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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult stepson problem

46 replies

taylorgirl5664 · 08/06/2010 14:37

Hi everyone, first time on here! Hope you can advise me here, my stepson is 19years old but behaves like a 10 year old. He lives with his mum and her partner and brother and sister but still insists he has his weekends with his dad even though he is 19. When he comes over he gets drunk, then sits around all sunday demanding food, being generally rude and refusing to do anything. He expects his dad to make his weekends 'special', ie take him out etc. We used to have the boys seperately as the other one is younger but is not a problem, but because we never got any time together we decided to have them together. It is a nightmare, he constantly winds his younger brother up, fights with him and contiuously asks questions all day long about nothing. My son is a year older than him and is in the army, but never behaved like this and my daughter is off to uni in a couple of months and again is a lovely adult and good company. He also has a problem with us getting married saying it is too soon he told me his dad still loves his mum which is totally untrue, they split 6 years ago and she has another child. My partners solution to this is that he doesnt come round but I'm not sure that is the right one. Any views on this would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Mummiehunnie · 08/06/2010 15:22

face not fact lol x

Mummiehunnie · 08/06/2010 15:25

So this boys aunt thinks he is a complete idiot and that you should not have him over, lovely woman! there does not seem to be a lot of mature thinking going on with her, her brother so it is no wonder the step son is so emotionally immature also, if they were his role models, I think this will run and run Taylor, these people have little interest in looking at what the problem could be or little empathy. I wish you luck, you are going to need it with all the drama's that family will bring into your life x

Original poster
taylorgirl5664 · 08/06/2010 15:27

allnew - it is odd still having your weekends at 19 years old, I mean when does it stop when he is 40! I thought when your kids get to 18 they become adults and take responsibility for themselves, yes we guide them but not still have to look after them like babies.

OP posts:
pleasechange · 08/06/2010 15:30

mummie but if this adult(!) wasn't a step-child, then I think your response would be very different, and more likely, that he needed to get off his a** and grow up. Not all teenage bad behavious can be attributed to being a step-child - they can be just genuine lazy pains in the ass like any other teenager

pleasechange · 08/06/2010 15:31

taylorgirl - you've now given me the horrible thought that this is what I have coming (eldest DSS 14 but is surgically attached to DH when here!)

Original poster
taylorgirl5664 · 08/06/2010 15:36

No im sure yours wont be the same, it cant be!

OP posts:
pleasechange · 08/06/2010 15:38

I'm not so sure - I think it's a bit odd that at 14 he has no interest in spending any of his weekend time with friends, but rather follows DH around the house like love sick puppy

Original poster
taylorgirl5664 · 08/06/2010 15:39

mummiehunnie - I appreciate you advice but not sure you understand what he is like. There is no reason at all for him to behave like this and I certainly don't think his dad has caused it, I just think he is genuinely sellfish and doesnt want things to change. Why cant he just be happy for his dad, why cant he be adult enough for that.

OP posts:
frostyfingers · 08/06/2010 15:44

Would it be worth your OH writing a letter to his son explaining that he is marrying you, that his (son's) behaviour will not stop this, etc etc - sometimes letters are a good way to get exactly what you mean across without having an argument.....

Original poster
taylorgirl5664 · 08/06/2010 15:47

frostyfingers - that may be a good idea actually, then he can actually put what he needs to say instead of his son arguing him down. I will suggest that. The last time his son through a major tantrum because his dad hadnt replied to his text one weekend, my partner ended up apologising, I was furious because he hadnt done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
taylorgirl5664 · 08/06/2010 15:48

allnew - he is still relatively young and they do change very quickly from 14 onwards so he is probably just feeling a bit insecure. When my boys got to 15 I hardly saw them they were always doing something so don't worry too much about that.

OP posts:
pleasechange · 08/06/2010 15:52

thanks taylor, fingers crossed

The letter sounds like a good idea. Your DH does need to put his foot down, but I realise that is easier said than done

Mummiehunnie · 08/06/2010 16:03

Taylor, I am a child of divorce with step families and a divorced woman, been there done it, I know what I am telling you is something that you don't want to hear, my advice remains the same, the problem will remain when the father and the son have unresolved issues, which from your posts seem evident and something that will not change, I hope that you have the peacefull life you deserve after all that you have been through, you don't deserve to spend years being a rescuer in a problem that is not yours and in which the father and son have made no ends to make their relationship better, you can't do it for them, best of luck x

GeekOfTheWeek · 08/06/2010 16:04

mummiehunnie, it is not a child that is being a problem. He is an adult.

Anyway, having parents divorce is not a green light for twattish behaviour. Especially at 19

Mummiehunnie · 08/06/2010 16:06

Also wanted to add, the likely outcome after years of crap will be:

Taylor, all the nasty comments and judgements about the ex wife and the son, will be made about you in years to come, for example, it was all Taylor's fault, she made me be nasty to your mum and tell her what's for, it was all Taylor's fault you were not allowed over a weekends, it was all Taylor's fault that I did not see my son for years, blah blah blah, from your oh and his sister and son, and you will have put so much into making something work that they have no interest in making work, and come out of it as the bad person!

Original poster
taylorgirl5664 · 08/06/2010 16:18

mummiehunnie - they are not nasty comments they are fact. When do children become adults and become responsible for their actions instead of blaming someone else.

OP posts:
Mummiehunnie · 08/06/2010 16:26

Taylor, have you heard of the drama triangle, you can google it, the rescuer is manily the one who looses out in the end, I wish you well x

Mummiehunnie · 08/06/2010 16:39

There is no reason at all for him to behave like this and I certainly don't think his dad has caused it, I just think he is genuinely sellfish and doesnt want things to change. Why cant he just be happy for his dad, why cant he be adult enough for that.

Looking at this from the adult...

You feel the son has no reason at all to behave as he is... ok you know him and his history and I only know what you have posted, if you feel that he has no reason then I believe you!

You feel that the father has done nothing wrong... again I believe you

You think that step son is selfish and doesn't want to change thing... dito with believing you

Why can't he be happy you ask, the reason I think from the limited info I have is that no one in his family seems to want anyone else to be happy, and that they all are so selfish and child like in their thinking that it is all about them and doing and not thinking...

Why can't the step son be adult about it, because every one he looks up to is all very young emotionally from what you say on here, the mother the father the aunt etc.. very immature thinking so it is no wonder the son has immature thinking also...

I think the whole thing is very sad for you all and that it will go on in your life, as long as you allow it to

Aldred · 09/06/2010 08:12

I suggest that you and your husband sit down together and write a list of behaviours and attitudes that are acceptable and welcome in your house, and a list of those that are not. Apply them to everyone one, and stick to them. make it quite clear that anyone not following the house rules will not be welcome. It is your and your partners home so together you both decide what happens in it. Decide before hand how you will handle anyone who doesnt show the respect you expect in your home.

Original poster
taylorgirl5664 · 09/06/2010 09:33

Aldred - my daughter absolutely adheres to the rules in our house so does my partners younger son of 16. His 19 year old son refuses to. My partner has spoken to him and he refuses to help out, or change his attitude. he takes over the house and gets stroppy and bad tempered if we confront him. The only choice is for him not to come, but it just causes more trouble.

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 09/06/2010 09:53

Taylor, personally i would speak to him about it again and make it clear that if his behaviour doesn't change he will no longer be welcome. Then follow through with it.

At 19 he is taking the piss and his behaviour shouldn't be facilitated or excused.

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