So, do you keep your gob shut or drop a few hints?

[LadyBlaBlah]

There are 2 couples I know at the moment where the man is being unfaithful (and hideously unfaithful). I would say I am friends but not bestest friends with the women, and in one case I found out by total coincidence /accident , and the other one I found out because DH is good friends with the 'h'

I was with one of them tonight at the cricket club and felt quite ill about it. Feel like I should say something because she is so lovely (and naive). I did say to him (this is the one I found out about by total coincidence) that I had met someone who knew him and he went totally white...........

But - it's only trouble for me right ? I should keep out, yes?

Part of me says that, but also because they are not close friends, it might make it easier to tell them whats going on???

I would want to know. I have no idea how you could tell her/them, but morally you should.

How did you find out? Can you 'replicate' the circumstances under which you found out, for her?

but what if you send an anonymous letter and she is very very distressed by it?? what possible good have you done there? none, imo, only serious harm
and this isn't even a close friend, so you can't know what's going on

Do you know any of her other friends? Someone who knows her better that you could tell your suspicions too

If they are not close friends why do you even care that much, or are you setting yourself up on some kind of moral crusade? If I went around telling everyone I knew titbits of gossip that I had heard about x,y and z before long I would have no friends at all and half the relationships would split up. Don't even go there. For all you know they are both having it off with the entire local rugby club, alternating it with swinging sessions at the vicarage and trips to a tranny club at weekends.

Much more fun than the cricket club!!

I really feel for you because I've been in this situation too. But in my case it was more that I guessed my friend's husband was having an affair, I didn't have any proof. In the end it turned out that my friend had 'known' for ages what he was up to. She's now stuck though in a dreadful limbo because he denies it completely and she is left wanting to believe him and not wanting to split the family up, whilst being treated terribly by him. I wish I did have some real evidence of his infidelity because maybe that would give her the strength she needs to make him face up to his behaviour and to move on with her life to a happier place.

I must say that I am utterly sick of all the various people I know/of who are unfaithful to their partners. Especially when there are children involved. What is wrong with these people? I think what is so galling is the heartbreak they cause without seeming to show any remorse for the damage they do. It makes my blood boil!!

Poodie, I think: [a] it's not gossip, she found out 1st hand by accident; [b] if DW already knows, there's no harm done is there?

I'm NOT saying I know the correct answer, only that I would have preferred to be told. IMO, keeping a secret of this kind makes you part of the deceit. Even if you don't see it that way, it seems a bit daft to invent reasons why she might not want to be told?

anonymous letter is definitely the worst option, as someone else said it will be a complete headfuck and is just selfish as it only protects you but releases all the shit.

I still say do nothing. Honestly? I wouldn't want to know, and I DEFINITELY wouldn't want to be told by someone who wasn't my very very best friend. So there are women who don't want to be told, she might be one of them. And are you REALLY REALLY sure? Because a few weeks ago I was utterly and completely convinced of a certain situation and I turned out to be way off the mark

HE put you in this position, tell him you have no intention of carrying the burden of knowledge and he needs to tell you how he's going to tell her-after all if you know it's only a matter of time before the rest of the world does and she is completely humiliated.

He also needs to give you a starightforward way of xhecking what you've agreed.

If he doesn't do this, then Id walk away-you tried and you gave the burden back.

I was in a similar position some years ago. I decided to tell my friend who called me a liar and said I was trying to spoil her happiness, amongst other insults. I was mortified as we were really good friends. Even though she did find out subsequently that her DP was a total lying shit as she caught him red handed, our friendship never really recovered. I vowed never to do it again

"And are you REALLY REALLY sure? Because a few weeks ago I was utterly and completely convinced of a certain situation and I turned out to be way off the mark "
yes, that is something to be wary of too. I have been told by several people that they "knew" I was sleeping with my (now) dh at college, except, er, we weren't - we were just close friends. Thank goodness noone took it upon themselves to tell my boyfriend at the time because he "needed to know" - it would have caused a huge amount of hurt.

You are no ones moral guardian.
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here (on Ask Men)

Well, the men seem equally divided, for the same reasons. So I was wrong.
I thought this was the best advice of all:

"I would want to know and would be disappointed if my friend didnt tell me but I understand the danger of assuming
so if I was to tell I would just say what I saw and let him come to his own conclusion."