Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and tension with friends (sorry long)

35 replies

hillbilly · 27/05/2010 19:53

I think my dh has unrealisticly high expectations of people and because of this is constantly disappointed in them. Over the years he has (silently) fallen out with at least 4 people (what I mean by silently is that he has never addressed the issues with them). In his opinion they have each offended him or been rude to him.

He is very upset with me because he thinks I am not on his side. I have remained friends with the people in question but it has been very difficult given that I have to make excuse for dh not being present at dinners, drinks etc.

I am on his side but think he is over reacting to these situations. Given that he says about himself that he "likes to talk about issues and get them resolved", he has not done this with any of these people except with one under duress when I pushed him to.

A couple of these people are friends we have met since having kids, another is a friend of about 9 years and another is family. I just don't know what to do. I love him but am finding this constant tension very difficult to deal with.

OP posts:
ChocolatePants · 27/05/2010 19:55

Has he discussed with you what has been the problem?

Original poster
hillbilly · 27/05/2010 20:03

Yes he has.

First case - he felt female friend had ignored him on various occasions. I kind of forced the situation for them to talk and friend says it was a misunderstanding and she felt judged by him blah blah anyway superficially resolved.

Second case: family member he did some business with who behaved very slyly (I agree about this) - this was 2 years ago and it has become very uncomfortable with them but he won't discuss it with him.

Third case - husband of first case (!!) - says he ignored him at a dinner party and generally.

Fourth case - old female friend of both of us - he suggested some business together and did some groundwork - she never really followed it up but was in very stressful full time job at time. This is about 3 years ago and was followed by us not seeing her for ages because I did not feel I could invite her round with this lack of enthusiasm from DH. She used to practically live at our house!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/05/2010 20:06

He sounds like a child

sorry

I would not be making excuses for him

I would let the full spotlight of his sulks and strops shine on him

Dissociate yourself from them...if he wants to fall out with people, let him get on with it

But it doesn't mean you have to ruin your friendships too

Thediaryofanobody · 27/05/2010 20:13

He sounds very childish, he certainly likes to hold a grudge. I would make it clear to him this is his problem not yours and he has to stop involving you in it.
I would also in future not socialise with him and not bring new friends into a mutual friendship so he doesn't damage them with his behavior.

The last situation with a long term friend of yours actually sounds very controlling almost like he is nit picking in order push your friends away.

Or he is maybe a bit social awkward and maybe just picks up on things wrong?

Either way it's HIS problem not yours you must make him see that at least.

Original poster
hillbilly · 27/05/2010 20:14

AF - what do you mean by "dissociate from them"? Do you mean from my friends?

He says if anyone was disrespectful to me he would have nothing to do with them anymore. So he thinks I am being disloyal. However I really think he is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
hillbilly · 27/05/2010 20:17

Thediary - the long term friend is someone we met together and I always loved it that she was "our" friend whereas most female friends are predominantly my friends.

He is not socially awkward at all - in fact just the opposite but I would bdefinitely say he picks things up wrong.

OP posts:
ChocolatePants · 27/05/2010 20:17

It does sound like HE is the one with the problem...but it's how to sort OUT the problem that you are thinking of...

Certainly it sounds like he holds petty grudges- but why- hmm, more background needed (I used to be a socal worker pre-kids and I always find peoples background are useful/insightful)

Is he a good partner and parent aside from the grudge thiong with friends?

JaxTellersOldLady · 27/05/2010 20:17

I think your husband is being incredibly unreasonable and sulky. I think AF meant disassociate from your husband problem with your friends and your friendships (iyswim)

I also think he is being rather over sensitive. How can something be resolved if he doesnt discuss it with whoever he perceives to have wronged him?

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 27/05/2010 20:18

Hi hillbilly,

You DH sounds like he has issues with self esteem if he feels easily slighted, or can't let go. Perhaps he feels their behaviour is a reflection of him ? he might feel if he is ignored he must be unimportant ? and his ongoing anger is a way of rebelling against this idea.

Perhaps discuss that with him?

ChocolatePants · 27/05/2010 20:18

Sorry have just read other posts- so how specifically does he pick up things wrong, or misinterpret?

