I think my relationship with My Mum is beyond repair. I made the mistake of chellenging an emotional vampire, and now she is hurt..........

[DrNortherner]

In a nut shell My Mum is an emotional vampire. Always negative, alwyas the victim, people always hurt her. She has no close friends to speak of and has had many volatile feuds with her sisters and Mum.

I am an only child and for as long as I can remember her being negative, emotional and upset over things others would find trivial. She cries in public, and constantly uses phrases such as 'I had a break down in the supermarket today' and 'they have kicked me in the teeth again' I feel hugely responsible for her emotional welfare. She used guilt to ensure I ring her every day, she would show her displeasure if I was going out and hadn't told her as she perceives it as me not having time for her.

My Dad was wonderful. My lovely, safe, stable caring Dad, who was always there for me. He died in April 2009 and my world changed forever. Mopping up my Mother is tough, as Dad is no longer there for me. Since he died, Mum and I have clashed on many occassions, more so than ever before. I have flipped and told her ow she makes me feel because on Sunday eve she rang me as I was on my way out, I said I would call her the next day. I called her on Monday and she was hostile and arsey giving me one word answers and told me 'you are never bloody in to talk to me'. I lost it, and I'm afraid gave it to her full barrell about hw she makes me feel. I then wrote a letter explaining how difficult I am finding her behaviour.

I rang her tonight and got text book response from her 'how can you say that', 'you have hurt me' and 'that's unfair' She says things and then denises saying them, and conveniently forgets situations when I remind her.

She just told me tonight that I would have never dared speak to her like this if my Dad was alive. The reason I didn't was to protect him. His life was tough enough with her as it was, if I spoke out she would have been in pieces and he would be the one dealing with that, so I kept my mouth shut.

She thinks I am telling her she is a bad mother and that she has emotionally scarred me for life (her words not mine).

I can see no way out of this, but for me to button it and put up with her whining, negative personality.

Any advice greatly appreciated. I am at my wits end.

Thanks

Your mum sounds very similar to mine. My dad is a star and the thought of him dieing first fills me with horror.

Your mum can't/won't change but you can change how you react to her.

My Dad did everything too, Dr N. He even used to dry her when she got out of the shower. She just used to shout for him and he used to go and do it!

She never lifts a finger when she comes here - won't even put the kettle on, just says "You could die of thirst round here."

She has fallen out with nearly all of her friends since my Dad died, except two. One of these two has said to me "I know what she's like, but I feel I have to keep seeing her as otherwise she'd have no friends at all."

She never rings me either - I have to ring her, and if two weeks goes past without me ringing, she's all huffy on the phone. She hasn't spoken to two of her brothers for two years - since she told one of them that "I expect the next time I'll see you, you'll be in your box" (this was at a funeral). She also told her sister she would find out soon enough what it was like to be a widow.

No, my mum barely lifts a finger when she comes to my house. After eating dinner she gets up from the table and walks into teh living room to put the soaps on TV. Dh gets so frustrated because at our house she is happy as long as we are cooking, taking her tea and she can watch the soaps, then we take her home and she is sobbing down the phone about how lonely she is.

My Mum asked me to wrap the christmas presents before christmas and I refused, I am already doing so much for her that my dad used to do, but I drew the line at wrapping her presents and cutting her toe nails. I know if I wrapped them once, it would be my job forever. I have a family and a job and my own presents to wrap. She is quite capable of wrapping gifts, but she decided not to as a punishment to me.

Every time she spends time with us she gives me hard time if MIL is around as apparntly I am ashmed of my Mum and give MIL more atention She will talk o my friends about how down and depressed she is and as soon as the conversation changes to different topic she will glaze over and leave the room.

I could go on an on......

Anyway, yesterday she actually rang me We weren't in so she left a message saying 'It's Mam, just ringing to see how you all are' Nice message? Yes, but it was interspersd with her voice breaking up and big huge sobs just to remind me of how bad she is feeling.

I will call her tonight so wish me well.

Blimey DrN, she's not being fair to you. No 'child' wants to hear their parent sobbing down the phone. Hope the call went well.

