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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel that men ruin my life rather than add to it.

30 replies

poshsinglemum · 01/06/2010 22:20

Please remind me that they are NOT all the same. i need a good kick up the arse and possibly a shag (although not from you lot!)

I have been feeling shit about my ex recently who almost killed me and ruined my career/life.

Most of all I am horrified that I put up with such behaviour. I can't believe with his controlling ways. I was such a doormat in my youth. How do I forgive myself for being a victim?

Sorry to moan but sometimes I can't believe that I've been soooooo stupid with regards to my choice in partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 01/06/2010 22:21

Not to mention dds dad who left me when I was pregnant. Are there any decent men out there?

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 01/06/2010 22:23

psm - d'you feel you've got to the root of why you made such bad choices in the past?

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 01/06/2010 22:27

Hmm- not sure. lack of self- esteem I reckon. My mum has no self esteem and wasn't the best role model but bless her-she was ill.
I think I was quite weak when growing up and despearte for a boyfriend.

OP posts:
PrettyFeckinVacant · 01/06/2010 22:29

What was your Dad like PSM?

maktaitai · 01/06/2010 22:32

Hmm, dunno. I sometimes think about retiring to a nunnery. Hard work but at least it's not expected to be pleasurable like marriage.

HerBeatitude · 01/06/2010 22:34

I really think you need to sort out in your own head, why you made the choices you did - waht was your motivation, what was your emotional health like? Why were these men acceptable to you at the time, what were the dynamics which made them acceptable?

Once you've sorted that out, you can work on ensuring that you have definitely changed the mindset that led to those choices. And then you'll feel more confident that you are capable of making a good choice, rather than a bad one. And i'd say, don't go near a man until you know you've reached that point.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 01/06/2010 22:45

My mum and dad are still together but he's emotionally distant and not very affectionate. However, my sister has just got engaged so it can't be my dad's influence can it? It' s my bad choices that have made me feel like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 01/06/2010 22:45

My sister's bf is lovely too and very affectionate.

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HerBeatitude · 01/06/2010 22:52

psm, your sister is not you. All of us are influenced differently by our childhoods because we're all different. And your sister had a different experience of childhood than you did. My sister is an alcoholic; I'm not. We were treated differently as children (whether my parents would acknowledge that or not) and reacted differently to our childhood and adult life experiences.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 01/06/2010 22:57

My sister was quite a difficult baby and I think mum took the stress out on me as I was 4 by then. She was a model teenager so didn't get any disapproval the either. Mabe I was a scapegoat or something?

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TDiddy · 01/06/2010 23:01

PSM - quite a few men are selfish, immature, lazy etc but obviously not all. Best thing is to start by feeling good about and with yourself. If you are happy with yourself and friends then there isn't much that you may even need a man for....well you might need them but the key is to be confident and not rely on them for your own self esteem. Many men are attracted to women who are comfortable in their own skin but focus on you for now...the rest will take care of itself.

best wishes

scottishmummy · 01/06/2010 23:22

sort yourself out and dont generalise about other people partners/brothers/sons

your experiences and bad partners are not transferable to everyone else

shame you have had hard times,but what are you going to do about it?whine opine and generalise about all men? or look hard and deeply at your own behavioural choices and influences. why are you drawn to losers?why are they drawn to you?what can you learn from this

stop all the introspection and moping.doesn't help,cant undo the past

can change past can only shape present and future but only if you stop moping and blaming others.external locus of control wont get you through life

scottishmummy · 01/06/2010 23:29

clinics/practices that train counsellors offer reduced rate if clients see trainee student.the trainee is student who is supervised and overseen

worth looking into

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 01/06/2010 23:47

Hi Sm- I know that not all men are like that and I give myself a hard time about why I choose the loosers. I don't want others to give me a hard time too. you do speak sense though and I ahve had councelling. The damage is done though. I have no uidea why I put up with the crap that I did. I can't forgive myself and if you saww the state of me by teh time ex had finsihed with me (6 stone/ribs poking out- no sense of self) you would wonder why any self-repsecting supposedly intelligent woman would do it to herself too.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 01/06/2010 23:48

sorry-typos! Tired.

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msboogie · 02/06/2010 00:06

you choose the losers because on some level you either think you deserve them or that you can't get anything better.