AnyFucker · 27/05/2010 20:19

no...dissociate yourself from his strops

and carry on regardless, don't let him ruin your friendships

you might need them, somewhere along the line

ChocolatePants · 27/05/2010 20:20

It obviously means a lot that you are 'loyal' to him- where does this come from?

ChocolatePants · 27/05/2010 20:21

Agree you should dissociate (sp? argh) with AF

Original poster
hillbilly · 27/05/2010 20:26

He really resents the fact that I pushed for a resolution over friend 1. So even if it is ok superficially he still holds a grudge. That is nearly a year ago btw.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/05/2010 20:29

what a baby

Original poster
hillbilly · 27/05/2010 20:35

Yes chocolatepants - I really do want this to be sorted out - he is a great husband and wonderful father to our 2 dc's. This issue has probably run from the beginning of our relationship when he organised a fabulous suprise birthday get together for me and emailed everyone with details and I found out later he got very pissed off with some people who were not quick enough in committing to it.

He is what is known as an "activist" personality and makes things happen very quickly - in his business I mean.

So how does he misinterpret? - well for example case 1 the female friend of ours - she for some reason felt judged by him and subconsciously behaved awkwardly around him. He took this to be ignoring him. Her husband may not have really talked to him at dinner at theirs recently which I agree is rude but not unforgivable. Case 4 - she did not email him back about the business plan which she should have done but it could have been sorted with a simple conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
hillbilly · 27/05/2010 20:37

CP - being loyal to him as in we are married and should be a team - he says he feels like I am always on the other team.

OP posts:
Original poster
hillbilly · 27/05/2010 20:41

CP - background - he had wonderful mother now deceased, terrible relationship with father who is still alive (he used to treat his mum v badly and they divorced when he was a late teen). 1 sister estranged, 1 sister very close.

He has a good circle of friends although recently he has moaned a lot about them too (they are my friends too since we have been together, some with some without kids).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/05/2010 20:55

you can still be loyal while refusing to pander to his ridiculous tantrums

don't discuss them

with him...nor with the objects of his derision (your friends)

that is still loyalty

let him stew in his own self-righteousness (it must be rather cold and lonely up there on his self-imposed pedestal...)

Original poster
hillbilly · 27/05/2010 21:12

He says he can't believe that I am still seeing friends 1 & 3 (the couple) after they have been so rude to him. In fact he's so pissed off that I took the kids camping with them and some other friends at the weekend because he had something else on and hates camping.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 28/05/2010 00:21

Is he 12? what an eejit....

I'd be laughing my socks off at him....

SolidGoldBrass · 28/05/2010 01:03

Are you sure he's lovely in other ways? TBH I would be wary ofa man like this. I wonder if he's a bit keen to isolate you from other people (does he ever come out with crap along the lines of how a couple should be everythingto each other and not really need anyone else?)
He may just have an ego the size of a planet of course, but I think you should probably tell him to get over himself and don't apologise for him - just carry on seeing the people you want to see.

Original poster
hillbilly · 28/05/2010 06:04

No SGB he doesn't say things like that and yes he is lovely in other ways but this is definitely an issue that has been running a long time.

OP posts:
TheBride · 28/05/2010 06:40

Just another perspective -

Some people who are "activist" can come across as pushy to other people and can sometimes ignore "back off" signals. So what might have been a polite "yeah, well maybe" from your friend re business proposition was misinterpreted by your husband as a "set the ball rolling". I have had this happen to me a couple of times - once when "i'll think about it" re joining a start up was interpreted as "I'll definitely come for a formal interview".

It also sounds as though he has quite a sense of his own importance if he is keeping notes on who is speaking to him at parties and getting angry with people for not committing to his social requests within his designated timeframe.

Ignore this behaviour. You are not being disloyal. You are just keeping your reactions proportionate whereas he is not.

DixieD · 28/05/2010 08:14

My goodness he sounds like people I used to go to school with - is he a teenage girl by any chance?
What ludicrious behaviour. She didn't talk to me/ respond to my e mail......god grow up.
We can all find reasons to fall out with people if we look hard enough but really you do have to let some things go. It sounds like he is looking for resons to get annoyed with people and is nurturing and relishing these reasons once he finds them. How self indulgent and unpleasant.
I really wouldn't stand for it. Life is hard enough without taking on someone elses silly grudges.