What would she do if you called back and said "we're all fine, why did you sound so upset on the phone?"
sound genuinely baffled

She said 'Why do you think IO'm upset Dr N' It's ruined the last few days, she hasn't been able to think about anything, and she hasn't been sleeping because she's been worrying about me. I'm all she's got, she doesn't want to lose me and she would never hurt me intentionally....lots of crying.

I managed to calm her down, and assured her she would never lose me. I think we reached an understanding.

Thanks all for your fantastic input, i really appreciate it, and who knows - I'm sure I'll be back soon posting about her again!

I actually read your OP thinking my mum was much the same (but to a lesser extent) and with the difference that insteasd of everything being about her, it's about me, and now my DCs.
So for example, she went through a phase of calling & whebn i answered asking "Are you all OK?" in a panicked voice. No hello, just that. She has a thing about me driving, despite the fact i've been doing it no less competently than the average adult for 13 years. She fretted about me driving on the M1 motorway ("you shouldn't go") in a bit of snow when she was travelliung cross country on a road notorious for its accidents.
Reading more, i do not think this is my mumm - mine is an overanxious mum of one with some risk assessment problems and a slightly controlling nature (we end every phone call with an assessment of when we'll talk next). So i have found challenging her helpful as it gets her to spell out exactly why she thinks the world will end if i drive somewhere.
In your case, of course, your mum just sees it as another opportuniyt to sound off and air her grievances.
Sorry, for the epic, have just been mulling it over, also thoinking about bits that might apply to me & what i can do about that by myself
i thgink the advice from others about treating it in a similar way to attention seeking from toddlers is good.

A, basing this purely on your OP DrNorthere but reading through the details of what your Mum is like makes me wonder why you do want to keep up a relationship with her.

You know you have nothing to feel guilty for, don't you?

That's purely an 'outsider looking in' perspective however and I understand the dynamic that people like your mum create, that cutting off contact is not something which is necessarily easy to do.

Sorry,I mean DrNortherner!

She sounds incredibly draining.

Just read the bit about your friends. I bet they are rolling their eyes and thinking here we go again, poor DrN having to put up with that miserable woman.

I'm itching to give her a piece of my mind reading your posts and she's not even my mum - so I can well imagine how frustrating it all is for you.

Dr N, I really feel for you. I'm an only child too - and the thought of losing my dad before I lose my mum fills me with dread. I'm so sorry you lost your lovely dad.

My mother has caused so much emotional pain, and used so much emotional blackmail towards me over the years, that I could write a book. It would be classified "horror"! I identify with so much of your op, and yours and others subsequent posts. After many years blaming myself, I finally realise that my mother has npd - she ticks all the boxes and more besides. There's an excellent website called "Daughters of Naricisstic Mothers" - very supportive.

The hardest thing is to accept that she is what she is - it isn't you, it is her, and she is toxic. It took me ages to confront and accept this. I now do low contact with my mother - she too insists on a call every night, during which she moans about her lot (she has such a charmed life, but to hear her, you'd never believe it). I limit myself to a 15 minute chat, then firmly tell her I have to get on withdinner/kids/whatever. She moans about this - but tough - it's on my terms, it's what I can stand. I visit rarely and will only go around with hubby and when I know my dad is there - she behaves herself much better when either my hubby or dad is around. I have her round my house only occasionally, and never alone. This is how I cope. I see her on my terms. I tell her nothing of importance - she has no idea of a major health problem I am dealing with at the moment - because I know that telling her will not help at all. When I was seriously ill years ago, she said "I can't deal with this...you're so needy, you're going to be the death of me". Since then, she's only told of anything on a need to know basis.

The hardest part for me is having a mum, but not having a mum, if you know what I mean - I desperately need a mum to talk to right now, but I've finally realised that the woman who is my mother, is not somebody who has ever been there for me.

Good luck.

Saffy - my mum also behaves far better when my dad is there. It is so odd. I actually don't think he knows her real personality.

I also tell her nothing of real importance about myself as it is always used, at a later date, against me.

