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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP and facebook. What would you think?

41 replies

DalbySun · 05/06/2010 09:08

Its quite long Im afraid. Basically, a few weeks ago I noticed DP had added a woman to his facebook page. I thought no more of it and just assumed it was someone from work. Then one day he's looking at his emails in hotmail and I glance across and notice a couple of "you have a new message of ***" from facebook. Still I don't think much of it but when he mentions this woman and I ask casually if they've messaged each other, he says no. I don't care about them messaging, but why would he lie about it?

Its a woman he knew from highschool that he's not seen for years. Fair enough. But why lie?

So anyway I let it go. But then a few nights ago he was looking at his emails again and there was a "you have a new message from " and he just turned off his hotmail account quickly without even looking at it. Surely this is not normal behaviour?
Then last night I asked him to go on facebook to see if someone we know is online. He did and up at the top the "New message" thing is highlighted. He scrolls down quickly to make it disapear. I said "you're very secretive with your facebook messages, arnt you?" he laughs nervously and says "Not really". Yet still he doesn't look at the new message. I say "why are you scared to look at that message then? is it because I'm here and you don't want me to see it?" and he says "No, I'll look at it in a minute" in a shaky, nervous voice. Still he keeps messing around on the status thing, stalling, trying to change the subject and then the mouse starts heading towards the "X" in the corner, he was pretending to have forgotten. So I said "are you going to look at that message before you turn it off?" he sounds panicked and says "in a minute!" eventually he reluctantly clicks on the message and I see they have messaged each other in depth messages for a week or so.

I don't mind them messaging but why did he lie? why did he want to keep it from me? I'm NOT normally a jealous person, its the way he acts that makes me suspicious. But anyway I notice that she asks him if hes married. He says no, he's divorced. Which he is, from his ex but at this point wouldn't you mention your current parnter??? but no, he just said he was divorced which imo implies he's single. She goes on to ask him about his current life, no mention of me at all.

Now the one that really got me was I notice a message saying "come back!!" and then "I'm sorry" both from her. The next one from his says "aww don't be silly! sorry about that, my internet connection went down". What really happened at this point is that I walked in the room and he shut down the laptop quickly. Why would you act like that if its all innocent??

OP posts:
DalbySun · 05/06/2010 09:10

I don't think anything IS going on, I do think however he had intentions there. Or am I overreacting?>

OP posts:
Flighttattendant · 05/06/2010 09:12

it sounds like your hunch is correct. I'm not sure what to suggest though.

madamim · 05/06/2010 09:16

the intentions are there, I'd sit tight and see what mess he gets himself into.I'd try to get his password for fb so you can look at these messages x

ChocHobNob · 05/06/2010 09:16

No, you're not overreacting.

If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be being so secretive. Can you access the messages to read them all properly?

The fact he has made no attempt to tell her about his current partner and he is being incredibly secretive indicates there is something going on ... not necessarily an affair, but something that he doesn't want you to see. Probably over familiarity on both their parts. Does he have no mention of you on his Facebook page that would indicate he is involved?

I would read the messages so I know exactly what has been said and then confront him about it, that way you know if he is lying or trying to tone down what is going on.

Facebook sucks sometimes, it really does.

DalbySun · 05/06/2010 09:16

He tried to maintain that he was doing nothing wrong speaking to someone from the past and I couldn't get through to him that whilst he IS entitled to speak to whomever he pleases, it is the way he ACTS that make me wonder what his intentions where. Why did he lie about the mesages? why did he lie to HER and say his internet connection went down just because I walked in the room? Why didn't he mention me at all? Why couldn't he message her in front of me? It just doesn't add up and he admits it "looks dodgy" but assures me he had no bad intentions, he was just "concerned" about how I'd react which I think is crap because he knows I'm not a jealous person.

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knasher29 · 05/06/2010 09:17

o - oh! I've had this facebook paranoia.. awful business. Whwn this has happened to me, I have just been honest and told him my worries. If you don't, you'll drive yourself nuts!

ChocHobNob · 05/06/2010 09:18

I'd tell him to stop being so secretive if he has nothing to hide. If he continues to hide stuff and lie, then you will assume something IS going on.

