Dreading my birthday

[Theantsgomarching]

Hi

I've a big birthday tomorrow, and I'm dreading. Not because of getting older, but for the last few birthdays and christmases (all except the first actually)DH has failed miserably. He normally doesn't get me anything at all, or something so unthoughtful handed to me in a plastic bag etc. I told him last year it didn't have to be expensive but that it was important to me to ahve a thoughful gist from dd to open on my bday. I told him straight, no hints or anything...any still nothing. I actually thought my heart would break. Anyway, now all I can think about is what will I do if he does a repeat performance tomorrow? It makes me feel so unspecial and unappreciated. Please let me stress its not about money, its the fact that he keeps doing it even though I've told him how it makes me feel.

I think I am the female version of your husband. I find buying presents really difficult, and the closer I am to the person the harder I find it. I feel this enormous pressure to get something 'thoughtful' and if I can't think of anything I think I must be a terrible selfish person. I constantly question myself if the person will like what I am buying. If I am not as close to the person that doesn't bother me so much but the thought that I might buy something for someone I love that they hate makes me panic.
My sisters/ female friends I find easier because I just buy them shoes/ handbags/ jewellery that I like, but men I find impossibe especially my dad and DH. Over the years I have got them all the obvious stuff so it gets harder and harder. My DH is the opposite always seems to know what I would like and outs loads of thought into things. luckily he knows what I am like and is happy enough to tell me what he wants or to buy it himself. I still feel guilty about it though.
So in finally getting to the point I think you are being a bit hard on him. if you are happy with everything else and he marks the day by taking you out for breakfast/ babysitting then maybe he is just like me and is rubbish at coming up with present ideas. I'd say that by telling him you just want something thoughtful has just put him under more pressure - it would for me. He remebers and marks the occasion and your anniversaries and seems thoughtful enough, I don't think you attach to much significance to the lack of gift and what it means about his feeling for you.

last bit should read.......I don't think you SHOULD attach to much significanve to the lack of gift and what it means about his feelings for you.

he sounds like a prick

Do you know why he doesn't get you anything?

Is it because he

• doesn't know what to get you
• hates shopping
• doesn't understand how important presents on birthdays are to you (seems unlikely given the hints and he is upset when he doesn't get a present)
• doesn't like being "pushed" into getting you something?

He surprises you with flowers and meals out at other times, so why not on your birthday?

• I guess you have asked him why?

I know how you feel and have been giving this a lot of thought recently.

My DH makes an appropriate fuss of me (from him and the children) on my birthday, but other family members don't. I make an effort on their birthdays and I know they get upset if others forget their birthdays ... but they still make little effort for mine.

I think it is because for many people birthdays make them feel a bit vulnerable; it is that time of year when you reflect and think what you have achieved/how happy you are/how much longer you have left. For me recently my birthday marked what I felt was the halfway point of my life (hoping I live that long!) which felt really sad, and for people not to recognise me on that day made me feel even sadder.

I would either be childish about it and deliberately forget his birthday (and delay getting out cards others have sent him , or tell him straight. I'm afraid I have moaned at people directly in the past as it really irritates me.

Could you leave the PC turned on on this page with a large post it note and arrow?

Blimey - what a fuss about nothing. Far better to get something you really want yourself and make sure its from his account/he pays for it than rely on an unimaginative offering a la husband. Better to be generally happy on all the other days than have a big hoard on your b.day.

Wait... "He will get a card, and has suggested going out for breakfast..he will babysit while I go out with sis tomorrow night" - that doesn't sound like a prick to me. That sounds like someone who does acknowledge birthdays but, for whatever reason, doesn't "do" presents. He does thoughtful little things like bringing flowers in between times too. So, assuming there isn't some untold story here - and I must say Attila is right to say there's usually more to it - we aren't looking at a mean person or one who couldn't care less about his wife; even if he is naturally a fairly selfish person it sounds like he's making a bit of an effort not to be. So why does he let you down in this particular way? He could be making some kind of statement that presents don't, or shouldn't, matter when you're grown up (I confess to having that attitude myself, probably because my dad didn't "do" birthdays either). He could, as suggested by others above, be paralysed with indecision as to what sort of gift to get on behalf of DC's. Or whatever you're saying to him - and you do say you have been quite direct - for some reason he just doesn't hear "It would make a huge difference to me if you could get a present for me on behalf of the DCs".

Assuming the situation really is only about the present, I'd thrash it out, m'self. Not in a confrontational way, but as an academic exercise, to try and get some understanding of why he has this blind spot about birthday presents, and to hopefully get through to him why it does matter that you should have one.

Happy birthday ants! Hope the day turns out better than you expected

Hello,

My DH is lovely, but never gives great presents. He says he doesn´t know what to buy, also says he doesn´t know how to wrap things up (pathetic excuse).

Sooooo, as I am very pragmatic, I have asked him: Shall I send you a list then?. He said yes.

So I sent him a mail with about 8 links to things I like, from different sites, and he just had to click.

I also specified that he had to sort a nice card from the DCs, and a present too, it can be small but not like last year (when he took the DC to the corner shop for a panic buy on my birthday, and they bought me..... 2 packets of coffee beans. I don´t have a coffee grinder BTW, still, I laughed as it was so crap it was funny.

Anyway, try not to make a big deal out of it, and book yourself into a spa or a manicure and buy yourself a present. That´s waht i do. And send a list 2 weeks before,a nd a reminder the week before.

IMO everyone is allowed to be crap in a few areas.

Hello Everyone,

Well it was indeed much ado about nothing...I got two gorgeous cards (one from dh and one from dc's) an iphone (which I really wanted) and a voucher for a full body massage from dc's which he had booked for this morning, while he stayed home with the babies!! Also has bought cake! YIPPEE!! Five years later and we got there. I am offically not married to a prick. Thanks for not making me feel stupid for worrying

HOORAY!

And happy birthday

Im so glad to hear that. Happy Birthday, hope you enjoy your day.

Congratulations and happy birthday, hon

Gief cake!

Oh my goodness! Can I borrow him on September 20th please? Mine's not too hot at birthdays etc.....yet!

Hope you had a lovely day!

meanddollie I'll be sure to send him your way!