She is also the laziest person on the planet. It is breathtaking in its arrogance. I could well imagine her asking me to cut her toenails . My dad does everything for her.

I don't have a mum in its truest sense. I was sad and happy to discover "Daughters of Naricisstic Mothers". To discover it wasn't me but her made me happy but I have mourned the fact I have never been mothered.

The CrackFox: I totally empathise with you. I really feel that when we fully understand that our mothers are not like other mothers, we grieve for the mother that we've never had, and yes, I too have mourned. I know how you feel. I found the website you mentioned very supportive, in that it made me realise I wasn't alone, and that it wasn't me (after many years of being told it was!)but also very upsetting, because it confirmed how very different my younger life should have been.

I feel for you guys who have similar Mothers, but wonderful dads. I too dreaded my Dad dying first. I knew it wuold be a nightmare, and it has been, really it has.

I would not be able to live with myself if I cut off contact with her. I am her only child and my ds her only grand child, I could not live with the guilt if I never saw her again. I have been conditioned to feel like this I guess. But I agree, she is not a Mum to me in the true sense of the word, and never has been. Dh says that when my dad died I lost both parents really.

DrN: I don't think you should cut off contact - I couldn't do this either, but what I did was looked at how much I was prepared to give, and took control and now it is much more on my terms.

I know my mum would love to see more of me and the grandchildren - but I speak with her on the phone daily (for around 15 minutes) and see her two or three times a month - only with hubby or my dad present. I can cope with this. I think that your mum guilt trips you into having contact with her which is more than you can deal with. Learning to stick to your healthy limits of contact is really hard, because you know that she will cry and become emotional; I continued having a lot of contact with my mum years ago, after she said the most unforgiveable things about me, because I knew that if I stopped talking to her, she would make dads life a misery, and I can't bear to see him hurt. So I compromise - low contact, and no more. It is hard, but it works - you really do have to put yourself first, and accept that she is the one with the problem, but it's her problem, and you can't be emotionally worn out by her irrationality anymore. The day I realised that whatever I did, it would never be enough, is the day that I started to heal. Good luck.

My Gran told me that my mother has always been a complete and utter pain in the arse - always thought she was better than anyone else.

My Mum has always had a strained relationship wih her Mum, who is now 84 and still alive and kicking. My Gran had 6 daughters, all very different, all fighting for attention. They all love a drama. Her Dad (my grandad) died when I was just 3, apparantly my Mum was very close to him.

My Gran had an affair when my Mum was a teenager, resulting in a pregnancy (one of my mums sisters) My aunt has no idea she has a different Father, as far as my mum knows she is the only sister who knows this, her Dad shared this with her when she was 16. Big burden to carry I guess. Plus she has always felt she lived in the shadow of her elder, prettier and cleverer sister. My Gran certainly does give my Mum hardly any attention, so I think my Mum has over compensated with me.

It's great to hear stories frm those of you also dealing with this, esp from saffysmum who seems to be in control now. Thanks.

Your mother sounds very similar to mine. It took me 30 years of trying and trying and trying to deal with her in so many different ways to realise that unless she got professional help for what is a personality disorder (she was diagnosed when she retired due to ill health) I would spend the rest of my life being abused.

Sad as it is, you need to weigh up whether your mother brings anything positive to your life to balance out all the negativity. There is a huge in-built obligation to maintain relationships with relatives that needs to be put into perspective. If a friend treated you this way wouldn't you have called time a long time ago? I stopped contact with my mother 3 years ago and it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Yes I miss having a mum, but I missed having a mum even when she was in my life as she never behaved like one. I do not miss MY mother - I have always missed the theory of a mother!

I would never want to talk someone into taking such drastic action, but it IS an option. Don't spend the rest of your life being an emotional punchbag. Your mother has the problem, not you, and you should never feel guilty about setting boundaries or reducing contact - if she is like mine NOTHING you do will ever make her happy and it's just a case of realising that.

Good luck and I hope it works out

Junkiebunny well said!