EcoMouse · 05/06/2010 09:19

You wouldnt't! (Act like this if its all innocent). Something obviously triggered your instincts to feel uncomfortable and check his hotmail/fb (unless you make a habit of it) and in scenarios like this, instincts are usually right.

His failure to make clear he is involved would concern me too. How does he know this woman?

Have you actually spoken with him about it all? TBH, his secretive behaviour would have my senses zinging, above all. If you are not generally jealous, if you've given him no reason in the past to feel the need to hide communication with other women, then he is hiding it for reasons known only to himself.

DalbySun · 05/06/2010 09:19

He did let me read the messages, there was nothing you could call "sinister" in them at all, its hard to explain. In one past he's saying "did we used to go and see the stingrays together?" and "it upset me when I heard you were ill" and then about the divorce "I'm glad I'm divorced, I couldn't stand her" but at this point wouldn't you add "but I'm with someone else now anyway"?? I would.

No mention of me on his facebook profile. He knows I know all about it. I kind of wish I hadn't confronted him because I'm curious to know how far he would have gone.

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EcoMouse · 05/06/2010 09:20

You wouldnt't! (Act like this if its all innocent). Something obviously triggered your instincts to feel uncomfortable and check his hotmail/fb (unless you make a habit of it) and in scenarios like this, instincts are usually right.

His failure to make clear he is involved would concern me too. How does he know this woman?

Have you actually spoken with him about it all? TBH, his secretive behaviour would have my senses zinging, above all. If you are not generally jealous, if you've given him no reason in the past to feel the need to hide communication with other women, then he is hiding it for reasons known only to himself.

EcoMouse · 05/06/2010 09:23

Sorry, xposted many. Connection's playing up!

RunawayWife · 05/06/2010 09:26

Add her to your face book, then message her.

DalbySun · 05/06/2010 09:28

I couldn't really, she's just getting over chemo, I'd feel too guilty. TBH its not her, its him. She mentions her partner in the messages and from what I can see, her side of it is totally innocent.

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leplan · 05/06/2010 09:37

I would post things on his wall in a cheery 'I'm your partner' kind of way, to make it absolutely sure she knows that you exist. A few links to amusing youtube couple things.

Chances are she will then think he's a deluded twat and bugger off.

this is a great one.

I realise this doesn't help you much with your DPs behaviour but may make him see how silly he's being.

BelleDameSansMerci · 05/06/2010 09:38

I wonder about this kind of thing... I don't think it's necessarily sinister at all but the problem with Facebook and, previously, with Friends Reunited is that it can stir up all sorts of memories from the past. I think it's sometimes nice to wallow in those for a bit and remember, perhaps, a more innocent/less pressured (work, etc) time of life. I think sometimes that leads people (and I've done it myself) to be less than completely open. There's also the ease of talking with someone you used to know that's a bit like that thing where you talk openly to strangers because there's no come back. This can be similar.

I'm probably not expressing this very well but I think this kind of thing, while not exactly innocent (and certainly hurtful when you're on the other side) is not always a sign of a man looking to stray.

EcoMouse · 05/06/2010 10:06

I do agree with Belle about FB.

It is a strange arena. Relative strangers are under the illusion they 'know' each other when actually, it's generally quite removed from reality.

There's a grey area where cyberlives and reality meet where the boundaries of appropriate or acceptable behaviour seem to become blurred.

I suppose it's for each of us to define our personal boundaries wrt this grey area and to ask that our partners respect this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2010 10:47

Would agree with Ecomouse's last posting re boundaries.

Sounds like he could be getting into an emotional affair with her so you need to be very careful now. They are not now "just friends" and people from way back can be very tempting as there is shared history. I don't think you're overreacting either, you have a right to be concerned.

What is your relationship like generally speaking?. Full and frank communication with each other is the only way forward.

Speckledeggy · 05/06/2010 10:50

Hmm...

Did he carry a torch for her at school? Sounds to me like he is hedging his bets tbh.

I can always remember someone at work telling me they had bumped into my ex-partner on a night out and he had said I was a 'friend' of his. I was really upset. He got the boot shortly after that!

