How do I say tell dh that I want us to split?

[zedsdead]

(I think). That's not a rhetorical question btw - I genuinely just can't imagine how/where/when I can find the words to come out with it. I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about how unhappy I was and the fact that dh's anger is an issue. Since then I have registered with relate (dh doesn't know).

I think the bottom line is that I don't love him and can't carry on pretending I'm okay. He is trying so hard and I am stone -walling him constantly. It's awful. I have this running commentary in my head all day repeating the words I want say to him over and over.

I have nowhere to go and neither will he. This is eating me up now; I dread the dc going to bed because it is just us . How the hell do you tell your partner of 10 years that you don't love them and wnat to blow their world apart. I feel sick at the thought of his reaction.

Stop feeling sick and somehow pluck up the courage to speak to him. If you don't communicate your feelings how will he know? Please remember that sometimes relationships don't work out. Everyone is agreed that if this is the case then it's best that the parents split, and rather it be done this way that by an affair, I think.

However, if you do speak to him he may open up to you as well. I could be the catalyst you both need to do something positive. Good luck.

Write him a note?

Would you be willing to give him a chance to change/give you what you need?

I thought I didn't love my DH anymore but now we are solid.

Thanks celtic. I am generally avoid any sort of confrontation - am basically spineless. But I can't take the pressure any more. I know there is no taking it back when it's done either.

I think you're just going to have to bite the bullet and do it, like ripping a plaster off quickly. He probably has an idea that it's coming, especially if you're stone walling him.

I expect the moment you've said it, it'll be a massive relief. Good luck.

Fab, I feel like I've already left in my head . He was away for a couple of days this week and I didn't miss him one bit; in fact it was as though a dark cloud had descended when he returned.

I did think of writing it down but surely he at least deserves a face to face talk. Just never seems the right time...

and what if he goes nuts?

So did I.

You can give him the note then say to let you know when he is ready to talk.

If he goes notes take yourself out for a bit.

You say he's trying 'so hard'? What is he actually doing? How has he adddressed his anger?

No, anger issues have never been addressed. Trying hard is just being a lot more patient with the dc, being considerate towards me more (going to get me chocolate from the shops etc), and trying to initiate doing stuff together. Which is why I feel so awful. I think he's in denial about what has been happening between us. We haven't had sex for about four months!! Not even a kiss, nothing.

Arghh! Keep talking myself in and out of saying something tonight.

Any chance you can get some counselling before telling him?

They might be able to help with the end, too.

Why?

Well I'm on the waiting list at relate expat.

My mum and sister are due to come and stay for a few days this week. I have it in the back of my mind that maybe I should just tell him and go to them for a few days instead. But then that would really feel like I'd just walked out and left wouldn't it?

Because she sounds like she could use some help, Fab. And a professional might be able to help her better how to break it to him, deal with the fallout, etc.

I didn't mean why to you, expat, but to zeds about why she was backing out of telling him.

zedsdead,
Your situation sounds very similar to what I've gone through. I've now left my H and am living alone with the children. It's the best thing I ever did and I feel empowered for having done it.

My XH too had a big anger management problem - and I mean huge!! He would fly off the handle at absolutely anything and telling him I was leaving him was the worst thing ever. In the end he broke down in tears - which is what all bullies do in the end according to my mum! He begged me to stay with him - nothing of the angry, hateful person I had come to expect from him. I almost backed down and gave him another chance but he had had plenty of chances and never changed. He made an 'effort' for a while, but it never lastet - I leopard never changes it's spots. Unless he's prepared to face his anger issues he's never going to change as far as I'm concerned. My XH was completely in denial about what was happening (or not in our case - no sex for over 2 years!!) and I honestly believe that he never thought I would actually leave him.

I'm like myself again now, and the number of people who have said to me how brave I am for leaving him is unreal. I was so scared about what people would think but was overwhelmed by people's responses and how positive and admirable they were. It takes a strong woman to leave a H and especially an angry one. I was never totally sure as to whether he would get violent with me - I couldn't convince myself that he wouldn't and I think that's what swung it in the end. If I didn't trust that he wouldn't get violent with me then why was I staying with him?

And the trying hard .... that's what my XH did - trying to be patient with the dc .... he shouldn't have to try ...! It took 18 months of relate for me to come to terms with my breakdown of relationship with XH.

Good luck - I hope you find the courage from somewhere - I did and feel sooooo much better for it.

imtheonlyone - thanks so much for your encouraging post.

Yet another uncomfortable night has gone by with me avoiding him like a disease. Ugh. I hate myself for this.

If he is making some attempt then it really may be that with counselling you could get things working again. Many couples go through a rough patch that seems like the end but manage to come out of it stronger.

I am thinking about writing a long letter, telling him about how I feel and that I think that we should seperate etc.

I would leave this for him to read and then drive to my parents (a couple of hours away) with the intention of staying for 2-3 nights. Would this be a bad idea? I would explain that I am not 'leaving or taking the dc away from him', simply giving us both space to digest all of it. It would really become real then though wouldn't it? Family would know...

Does this sound like a heartless way to do things?

I don't know. I thought about writing my XH a letter for a long time but in the end decided against it. I guess it depends on how you think he would take it. For me, I thought that the 10 years we had been together, he deserved to be told face to face. That said, at least in a letter you can say exactly what it is you want to say without being interrupted!
It's a tough call really.
Things may not happen the way you plan them too either. I had it all planned in my head - did just like you did and it beat me up inside for months on end before I blew and said something. Whatever way it comes out it's going to be hard. And whether he's expecting it or not, he's likely to be upset.
Have you not spoken to your family about it? It helped me a lot. Any idea how long till you get to relate? I had to wait for too long which was really hard but they helped me so much.
I don't know if any of what I'm saying is helping or making sense ... only you can decide what will work best for your H as you're the one who knows him best.
Take care x

Thank you imtheonlyone - the decision is made. I have written the letter. I am going to my parent's tomorrow when he is at work. I am so scared .

Wow, well done you. Good luck. Be strong. Take care! let us know how things go x

Good luck. My ex went mad when I left. But that was just the beginning. Be aware he may sink to very low levels to get you back. You'll need some support for this.

Hi Zed

I really feel i had to reply to you, i have no real advice but i am in exactly the same position!!!!!! although my h doesn?t or hasn?t had anger issues and generally is a nice person i just dont think i love him anymore but i have no idea how I am meant to tell him that?..how do you tell someone of 10/11 years you don?t love them and don?t want to be with them anymore and generally ruin their life, or at least that?s what It feels like ill be doing!!!!!

I was tempted to write him a letter, im just not sure he would read it and actually take it in, at least if I do it face to face he will see how serious I am

I will be very interested in how things work out for you, it?s a brave thing to be able to say something and not as easy as you would think

Am thinking of you

Claire xx

I was in the same boat as you, nearly 2 years ago Zed, only he had a drink problem, I gave him ample oppitunity to put things right but he never did.
I told him that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him and that he deserved to meet someone who would love him, I told him that I was setting him free....
He was devastated at first, but he soon found someone else!

my only advice would be to see a solicitor... find out what your entitled to.

good luck

[talking to self]

You can do this.

You don't love him

He deserves to know

He has the potential to be a bully

I only have one life

I am a strong woman