stoping my db from seeing dc and bad relations with my parents

[saintmom]

dont even know where to start with all of this,

in early jan me and dh spent a lovely weekend with my db and his girlfriend, i phoned to say thankyou on the monday morning and he flipped out at me.
Me and dh have 2 dc both autusric, db said theres no such thing as autism and its my bad parenting

he said lots of other nasty stuff as well, since then as they live in london ive avoided them that was untill april and my mom told him the reason why, my mom and dad had sided with my db over it all as hes was the first born they think he can do nothing wrong.

This has been esculating for weeks it was ds birthday yesterday so on tuesday me and dh went shopping for it, as we were out i had the most horrid text of him saying i will never stop him fromseeing the dc and he will see them and im fucking low

the reason we dont want him to see them is if he cant accept/understand their autism and the suff hes said its unforgivable.

i phoned him on tuesday night to try and sort this out for my mom and dads sake as they were telling me to apologise for it all, when i phoned him he said more awful stuff he said ds2 shouldnt have been born as we allready knew the risk of having another child with autism.
for me that was the final straw.

he denied this to my parents and they have belived him, i over heard a conversation my dad had on his mobile yesterday at ds birthday party and the weekend they boys were going to sleep at theirs basicly they were going to let db see them at theres behind my back.

i then had a massive row with my parents and they have told me im basicly being a bitch and need to apologise to db.

ive had my first nose bleed (im 29)dh said its prob due to high blood pressure

ive written my parents a letter today outlining why im upset over itall.

ive outlined in the letter that the boys will no longer being to their house and they can see them once a week here as i just cant trust them.

So am i over reacting? should i apologise and should i give them the letter?

I don't think that you should try to educate them about autism. That's not your responsibility, and it will put you on the back foot, trying to justify yourself and why you think that your children fit this symptom or that symptom.

Don't engage with your brother at all. Sounds like you'll be happier for it. And your parents have to earn back your trust, as taking your brothers side means that they are endorsing his views on your parenting. You can't trust people who don't believe in autism to look after your autistic children!

fell emotionly drained

my mom didnt phone me till late last night, she said they dont support what hes done but think im taking to far by not letting him see the children, thinks its not fair on them to suffer, they just dont get that he has these views on autism and my children are autistic so why would i let him see them.

they are upset that i put db bday card to ds1 in the bin thought it was mean of me, my mom said what if there was money in there i said dont worry i checked for that, she said i guess you would of put the money in the bin as well then, i replied no i would of donated it to the National autistic Society to make 1% amend for what hes said as what he said stands for every autistic person in the world!!

Your dc won't suffer from NOT being around someone who has these views on their autism. Recently ex and I have had to prevent our dc from visiting a family member who also feels the way your db does about autism (my ds has it). Whenever ds was going over this family member was being super strict with him as they believe also that it is bad, inconsistent parenting that has caused it. This is course was making ds stressed and fearful, he couldn't process it and was acting out even more. Now ds doesn't go over there, problem solved.

Your Mum and Dad, like most parents don't like anything that rocks the family boat so to speak, especially if your doughnut brother is golden bollocks and they will be trying to manipulate things back to the status quo that they feel comfortable with.

You need to hold on to the fact that is your brothers prejudices and ill informed views that have caused this situation entirely because I suspect that you will find more and more blame being shoved your way as this situation continues.

I find this all a bit odd.

Your DB is really keen to see your children and be part of their lives. Surely the more familiar he is with them, the more he will learn about autism and hopefully come to understand it a little. AS they get older it will become more and more apparent that their behavior is not 'naughty' or as a result of bad parenting, but is quite different to other children.

He is never going to learn if you all stay away.

I vote for giving them a chance to be part of all of your lives.

Greenshadow - If he doesn't have the basic respect for saintmom to not abuse her over her parenting and her children's autism then however enthusiastic he may claim to be about being part of their lives, then he is not going to provide a positive influence on them.

He has repeatedly been foul to saintmom and said that he thinks her second child shouldn't have been born. This doesn't sound like someone keen to be part of their lives, it sounds like he wants to dominate their lives to prove his convictions about how autism doesn't exist. I don't believe it is her responsibility to educate him, it's HIS responsibility to educate himself then come back and apologise if he wants a relationship with any of them.

Never mind bout what he wants.

I can´t see that the children would get anything out of a relationship so imo there´s no point.

hi all, well hes down for the weekend, my parents went out with them last night for a nice cosy meal bet i can guess what the favorite topic was.

i had no phone calls yesterday of my parents as i suspected as they were devoted to him being down.

Just spoken to my mom and brother has left 3 bags full of toys r us stuff for ds 2 birthday next week, told her to give it to the childrens hospital.

also he sent me another nasty text yesterday afternoon saying once again that im breaking the family up and im pushing my parents away and that i will regret it all, so going out shopping in abit and going to a mobile phone place to have my mobile unlocked so i can change network and change my number so he cant text me anymore.

I've been through something similar, although with a different relative. Things I've learnt from the experience are:

• This isn't so much about the actual autism as it is about keeping you in your place within the family. Becoming a mother has, in the eyes of society, given you a more 'elevated' status. Telling you that you are a bad parent is their way of making sure you don't get too big for your boots. I was/am apparently "a terrible mother" because my children with autism didn't/couldn't talk and didn't behave like NT children.

• Even if your children were absolutely perfectly behaved 100% of the time and had no SN, your brother would still be saying the same thing. And as he is the family's golden boy your parents would still be backing him up.

• Keeping your distance from him and refusing to let your parents draw you into it all will be difficult at first but eventually you will realise that your stress levels have dropped considerably. You won't have to put up with the nasty comments and criticism and you won't be permanently on edge.

Remember that it's not your actions that are supposedly breaking up the family. It's your brother's inability to keep his nasty comments and opinions to himself and your parents' belief that the sun shines out of his backside.

Sending them information about autism will only help if the other person is relatively open-minded. I lent out books about autism but they went unread. People like that will only see what they want to see.

Best of luck with it all, Saintmom. I think you're doing the right thing in setting your boundaries now. What your brother wants is less important than what your children need.

I agree that you are doing the right thing.

He has insulted you & your children & has therefore forfeited a relationship with you/them for as long as that continues.