3 week old baby and discover he has been having an affair for 3 1/2 years

[jellybean77]

I have a 3 week old baby and last Wednesday my husband phoned to tell me he had been having an affair for 3 1/2 years. (It started 3 months after we got married)
I have a 2 year old as well......
He said it started with a drunken kiss at a Christmas party and escalated into more.
He says that once it started he felt it couldn't stop and has literally created 2 worlds for himself.
My world has ended............. we were the couple this was never gong to happen to.
Everyone is in shock - for everyone it feels like he has cheated on them - friends, family etc...because it is so far removed from his character.
He says he loves me and he never stopped loving me, he was just able to separate his life whenever he closed the front door and went to work.
I have no idea how to function, and I have a newborn and a toddler to look after,
I look like me and sound like me...but I feel like I have been replaced with a robot who can get up and do the things that need doing around her... but I am not really here.

What a twat

What lucky1979 said.

lucky1979 is spot on. I bet he would not have said a thing if OW had not forced the situation.

You deserve better than that.

I think he is only saying he wants your marriage to work as he sees a future with no regular sex and no meals being cooked for him and having to do his own laundry. So suddenly, after 3.5 years he gets a conscience?

I hope you talk to RL friends and get your head into some sort of shape soon

Totally agree with Lucky. He's been very content to lie to your face for 3.5 years and now that he's been rumbled and has no choice, he's suddenly full of remorse??

I think you need to take some time and work out what is really going on here

what lucky and miggsie said

please don't cave, OP, just because you want your "old life" back

that life never existed...it was built on lies and deceit

unless he proves to you, over a very long period of time, by his actions, not his words that you can work on this together....there is no chance for you both

you will get good advice here...from people who have been through similar stuff

some people worked it out, some people are still working it out and some realised that once the trust is gone, all is ashes

good luck to you and reach out for your RL support...it certainly sounds like you have it in spades

the worst thing you could do now is to accept any emotional support from him, as tempting as that must seem

Hi jellybean, how are you doing? Just wanted to check you are OK x

So sad for you. This was never a marriage, and he doesn't deserve you. My guess is also that he has told you (over the phone too ) because he has been dumped and now others know too, and not because of remorse.

Surround yourself with people who truly love you and who will look after you (NOT HIM), and make no sudden decisions. Do not let your immediate needs influence you towards allowing him to pretend to support you. Ultimately, though, this has not been a marriage. It has been convenient for him, and becoming a father no doubt has boosted his ego. He will need a huge amount of serious therapy to change and grow up. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for this to happen. He sounds like a psycho.

Don't get all sentimental about the life you had, because it was a lie, a life with a stranger. Someone capable of this sort of double life has huge problems, and the one decision I would make immediately is to ask him to leave and live somewhere else, because it will be incredibly painful to have him around.

I agree with the other posters, they speak a great deal of sense. He's never been a decent husband, and would have continued being a waste of space as long as he could have. Don't give him the satisfaction of having his 'happy family' back - he's only expressing sorrow and regret at being caught and facing consequences, not true regret at his actions and their devastating impact.

I think with the help of RL friends and family, you can build a much better life for you and your children, without him.

How are you Jellybean? Hope I didn't kill your thread with my post last night!

.

2 weeks post trauma and things are getting a bit better.

He moved out immediately and I retreated to my parents. I am now back home but surrounded by the most brilliant fairy Godmothers I could ever wish for.

He is seeing the girls and we are managing to talk without screaming at each other

I have agreed to go to Relate, and our first session is next week.

Somewhere in there is the man I fell in love with, I am just not sure I will ever be able to look at him the same way....the person who made me the happiest I have ever been has also hurt me more than I ever thought possible.

Every day is different, some days are good and other bad..yesterday I burst into tears in Marks & Spencer; I was just overwhelmed by the enormity of what had just happened.

I have read the book recommended - Not Just Friends, and while it has helped me try and understand how this could happen, the end result is all with me...could I ever come to terms with the betrayal?

It will sound unbelievable to most, but in a way there is a bit of relief about the news, things had not been right for a long while..we had stopped talking and just existed side by side.
At least I know why now and I can stop torturing myself that I was to have a marriage akin to a 1950's housewife...I know I deserve better. The question is can he be better, or do I find someone else who would never consider doing this...

You are the eventual winner. You are left with 2 wonderful children and the future. He is left with memories of a sordid fumble and an ever dwindling prick - not so cool in his sixties however shiny his lap top case now.

It wont sound unbelievable to most of us that have been there, that sense of relief. It means an end to that strange limbo that precedes finding out.

Good luck with Relate.

hi. its not uncommon for men to have affairs one or more. most of the time they hide it from you. i think you are one of the lucky ones because he confided in you. many cultures and religions allow a man to have upto four wives, islam, and i know many men that have two or three wives and they all know about each other but live seperate lives. sometimes the women even become best friends. it all depends on how you see other women in relation to him. you may have some qualities that she will never possess and vice versa. its not the end of the world. you could negotiate time and even have a few days break knowing that your husband is with the other woman. this is great practise in dealing with jealousy, anger and envy.

Im just lurking...but what the fuck??

My friend is married to a muslim and she said if he ever had another woman she would cut his effing balls off!!

Jelly, I am quite sure that you will not become best friend's with your husband's mistress (am with you muffy - wtf?!).

You have received a HUGE shock - just awful, traumatic news when you are in such a vulnerable place yourself. I am so pleased that the Fairy Godmothers are doing their job and looking after you

I personally could not live with that level of betrayal - as I know I said earlier in the thread, it was not just a drunken fumble, nor a couple of weeks of summer madness. Your husband has spent the vast majority of your marriage living a lie. He has gone on and had 2 children with you while living this lie. To me that would be unforgiveable, but I do totally understand how much easier that is for me to write, sat here at my laptop from afar.

I just want to send you the very best wishes and I just know that you will come out of this a stonger person, however you resolve it. Wishing you and your babies love & peace x

hasna...do take a running jump, there's a dear

Does he have any children with the OW? Perhaps a meeting with her would be in order. He may still be lying .

Take good care.
x

Jellybean, I think you sound very strong for the circumstances.

I truly believe that one day, a few years from now, when you are with a much better man who really cares for you, you will look back on this dark moment as the time when your life changed for the better.

I really think when you are free, supported by your friends and family, and start to find the self esteem he has taken from you, you will be in a much better place.

I doubt that will be with your H, because anyone who can lie like this to themselves and their wife at home with a newborn, is a sociopath.

And Jellybean, whatever you do don't listen to hasna's earlier post. What a joke. Actually I suspect that's a man writing. No self respecting woman would post that.

hasna's other posts this evening would suggest he/she is on a wind-up

best left ignored

You make no sense whatsover, hasna

You have been reported, you muppet

cause i speak the truth.... shame.