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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ive just sent dh an email, now im worried, he'll see it when he arrives at work soon

68 replies

nailpolish · 08/08/2005 08:27

the story so far

thursday - dh goes out with his mates drinking as one of them has just had a baby, so its a 'head-wetting'. fair enough. but he says to me "wait up for me will you, im not taking a key, ill not be late"

so i did, til 130am, he says they got carried away playing cards. he didnt even phone or anything, i was getting worried so eventually called him at 120am , he was on his way home. i had stayed awake cos i was worried if i fell asleep i wouldnt hear the doorbell.

saturday, my mum had agreed to babysit so me and dh could go out for a meal, but it transpired i had to work. my mum still babysat, dh came along to the pub (where i work) and had a couple of drinks, then told me he was going home. he said "ill wait up for you". i got home at 1am, he wasnt home yet! so i called him, he said he was still in the pub, had met a couple of mates on the way home. he asked me to come along, i said i was tired but i went anyway. when i got there i said "ill have a drink, leave the car and we can get it in the morning" he said, "oh, ive told all my mates youll give them a lift home" and they were all standing there waiting to go! so he hadnt asked me along for a drink, just to give them all a lift home! (but he denies this)

yesterday - he goes out golfing with his mates 11am til 4pm, leaving me at home to look after the girls (again). at 4pm he call and says "were in the pub, why dont you come down" so i did. the girls were having a fairly good time, but dd1 (toilet training) did a poo in her pants, and dd2 was getting hungry so i say "im away home to give the girls their tea etc" he goes in a major huff, and i get a bad name, for apparently 'making' him come home with me (i had told him to stay and finish his pint, i would take the girls home) we argued in the car and havent spoken since

he left for work this morning without us talking, and ive just sent him an e mail saying along the lines of "i just want you to understand things are hard for me, looking after the girls monday to friday 6am til 7pm, then going to work 4 nights a week til 1am, doing all the housework, and now it seems fetching you from the pub, looking after the girls while you play golf/cards etc"

what do you think i should do? its too late for the e mail

OP posts:
Original poster
nailpolish · 08/08/2005 09:12

emily -doesnt sound odd - sounds like just what i wish for. my dh just sees the girls as 'work' i think

OP posts:
mumfor1sttime · 08/08/2005 09:12

I think you have done right thing. I know exactly where you are coming from as my dh is always busy living his life. He is out Tues,Wed,Fri evenings every week, going to pub,football practise etc. I do sometimes feel jealous as he seems to be living his life exactly the same as it was before ds came along-
eg He works full time, he still goes out.

I think for me its not so much the child care issue as ds is in bed when he is out, more the issue that I am expected to sit in.

I think you have got great patience! You need to sit and chat about how you feel. I had it out with my dh and I felt so much better for it! Good luck and dont worry about e mail.

emily05 · 08/08/2005 09:13

J&B - so glad you said that I was starting to worry that we are odd! I think if we didnt do it like that dh would never see ds.

Original poster
nailpolish · 08/08/2005 09:15

i know hes arrived at work because hes logged onto msn now

OP posts:
emily05 · 08/08/2005 09:17

NP - has he contacted you yet? I think that you need to have a proper chat with him - I dont think he realises how good he has got it.

gigglinggoblin · 08/08/2005 09:17

ive emailed dp at work before and it helped a lot. is a much better way to communicate than having a slanging match at home

Original poster
nailpolish · 08/08/2005 09:18

he hasnt - the worst thing he could do is ignore the e mail - which i have a feeling he will

OP posts:
emily05 · 08/08/2005 09:19

he might ignore it - but at least he knows how you feel and I bet he thinks about it during the day - which has got to be a good thing

MarsLady · 08/08/2005 09:20

nothing to reproach yourself for np. If he gives you any trouble I'll get my dh to tell him how easy he (you dh) has got it.

Lonelymum · 08/08/2005 09:20

nailpolish, you are not alone in having a dh who sees the children as "work". My dh does too. Perhaps that is because I talk about being constantly working during the week when I have the childcare to myself. The thing is though (and I don't think my dh reaslises this) I am not just talking about looking after the children but also doing the housework, cooking etc. But because I claim that is work, as valid as dh's paid job, he takes that to mean the childcare alone is work.

