How do I say tell dh that I want us to split?

[zedsdead]

(I think). That's not a rhetorical question btw - I genuinely just can't imagine how/where/when I can find the words to come out with it. I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about how unhappy I was and the fact that dh's anger is an issue. Since then I have registered with relate (dh doesn't know).

I think the bottom line is that I don't love him and can't carry on pretending I'm okay. He is trying so hard and I am stone -walling him constantly. It's awful. I have this running commentary in my head all day repeating the words I want say to him over and over.

I have nowhere to go and neither will he. This is eating me up now; I dread the dc going to bed because it is just us . How the hell do you tell your partner of 10 years that you don't love them and wnat to blow their world apart. I feel sick at the thought of his reaction.

You are strong for tackling this, many women don't and spend years regretting the time wasted and extended pain.

Are you able to tell your parents the full story when you get there? I hope you get buckets of support from them and any friends you can talk to

Keep strong xx

you really are strong for tackling this.

Just wanted to say I am thinking about you, the advice and support I have had from afar has helped so hoping you feel the same.

xxx

Zeds - you know you can get telephone counselling at Relate just for yourself without a waiting list? So you could have a session while you're at your parents to help you deal with H's reaction and where you go from there.

I have just phoned them to arrange one for me and they had several appointments available for this thursday. I have one booked and am so pleased that I will be able to get professional, objective advice.

They have special funding at the moment too so where it is usually 45 or 55 for an hours phone counselling, it is 20 at the moment.

Good luck with your day

I have just ended things with my DP.

I know exactly what you mean. You have words going round and round your head but can't think how to let them out.

I went through several stages, first telling him I wasn't happy, with increasing frequency before finally plucking up the courage to end it.

It's hard.

well, it is done. He read it, then rang me in absolute pieces. He is completely devestated and begging me to consider giving us another chance, saying that he will do or try anything. I can feel myself weakening now. Words cannot describe how bad I am feeling about what I have done to him. He has been crying like a baby all evening by the sounds of it.

I can't bear the thought of him rattling around our house alone, believing his life is over.

Oh god what do I do now? I naively didn't expect it to be this hard. We have just been talking on the phone for the last couple of hours. Is it normal to have doubts? He says he would try relate, maybe even a temporary separation. Surely though this would be terribly confusing for the poor dc?

Fuck.

Meant to say - thank you so much for all the supportive posts here, they are helping me immensely.

BE STRONG!

Don't lose sight of why you're doing this

my story is so similar to yours and to imtheonlyone's - i left my partner 3 months ago. i moved my stuff and the kids stuff out during the day while he was at work and left a (quite long) letter explaining what i'd done and why.

He was devastated and promised to change, etc, and there have been so many times i have been overwhelmed by the guilt and by feeling sorry for him.

i am lucky that i had a good friend who always reminded me why i had moved out and she reminds me that it took me years to get this far; it would be stupid to throw all that effort away and go back with him, only for it to be exactly the same as before, for me to be miserable and to have to start again on this road...

good luck, thinking of you loads xx

Oh dear, if you are resolute in your reasons for breaking then stay strong. It's awful the feeling that you are hurting another human being, but if you are not going back you need to be strong and resolute, totally logical in your dealings with him.

You matter, your feelings for him have obviously gone. It may hurt him badly, but you do not love him. You are doing him a favour in the long term. Let him go no matter how hard it is.I think in the long term he will respect you for it, I know I would.

Can you link the other thread?

It is normal to have doubts - after all you don't hate him, do you? You don't want him to suffer, do you? It's not your fault you don't love him any more - it's not really his (unless he has been violent and horrible etc. etc.) - it's just one of those things.

Presumably you still care enough about him to stay friendly, at least for the DC.

Just one thing - make sure you get the counselling and make sure you are sure you don't love him - because possibly the most hurtful thing you could do is to give him false hope that it could be mended. If you believe there is a chance, that all is not lost - go to counselling to help you find out. If you're SURE it's all over, then make sure he know it is too.

And take heed of what Fab says, just in case.

Zed,
Of course it is normal to have doubts! I nearly took my XH back when he sat at my feet in tears begging me not to leave him! The next day he was cold as anything towards me and has been ever since!! That's not to say that's what your H will do though!

I went through this again and again in my head - if you know in your heart that you no longer love him and it's not going to work then leave him. It's going to be hard, it's going to be shit and you are going to feel awful. That's all normal! But the alternative is even worse!

At the end of the day I knew I tried everything possible to save my marriage and make it work and it wasn't going to happen. I just didn't love him. If you feel that way you are doing the right thing. For me I had to be able to put my head on the pillow and know I'd done everything possible.

Hope it works out for you x

Thanks everyone for your support. He has written desperate emails and rang again this morning. He has offered to get anger management and has rung relate himself and wants us to go. He is literally begging me to say I'll try again.

Ugh. He really did not see this coming, not in a million years. Here I am having gone though this process internally, accepting the prospect of single parenthood etc, but he is nowhere near that place. He genuinely had no idea I was feeling like this. For this I feel so guilty, but I have not been able to find the words to tell him how I was feeling. He knew there were relationship problems obviously, but not to this extent.

HOw can I say I'll try again when there is no love, no desire, nothing? I can see all of the logical reasons why it is only fair to give it a go, but my heart tells me I will never feel in love with him again.

Do I agree to at least do the relate thing? I'm so confused.

p.s can't find the other thread.

maybe fab will come on here and tell you how she managed to get the love back.

is it worth one more try? maybe there is hope in the fact that he really had no idea that things were as bad as they are for you, so really didn't see the incentive to change.

I don't know, only you know if you can see a glimmer of hope. Without even that glimmer surely there is no point extending the agony for either of you. But if there is a tiny glimmer of hope, excitement or desire to be close again, then that must be worth pursuing

Give Relate a go. They don't try and force people back together, they allow you space to talk out your feelings, either separately or together. The Relate people don't always recommend staying together, honestly - I have a friend who went with this stb ex-partner and they told them they were better off apart. Whatever the outcome, it gives you a safe place to tell your DH what happened - gives you both a chance for either 'closure' (God I hate that word) or an opening for a new start, whichever seems more appropriate.

You might find that there is still something there, you might not - at the moment you are still under the cloud of his behaviour and it has smothered any love you had.

BUT - if he addresses his behaviour, if he does manage to make changes and goes back to being the person you used to love, it might change your feelings - they might get unsmothered (again, ask Fab) - or they might not.

You obviously haven't been open about your problems in the relationship, which is why this has come from so far left field for your DH - I think it would be more fair to give him a chance to see how things go with anger management and Relate - but make it clear that you are making NO promises.

Hi. I've just arrived back home and dh is at his brother's. I will be calling him to come over to the dc in a while, and so that we can talk.

I have decided to agree to go to relate together but that I am not making any promises that I will change my mind.

Where do we go from here though? I can't very well ask him to leave just yet can I? Don't know how it 'works' now though. How do we remain under the same roof with all this going on?