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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

confused about sex

93 replies

OneFucker2Many · 29/05/2010 22:12

i have been with dp for 5 yrs now and we have 3dc. we have our ups and downs but one thing at the minute is really confusing me and i cant tell anyone in rl.

sometimes if he tries to initiate sex and i am tired etc i will pleasure him but decline the sex. sorry if tmi. anyway recently i have been asleep to be woken up with us actually having sex. its really confusing me as i would have previously said no already but not that time as i was asleep. sorry to ramble.

is this normal any1 else experienced it?

OP posts:
KristianMHR · 30/05/2010 05:36

What is wrong with some men?

I am guy, and things like this really wind me up. Especially recently since my sister-in-law just got herself out of a very subtle but sinister abusive relationship.

As previously mentioned, if he's just climbing aboard while you're asleep, it's no better than using Rohypnol or Ketamine to incapacitate a lass while you do whatever. More importantly, it's unacceptable and I would never even consider doing this to my wife, though without trying to sound inappropriate, wouldn't be adverse to being on the receiving end of it...

Anyway, you've said enough to make it clear that your fella is abusive and it sounds like he's getting to you, so I think fundamentally, you know what you need to do.

It's never as simple as just upping and leaving someone, but if your relationship is this bad and he's using you like he is, you need to put a stop to it and find somebody who has some respect for you. There's billions of different people out there so there's no need to stay with one that makes you unhappy.

Original poster
OneFucker2Many · 30/05/2010 09:00

thankyou everyone. ive got a lot of thinking to do atm, last time i left it was horendous. i just felt guilty for him and the kids.

last night he went to bed before me and when i went up he was asleep. about 10 mins later he tried to initiate sex and i declined, as to be honest him doing it whilst i am asleep has put me off, and he did stop and go to sleep after i pleasured him, sorry tmi. so maybe if i had said no before he would have stopped. i no this is not possible if im asleep, i mean in hindsight. i do care for him alot and want to make a good life for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneFucker2Many · 30/05/2010 09:03

katycarr can i ask you why you feel so strongly that i should leave, it has scared me to think that you see huge alarm bells ringng, hope you dont mind me asking

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 30/05/2010 09:12

I don't think he would see it as rape. If you woke him up with a bj he'd probably be delighted.

You're married you share a bed and you have 3 children surely there is a level of consent there.

Sometimes just getting on with it means you end up enjoying it and that's his intention.

You're obviously very upset about it whereas I wouldn't be be so there are clearly a few more issues within your marriage. I really don't think being woken up by an amorous husband is weird at all.

LittleMissHissyFit · 30/05/2010 09:17

Ew, what a vile man.

So you mananged to avoid penetrative sex, but you still tossed him a bone, if you pardon the pun.... So he got satisfaction. Again.

You DO need to leave tbh, even though it's not easy. Plan it properly and carefully and just do it.

As for the alarm bells we are all hearing, This is the beginning of a very long slippery slope. You left him before because of his controlling and angry ways, now he's failing to respect you or your wishes and putting his own needs above and before everyone and everything. He'll get to be at least as bad as before, but with sexual abuse thrown in for good measure. What a prize he is...

I've had sleep sex, where we have both been snoozing and initiated mutually consented sex. DH sometimes has sex in his sleep, again OK. Being told no and waiting for me to fall asleep before 'going for it' regardless? I don't think so!!

Original poster
OneFucker2Many · 30/05/2010 09:30

littlemiss thats where i am confused. is it sleep sex or him taking advantage as i dont actually say no do i?? although the thing that is causing me to be worried, i would have said no previously. this has never happened when we have actually had sex before going to sleep, only when i say no. is that just chance or is it him not respecting my decision?

Alouiseg i do agree there is a level of consent between us its just getting to me that he only ever does this when ive previously turned him down.

its hard as dd3 was a very bad vaginal delivery resulting in 3rd degree tear and being sewn up in theatre. since this i have not been up for sex a great deal, as i still have not got over this and it still is painful for me. although i have not told him it is still painful as i dont want him to think im making it up as an excuse. he thinks i never want sex, just its hard when its painful.sorry to ramble.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 30/05/2010 09:39

IME, when DH was asleep it didn't go all the way, he usually fell into a deeper sleep and stopped half way.

When we were both asleep, we'd wake in the midst, feel happy about it and carry on.

If one of us were unhappy, then something is not right.

Your gut feel is that it's not right, so therefore it isn't.

You need to tell DP about the pain.

differentnameforthis · 30/05/2010 09:45

"You're married you share a bed and you have 3 children surely there is a level of consent there"

Bollox! I have been with dh for 21 yrs, have 2 kids, but if I woke to him actually having sex with me, he'd have no balls left!

sharing a bed & having kids is NOT a level of consent...AT ALL & you are on dangerous ground suggesting so!

Don't get me wrong, I have often woken to dh touching me, in the hope I will be open to having sex, but if I found him on top of me, inside me....watch ya balls, is all I will say!

differentnameforthis · 30/05/2010 09:46

Alouiseg, read it again, he wasn't amorous...he was HAVING SEX WITH HER, IN HER SLEEP!

They are worlds apart!

katycarr · 30/05/2010 09:48

Because sex should be a reciprocal act, even if you are not going to go for all the love and commitment stuff at the very least it should be about 2 parties wishing to pleasure each other. The fact that he wants to have sex with you when you are unable to respond suggests that he does not see you as a person with feeling, emotions and right. This coupled with his other behaviour is worrying.

