3 week old baby and discover he has been having an affair for 3 1/2 years

[jellybean77]

I have a 3 week old baby and last Wednesday my husband phoned to tell me he had been having an affair for 3 1/2 years. (It started 3 months after we got married)
I have a 2 year old as well......
He said it started with a drunken kiss at a Christmas party and escalated into more.
He says that once it started he felt it couldn't stop and has literally created 2 worlds for himself.
My world has ended............. we were the couple this was never gong to happen to.
Everyone is in shock - for everyone it feels like he has cheated on them - friends, family etc...because it is so far removed from his character.
He says he loves me and he never stopped loving me, he was just able to separate his life whenever he closed the front door and went to work.
I have no idea how to function, and I have a newborn and a toddler to look after,
I look like me and sound like me...but I feel like I have been replaced with a robot who can get up and do the things that need doing around her... but I am not really here.

whatevs

Don't flatter yourself hasna

Hey Jellybean just wanted to post that you sound incredibly strong,

but can't believe some people can be so rude if you want to troll go start your own thread hasna some people have real problems FFS,

Are you in NI Jellybean, I think I remember you fom another thread?

whats wrong with the truth?!! wake up! men sleep around.... why? cause they want to and they can! cause there are women who will take your men... they dont moan... most of them know that he has another partner etc. and they stay quite and take what they can from him. all i am saying is that we can possibly acknowledge that she is also a female in need... and as sisters we should allow this so all women can have a right to some love, satisfaction and family. Sharing is good but not in the same bed! Well thats my opinion and i have not cursed or put down your opinions and i dont think you should mine.

start your own thread, loser

very insensitive to hijack someone else's

thankfully she has some manners and hasn't threatened to rip your head off for your insensitivity

Yeah Hasna - f**k off. You're not helping.

your just looking to be accepted. i am giving sincere opinion and the truth of our society. if she thinks i am being insensitive then she will tell me and i will sincerely apologise to her.

Just for a second I will take you seriously, how is it sisterly to slap somone in the face when they have already had a kickin, thats exactly what that last post is a slap in the face,
go start a thread in AIBU and see how it goes down

how can you guys help anyone when you cant even control your mouths and swear as much as you do. speaking the truth does help. i dont live in cuckoo land....good luck to you all. you need it.

does that mean you're leaving? Hurrah.

yes it does. love you and leave you. goodnight. take care. may allah create a sisterly love amongst us. ameen.

you don't live in cuckoo land - but you're surprised when you have 5 children already, shag a man 11yrs your junior, get pregnant by him and then he turns round and says he doesn't want it.

do be a dear and go to bed - you must have school in the morning.......

i dont mind. im stronger than you think. your opinions mean nothing to me. i do have school in the morning. thanks.

most of my advice to jellybean77. it is only my opionion. if i have offended you in any way then my apologise and if anyone else wants an argument then you will have to find someone else to argue with as i am truly going to bed. good luck Jellybean77 whatever way your path goes in life.

so if our opinions mean nothing to you - why bother starting a thread asking for our opinions elsewhere on here???

hasna..."I am the REAL woman" so your dp/dh sleeps around then, does he? And is refusing to stop his adulterous behaviour, so this is how you live with that, this is how you justify that...by believing that it is OK. Well good for you if you can accept your partner putting you at risk of all sorts.

Not all men sleep around, that's a lie! And to 'comfort' a woman who has been cheated on for almost her entire married life with your drivel, is crap & very very low!

The cultures you talk about, they accept multiple partners & the wives know about the others....OP had no ideas her husband was seeing someone else, she did not enter into an open marriage, she wanted a marriage forsaking all others, so please try to understand why she doesn't want to share her husband. And why she shouldn't have to.

It is fine if that is what other cultures believe, but it doesn't mean it has to apply to everyone & it doesn't make it right for everyone.

Deceit's never right and it's pants to encourage any woman (or man!) to accept abuse on any level. An affair is an abusive act.

Deceit's never right and it's pants to encourage any woman (or man!) to accept abuse on any level. An affair is an abusive act.

WEll Hasna has been very accomodating with all the pricks men in her life so far, turning an understanding blind eye to their 'needs' when they shag around. Sadly it hasn't stopped her being used as a human punchbag and breeding heifer, and then dumped by three of them, and it looks like it's going that way again with a fourth, so I'm a bit as to why she thinks she's qualified to hand out marriage guidance counselling to anyone....

Hasna sort out your own sordid little life first, then get back to us, will you?

All I wanted to say is that I am so sorry this should happen to you. I know you will make it through and you need to take each day as it comes because looking any further than that will be too much.

xxx

Jellybean, have a look at this to see if you think your H has a sociopathic personality disorder

When I posted on here I expected to get some points of view i disagreed with - but never quite to this extent!.
However its clear when people are responding with their best intentions at heart and when people are being malicious.

Things at home are incredibly up and down.
I have decided to try and see if I can try (the step before trying!)
He has moved back in to the spare room he is seeing his therapist and we are seeing relate.

I have read every book under the subject and how the rational part of my brain can understand how a friendship can tip over into something else (we have all had holiday romances) I still have days like today where I wake up and think "3 years! 3 bloody years"
I got married, had children and made a home with a man who was cheating on me. I deserve so much more than this...

He says he loves me, but at the same time says he might have done this because he had fallen out of love with me....while not nice to hear It doesn't surprise me...how can you be in love with someone if you are constantly thinking about someone else.
Being in love is having someone constantly on your mind, constantly thinking - what are they doing, would they like this, I cant wait to tell them about.......

And it feels that while he is saying he wants to make this work, he still has one foot out the door as an exit strategy......but I don't want to force him.
I want someone to love me because they can't help themselves, not because they feel so guilty about what they have done they think they have to.

Can it ever work? We have been together 11 years and have wonderful memories, but I just didn't think it was possible for him to ever do this to me....to the children and even to hmiself.

Sorry, JB, but you wanting it to work soooo much will not make it so

I could not live with the distrust and feeling somehow wanting, that I was never, and never will be, enough for him

Your life...the only one you get.

You can do better than this half-life with a man who doesn't really want you (despite the pretty words he spouts...his actions tell you otherwise)

It is still very early days for you and your and his feelings will probably change over the coming weeks etc. Normally the advice is not to do anything drastic for the first three months after discovery but you should be seeing some actions from him. Has all contact with OW stopped ? That to me would be the very least of my requirements. Your marriage stands no hope if they are still in contact.

If after all the counselling etc you feel you can't continue that is OK, not your fault, if you are done with it, you are done. It's not easy to recover from an affair either on your own or together, it's a horrible, horrible place to be.

Good luck.

JB, what do you mean when you say it feels like he has one foot out of the door? What is he doing that leads to you thinking that?

I understand that you're going to "try to see if you can try" - that's a good way of putting it! Have you managed to define why you still might want him? You need to separate what he brings to the table in terms of being a parent, a wage earner - and the outside world's view of you being half of a couple, from the qualities that make you want him iyswim. If you are staying for reasons other than him and his qualities as your romantic partner, I don't think it will work.

Counting is right about not making decisions in haste. In the early stages, hurt pride very understandably gets in the way of making rational decisions about your life.

You don't say much about what has happened since discovery, or your conversations. It might help you to write this down, if not on here, then in a journal. If you decide to use this as your journal though, you will get a lot of help and support, malicious trolls notwithstanding...