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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

not sure what to do next.........

29 replies

ivescrewedup · 29/05/2010 22:13

..... DH has given me ultimatum........ stop drinking else he's out of here..... but only drink cos he a) hates the fact that I'm 3 stone heavier than when we met b) I get stressed out at work and bring it home (but I can't leave cos I've got better penision than him, he's made that clear) and c) a lot of the pressures we have on us he totally delegates to me. SO, I know I need to cut down on the alcohol intake, but when I say "I need your help" ... he says "oh yes, always someone else's fault....." I know it's up to me to cut down on alcohol, but is it unreasonable to expect some support in the stressful areas which lead me to having the odd drink in the first place????

OP posts:
MrsSawdust · 29/05/2010 22:21

It's true that people who depend on alcohol tend to blame outside factors such as stress for their continued drinking. But it doesn't make it very easy on you does it, when your life is full of stress anyhow, to make such a big step when you feel unsupported by your dh.

Do you think you have a drink problem? If the answer is yes, then nothing your dh says or does / doesn't do will make the bilndest bit of difference anyway. You need to want to stop for your own self - notjust to keep him happy.

Have you considered getting some outside help such as AA or visiting your gp?

OneFucker2Many · 29/05/2010 22:22

ivescrewedup do you love him? if you do maybe gather the courage to talk to your doctor. you have taken the first step admitting that you need to cut down well done

Karmann · 29/05/2010 22:25

I really don't want to come across as harsh but the 'reasons' you have stated for drinking are 'excuses'. You are giving yourself permission to drink because of a, b & c.

Alcohol is laden with calories which won't help with your weight. Alcohol may be adding to your stress at work because if you are drinking everyday your body is not ever clear of alcohol so your not functioning with clarity.

Start keeping a drinks diary and be completely honest with yourself. It's not as hard to cut down as you think it is. If it's wine you drink, cut the percentage volume down, have two glasses instead of three, for example, and drink either juice or water inbetween glasses.

As you say, it is down to you to cut down and you should be supported in doing so but obtaining support in the stressful areas which lead you to drink is another matter. Can you get additional support from colleagues at work?

MrsSawdust · 29/05/2010 22:26

Oh, and if you're unhappy in your job, leave it and get another. Your dh may have made his feelings clear on that subject, but he can't stop you taking steps to move on if that's what you want to do. He can like it or lump it. Life is too short to be miserable at work.

ivescrewedup · 29/05/2010 22:31

ok, so as dH says, my fault and up to me to sort out. What's hard is that he has a fairly charmed life, happy to have a go at me for not coping, but doesn't have much to cope with himself. But as you've said too, up to me, neither DH nor MN can see it from my perspective. Makes final decision a lot easier.

OP posts:
ivescrewedup · 29/05/2010 22:53

thanks all, think you're all saying that I need to take control, I agree. will do that - thanks xx

OP posts:
MrsSawdust · 29/05/2010 22:55

Fwiw, from the little you've said, your dh sounds like a bit of a nob. And you sound really unhappy.

Can you tell us more about what's going on in your relationship? The drinking may be a sideline issue (nevertheless, only something you can deal with) while the real problems (that you can deal with together) are within your relationship.

bubble1 · 29/05/2010 22:58

Its not true that others dont see your point of view.
Does your drinking affect the rest of your life, or do you function normally elsewhere?
Do you drink a lot...you know, pass out in a drunken stupor, et, or do you just get a bit merry?
Has your hubby agreed to "give up" something he enjoys in order to make this a fair payoff?

ivescrewedup · 29/05/2010 23:04

DH will never take any responsibility for any of this being down to him, up to me to deal with. I need to find a way to deal with everything which doesn't involve drinking .. but DH only does "for better" and not "for worse"... he'sjust told me he wants the woman he married back.....but she wasn't working 24x7 and looking after home and kids ... while he still gets to read his paper front to back daily, play his sport and work in a stress-free job that earns less than I do. He's going to leave me he says, yet he has a cushy life and doesn't have to deal with half of what I do. THanks for listening, won't be posting again, very clear what needs to happen.

