Are things changing now that I am married!?

[hmmjustwondering]

Hi ? I have name changed for this.

I am recently married and have some concerns about my DH?s slightly clingy behaviour.

He has never been particularly keen on me going out on work events without him. A couple of weeks ago there was a weekday night out with work which I had tickets for. DH did say he wasn?t keen on me going but I said I would make I sure I wasn?t late etc and had already bought the ticket so would go this time. Anyway, the evening I was supposed to go, he asked me why I had agreed to go when I knew he didn?t like it. Anyway, long story short I ended up texting to say I didn?t feel well, and didn?t go.

Since then there have been a couple of other times when I feel ever so slightly bullied. For example this week he wanted me to phone in sick as he had a day off work. I?m not the sort of person to phone in sick for no reason. But he was so adamant that I should want to spend the day with him as it is rare we get any time alone. So I phoned in sick, and was quite stroppy for the next couple of house. But ended up having a nice day.

And finally, his DD lives a long drive away from us (6 hours) so we see her once a month normally for a weekend plus longer over the holidays. My DD has a lot going on over the next few weeks which means I cannot make it to visit his DD for a while. I would like DH to just this once go on his own but he completely refuses to do this insisting that either he won?t see his DD for approximately 3 months (way to long for her), or that I re-arrange my DD?s plans and go with him. I have really looked hard at the calendar and there is nothing I can easily arrange on this occasion. I would normally never expect him to go on his own but just this once it is the sensible thing to do?

These things are not big in the scheme of things, I realise that - but they only seem to have come to light since we have been married and I am wondering whether this is a sign of things to come?! Anyone else had similar experiences??

Oh man, alarm bells ringing all over the place here. He sounds incredibly controlling and sulky as well as totally unreasonable and inflexible.

Knowing what I know now, I would get out while you can or take some pretty decisive action to nip it in the bud immediately through counselling or trial separation.

Why are you meant to arrange your life around his?

Surely his daughter is the most important person to him, and he'd move heaven and earth to go see her especially as he sees so little of her, regardless of whether you can accompany him or not, surely it would be nice for him and his dd to have one on one time together?

You do relise if you keep calling in sick to fit in with his days off you could lose your job right, or be pulled up about it, which would be very embarrassing.

How old are you and how old are the DDs in question?.

Slightly clingy behaviour, hmm. My guess is he was controlling you albeit subtlely (so that you did not properly notice) before you got married as well. I would read Lundy Bancroft's book called "Why does he do that?". You will likely find your H within those pages.

You need to be wary - controlling men are often angry men too.

As for counselling you may want to attend that on your own. Joint counselling is not a good idea at all when control is an issue as it can further justify the abuse in their own minds.

AS for these men, they do not change. If anything the control will now ratchet upwards to your emotional cost.

Oh dear - those are not good signs, it all sounds like pretty controlling/insecure behaviour. You are right that they seem like little things, but it's when they all add up together that you just feel something is not quite right. My XP definitely did the work/out with my friends thing - he'd act fine about me going, even agree to look after DS, and then get all moody about it the closer it got, and eventually either letting me down with the childcare at the last minute or ending up being so moody/angsty about it that I didn't go.

Have you tried telling him how his behaviour makes you feel? How does he react to that?

Yes.

Nip this in the bud now, tell him he is being f*ing ridiculous and that children come first - your DD and his. Up to him if he's going to get funny about seeing his, but you most definitely should see yours. Do not let him get away with this "clingy" behaviour - it's not love, it's not even insecurity, it's control. Either it ends now, or it gets worse. I don't know you, I don't know your DP, but I know the script, and believe me, he's read it. And for god's sake don't let him guilt trip you into risking your employment by throwing a sickie again. Once you're stuck at home and financially dependent on him, just see how much worse it can get...

Sounds melodramatic I know, and I'm sorry, but I'm right. Trust me.

XPosted with everyone, DS was climbing on me!

OP does your DH get jealous easily as well, by any chance?

I hate to be a harbinger of doom, but this is only going to get worse, not better. You definitely don't want to be posting on here in 4 years time, financially dependent on him, with maybe another DC, unable to leave and not sure of your own mind because he's been twisting it for so long.

Agree with everyone, kill this behaviour now. The more you give the more he will take until your whole life revolves around him.

Agree with the others to highlight this behaviour now and nip it in the bud. It can only get worse.

What difference does it make now that you're married, I'm sure you wouldn't have tolerated it before either.

If you buy into this by even a millimetre will get worse and worse. I promise you that.

A lot of abuse escalates when there is a big life change like marriage or pregnancy etc and the man feels like he has "got" the woman.

Nip it in the bud immediately.