It would be lovely if I could have a dh who would take over the children at the w/e but the best I can hope for is that we share the time and tasks (which we do). I think that is all you would like from your dh and you are perfectly reasonable to expect that. I agree with others that the amount of socialising your dh has done in the last few days is equal to or exceeds the amount my dh does in a month (or, at bad times, 6 months! )

sobernow · 08/08/2005 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 08/08/2005 09:28

You're a nicer person than I am, nailpolish, cuz I would have gone mental on the man. Honestly.

If people want to down the pub till all hours they should remain childless. And if someone can't take their share of the load w/the kids, they don't deserve to have them.

Sorry, but I can't tolerate immature gits who feel like their 'rights' are being trampled on by their own kids b/c they can't just go and come as they please.

Original poster
nailpolish · 08/08/2005 09:29

his answer yesterday was that i should go out too with my friends! buts thats not what i want.

OP posts:
KemalsStilletto · 08/08/2005 09:30

too right nailpolish...he sounds like he's taking the piss. dont let him get away with it!

Original poster
nailpolish · 08/08/2005 09:35

his reply

i do understand looking after our children is a very tiring and stressful task. i also care for you. do you want me or just someone?

i agree last week i was out a lot for someone with a wife and 2 young children that are still utterly dependant on us both. over the weekends you are working i will try to take them out and spend time with them as i think this is part of what you want.

what i want is a happy family life at home and out and about. i love going out just me and you as well. i would like to go out with my friends to have a pint, play golf etc, once a week would be nice but its seems this is impossible.

see you tonight

*

x

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 08/08/2005 09:37

Awww well, that isn't too bad a reply is it? How do you feel about it?

emily05 · 08/08/2005 09:38

blimey! seems to have got him thinking. You should take him up on it now that he has realised. Take advantage of the offer of him taking the girls out.
Also could you get a babysitter so that you and him can go out on your own (me an dh do this 'date night' and is has worked well because you can talk with no distractions). This seems to be a big deal for him - which is a good sign that he wants time with you.
From what you said you are not saying he cant go out once a week - it seems like he is out more than that though?

Original poster
nailpolish · 08/08/2005 09:38

i wish he had apologised. im trying not to cry cos dd's are sitting on my knee. im so glad they cant read

OP posts:
emily05 · 08/08/2005 09:40

potentially I think what he has said is more than sorry. I think that he is realising that he is taking the piss (iyswim) and this is an olive branch.

Flossam · 08/08/2005 09:40

Oh, NP you poor thing he sounds like he is behaving like a spoilt brat at the moment dosen't he? It's horrible when they go into selfish me me me mode. Do you know what I would like to think I would do if I were you right now? get out of the house, go shopping, swimming, to the park, to a friends... Anything to take your mind off of everything and to get you away from the computer and the whole will he won't he stuff. He is in the wrong here, not you. Enjoy some time with your lovely daughters. Try not to worry. xxxx

Lonelymum · 08/08/2005 09:40

True, there is no apology there, but he seems to be thinking about what you would like, and anyway, an email apology isn't worth much. Much better if it is to your face. There is a kissat the bottom of that email, perhaps he is planning something nice for this evening!

Original poster
nailpolish · 08/08/2005 09:41

emily - we have such a blast when we go out the 2 of us. its what i love the most. we tried to do that saturday night, but i had to work in the end. my poor mum will have to be asked to babysit again. i am going to try and arrange something.

i was thinking of cooking him a nice meal tonight - for us tonight after the girls are in bed

what do you think?

OP posts:
Flossam · 08/08/2005 09:41

whoops, too late. Not an unpleasant message at least. Use that as the bricks for a good chat tonight. xx

Original poster
nailpolish · 08/08/2005 09:51

we are now having an msn convo - why cant he say these things to my face? "i realise i made a mistake" why couldnt he have said that yesterday

OP posts:
emily05 · 08/08/2005 09:56

I think he has now realised that he has pushed it too far and is regretting his actions - hence why it has taken him a bit of time (dh is like this - if he does something wrong it takes him at least 24 hours to realise I am always right )

The meal idea is great.