatherless children instead of him, that would annoy and hurt any child!

Sorry what does sn mean?

oh You did not fill in the history so it is making sense as we go along!

I see you moving in has that been in the last 18 months and coincided with the step son playing up? has the father been much of a father since he left? How very sad for your step son, there must have been problems in the marriage, why your oh married a woman who did as you tell us she did and has no interest in parenting his son, you say he is soft, and you were hard, the answer is in your oh's parenting if he sorts out past issues with his son, the issues will not carry on to you.

It sounds to me as if his son is crying out for his fathers love and has not got it, and that in causing a fuss with you and getting his father to chose him over some woman he will finally feel loved by his father, what a shame his father does not make him feel loved

He is 19.

An adult.

He needs to act his age.

Ask what his problem is?

If its about his dad etc. Then I would remind him who left the marriage and why. Mummy dearest is no angel. Why should his dad pick up all the flak?

No, my two sons do not live with me anymore and my eldest hasnt for a long time. Neither of them lived with my present partner.

sn = special needs.

"what a shame his father does not make him feel loved" - You know this how?

He is 19 ffs.

mummiehunnie - did you perhaps consider it is his mothers parenting that could be at fault?

Oh I see, so it is not due to jealousy of your boys and his father! thanks for filling us in taylor girl.

He will hear nothing bad said about his mum. His dad looked after the boys most of the time as she worked every evening and he was devestated when she told him to leave and told him she was pregnant at the same time. She has made things difficult for him and made his life a misery, god knows why, he has had his boys every weekend for the last six years.

sorry im not very good at this am I!

If he is not sn then he sounds like a spoilt twat who needs to grow up.

I would go for the direct approach. Eg 'WTF is your problem? Why do you act this way? You are 19 and your behaviour is ridiculous'

No he is not special needs, he just acts like he is. i think ultimately he would love it if my partner chose him over me, and I think that is a very selfish attitude to be honest.

Oh dear Taylor, this sounds like there is a lot of baggage from your oh's past relationship, as you were widdowed, you will not have had this sort of stuff yourself, others pains I am sure x

I wonder what appealed to your oh about his ex, and why he could not see through her ways before they married and had children, I had to work through that after my divorce, has he ever worked through that sort of stuff?

With regards to his son, I think he really should work on that, I would not want his past to make your relationship toxic, who needs that in their lives, we deserve happiness, and I hope that it gets sorted, as he will be so much happier to have a happy son and a good relationship with him x

I would do that but my partner pussyfoots around and never actually says what he wants to say. Perhaps I should just say it. He would then go back to his mum and moan, and she would give my partner grief. My partner has only just learnt to tell her where to go with a bit of coaxing on my part.

I find it more than a little odd that a 19yo still wants to come over every other weekend like a child whose access is dictated by a contact agreement. Really sounds like he wants to continue in the role of child, when really he is an adult. This really needs to be addressed - sounds like a nightmare, don't envy you

taylor, it is not over you, it is probably he would like his father to choose him over any lady in his fathers life, you just don't know what leads children to be so insecure, and at the end of the day no matter how much the other parent is toxic, it is the responsibility of each parent to make their child feel loved by them each individually and if that is not the case, they need to ask themselves why their child does not feel loved by them!

Taylor, your oh is then a pussyfusser who has no interest in sorting things out and you are being left to clean up his mess, it may be anger at that behaviour that caused his marriage to break down last time, I wonder if he wants to take any responsibility for anything or if he is just blaming his ex wife for everything, he chose to marry her at the end of the day, people don't change that often, you can knock yourself out till you are blue in the fact advising your oh to behave this way and that, it will not bring either of you happiness in the end, he is the man he is

Im not sure his son is that unhappy, he just plays at it. The only time he contacts his dad is when he wants a lift or wants something. So he hardly misses him when they are not together. My partners sister thinks his son is a complete idiot and behaves like a spoilt brat. She thinks we should just not have him over full stop.