OP posts:
bubble1 · 29/05/2010 23:12

ivescrewedup...dont rush off, you are clearly feeling very hurt, thanks to your insensitive hubby.
Take a momemt and think. Your hubby sounds like mine...reding his paper, playing golf, watching tv, etc, while you run round like a headless chicken...am i right?
If i am, of course you bloody drink...so do i...and why the hell not?
you deserve wind down time too...you need to relax too.
I think you should tell him that he is not the man you married either and you want something back from him...he cant demand things from you without giving something back too.

ivescrewedup · 29/05/2010 23:15

have tried that and he just says "yeah,blame someone else"..... I can't cope, but it's clear he only wants to be with someone who can cope with whatever....... so just need to get out of this life. THanks for listening & understanding Bubble, mcuh appreciated, take care xx

OP posts:
Karmann · 29/05/2010 23:17

I too would urge you not to rush off - it seems quite clear that drinking is not the main issue. You sound like you've reached the end of your tether and maybe winding down at the end of the day with a drink is your release.

When you say 'very clear what needs to happen' are you talking about your relationship or your drinking? Please don't think you're being criticised, you're not.

bubble1 · 29/05/2010 23:17

hate to say this but...you sound like youre going to do something silly...dont. whatever has hapened can be sorted. There has to be more to this than your drinking.

KorkiiEffenkrakers · 29/05/2010 23:19

ivescrewedup, you sound as if you are very unhappy and in a lot of pain. Your life sounds really hard and you don't know how to cope so are using alcohol. Your DH does NOT sound supportive which makes it all the harder. If you want to leave your job then leave it and fuck him. You don't have to carry all the burdens in your family. Also tell him to muck in more and maybe let you get off to the gym 3 evenings a week. He sounds a bit of a knob to be honest.

Ring AA and make an appointment with your GP. Also ring the samaritans tonight if you need to talk. I hope you get the help you are crying out for. Good luck. You deserve to be happy. You just need some help so that you can become the person you want to be (NOT who your DH wants you to be).

KorkiiEffenkrakers · 29/05/2010 23:20

I am worried about you. Please come back on and tell us you are ok.

ivescrewedup · 29/05/2010 23:25

thanks for your concern, don't worry xx

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bubble1 · 29/05/2010 23:26

come on ivescrewed up...talk to us. I myself, like you and i am sure many others here have been in a dark place, but yuo would be amazed how much support you can get here.
we only want to help.

ivescrewedup · 29/05/2010 23:28

thanks bubble,but I know what I need to do, really appreciate your support tonight xx

OP posts:
KorkiiEffenkrakers · 29/05/2010 23:29

ivescrewedup - so what do you think could help? Do you think AA would be something you could go to? You need to have a big talk with your DH. Have you told him what YOU need from HIM to be happy?

bubble1 · 29/05/2010 23:31

In fact, i myself am sitting here drinking ...but it helps me relax, makes me feel chilled out and i actually like it.
I am not going to stop drinking alcohol, just like i am not going to stop smoking, because my hubby wants me to.
Why the fuck should I?
I know for a fact that if I asked my hubby to give up playing golf he would say no, so why should i give up my pleasures if he wont give up his?

Portofino · 29/05/2010 23:32

You sound a bit like me! I have had similar conversations.

bubble1 · 29/05/2010 23:34

ivescrewedup...when you say you know what you need to do...what exactly do you mean????

Portofino · 29/05/2010 23:37

I asked DH to help. In reality he can't. I know it is something I have to do.

bubble1 · 29/05/2010 23:41

confused...what do you mean, he cant help.

MIFLAW · 29/05/2010 23:43

Dear ivescrewedup

You haven't told us much about your situation - most frustrating of all, how much you drink, or what happens when you drink - but I can't help noticing that, within a short post, "stop drinking" becomes "cut down".

It is not for me to say whether your husband is right or not, or whether he helps or hinders you (and he doesn't sound like the most supportive of men) - but I must say that that, coupled with the idea that your drinking is his fault, are classic behaviour for problem drinkers.

I can remember thinking once upon a time, "when I get a decent job, and a bit of money coming in, and a partner, I'll be less stressed and I'll cut right back on my drinking." Within six months, all three had come true. I remembered what I'd said about cutting down on drinking. And it scared the shit out of me.

Imagine if these irritations ceased totally tomorrow. By your own admission, you would then have no cause to drink. Would you stop completely? Or cut right down to, say, government guidelines (14 ubits a week for women, if I recall correctly)? Do you feel okay about that idea or does it terrify you?

If the latter, maybe your irritating, unsupportive, lazy husband has a point.

And, though I don't know all the facts, I would be astounded to learn that anyone had issued this sort of ultimatum because you have "the odd drink".