OP - you don't have to stop contact, but do try and accept that it isn't you, and that your mum has a serious disorder, and that you need to protect yourself, so try and take control about how much time you give her - I can talk to my mum all day about trivial matters - Eastenders, the news etc., but will not be drawn into personal stuff - because I know from experience that it will be used against me. You have to look after yourself, because she won't change - and until you step back and accept how she is, which is really hard, you will forever be banging your head against a brick wall. Your mum will resist you taking control, so the tears may increase - be prepared for this, it is very normal. You don't have to stop contact, just change it so that it stops causing you grief. The day I stopped trying to please my mother, to be "good enough" was the start of my healing. I wish you well.

My mother is exactly the same, even down to the same phrases. My dad left her 4 years ago and I am still picking up the pieces. My brother also stopped talking to her at the same time though they've made up about 12 months ago.

The odd thing is she is exactly like her mother was with her and she hated her mother being like it. However she can't see that she is being the same with me.

She puts awful guilt trips on me, says that I don't go and see her enough, etc.

She falls out with everyone, alienates people. Will have major fallings out with various people/shops/companies and then spends weeks having a major drama about the latest incident.

If I stand up to her I get the "barely speaking to me treatment" next time I ring her, as she "doesn't want to say much incase I upset you again".

Sounds like my MIL.
When "challenged" by my husband(an only child)-she burst into tears & asked if she still loved him

We moved abroad a couple of years later.
They have never visited.

OP - This sounds like so much like my Mother..I am not an only child but the eldest of 6.My parents were married for 40 years then my Dad left her,unbeknown to us he had been living a dog's life for years putting up with her nagging, screaming and abuse..he protected us from that..he met another lovely woman and had 5 years with her before he died suddenly 2 years ago. My Mother has constantly belittled ny Dad since.She even told my youngest sister that she was glad he was dead and yet he was the gentlest of men. She has fallen out with all my brothers and sisters who have nothing to do with her as she is so bitter and nasty to everyone.Therefore I am the one who gets the sobbing phone calls but when I do visit her she never asks about me,husband or daughters, it is all about her.The final straw came a few months back when I was diagnosed with breast cancer - I needed my Mum then and phoned to tell her but she turned the conversation round by saying that she thought I was a bit off last time I spoke to her (!), and did I know that she had been feeling a bit unwell lately! My DH took the phone from me and told her he had enough of her selfish attitude and I have't spoken to her in a couple of months - it's hard but she has to realise that she is the one with the problem.

MySweetPrince: I am so sorry to hear that when you need your mum the most, she hasn't been there for you. Unfortunately, this is classic behaviour, and it is something I have been subjected to, too many times to count. Now, I tell my mother nothing of importance, unless I absolutely have to, because I know that the support I need, simply isn't in her to give. It's hard and horrible though, and it continues to hurt. So pleased your DH told her he'd had enough -he sounds like he's being very supportive. Best wishes with your illness, my friend is going through similar, and it would appear that she is finally out the other side. So stay strong and positive.

Sounds like your mum needs a person "in constant attendance". Your dad did that role while he lived, now he is dead, she is expecting you to fill the role. Your feelings won't even enter into her thoughts. My gran was just like this. It is also nothing to do with being an only shild, if you had siblings, she would just have picked out one of you for the role.

My gran did this to my aunt once my grand dad died. Made us realise what my grand dad put up with for 50 years. But as she had not beenchallenged aobut her behaviour in 50 years there was no chance of her chaning. She just carried on just the same...except it was all aimed at my aunt and not her husband. So sorry for you, but people like this don't change.

This thread is very interesting, I can identify with lots of traits that my mother has. My daughter died when she was nine and my mother was not there for me at all. Never even phoned etc. She was coping with her own grief I suppose.

Though on the first aniversary of my daughters death I really needed a mum, even though I knew she was not that person in reality. She never phoned me on that painful day.

The next day I phoned her as usual and said
" I thought you may have phoned me yesterday" to which she replied angrily " Why should I, you should of phoned me, I lost my Grand daughter you know".
She is dead to me too.

So DrN I empathise with your pain.