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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

confused about sex

93 replies

OneFucker2Many · 29/05/2010 22:12

i have been with dp for 5 yrs now and we have 3dc. we have our ups and downs but one thing at the minute is really confusing me and i cant tell anyone in rl.

sometimes if he tries to initiate sex and i am tired etc i will pleasure him but decline the sex. sorry if tmi. anyway recently i have been asleep to be woken up with us actually having sex. its really confusing me as i would have previously said no already but not that time as i was asleep. sorry to ramble.

is this normal any1 else experienced it?

OP posts:
Original poster
OneFucker2Many · 29/05/2010 23:40

alot more is going on -
we have 3 dc and it is v hard at times as eldest is 3 and the other 2 are still babies.

he blames me for a lot, gets angry quickly for no reason. started shouting the other day he wishes i was fucking normal, as i was sso exausted i did not bother to make the bed before sleeping in it. he went mental, and then apoligised and said it was my fault as i idi not make the bed.

OP posts:
ineedabodytransplant · 29/05/2010 23:40

As a bloke can I just say I could never do that. Even when frustrated/horny etc where is the fun if the lady is asleep?

Might as well be a blow up doll.

OLOPS, I think she may be depressed about the whole bloody thing which is understandable.

OF2M, if it hasn't been discussed/agreed between you and your OH than you really need to nip this in the bud asap.

funkychunkymunky · 29/05/2010 23:42

Maybe you should talk to someone impartial about it? Samaritans etc?

I'm afraid it is rape if you don't consent. if you are asleep and you can't consent and you have previously said no then there is no excuse.

Some couples don't mind though so maybe you need to discuss it further with him and point out that you don't want it happen unless you are concious and consenting.

What to do about it depends on you. From just your post it is very difficult to advise. I don't know your circumstances or anything about you.

If you want to take it further you could have a chat with a local Police Officer who could advise you.

grapeandlemon · 29/05/2010 23:44

You have so much on your plate. Three little ones!

I don't know what to say to you other that I sense you are headed for some kind of breakdown if you carry on like this. Your posts have really touched me and I just feel for you so much.

I don't think he sounds like the kind of man who will listen to you no matter what you say to him. Is he angry because of the stress of having the children (not excusing him just trying to find out) or has he always been this way.

PortiaNovmerriment · 29/05/2010 23:48

Just talk to him for goodness sake! He is pushing it and being very disrespectful- you are not his wank sock, if it pisses you off, you have to tell him, or he will keep chancing his arm while pretending that as long as you haven't objected he is entitled. Well newsflash- he isn't. It's upsetting you, so you have to tell him.

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 29/05/2010 23:49

Christ, my DH frequently has to move a pile of ironing off the bed before he can get in - he moans a bit but knows it's not worth shouting about.
And apologising then saying 'it's your fault, you made me' is not an apology.
It could be that three tiny DCs and all the work and exhaustion that entails has left you both depressed, leading to a spiral of bad temper and arguments - or he could be a nasty piece of work.
Only you know which of these is the case.

PortiaNovmerriment · 29/05/2010 23:51

I feel so sorry for you- you sound utterly exhausted. But you owe it to yourself to tackle this, and if you are scared of him being angry then you need to get some breathing space and support in real life. I sincerely wish you the best of luck, you have a lot on your plate.

scanty · 29/05/2010 23:54

might depend on his reaction once you discuss this with him and how you don't like or want that kind of sex. If he is understanding then hopefully you can put it behind you. If he can't accept your views and feelings on this then it is a problem. I think the knee jerk reactions of 'rape' are OTT unless he can't see your POV and thinks it's ok to continue like this. You do have an aweful lot to deal with right now with such young children and there may be more to your problems than the usual 'exhaustion, upheaval, PND etc. But guess it's hard to tell. We only have snippets - you know more of what is going on, your past history, relationship - all the best.

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 30/05/2010 00:04

It might be useful to look at the Womens Aid website - there's a section called 'recognising domestic violence' with a short questionnaire.
Might help you get it clear in your head the type of relationship you're in and the acceptibility or otherwise of his behaviour.
At least then you might have a starting point for discussion.
I gave to go to bed now but I hope you keep posting for more advice.

Original poster
OneFucker2Many · 30/05/2010 00:07

thankyou everyone i didnt think in a million years i would recieve this support.

ok bit of background -
he has been controlling/nasty before and i left him. my and dc1 and 2 moved out. i was preg with dc3. then he changed we came bk and now it seems to be worse

OP posts:
katycarr · 30/05/2010 00:09

I am not a poster who tells people to leave their partners often. Infact years ago I was told to leave my partner on here and refused, we went to counselling and are now very happy.

But in your case I have huge alarm bells ringing.

