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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, do you keep your gob shut or drop a few hints?

39 replies

LadyBlaBlah · 04/06/2010 22:45

There are 2 couples I know at the moment where the man is being unfaithful (and hideously unfaithful). I would say I am friends but not bestest friends with the women, and in one case I found out by total coincidence /accident , and the other one I found out because DH is good friends with the 'h'

I was with one of them tonight at the cricket club and felt quite ill about it. Feel like I should say something because she is so lovely (and naive). I did say to him (this is the one I found out about by total coincidence) that I had met someone who knew him and he went totally white...........

But - it's only trouble for me right ? I should keep out, yes?

Part of me says that, but also because they are not close friends, it might make it easier to tell them whats going on???

OP posts:
1footinfront · 04/06/2010 22:51

I would tell them on the basis that I sure as hell would want to know if my "D"H was acting like scum.

Original poster
LadyBlaBlah · 04/06/2010 22:56

Would you really be able to tell - really?

i feel so bad that I didn't even spell it out to one of the bastards tonight - not sure who or what I am protecting???

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 04/06/2010 22:59

I would say keep it to yourself, but don't lie if ever asked. There is a tendency to shoot the messenger.

Shaz10 · 04/06/2010 23:00

If it was me I'd want you to tell me. I might be a bit rotten to you at the time, but it's the sort of thing I'd want to know.

Shaz10 · 04/06/2010 23:00

Having said that, I would probably chicken out and not say anything.

Original poster
LadyBlaBlah · 04/06/2010 23:03

I chickened out tonight

Can't explain why

Every part of me wanted her to know...........but I didn't do it

Felt like I would destroy her life

When I know it's him who actually would

OP posts:
Tanga · 04/06/2010 23:05

I wish someone had told me. Not sure I would have believed it - in fact fairly sure someone did try to tell me and I laughed it off - but yeah, think you should tell. Just basic facts; who, when, where. And yes, you being an impartial outsider would make it more effective.

drinkyourmilk · 04/06/2010 23:06

You know there are two kinds of dishonesty - telling lies, and omissions of truth.

People talk about feeling like everyone knew before they did - and they were laughing behind their back. Obviously you are not laughing - but if you know, how many others do too?

I know it's rotten - but would say something (god knows what!).

I would want to know.

Original poster
LadyBlaBlah · 04/06/2010 23:12

Its so weird

I want her to know too (thinking of both but particularly the one I was with tonight)

I just didn't feel like I could do it. They only got married this month, and he had been sending messages to the other woman up until a few days before they got married about how he hopes getting married won't put the OW off, and other foul things.........i.e. when can we meet before wedding etc etc

Its all such a coincidence that I know about it

I would want to know too...............but I just feel I know by accident and don't want to be shot as the messenger.

OP posts:
drinkyourmilk · 04/06/2010 23:20

I really do feel for you - it's an awful situation to be in. FWIW I think telling her on a night out is wrong - so you made a good descision tonight.

This guy in particular sounds horrible, you seem to like his wife and don't want her hurt. She does need to know - but at a quiet time.

Once you've said it you'll feel so much better, and I know it's awful to say, but i don't think it matters how you say it - it's going to be awkward and horrid.

One quick point though - how would your dh feel about you saying something? It'll get back to his friend this came from him. Does your dh think it's bad too?

secunda · 05/06/2010 00:18

Do you really want the hassle?

Maybe she already knows but doesn't want to know IYSWIM. Personally, I wouldn't stick my beak in to other people's private lives, you don't really know what you're doing. I suspect people who do stick their beak in are only doing it in order to stand back and witness the drama not because they want to 'do the right thing'.

jasper · 05/06/2010 00:23

It is none of your business.
Please keep out of it

frazzled74 · 05/06/2010 00:33

wouldnt say anything unless it was my very best friend, then i would tackle her dh first.

frazzled74 · 05/06/2010 00:33

wouldnt say anything unless it was my very best friend, then i would tackle her dh first.

KerryMumbles · 05/06/2010 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsGraceAgain · 05/06/2010 00:42

This is always so difficult. Yes, I would want to know. I realised, later, that people had been trying to tell me, but I didn't get what they were hinting at. Well, you wouldn't, would you, unless you were looking out for it? Realising I was the last to know was awful.

I did tell a close friend, just before she got married. She was none too happy, obv, but she shot the fiance not me - which was the proper outcome.

I think I would tell her. I guess you'd have to sort of lead up to it, maybe by getting into a long conversation about mutual friends or something. But, yes, I'd do it.

ItsGraceAgain · 05/06/2010 00:47

Thinking about this a bit more - you know what? Men tell each other. If a bloke knew another man's wife was cheating on him, he wouldn't agonise over whether it's all right to tell him. He'd consider it his duty.

MsHighwater · 05/06/2010 00:57

My dh was once where your friend is so I asked him for his thoughts about it. He found out from his 1st wife when she sat him down to tell him something important but he later found out that friends had suspected but did not know for sure what was going on.

He said that you should, of course, say nothing unless you are 110% sure but, even then, he said that it would have mattered to him how close a friend was telling him. He suggested that, unless you are a close friend of this woman, you should not be the one to tell her this. But he also says that he would rather have heard it from a close friend than the way he did. It was crushing news that, even now, over 20 years later and happily remarried to me, is distressing for him to recall.

EcoMouse · 05/06/2010 10:22

I wish someone had told me. So, so much.

When a 'friend' started messing around behind her partners back, I told her I wouldn't lie if he queried it with me and that I wouldn't need to tell him because she would have to (i.e. I would if she didn't but I thought it better coming from her).

She told him, he got in touch and thanked me for pushing her to. They're still together but I lost her as a friend and that's fine with me! She still messes around behind his back but at least now he is aware - and I don't have to bear witness to it.

Floopy21 · 05/06/2010 10:33

I'd want to know - whether it be from the postman or from my mother, I'd just want to know.

harpsichordcarrier · 05/06/2010 10:36

oh god say NOTHING
the woman may well know, and be in denial
she may have something going on on the side too
she may have no idea and this will tip her over the edge into deep distress, which you will be in no position to help with
you just don't KNOW and you are playing with
fire

ihavenewsockson · 05/06/2010 10:38

Anonymous letter perhaps?

ihavenewsockson · 05/06/2010 10:39

Sorry- I see Kerrymumbles has already suggested that.

tattycoram · 05/06/2010 10:50

I really think the anonymous letter is the worst of all options, a real head fuck for hte recipient and very easy for her dh to deny all anyway.

ImSoNotTelling · 05/06/2010 10:58

I don't think yu should say anything.

My immediate thought is to tell and that I would want to know. But I just realised that I know some things about some of my friends and I sure as hell won't be telling anyone.

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