Been there.

You hang onto the losers even after you know they are losers for the same reason and because
b) as a woman you make the terrible mistake of empathising with them and trying to see things from their point of view and "oh he's like this because he had a bad upbringing - I can make him better.."
and
c) because you ignore your instincts and the warning bells when they start to go off because you don't want to overreact (when another woman would have him out on his arse at the first sign of him being a wrong 'un)

Been there too.

It's all about you and what you will accept, and how long for, I'm afraid.

Life is too short to regret the wasted years. All you can do is learn from it and never let it happen again. That is your revenge.

I think I have done that.

It took me a long time.

I was angry with myself too but it achieves nothing - only lets the fuckers keep their evil, fucked up, inadequate tentacles waving about in in your life for even longer.

maktaitai · 02/06/2010 08:06

I would say that usually the things you hate most about a partner are the flip side of the things you need/love most.

I love to be needed and to be the most important person in a partner's life. In my long-term partnerships this has meant that the people I am with have had some significant area of damage that means they need me a lot and don't really have other people in their lives.

So, yes, you need to look at what you want most in a partner before understanding the flip side. I do think that wanting certain positive things shouldn't HAVE to mean getting the negative as well but it makes it more likely IMO.

realrabbit · 02/06/2010 08:55

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scottishmummy · 02/06/2010 19:28

i hope you find some peace.this is self worth issue.you feel you dont deserve better so unconsciously you are perhaps drawn to unsavoury types

you are as you say a smart bright woman, a talented graduate.you need to try get your life back,yes he has done damage but time to acknowledge you dont need deserve this

no magic wand.no easy answers but you can cut yourself slack,acknowledge what has happened but still look at your positives

for yourself, for your child

dignified · 02/06/2010 20:08

I too sometimes get angry about the behaviour ive put up with , i think its normal and a positive thing , it also means you reject this behaviour and wont go there again.

I often ask myself why i put up with such awful treatment. It was never because i felt its all i deserved , more that i was naive and gullible and couldnt comprehend that people did this deliberateley. And boundarys , what were those ? I didnt have a clue.

Abusive men have a certain beleif system , they absorb societys veiw that they are superior to women and feel entitled. Often abused women have also absorbed these ideas too , beleiving men " cant help " their abusive behaviour and its our job to keep them happy.

Its interesting really , if you watch any soap, film, or listen to the radio, youll hear this message every day. Think about some of the songs you listen to . Cherly coles fight for this love is typical. Dont get away from the prick, youve got to fight.Look at how abusive pricks are portrayed in soaps, theyre always handsome and dashing and their abusive behaviour is glamourised.

My rule is that if i wouldnt put up with it from a freind i wont put up with it from a man.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/06/2010 20:49

Hi all, thanks for the input. I guess as I have learned so much and I have changed so much I am amazed at what I have put up with in the past and there is no way I would put up with it now.
I think it is about forgiving my younger, more naive self as this older, more cynical me is incredulous!

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Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/06/2010 20:56

I also think I put up with too much bad behaviour from my friends dignified. I guess I feel terrified of rejection and so will accomodate to hell in order to prevent it.

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scottishmummy · 02/06/2010 21:14

so what are going to do?what small steps can you take to raise your self worth and stop being a doormat

parent groups to some meet nice folk
library
getting out & about
online course
cv help
voluntary work

dignified · 02/06/2010 21:41

I also think I put up with too much bad behaviour from my friends dignified

Yep, i did too , you wouldnt beleive how much !Even my bloody dog used to bully me. Could you start with making a small list, of behaviours that you dont want to put up with ?

And forgive your younger self , young women do not, and should not , have to know the tactics of these abusers.

MagalyZz · 03/06/2010 14:01

I feel the same as you PSM, I am not a man-hater, but yes in the past man have never 'added' to my life so I'm not out there hunting. If it happens it happens, and as I'm a very ordinary looking 40 year old mother of two I accept that it's less likely than probable!

HOWEVER< i think herbeautitude makes a good point. I have addressed that point, and personally I think I was more concerned about appearing to be happy/in love/secure than actually being those things. I revolved decisions around appearing happy. I didn't realise it at the time though. But I almost knowingly walked into some crappy situations.