"These things are not big in the scheme of things"

Oh yes they are!! That's why this behaviour is so insidious - you are supposed to think you will be overreacting if you really call him on it so it goes on and on and gets worse and worse.

He thinks he has you trapped now you are married and he can finally be the real him.

Nip it in the bud VERY QUICKLY or you will end up second guessing yourself six months down the line when you have been isolated from the outside world and are not allowed to leave the house without him and are wondering if its really that bad.

Agree totally with Anniegetyourgun and Msboogies advice. I too would suggest a no nonsense, firm even piss taking approach to his nonsense.

I speak with hindsight and 8 wasted years crying nearly every day btw.

Hi ? thank you all for replying ? sorry to have gone quiet ? had to go to a meeting?

I have been really surprised to hear all the responses as I expected (hoping?!) to get told it isn?t a big deal. I need to think carefully about how to address this before it gets worse.

To be fair, I haven't explained how this behaviour makes me feel so I need to do that...

Just avoided his phone call... need to think!!

Shimmery can I ask - are you no longer with the person?

Annie thanks for the c. I have no intention of risking my employment - which ahs always been important to me - but I do take heed of your warning.

Several of you mentioned his DD and how she should be the priority and I agree - this is something I cannot understand. Nothing on this earth would stop me from seeing my DD ? as much as possible. He gets upset when he says goodbye and is always talking about her ? I just can?t understand why he is not taking every opportunity to see her? very strange.

Hi. No, it's not okay and yes, these signs are very bad. Did you feel he pushed (albeit subtly, perhaps) into marriage? Have you talked to his ex; what does she say about being with him?

IF you can get him to admit, now, that his behaviours are abnormal - and to START TREATMENT - there may be a chance you can proceed from here. That's a very slim chance, though, and a very big if. I should have left my ex on our wedding day - that's not a joke: he revealed his true self that very day, and I suffered at length for ignoring my own instincts.

Not offering a quack diagnosis, but have a look at this site on BPD. Some of the links might ring bells with you?
psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/

I'll eat my hat with a light mustard dressing if he doesn't come up with one or more of the following excuses:

• it's because he loves you so much
• he worries about you when you're not there
• he's been cheated on in the past (may or may not be true)
• if you really loved him as much as he loves you, you would want to be together all the time (actually I think you said he's already used that one so 0 marks for clairvoyance)

these very likely accompanied by a hurt-puppy expression; graduating to the following in a sterner voice:

• you made him feel insecure by the way you dress/talk/react to men/used to date other people
• you have ulterior motives for not wanting him with you, eg you are meeting someone

Betcha.

Patricia Evans ' book "controlling people" explains why it gets worse after an even like marriage or a baby. They implant more of their split off subconsious stuff into you...freaky, but apparently true. They feel safe that you will not leave them, and are safe to inhabit your soul. That's why if you start behaving as an autonomous individual, it feels to them like a personal attack.

There are some free sample pages of Patricia Evans books on amazon.

It is mind boggling scary stuff. And apparently only gets worse.

I personally have found learning the how and why of it all extremely helpful...not only in understanding them, but why I got sucked in and tolerated such appalling behaviour.

Weird though, my h only started to gaslight me after I allowed my mother back into my life. I haven't quite figured that one out yet. Exactly the same thing happened with my first husband....she seems to be able to hypnotise them!

No, I left him, eventually but it took 8 years and many, many threads on MN, he had screwed my head up so much that I did not know that he was abusing me I thought it was all my own fault.

He was a lot more up front than yours though. I remember him going mental in a supermarket once because I had taken too long getting my hair done and he had convinced himself I was with my ex. Then threatening to divorce me because I wanted to go away for a weekend to my sisters, then the constant "yes thats fine" to all my plans only to pick a massive row just before I was leaving to try to spoil it.

This is not hopeless though, you are really astute in that you have picked up on it and posted here early on in your marriage. I didn't I thought it meant he loved me, I didn't have MN back then .

If you could stop this in its tracks right now and don't give in to it or try to placate him in any way you could most likely get through this and in the end he might even see what a doughnut he was being.

"I'll eat my hat with a light mustard dressing if he doesn't come up with one or more of the following excuses:"

Blue cheese dressing for me thanks.

Attila his DD is 8 - I am 37...

Grace thank youI will look at that website. I can honestly say that I didn't feel controlled or pushed into the marriage. It is really very recently that I have had these concerns. We did get married quite quickly but I felt confident I had (finally) met the right person for me...

Sorry - trying to respond to everyone in between doing bits of work! Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Annie

Well I've had two of the four but the usual line is that I shoud be please he loves me so much and wants to spend every moment with me... oh bollocks.

Omg!!! Was going to give some but realised i can't.

advice

???

ItsGraceAgain

It's called when you realise it is actually an echo.

Sorry for the riddles.