Has anyone helped themselves by stopping negative self-talk.

[wheresmypaddle]

Something a wise fellow MNer posted on another thread has really struck a chord with me- she suggested that when struggling "you can help yourself, by being very lovely to you and praising yourself a lot".

Obviously this is not the answer to everyone's problems but I am becoming aware that my thoughts about myself and my actions are really negative. I sort of talk to myself in a really critical way- its my 'natural' way so to speak.

I am beginning to realise this is damaging my self esteem and allowing others (particularly EXDP and my mum) to make me feel at fault, when in reality, often I am not (God its hard to say I'm not at fault).

I have learnt this from my Mum- she loves me to pieces but her criticism is constant!!

I have asked for a lot of help here recently, so sorry to do it again, but can anyone give me any insight into how I could start to turn this negative voice off. I know no-one likes a self-important show off, but I am beginning to realise that the only person who can help me with my battered self-esteem is myself!!

Any help gratefully received!!

I can't help, I am interested in this thread and wish you well, as you say we have internal chatter and it can be negative at times! Maybe it is something a lot of us should look at and congratulate ourselves in our achievements in life x

I still make posters of my self-sffirmations for the stairs wall (so I see them often). I don't give a shit who sees posters that detail all my best qualities! My bathroom mirror has a sticker on it, saying "you look nice"

The online CBT programmes are good for this sort of self-training. One of my favourites is the Mood Gym.

Good on you, for noticing it! It's actually worth answering yourself back, when you tick yourself off.
Example from my own life (happens about a hundred times a day ...):-
Me: Oh you silly cow, Grace!
Me: I just dropped a cup, it's not the end of the world.
Me: Yeah, okay, sorry. I'm okay really.
Me:

And, YES, be lovely to yourself; you're very precious.

Definitely! I find that if I start one really negative thought about myself/ my life, it can quickly spiral further down into real self-loathing which takes a huge effort to haul myself out of. That's usually when I come on to MN to shed some baggage or get advice and support. However, if I talk to myself (in my head not aloud or into a mirror, I might be slightly mad but not that crazy just yet!) about all the positive things about myself, in my life and the things that I am doing to make a change in my life for the better, then it really lifts me up and I find that as a result I do actually feel more positive and that results in me doing more positive stuff etc. etc. It's difficult to ignore people who chip away at your self-esteem as they are often the people that are closest to you. However, you know yourself best so unless their criticism is actually constructive, try to let it wash over you and think of all the nice things. if you've been through a really tough time it's hard to see that there can be a good outcome to it all but if you hang in there it does get better. I sound like a cheap psychiatrist/ cheesy motivational speaker (cue flash of dazzlingly white teeth in false grin and lots of fake tan) but I hope you can see where I'm coming from?

sorry for rushed post
... but I don't need to aapologise, you got my drift anyhow, didn't you?

Good book (with CD) - "Ultimate Confidence" by Marisa Peer.

ItsGrace, they sound really interesting resources, off to have a look at those (whilst I should be working )

Itsgrace- No, please don't apologise, thank you for taking the time to post, drift received and understood- thank you!! I will look at the link. I kinda cringe when I try to think of some positive affirmations- maybe I need more practise!!

Ezma- great point about doing more positive stuff due to feeling more positive in the first place. Thats what I hope might happen- if I 'force' myself to feel more positive, turn off the criticism I might actually start to do more really positive stuff.

Yes, its those closest to you who can really hurt me with their criticism- if a stranger tells me I'm dull or a bad mother then its one thing- but coming from DP or Mum its like a slap in the face!!

That's the thinking mind for you! We have 60,000 thoughts a day, 95% of them are the same as yesterday and 80% of them are negative.

The thinking mind is not who you are, it's not where your hope, love, passion, optimism and all the positive things that make you who you are, are held. Bear with me! We are a witness to our thoughts and the key is finding a focus to switch those thoughts off. The thinking mind is extremely powerful and it's what keeps us safe, e.g. it's needed to drive safely, to cross the road - actions in which we need to make a safe decision.

