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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner does us to move in together

35 replies

Redfox · 27/05/2010 22:50

Please any comments welcome. I have been in with my partner for 5 years, (I have a 8 year DS from another relationship)We don't live together and we live about 40 miles from each other but it has worked so far....we have seen a lot of each other, every weekend etc and go on holiday and in many ways it has been a happy equal relationship.

I was cautious in the beginning and the years / months have just slipped by and I vaguely thought that we would eventually move in together sometime.

However we have discussed it recently and he is happy with the way things are, he says that he does not it risk it not working!
He said he thought that we could move in together when ds is 18 (in 10 years time) and goes to univesity! I pointed out that ds may not go to university

I want us to build a life together on a more permanent basis as in many ways i feel I have two lifes / homes and want us to be together now. DS is 8 so change his school now rather than later.

Yes dp has been honest so he wants all the benefits of a relationship but none of the hassle/ happy for nothing to change

I am feeling pretty devastated and I suppose I have had an a light bulb moment....
do I want to continue with this relationship and try not to feel too much resentment or feel too much like a accessary which I have been feeling lately.

We have recently organised some mini breaks for over the summer and I feel like cancelling them and I am meant to going to france to a wedding of some frinds of his and I feel like not going with him.

I dont think I can change his mind or want to work on him to change his mind, I know him too well

Anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 28/05/2010 09:49

Sounds like he wants you & not your ds.

Can you live with a man like that?

marantha · 28/05/2010 14:56

There is a few things to consider here.

Is it a case of him loving YOU dearly but not wanting to live with you?
Or is it a case of him waiting for someone else to come along?

If it is the former, then you have to ask yourself: will you be content with this. If not, you have to break things off. You know this deep down.

If it's a case of him waiting for someone else to come along with whom he'd marry if his feelings were strong enough, then obviously you've got to get out of the relationship now.

If, however, you mean the world to him and he to you, why not embrace the happiness that you have together? A lot of people are very happy in a living-apart-together set-up.

Who wants to live with someone if it's not meant to be for life and it's a bit half-hearted anyway? A temporary arrangement like that works for young people but not people with children who are a bit older.

Original poster

Redfox · 28/05/2010 20:19

I pretty sure that DP is not waiting for someone else to come along and I am not

I dont think I could bear it if he was with someone else.

I have found this thread helpful, thank you

I think he does like my son but is just as happy to see him as not to see him, if that makes sense

I am also trying to think strategically today to help the fog in my head at the moment..... I am going to give myself a time limit

I have not felt so resentful today but dont know if I would be happy in a living-apart-together set-up indefinately...

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 28/05/2010 20:25

Red...i'm in a similar situation...but we have a child together. he lives 40 miles away,see him weekend or some eves....i have 4 other dc and i'm beginnning to question what i want

FakePlasticTrees · 28/05/2010 20:41

I agree with differentnameforthis - he's basically said he only wants to move in with you when he doesn't have to be a stepdad as well as a partner.

You need to decide if you can live with that.

zipzap · 28/05/2010 22:07

Do you think that he is worried that, having inherited his house, if you move in and take the relationship further (with or without getting married) and that at some point down the line you end up splitting up, his house will be seen as a shared asset that he has to sell to give you money from it, thereby making it difficult for him to stay in his home (which if it is inherited he might be attached to emotionally, or might just be attached to it because he wants to keep it all for himself)

Also do you think he likes 'being single' on the days he doesn't see you - whether or not he has somebody else in the picture now (sorry, don't want to be suggesting something if it is not likely to be true) the fact he is at home alone for a number of days a month he would if he should chose to work another relationship easily around it.

if he is used to living by himself he may well just like that feeling of only having to do what he wants to do and when he wants to do it, it's nice seeing you and having benefits of having a partner but at the same time this way he gets to pootle around his own home as he wants in a way that I don't think you ever can if there is somebody else living there (be it lodger, partner, child, etc)

how easy would you find it if you did split up to go and meet other people to at least have a chance of having another relationship?

hope you manage to sort things out for yourself...

Original poster

Redfox · 28/05/2010 22:31

We had a talk tonight and he says that DS is very much my son and often he feel excluded when 3 of us are together. I am surprised by this, but I can try and modify my parenting to include him (which I thought I was) He said that he thought there would be too tension for all of us together when he comes in tired after work etc. I said that this was not a good reflection on us as a couple to work things through / compromise / discuss

Zipzap, we have talked about this, I would have no claim to his house, he is not concerned re his house, I would have to have lived with x number of years and contributed to the mortage etc

But yes he is stickler for routines and likes doing things when he likes doing them etc

IloveT - how do you manage?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 28/05/2010 22:35

i manage because after an abusive relationship i want my own space still....also,i have 4 dc as well as our ds. they are older,and yes,i guess it would be problems ahead if he lived here....which i dont want...i prefer to be independent,and put my dc first

differentnameforthis · 29/05/2010 00:11

I am sorry Red, but your last post has done nothing to change my mind. He should know that he will come 2nd to your child...and if he feels excluded when your son is with you, maybe HE isn't making an effort to feel included.

Really, you can't be in 2 places at once & your son is your priority, he either understands that, or he doesn't.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/05/2010 01:05

I can sympathise with this man a bit as I have never wanted to live with a partner and have been lucky enough never to have had to. Some of us really, really like having our own space.
However, if you're not happy, that doesn't mean you should just suck it up and smile. But the decision you have to make is whether you'd rather have him part time, or rather move on and find someone who does want a living-together relationship. Trying to coax or force him into moving in together is a bad idea - not only is it going to backfire as every time you row he will use the 'I didn't want us to move in together anyway and now look at us!' card, but it's actually a bit unethical to insist that a partner changes his/her life to fit in with your wishes when s/he doesn't want to change.

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