Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Advice please. . got the OW coming round to collect Ds.

32 replies

maltesers · 08/06/2010 09:37

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Have never clapped eyes on the OW, even though my Ex has been with her for 18 months. The Ex is busy next Sat, so he is getting his girlfriend to come round to collect my DS, to go to Dads for the nite. Do I smile sweetly or do I tell her what dangerous water she has got herself into and its only a matter of time before he starts getting aggressive and treats her the way he treated me. Mentally and physically abusive . I guess i should say nothing as it will only look like sour grapes. She may well be finding out herself anyway by now.

OP posts:

Unlikelyamazonian · 08/06/2010 09:43

Smile sweetly and say nothing other than anything related to ds.

Ex is not not your problem anymore!

deste · 08/06/2010 09:50

Just be gratefull she has done you a favour and taken him off your hands.

LisaD1 · 08/06/2010 09:51

Agree, smile sweetly and say nothing. Your ex has probably painted you as a nut job anyway (to cover his own arse) so you'll just make him look right!

Doodlez · 08/06/2010 09:55

Be dead reasonable and friendly. She'll be nervous. Smile, shake her hand and say "pleased to meet you - DS has chatted a lot about you and thinks you are lovely". I'm really glad he's happy spending time with you".

The way I see it - she IS caring for your son, so you want her on-side for his sake!

Original poster

maltesers · 08/06/2010 09:56

Yeah, thats true LisaD1. . .i am probably to her the unreasonable, horrid Ex so i best smile nicely and be glad she has taken him off my hands. I have to say i am calmer and happier than i have been in many years. Woman need him like they need a hole in the head. !!!

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 08/06/2010 09:57

Shake her hand firmly and introduce yourself, then address yourself to your DS only (bye bye darling, see you tomorrow at 8pm) and say goodbye.

beanlet · 08/06/2010 10:01

Sounds like the OW is nicer than your XP -- I reckon you actually want her around to make sure your DS is OK!

Original poster

maltesers · 08/06/2010 10:02

eeeewwwhhh Bonsoir. . .thats sounds rather formal, and a bit over bearing.. . .sorry, but thats only IMHO. .
.Woman who shake the OWs hand?. . just seems a bit full of yourself.
I am not sure that is me . . i think just a hello and smile is more me. Respecting your opinion though Bonsoir.

OP posts:

Original poster

maltesers · 08/06/2010 10:05

She would have to be nice BEANLET to live with him. . .He has her running round in circles. . .cooking ironing, cleaning. . from what DS says she is always being domestic and she doesnt even live there all the time. The Ex saw her coming i reckon. . ! lol
Yes, i want to meet her . . as Ds is with her a lot . . how do i know she is not a nutcase like my Ex ?

OP posts:

Hawklore · 08/06/2010 10:06

Totally agree with the above. Smile sweetly and be nothing but nice. He's no longer your problem and she'll no doubt be seeing his true colours for herself soon enough.

She'd likely never believe your warnings anyway - your ex has no doubt painted you in an unflattering light. Particularly if the beginning of their relationship overlapped with the end of yours (I don't know the facts of your story). In fact, depending on what he's said to her about you, she might well be expecting you to be some kind of raving lunatic. If you want to look at it this way, a possible side benefit of you being all reason and charm might well be that you sew the seeds of doubt as to whether he's been telling her the whole truth about you...

DalbySun · 08/06/2010 10:10

I suppose the sensible "text book advice" thing to do would be to keep it entirely focussed on DS, and rise above it. Be the bigger person etc ...

I would SO want to drag her inside and give her the full run down though!!

DalbySun · 08/06/2010 10:12

(Obviously, don't take my advice, its silly and immature)

Ronaldinhio · 08/06/2010 10:12

mmm I liked Bonsoir's advice tbh

It certainly isn't your place to tell her anything about her relationship or your time with your ex
He is your ex and her current therefore none of your current business.

Also don't try to get your ds to fill you in on her and what she does. It puts him in a difficult position and won't give you any further insight that is helpful as his information will be skewed.

Also if you really believe your ex to be a nutcase then why are you allowing your ds to go to see him?

Original poster

maltesers · 08/06/2010 10:13

Yeah, true Dalbysun, but i think Hawklore has a valid point. I will just smile and be me. . . friendly, reasonable and a nice person. I have faults as we all do but i know i am an ok nice person.

OP posts:

Original poster

maltesers · 08/06/2010 10:17

Well, he is not that mad. . .He just has some emotional problems relating to ADHD and disassociation disorder.
He loves our DS and DS loves him and wants to see him, so i must let him see Dad. Ex is ok with son more or less , its the relationship thing he cant do, as he is manipulative, self centred and got a horrid temper.

OP posts:

Original poster

maltesers · 08/06/2010 10:17

OP posts:

MrsKitty · 08/06/2010 10:22

She's probably just as nervous about meeting you. Sounds like she did you a favour by taking Ex off your hands - you've got nothing to lose by being nice. I like Doodlez suggestion.

BringontheSun · 08/06/2010 10:24

Smile and be as friendly/nice as possible, but not creepy nice

If you can have a good reason for being dressed up nicely too (just mean dont answer the door in your house clothes/pjs) - such as popping out to lunch with friends etc/spending the day/night out, that extra effort might help make you feel better once they've gone and you do the usual comparisons in your head.

bibbitybobbityhat · 08/06/2010 10:27

Make sure you are looking your absolute best. Can you bake some bread so that gorgeous smells are wafting out the front door?

[shallow emoticon]

porcamiseria · 08/06/2010 14:32

keep your mouth shut, not your problem

if you say anyhting IT WILL BACKFIRE

Original poster

maltesers · 08/06/2010 15:48

God my Ex is an arse. . .change of plan in that she has to come to our school fete to collect my son. . .Poor woman. . I will be there with partner and on own territory, (as it were) so it going to be tougher for her.!
My Ex is busy playing cricket apparently , so he cant come to collect our DS. Has got her to do his dirty work IYSWIM. If she has any sense she will say NO and get him to do it. (Selfish man, IMO)

OP posts:

secunda · 08/06/2010 15:51

She sounds alright tbh. Just be normal-nice. It's up to her to work out whether/that he is an arsehole

gagamama · 08/06/2010 15:51

Just make sure you are devestatingly gorgeous, lovely, intelligent and self-assured. Which I'm sure you are. So you'll be fine!

secunda · 08/06/2010 15:54

Not sure why other people are turning it into a competition ('be gorgeous, be cooking bread' etc.) It's a bit pathetic, and it's not as though you want him back is it!

Original poster

maltesers · 08/06/2010 15:57

No way would i cook anything., . .who cares what cooking smells waft from my house. Dont care if its Macdonald TBH.
Do care that i look nice though. Dont wanna look old and frumpy with no make up on. I always look smart and with make up on. Infact i wouldnt go to the corner shop without makeup on. Am just one of those people i am afraid.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2