Partner does us to move in together

[Redfox]

Please any comments welcome. I have been in with my partner for 5 years, (I have a 8 year DS from another relationship)We don't live together and we live about 40 miles from each other but it has worked so far....we have seen a lot of each other, every weekend etc and go on holiday and in many ways it has been a happy equal relationship.

I was cautious in the beginning and the years / months have just slipped by and I vaguely thought that we would eventually move in together sometime.

However we have discussed it recently and he is happy with the way things are, he says that he does not it risk it not working!
He said he thought that we could move in together when ds is 18 (in 10 years time) and goes to univesity! I pointed out that ds may not go to university

I want us to build a life together on a more permanent basis as in many ways i feel I have two lifes / homes and want us to be together now. DS is 8 so change his school now rather than later.

Yes dp has been honest so he wants all the benefits of a relationship but none of the hassle/ happy for nothing to change

I am feeling pretty devastated and I suppose I have had an a light bulb moment....
do I want to continue with this relationship and try not to feel too much resentment or feel too much like a accessary which I have been feeling lately.

We have recently organised some mini breaks for over the summer and I feel like cancelling them and I am meant to going to france to a wedding of some frinds of his and I feel like not going with him.

I dont think I can change his mind or want to work on him to change his mind, I know him too well

Anyone else been in this situation?

.

kind of ...I suppose you either have to accept this arrangement wholeheartedly or move on

bump

Sorry, no exp or advice.

I haven't been in your situation but didn't want to leave this unanswered.

Not sure what to advise except that it sounds like your partner is being very unfair. Having a child with someone is not a part time commitment or a weekend hobby and it sounds like he needs a reality check.

I can't believe you've put up with that situation for so long.

Madonna, dp is not ds dad, ds sees his dad very regualarly so dp & I have had lots of time to spend together

what is dp's relationship history? does he have dc?

Redfox, hello, have you tried saying to him when you are talking that you think it would be a risk to your relationship to carry it on as it is (he is saying it would be a risk to change it)? Maybe you could try saying to him that you love him and want it to work but at the minute, the way it stands, you feel in limbo and would not want to continue in that pattern indefinitely or for 8 years (a long time).
Sorry if this is unhelpful.

OK I'm goign to sound shallow but my main gripe with this arrangement would be the fact that 40 miles apart means very infrequent sex afaic. That would be somethign I would be unhappy with.

I think you already know the answer to this. You want to move things on, he doesn't. This arrangement no longer meets your needs and you want to change it. He doesn't. How much is his presence in your life important to you? How important are you in his life? Would he find it unacceptable to live without you? You need to decide how acceptable or otherwise you find this arrangement and then act accordingly. If you give him an ultimatum, you may find that he realises that you are more important to him than not, otoh you may find he really doesn't want to live with you and take on that step-father role. Are you prepared to be single again, or is his presence in your life so necessary to you that you are prepared to accept this part time arrangement? I'm sure you're already thinking all this...

No not unhelpful Eeteresting & Ninah

I have told him and well we are still in discussion stages but he has said that he is a moral coward

He inherited his house and he has had many girlfriends/ lodgers over the years but not lived with anyone for a long time.

DP had not got children, he is 12 years older than me

I don't think he's a moral coward at all, quite the reverse. He is telling you that he doesn;t want to move in with you, rather than fannying around claiming he 'isn't ready'. Just because you don't agree with someone doesn't make them wrong.
If he is happy with the way things are and you aren't, then as others have said, you need to think about whether you would prefer him part time to not at all.
And do bear in mind that a relationship doesn't have to progress along a preordained track of dating-moving-in-marriage-breeding to be valid and enjoyable and life-enhancing.

he sounds a committment phobe and that is difficult to deal with
I was/am with someone for couple of years who is divorcing (long term separated)-
dc issues complicate in it our case
but once he had said he wasn't interested in moving things on I stopped taking the relationship seriously
if you want a full-time set up it will be hard, almost impossible for you not to feel resentful of a dp who does not
on the other hand, IS this really vital to you? i thought full time was what I wanted, but in reality having to make joint decisions and compromise would be hard for me

HerBeatitude, all questions I have been asking myself.

