stoping my db from seeing dc and bad relations with my parents

[saintmom]

dont even know where to start with all of this,

in early jan me and dh spent a lovely weekend with my db and his girlfriend, i phoned to say thankyou on the monday morning and he flipped out at me.
Me and dh have 2 dc both autusric, db said theres no such thing as autism and its my bad parenting

he said lots of other nasty stuff as well, since then as they live in london ive avoided them that was untill april and my mom told him the reason why, my mom and dad had sided with my db over it all as hes was the first born they think he can do nothing wrong.

This has been esculating for weeks it was ds birthday yesterday so on tuesday me and dh went shopping for it, as we were out i had the most horrid text of him saying i will never stop him fromseeing the dc and he will see them and im fucking low

the reason we dont want him to see them is if he cant accept/understand their autism and the suff hes said its unforgivable.

i phoned him on tuesday night to try and sort this out for my mom and dads sake as they were telling me to apologise for it all, when i phoned him he said more awful stuff he said ds2 shouldnt have been born as we allready knew the risk of having another child with autism.
for me that was the final straw.

he denied this to my parents and they have belived him, i over heard a conversation my dad had on his mobile yesterday at ds birthday party and the weekend they boys were going to sleep at theirs basicly they were going to let db see them at theres behind my back.

i then had a massive row with my parents and they have told me im basicly being a bitch and need to apologise to db.

ive had my first nose bleed (im 29)dh said its prob due to high blood pressure

ive written my parents a letter today outlining why im upset over itall.

ive outlined in the letter that the boys will no longer being to their house and they can see them once a week here as i just cant trust them.

So am i over reacting? should i apologise and should i give them the letter?

No, you're not over-reacting and no, you don't need to apologise.

Saintmum,

Just so you know I am male, so my opinions may not really count. I am sure other more wisely people will be along soon

I do not think you are NOT over reacting at all. Your children are your precious jewels and you are their protector.
I think that you, your OH and your boys are all the family you need at the moment. If your brother cannot see the boys have enough of a problem without him creating more, as well as your parents giving you grief, then I think you can manage very well without them.
And as for your parents allowing your brother to see the boys behind your back, well the beggars belief.

Good luck

That really makes my blood boil. Who is is your db to judge not only you and your parenting but to also be completely and utterly ignorant and your parents don't sound much better tbh. Have your parents always taken your db's side on anything that he says' does?

I find it strange that he just flipped straight after that weekend. Do you think there were any triggers? How was with your DC's before this all blew up?

I wish I could add something more constructive but I do really feel for you and I think you have handled it all really well so far.

thanks for the replies

Ezma ever since i was born everythings been about him, my grandada was besotted with him and never gave me a look in, through out our child hood he got away with murder, i think i started noticing it though when i was a teenager my db is 32 now, but he smokes the ilegal stuff and my parents used to let him do it at home, when he was 17 and passed his driving test he had £6000 car brought him from my partents and grandad after 2 weeks he writ it off he never got told of for it or punished in fact they all hlped him get a new one.

through out life hes allways been like this he has a very important job and got drug tested the other month and got the sack because of the results, if i have to describe him i tell people grant mitchell from eastenders, same aggressive attitude and also looks like him.

he does nothing for my parents, every christmas we have them to stay christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day, they are completely involved with the boys, i would never do rest bite so they have them once a month over night plus many other things.

db on the other hand has now been living in london for 9 months now and not once has invited our parents down to visit, he will come back where we live once a month and sometimes they dont even see him as hes only come to see his mates, my mom had an op the other month and he didnt even bother to phone how she was.

they cant ask him stuff have a normal conversation as he says its intruding his privacy.

regarding the dc he will play with them buy them stuff but the moment thay have a meltdown he will storm off he cant take it.

I wouldn´t be seeing brother or parents tbh.

I wouldn´t send letter & I certainly wouldn´t apologise.

I would just ignore until they can be civil/sensible.

So sorry your brother is a twat, he seems to get it from your parents, you on the other hand seem lovely and normal, are you sure this family did not adopt you??

I think you need to post the letter to your parents and one to you brother, outlining how hurt you are by his stupidity.

DH1s sister said we should have drown our children at birth as DS1 is SN.
From the day she said that she has been dead to us, we have nothing to do with the sad fat bitch woman

MadamDeathStare done that already this morning as i said to dh wouldnt put it past them espessially him.

Runawaywife, so sorry to hear that i dont know who thses people think they are saying who has the right to have a life and who doesnt

You do not need to apologise at all to these vile people.

You also do not need these toxic parents or your enabled by them brother in your life.

You can live well and be happy without their toxic prescence in it.

Sorry Saintmum,

meant that I think you are NOT over reacting

ds1 has lots of anxiety, esspesially going out and about to places socialising, db has said this is down to me as i dont do enough for him, also i should take ds2 to the park (thats a 30 min walk away thats also known for muggins) every day or else he we be worse than ds1 and that will be my fault as im a bad parent.
he also said when he has kids he will be far more better parent than me so i told him i hope to god for the childs sake that they arent autustic as what autistic child would stand a chance with him as a parent.

he thinks when they have a melt down its them being spoilt.

should add ds2 is 3 next week and has hardly any language at present, has learnt some sign language from something special and db said thats because i dont communicate enough with ds2.

Writing the letter is a great way of getting it all of your system but I agree with some of the other posters and don't post it. It will only give them ammunition as it sounds that they will take anything and manipulate it to suit themselves. The next you know, they will be martyrs and will have gained everyone's sympathy in having to deal with you. I would just shut down contact with what sounds like a really toxic family until they sort out their issues. They are the ones that have serious problems, not you and certainly not your DC. Put all your energy into your DC, much more positive and if you ever need to vent about them there's always MN or just writing another letter to them all but burning it instead of posting it (preferably whilst drinking a large glass of wine ).

ive got the doctors in a bit dh thinks i should go as im on antidepresents allready

You are not overreacting, you seem to be reacting brilliantly actually, calm, emasured decision.
They are being idiots, I am so sorry.

saintmom.

Your Brother sounds very like my ex h and also the way that his parents deal with him. Right down to the stuff he says to you about it being your fault.

My ds also has autism - High Functioning and it is generally agreed amongst me and ex h's sisters that ex h probably has HFA too and this is why he has such a fixed outlook and behaves the way he does. Do you think this could be a possibility, your not so D B having it I mean.

Do warn him won't you that there is much evidence to suggest that autism runs in familys and there is a possibility that his child may have it too.

You poor woman. I'm amazed that your parents have taken his side but then it seems like they're in awe or scared of him.

You are not to blame for this and you have every right to stop your parents from seeing your children if they can't respect your decisions.

just got back grom doctors and he has upped my dose of anti depressants.

i have put the letter through their door with a massive slice of birthday cake for each of them, my mom should be back from work now and hasnt phoned my dad works afternoons. really felt i should post the letter as i was able to get all down on paper the way i wanted to with out them interupting me and losing thought.

the doctor i see also sees my mom, i broke down crying and he was really shocked at what my mom is doing.

You DB has no rights to see either them or you. You've done nothing wrong here, so don't let your parents or "d"b make you feel that way.

you could get hold of some information about autism and send it to them?
whatever happens as a result of your letter, they need to accept dcs' diagnoses and support you as a family, or back off if they cannot give you that.