I would second going on the Women's Aid Website, it helped me immensely.

PortiaNovmerriment · 30/05/2010 00:14

I think that be the way to go, from the other things you've said, One.

scanty · 30/05/2010 00:18

ignore my earlier post as it does seem that there is much more to this. You've done it before and you know you can do it again , so you can be strong if you have to.

mrsfollowill · 30/05/2010 00:25

This is so not 'normal' You should be able to rely on your partner as a 'support' through your life. He should nuture and care for you. As you should for him. If he does not then he should do one and go. Leave or kick him out.

KerryMumbles · 30/05/2010 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/05/2010 01:12

Jeez, these forums are raising my consciousness a dozen times a day! Sorry for unintended pun, OP ...

Almost every partner I've had has done this. I thought it was kind of "we were both dreaming about sex" and woke up to find we were.

I need a reality check. Does that not happen in a healthy relationship, then?

OP, your feeling depressed the next day answers your question, I think - and probably mine. I just need a bit more confirmation.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/05/2010 01:41

Just done a quick search and found ...

"There have been reports of men injuring themselves during sadistic masturbation acts or humping metal or brick walls."
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex

"a respectable middle-aged woman with a steady partner, would leave the house while sleepwalking and have sex with strangers"
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3744226.stm

"We get calls from lawyers around the country ... the teenage daughter awakes to find her father doing something inappropriate. He may have had previous parasomnias ... it may be volitional. It's really so tricky"
health.usnews.com/usnews/health/articles/070601/01sleepsex.htm

I am, in fact, an active sleeper. I laugh, talk, sing, yell and often sit up in bed while playing out some dream ... which leads me to wonder if I'm the sexual abuser here???!

Help!

blinks · 30/05/2010 01:58

itsgraceagain.

your last post is bizarre and inappropriate in the context of this thread so i suggest you take your links to another thread.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/05/2010 02:07

Apologies, OF2M, I hadn't read your entire thread before posting. You sound terribly unhappy and, if this the final thing that decides you to quit & find a better life, then good. I know it's not so easy and you've totally been through the mill ... Even if your new life is hard, it won't be quite so hard as fighting this oppression all the time, will it?

WRT my posts above, it hasn't escaped my notice that the 'favoured ones' in my family never had sleep disorders. The rest of us do. So, perhaps, disturbed people are more prone to parasomnias. (I haven't looked this up, it's just my own theory.) You already know your chap is 'disturbed' so maybe the sleep thing is connected. That doesn't make it better, though, does it? It's not your job to fix him. Your job is to fix your life, and life for your DCs.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/05/2010 02:09

Blinks, cross-posted. Perhaps my last will cast more light. I'm not requesting deletion, but you're free to do it, of course.

littlestmummystop · 30/05/2010 02:21

OP- My ex did this to me a few times.

He wanted to ' see what I would do'.

It's unacceptable and I'm loathed to say rape, but think it's v close.

PLease don't make excuses for him. It's a sign of a very dubious character at the v best.

PortiaNovmerriment · 30/05/2010 02:21

Who are the people having sex with these "sleep sex" enactors? Most bizarre.

BertieBotts · 30/05/2010 02:39

Oh my gosh, OF2M, are you OK? The fact you didn't say "no" is irrelevant here - he didn't give you a chance to! He sounds abusive to me from what you have written. Abuse doesn't always mean violence.

You say you have left before - I think if you leave this time it needs to be for good. You can learn from this - abusive men don't change. You can do it!

Just as an aside, I am a bit creeped out by the sleep sex thing actually because it's just reminded me of something which happened with an ex - I remember him lying very still and stiffly one night and asked what was wrong, he said "Nothing, just trying to stop myself from doing something." I said like what?? He refused to answer but just made cryptic comments like "Some people like it.. but I'm worried I might hurt you." . He was an odd one. Only lasted 2 weeks, maybe that was a good thing?

confuddledDOTcom · 30/05/2010 02:51

I think it's already been touched on but there are two possibilities.

One is that you're (general "you") a very sexually active couple who would enjoy waking up like that. They'd know that the other would consent if they were awake and would stop if told to. (I've not been woken up to find he's having sex with me but he has woken me by kissing me etc, usually I'm happy to go along with it but if I tell him to go away he will)

The other is that if you were awake you'd say no so he's doing it knowing he doesn't have permission and it's no different to using a drug.

No one has any rights over another person's body. We're all free not slaves. He doesn't have a right to use you for sex, if he's that desperate he has a hand, he doesn't have to have sex.

PortiaNovmerriment · 30/05/2010 04:48

I totally agree with what confuddled has said- she put it really well. I feel like the example she uses, but that sounds really different from what you are describing.