Actually somehow we have always managed to have plenty of sex ( have not felt like it since recent discussions)
I think I have always know that he would not for us to live together and I am not going go down the ultimatum route and he has been honest.
I like having him in my life but I want to move on, on one hand I think I must be mad to finish it but on the other hand I have to think of my son & my own futire

I dont want to be single either

this all sounds rather odd tbh esp after all this time
what makes it worse is that there's apparently v.little thought given to your poor ds and his needs/feelings in all of this
i know that i sound harsh but this man will never commit, end of, and will constantly move the goal posts accordingly to suit his needs/keep you dangling
that's ok if you're fine with the arrangement but you sound far from it
if i were you i'd have run a long time ago

to be fair he said he would be ready in 10 years time

The man you refer to as DP is not really your partner is he? He is your boy friend. Partnership implies shared responsibilities, bills and committments. Sounds like he does not want to be a 'family' with you and your son, whereas you do want this. At least he has been honest and is not stringing you along with 'maybe after the summer/next year' semi-promises.

You now know the situation and have to choose whether you want to continue in this way or call it a day and be free to look for someone who does want a long term, close partnership, maybe even children?

As a first step you could try cooling down your friendship to a much more casual relationship, having other things planned for some weekends and not always being available e.g. for being his escort to his friends wedding. If there is any real feeling there he will miss you and fight to get you back - if he does not, then it was fun while it lasted.

as sgb said there's nothing wrong with not doing the living together/marriage bit if that's what suits both parts of the couple but this is clearly not what you want,if he can't give you this then i really think that it's best to call it a day esp.after this length of time and primarily for the sake of ds
life is too short after all

yes Solidgold- always enjoyed your posts in other subjects)and thats what he is worried about, not have the happy living together part, that does not worry me though

My sister says I should have a time limit in my head - 3 / 6 / 9 months and see how I feel
I need to get over my resentment and if I want him part time or not at all

Also i am thinking about my housing situation, curently renting but really will nnever be able to afford my own home and want to feel more settled

5 years is long enough surely?
as for housing situation that is a separate matter - because he has a house is NOT a good reason to move into it in fact this would be a bad move
the only way you should consider living with him is if you both want to and you take on a place equally
I don't quite see how having a bf as opposed to dp/dh would be detrimental to ds actually

Thanks everyone, comments good, my heart is heavy as I type this and yes moving in because of a house is not the right reason

DS sees his father every 2 weekend so I will spend it at DP place and the weekend I have DS, DP comes over to me mostly so DS has good male roles and he met him when he was 2

I dont feel I have wasted 5 years as they have been happy but I suppose I have been in denial about him not wanting to move in

Granny23, the advice in your last pharagraph, I was thinking something along the same lines, being digified and not handing out ultimatums

It sounds as if maybe he doesn't want the commitment of being a stepfather, as he is talking about moving in with you when your ds leaves home. Maybe he just doesn't want to share his home with a child? Which is fair enough, but you may decide that you want a different kind of relationship. I would if I were you.

I wouldn't bother. If he wanted to live with you, he would. the fact that he isn't simply says that he doesn't wanyt to.

Even if you could make him move in with you, he still wouldn't want to - is that what you want?

You are an accessory, my lovely. And he doesn't want your son

Christ just spotted the typo / missing words in the title, I was tired last night

I dont know what I will do yet, I feel more resolved today somehow,

Yes I have been accessory..dp have said ' i love you but I am not making you happy ..'

I feel he means take me or leave me..

red you are brave to face up to this but you are right to
granny's advice is spot on
in fact i kind followed what she says in last para in my 'relationship' and atm am doing what suits me and me alone - I am now of a mind that I wouldn't want him full time in any case, whereas he has become quite keen ...
you aren't happy now, though, are you? and he sounds quite unphased by that
phase him out, bit by bit and you will find your life fills up with other things (reflects guiltily on bad ebay habit)

I would love to live in a situation like this, but I am aware that I'm quite strange!

If you and you DP had agreed from the beginning that you would always maintain seperate houses, at least you would have been able to decide whether or not to get into the relationship.

He has not been honest with you, this would be the deal-breaker for me.

Could you take the weekend when your son is with his dad and spend it at home on your own, use this time to think about what you want from the future. Maybe spending a weekend without you might make him do some thinking as well.

Hope everything works out for you xx

Ninah, I suppose its about my own self respect too. I may love him but my overiding feeling is resentment at the moment
and I am trying to see beyond that and work out what I what

He is meant to be coming over this sunday, sisters birthday, (you know, nice food & wine, he likes my brother in law,) and as its half term next week and I am not working, DS & I were meant to going back with him for a couple of days.

I am undecided if I want to spend some time at his house but I want to sort / pick up some things I have left there without him realising, phase him out bit by bit ( i feel I am being sneaky now)

But I have decided that I am not going to France with him to his friends wedding with him in June

His last words on the phone the other night was 'to phone him on friday if I wanted too' placing the emphasis on me