Look at the good in yourself, think of things that make you smile, think of happy times and when negative thoughts invade your mind just tell them to go away!

Wow thats a lot of thoughts.

Karmann- I think my "thinking mind" is not functioning very well though. Will spare you the details but is has kept me from being able to break free from being a total doormat for a long time. It makes me blame myself for getting into a relationship that has slowly eaten away at my self esteem!! I need to re-wire it if I am ever going to be free!!

On really bad days I write down each positive thing I've done that day and watch the list growing. It also motivates me to do more positive things so I can make the list longer.

Just trying to think positively in my head is really difficult on bad days and if someone says to you "don't visualise a pink elephant" that is the first thing you do iykwim, it is really hard to stop yourself having the negative thoughts. It is easier to not try stopping the thoughts but to think other thoughts to deflect you from them. Sometimes I can't think clearly in my head and can't focus but writing the thoughts focusses them.

Wheresmypaddle - your 'thinking mind' is functioning too well. It's incredibly powerful and it's what everyone does. Learning to ignore it when you want to switch off is the key.

Start by finding time to truly relax - put a cd on and listen to it properly, watch a film and concentrate on it, as soon as your mind starts to wander onto thoughts you don't want bring your concentration back to what you are doing. Before you know it, you've watched a film, read a book, listened to music without letting your thoughts take over. Practice this and it will become easier to apply it to other aspects of your life.

Good advice from Karmann about concentrating on the here and now. Also when you find yourself thinking negatively just focus on your breathing to take your mind away from it. You've already taken a huge leap by becoming aware of the thoughts so reward yourself for it!

One thing I'd add is don't go down the 'blame' game. Don't blame yourself (or anyone else) for where you are - you really just are where you are (if that makes sense). You know the source of these thoughts and they have become a habit - that's all - just a habit. If in doubt at the very least tell yourself you're doing just fine!

JayDubs is right. Focus on your breathing. You breathe without thought so in your mind label your breathing - when you breathe in say 'inbreath' in your mind and when you breathe out say 'outbreath' in your mind. It takes away from thought.

We only have the here and now. Yesterday has gone and tomorrow never comes.

The most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself.

Thanks for starting this topic, wheresmypaddle. I had thought of asking advice about this sort of thing for myself, but never quite knew how to put it into words. These kinds of negative thoughts can be so debilitating and I have days where I seem to use so much energy trying to deflect them/stamp on them.

Grace - those links look very helpful.

hi wheres my how are you? i meant to reply to you on the other thread sorry

one of the best things i did was to do this:

every evening write down the worst elements of the day. then write something to go with each one to minimalise it, ie tomorrow will be different, i had been under pressure, can't change the behaviours of other people etc

then write down all the positive bits! all of them, ie did the shopping, had a chat with XX on the phone, laughed watching a tv show, painted toenails etc. include all the small pleasures that are too easily forgotten.

this was how i changed the way i was thinking. also always give yourself something to look forward to the next day, ie a cake, manicure, a film etc

also am i right you are a newly single parent with a small boy? if so make the most of the things that are best or only possible when it's just the 2 of you. we used to have lazy mornings in bed on non playgroup days, with a biscuit and fruit breakfast; or singing and dancing to music; baking cakes with your ds (great excuse for cakes); planting seeds; going for random drives with story tapes or music

talk to us on here anytime you want or need to

Uglymugly- the first thing you need to change is your username!

also don't underestimate the power of music, it can lift you and inspire you. dig out an old cd you used to love and give it an airing!

basically on your most difficult days make sure you do something that makes you smile every hour, it will soon become habit

Thanks so much everyone for your suggestions.

Uglymugly- I agree with maristella, how about muglyisnotugly?! I hope you can get some helpful stuff from this thread too. I agree with you that its a hard concept to put into words. I am beginning to get my head around the destructiveness of overly critical thoughts and low self esteem. However, its a steep learning curve!!