CheekyPinkSox · 05/06/2010 11:23

I have had this.

You need to tell him how its making you feel. Ask him why he didn't mention you!

Facebook is the route of all problems in my opinion. Its to blame for a lot of marriage breakdowns and what not.

Speak to him, tell him how its made you feel and that you are upset he hasn't mentioned you at all?

Also why not do a status update with his name tagged in it - something like:

xx & xx are going to have a lovely romantic meal together ---- that sort of thing, so then she knows hes in a relationship because it would show on her updates.

DalbySun · 05/06/2010 11:39

When I asked why he didn't mention me he said "he didn't think". When I asked why he lied about messaging her, he said "I didn't think it was a big deal" - which no, the messaging isn't, LYING about it is!!

To be honest I'm not overly concerned with her knowing or not knowing about me because I honestly believe her intentions are innocent. What matters to me is that HE didn't tell her. Whether I let her know or not doesn't really change the fact that HE didn't. Its hard to explain. I'm more concerned with his intentions rather than than what may or may not be currently going on iyswim?

Another thing is that in his history I noticed he'd been looking for terrorvision tickets, joined the newsletter, searched for upcoming shows - he tells me he was hoping to take me out - but I don't believe him because a) I don't like terrorvision!! b) why would he not mention it? c) why terrorvision all of a sudden?

And then out of the blue he tells me he might go out with a couple of lads from work one saturday night. This is ODD because they have been asking him for months, he always says no and says he'd hate to go out with them, why would he suddenly change his mind?

My theory is he has been planning on going to see terrorvision, hopefully (for him) with this girl from facebook and he's come up with a pre-made excuse about why he'd be out that saturday night (which honestly, is so unusual for him, he's NEVER been on a night out since we've been together).

I also noticed in one of his messages he said "We will have to get together with the others (their group from school) and catch up. I will make it happen."

Could this be the saturday night he was on about?

Maybe I am being overly paranoid, coming up with conspiracy theorys and making up entire scenarios in my head but when he lies so much, how can I react any differently? In the years we've been together, I have sadly learnt never trust a word he says

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mophead5 · 05/06/2010 11:46

Like others here, I have had this problem with facebook too it can really mess up your marriage.
You are not being paranoid, he is behaving badly and he knows it, thats why he is acting shifty.
Do not let him fob you off with platitudes.
Best advice so far is to write on his wall telling everyone that he is going to take you to this terrorvision thing on such and such a date.
This makes it clear to her that you exist.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2010 11:46

It seems that he is certainly acting out of character and this may be because of FB woman coming back into his life. This could well be an emotional affair they are BOTH entering into. Its not just him who is at fault here, they seem to be encouraging each other.

Does he have a mobile phone, if so is it almost glued to him at all times?. Is he taking far more care over his appearance than normal?. How has he acted towards you, is he emotionally more distant and even more critical?.

How long have you been together?.

DalbySun · 05/06/2010 11:52

Well he has suddenly decided to grow a goatie to "look younger". I never put two and two together tbh but now you mention it, he does seem to be taking more pride in his appearance.

The phone was glued to him at one point but then he started making a point of leaving it lying around, reverse psychology I think because when I did snoop at it, he had deleted messages.

He has started to critisise me more too. Keeps pointing out my grey hairs etc which he never used to do.

I don't know what to think, the whole thing is giving me a headache. I hate playing up to this "jealous woman" role but he lies to me so often and so easily, he's draining me. I'm actually getting to the point where I'm thinking I should emotionally detach myself from HIM, then it doesn't matter if he lies.

We've been together around 3 years.

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Nancy66 · 05/06/2010 12:00

Are you ever going to feel comfortable and relaxed with this man? Be able to trust him?

it doesn't sound like it.

and, yes, it very much sounds as if he is gearing up to starting something with this other woman. So why stick around until he does?

maristella · 05/06/2010 12:17

could you not write something quite innocent on his wall that makes it quite clear to all in his virtual world that the 2 of you are most definitely an item?
i agree with all who are saying his behaviour here is not on; his failure to talk about you, and his secrecy stink. this contact with this woman seems completely inappropriate.

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