Alouiseg · 30/05/2010 09:58

Op must be a very deep sleeper to not wake up until he's actually doing it! Is he drugging you?

katycarr · 30/05/2010 10:18

Or he has an incredibly small penis and a crap technique.

Original poster
OneFucker2Many · 30/05/2010 10:49

no he is not drugging me. i am exausted at the minute my eldest dd is v hard work and the youngest 2 are still not sleeping through the night so i am absolutely shattered by the time i get to bed. i do wake up, but once we are already having sex. god im getting paranoid now would i no if he was drugging me? think to be honset i would and am sure this is not the case.

its often like he has a split personality sometimes he will be a loving caring man and then in a split second he can change and flip becoming nasty and aggressive about the minimal of things for example the house being untidy. the thing that scares me is that he can not see that he is being nasty aggressive.

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 30/05/2010 11:04

It's always tricky when dc are little. You shouldn't have to be scared of your dh so tell him to stop it and tell him youre still in a mess from the delivery. Then you must see a doctor about getting fixed and he must wait till you're mended.

Stand up to him and if he scares you call the police then he will know that he can't bully you. Play hardball to get what you want. He obviously is.

Malificence · 30/05/2010 11:19

It's abuse, plain and simple, not to mention very wrong.

What kind of man wants sex with a sleeping woman?
All healthy men have frequent erections during the night, does that mean they can stick their cocks wherever they like? no it fucking doesn't! If my DH is asleep with a sleep induced hard on , I will snuggle backwards against him so he's between my legs but I wouldn't start having sex with him while he's sleeping and he wouldn't start having sex with me if he woke up in that position, nor would I start giving him oral while he was still asleep, you can't just assume that consent is given, that shows total lack of respect for your partner.

Unless a partner has explicitly said that they like to have sexual contact whilst asleep, then it's just wrong.

If I woke up to my husband having sex with me, he wouldn't be my husband any more, it's as simple as that.

Mutual foreplay while still very sleepy is a very different thing, you have given consent.

Alouiseg - your views are very worrying.

blinks · 30/05/2010 11:34

he sounds like an utter cunt and you have been conditioned over time to accept this as normal.

it's not normal and the best decision you will ever make is to leave this man.

i hope you find the strength within you to do that. if not his behaviour will probably get worse.

dignified · 30/05/2010 11:37

the thing that scares me is that he can not see that he is being nasty aggressive.

Really ? So hes nasty and aggresive to other people then, his boss ect , or just to you, in private ?

I see this as serious sexual abuse. You decline sex, he waits until your asleep then does it anyway. He clearly feels he has rights over your body and your feelings dont matter.

I dont beleive a guy who has this mentality is not being abusive to you in other ways. Bet he demands sex constantly and gropes you in a horrible way. Is he into porn ?

You sound very down, and im not surprised. He sounds like an abusive controlling arsehole who sees you as a skivvy and a fucktoy for his own personal entertainment.
Look on the womans aid website and give them a call, rally your freinds and family for support and look to end this horribly abusive farce of a relationship.

Sexually abusive men gradually get worse and worse.

nagoo · 30/05/2010 11:40

I know I'm being a bit devil's advocate, so please don't flame me. OP habe you thought that you might respond favourably in your sleep? If you are asleep you are not stressed and not in pain so your body might be a bit more agreeable and your unconcious response might encourage him?

Also I really think that you need to talk to him and your GP about the pain that you have got as there might be something that they can do to help you?

RunawayWife · 30/05/2010 11:41

So your partner rapes you when you are asleep!
Tell him if he does it again you will report him to the police

Malificence · 30/05/2010 11:47

Oh come on nagoo, he knows full well she's asleep when he's doing this!

It's totally inexcusable.

dignified · 30/05/2010 11:47

Nagoo, No, the op has stated that she has a third degree tear that is still extremeley painfull . Shes told him this yet the arsehole still rapes her while shes asleep. How many of us want sex with a third degree tear ffs.

Alouiseg · 30/05/2010 11:48

malificence my views shouldn't be worrying. My dh and I often "help ourselves" at night although generally it would wake me up, and him.

What's normal acceptable and loving in one marriage isn't in another! Dh thinks being woken up by a bj is a treat considering the alternative is an alarm clock.

Op obviously has wider issues with her dp and this is the straw that's breaking the camels back.

blinks · 30/05/2010 11:49

nagoo. does it matter if she responds 'favourably'?- she is asleep! the fact that he initiates sex with his sleeping wife when she has already said no is telling about the kind of person he is.

blinks · 30/05/2010 11:50

and alouiseg- OP said he does this on evenings she has already said NO. that's different that what you're talking about. surely you can see that?

TDiddy · 30/05/2010 11:52

I don't need to add to the voices saying that you DP's behaviour is alarming..I think you know that which is why you are posting.

Whether you stay or go you must in future draw clearer lines of acceptable behaviour from your DP. But please note that you are not to blame as you haven't done anything wrong. But you may need to assert your needs in any relationship. You are exhausted but you still compromise and pleasure him! Does he in turn, do the work round the house at weekend to allow you to get some sleep? Does he do the early shift to allow you to lie in?

Being frustrated with lack of sex is common but is he caring for and helping you back to normality?