Maristella, I am going to try those two lists starting tonight. Yes, I am newly single with a 3yo DS, I am touched that you remembered that and your suggestions of lovely stuff to do together are great. I am really trying to see the positives of it being just the two of us, thanks to you guys it becomes less terrifying as time goes on.

The concept of staying in the 'here and now' is so right and sounds so simple, I tend to fret about the past and worry about the future- silly really, I am going to try to stop!!

Well I have to report that I am feeling a bit more positive today- I have been looking at lots of positive threads on mumsnet, I did the lists as suggested and I have texted several friends to try to organise stuff to keep DS and I busy over the coming weeks.

I have even invited a friend over for dinner next week, not something I usually have the confidence or guts to do. She has accepted and I am so pleased to have some company to look forward to once DS is in bed- must try not to moan at her though , or she will never want to come again!!

I am going to try to keep this up.

Anyone else had any luck?

I did a "mindfulness" course to help with depression which was very helpful. Think of negative thoughts as boats coming into your harbour - you can choose to get onto them or not. And staying in the now, and what other people have said - giving yourself praise when you do things - like wasn't that good of me to make my dd's sandwiches last night - it's saved me loads of time this morning.
Keep at it - it definitely gets easier and then you find yourself praising yourself to other people...

I've started the MindGym thing, and one of the "strange" things was to type in a couple of examples of situations that made me upset/angry. It would probably seem silly to other people to say that was validating, in a way.

One of things was that in my last job I gained a reputation for excellence, but also had stepped in when there was a crisis elsewhere in the office and took on extra duties beyond my normal part-time hours. But when I resigned, having received what I thought was a kick in the teeth from upper management, my line manager didn't even organise a leaving card for me. My negative side told me that I only had value for as long as I was useful, and anyway the timing of my resignation was the worst possible for my line manager (for reasons I won't go into) so perhaps I should have delayed my resignation. But writing it down has helped me to stand back and see that actually my line manager handled my situation badly - no matter how stressful the other situation was - and that part of her behaviour was guilt-induced/hiding her head in the sand.

The other situation was what gave rise to my MN name, which I thought was the result of my usual self-deprecating humour, but now feel it wasn't so funny after all.

So, I've done two brave things in the last couple of days. Firstly, I actually got a bit "angry" with someone on another topic, then wavered at the response, then was heartened by someone else who responded with similar views.

Secondly, I've changed my MN name.

Hugglymugly I love the fab new name and the brave positive attitude. Hope it leads to good things for you.

I have started the mind gym too. It is really interesting!

This is just brilliant, you two
Love the new name, Huggly!

So, today I tidied up the garden a bit. Doing anything physical makes me go all dizzy & weakly (CFS) so I had to keep stopping. But I plugged away, doing 20 minutes or so, then messing about on Mumsnet and going back to the garden. I haven't finished yet, and what should have taken about 2 hours took all day - but, thanks to this thread, I'm reframing that. I HAVE NEARLY FINISHED tidying up the garden! And it looks half done much better already

love the name change, much better Huggly!

I once had a panic attack outside Aldi...

Had come 'home' to the Uk from 3 disasterous years in DH country. Oppressive, anti-female, culturally alien (that was DH, the country was pretty bad too..)

I was left with some kind of minor agoraphobia, as a result of never leaving the house while over there, and felt ill at ease whenever I was out of the house here for anything longer than an hour. If I was on my own, the feelings were much more acute.

Then the panic attack.

i remember it clearly, I found myself getting het up and feeling that sick to the pit of my stomach feeling.

I stopped myself and out loud asked myself

Me: WHAT'S the problem?
ME: I'm scared
Me: of what?
ME: other people finding me
Me: Who? Finding you?
ME: yeah, catching me here. Out here on my own.
Me: You do know it's OK to be out here don't you? that no-one is going to 'catch' you. You are not doing anything wrong. Just doing something you are not used to. Nothing bad will happen to you, you are going to be OK.

I went into Aldi and shopped, there were some lovely older ladies and I got chatting to them.

I'm not saying I was cured, far from it, still working on it, but it's getting better,. I don't use the Rescue Remedy any more...