Dreading my birthday

[Theantsgomarching]

Hi

I've a big birthday tomorrow, and I'm dreading. Not because of getting older, but for the last few birthdays and christmases (all except the first actually)DH has failed miserably. He normally doesn't get me anything at all, or something so unthoughtful handed to me in a plastic bag etc. I told him last year it didn't have to be expensive but that it was important to me to ahve a thoughful gist from dd to open on my bday. I told him straight, no hints or anything...any still nothing. I actually thought my heart would break. Anyway, now all I can think about is what will I do if he does a repeat performance tomorrow? It makes me feel so unspecial and unappreciated. Please let me stress its not about money, its the fact that he keeps doing it even though I've told him how it makes me feel.

Hi,

He sounds awful actually and am wondering what you're getting out of this relationship now.

What are other areas of your relationship like?. Is he this disrespectful of you when he talks to you for instance?. Does he put you down all the time?.

What do your children also think of him?.

Sorry for all the questions but more information would help here.

No, he's great. A fantastic dad. And very supportive of me normally, not great practically speaking for helping about the house etc but I would say I am happily married. There are aspects of his personality and make him a LITTLE controlling sometimes, but when I point this out he is apologetic and stops. But part of me feels he must be deliberately hurting me to behave this way.

Oh no, this would really upset me too. I hope you have more luck tomorrow.

Thanks. I'm really afraid of what will happen if he does the same tomorrow, I'm not sure I can take it

Oh i know that feeling. I actually cried on my last birthday cos my DH didn't put any effort what so ever. My Bday is after christmas so we are always broke... So only thing that i expect is a nice gesture but no luck so far it does make me feel upset but he's not romantic and i'm just hoping one day i'll get use to it I don't really have an advice just want to let you know that you are not the only one

Some people were not raised with birthday gifts etc. as children & it is difficult for them to understand how to do this properly for someone else. (Could this be the reason?)

I know it's hard, but don't take it personally!! If he is otherwise supportive and a good Dad and husband it may be just one of those things.

If he gets you nothing just tell him you are taking yourself off for a spa/massage/whatever next weekend and you expect him to pay for it as your "Birthday treat" and do the childminding when you go.

Many women actually write he's a great Dad when they themselves have not much positive to say about their own man. He may well apologise but he still does it subsequently.

Your children are learning from you both; what lessons are exactly being taught here?.

What aspects of his personality don't you like aside from him never buying you a present for your birthday (which I actually think is symptomatic of a wider relationship problem). To me that reeks of a general disrespect/could not care less attitude towards you.

What would his reaction be if you did not give him his birthday present?.

What would you say if a friend was telling you this about her H?.

No, AM, he gets upset if his dad doesn't get him something for his bday for example. I know he'd have no problem with me treating myself, but I just think it absolutely stinks if he can't make a bit of an effort if he knows how important it is for me IYKWIM. Who knows, maybe I am worrying for nothing and he'll come up trumps tomorrow. If not - I'm reading the "how would you kill your DH" thread with great interest....

Does he remember your wedding anniversary?

How does he feel when you buy him gifts with lots of thought put in to them? have you asked him why he doesn't get what you are saying?

Crossed posts Attila.. I hear you. I really do. The other side to his personality that I don't like is that he is naturally selfish. I guess that links with what I am posting about actually. He has not been raised with lots of love and affection, so is good at putting himself first. But he IS NOT an awful, neglectful prick either, please let me stress. On a daily basis, we are happy. He often surprises me with flowers etc, or arranges meals out or for my family to visit me so its not that he can't do it when he chooses, its just never for my birthday or christmas

Yes remembers wedding anniverasy, and engagement one..

Fab - he said last time that he wanted to wait until he could afford something decent..missing the point entirely...

is your birthday not on the same day each year therefore making it very easy to save up??

my dh never buys me a present on my birthday, for christmas he asks what i want and then buys it (we have completely joint finances so practically i might as well buy it myself) it doesn't bother me because he is fantastic in every other way. could your husband not understand its not an issue? i know you said you'd told him straight, but if he is not from a background where buying presents is the norm he may still not get it.

if he is genuinely fantastic in other ways then is a present really that important? if he is not thoughtful at all then i can see why it would be.

mmaybe you should remind him in advance of tomorrow...? i know you want him to remember of his own account, but if he does think about it even at this late stage would it help?

Hi theants,

I'll take you word for it that he is not a prick but he needs to up his game here.

How did he respond to you on your birthday last year or at Christmas?. Was he at all apologetic or remorseful then?.

Do not make excuses for him; selfish behaviour like he displays albeit infrequently should not be tolerated. He may well have been raised in a household where love and affection were unfortunately in short supply but it is not a proper excuse for how he is acting now. He knows that this means a lot to you yet he persists with no present on birthday and Christmas. You have every right to be upset at him.

You write that he gets upset if his Dad does not get him something for his birthday, can he not see that he is repeating that same behaviour with you now?. What's his response to that?.

Hi theants,

re your comment:-

"he said last time that he wanted to wait until he could afford something decent..missing the point entirely..."

I'll say. Its also a poor excuse.

He will not forget that its my bday, we've been talking about it all week as my sister is coming to visit, but that doesn't mean he will actually get me anything. It is because, as you all rightly point out, he knows it upsets me yet still does it, that I'm dreading tomorrow so much. Hoenstly, if he doesn't at least get me SOMETHING from the dcs I might actually seriously rethink our future. Because to me, it would mean, that he has very deliberately hurt me again. And I won't be treated that way.

Make it clear to him its not about money, its about effort.

Wishing you a Happy Birthday from me for tomorrow.

If he hasn't made any effort then do something with your friends.

You can't spend your life waiting around for him to cotton on!

If its any consolation I get the same. Or rather, don't get the same.
It's not because he is a bad person. I can only assume it's because he is an only child and his rather controlling mother is unable to do presents either. Basically you have to say what you want, and preferably get it yourself and invoice her.
On a good day I can give DH the benifit of the doubt and say that he doesn't know any better. On a bad day I feel like you because it would mean a lot if he bothered...

Thanks Attila..

I'll check back later. Have to get the whole tea/ bath/ bed routine going..

My DH us really useless at presents too, so we have an agreement that he buys me something from the DC with them, of course (I love flowers, so that's easy, but the DC are old enough to choose good presents now anyway!)

Then he gives me a nice cheque to go and spend on myself and I have a great day out shopping (usually with DD who loves shopping too!)

Would you like a cheque? Surely he could manage that

As for doing something special, we usually go for a meal with the DC, but if I want to do something else that involves him, I tell him and he sorts it, or I sort it and he pays

Be assertive!

Does he get you a card? take you to dinner? make you breakfast in bed...?

In other words is it that he doesn't do anything for your birthday, or is it that he does make an effort but it doesn't take the form of getting you a present?

If he doesn't make any effort... I think the time has come for a full on temper tantrum. And buying yourself something ostentatiously and unwrapping it in front of him...

He will get a card, and has suggested going out for breakfast..he will babysit while I go out with sis tomorrow night. Do you think I am wrong to be upset by no gift?