Either I'm being paranoid or he's trying to make me think I'm crazy

[ChickenPsyc]

DP has always said that I've said/done things when I haven't. But lately he's doing stuff that just doesn't seem right to me and its actually making me question my own sanity.

Example : Last week he brought home 2 packs of "bakes". One pack was chicken, one was cheese and onion. So he was putting some in the kids packed lunches and he asked me "which pack shall I open, which one do YOU want?" I said "cheese" so he opened the cheese packet (although I didn't see him do this). Next day he's at work and I'm eating this bake and it was BLATENTLY chicken. I mean, it didn't just have a slight taste of chicken, it was full of big chicken chunks. I just thought he'd got them mixed up and let it go. When he came home he asked how the cheese bake was. I said "nice, but it wasn't cheese, it was chicken". He burst out laughing and said "err no, it was cheese! you must be getting mixed up". I said "no, it was definately chicken! it had big bits of chicken in it!" he then said to the kids "what bake did you have for your lunch kids?" and they replied "cheese". Dp giggled and walked off. I KNOW mine was chicken but they were all apparantly from the same pack which said cheese on. All night DP made out that it was just my silly old brain playing tricks.

Anyway I let it go. Last night he took the other packet of bakes from the freezer and said "here look ... CHICKEN ... you see that, right? It says chicken ... agree?" he then asked if I wanted a chicken bake leaving out for my lunch for today. I said yes.

Anyway, I've just eaten it and it was blatently cheese.

Ok I know this sounds ridiculous and petty but why the hell would someone swap the bakes around and then rip the piss out of someone?? He MUST have swapped them, but why?

He does other stuff too. But this one is stressig me out because Im wondering "maybe I am going nuts afterall". I feel like he's trying to confuse me. If I question him, he'll say I'm paranoid and then I'll feel even more like a psycho

ChickenPsyc, does he actually have any redeeming characteristics?

Why in Jazuz name are you with him?

It's not pathetic, you're being worn down by his controlling, manipulative, bullying tactics, which is exactly what he wants.

Repeat after me: "He's a nob".

Chicken, does he do anything verbal/communication based? Adopt tones and attitudes that set you on edge and then when you are upset, imply or allow you to believe that you are in the wrong or unstable?

Obviously there is more to this and it is known by other posters.

Can I just say though that still today I have just posted in AIBU about my ex who is the most unreasonable, entitled and abusive man ever and I still can't 100% believe in myself and know how to deal with him until I run it by sensible MNetters. I have been posting about him for probably three years and each and every time everyone agrees what an arse he is and seem astounded by my tales of him but I still second guess myself. That is the number he has done on me. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust my own judgement where he is concerned and I suspect that is the case here with the OP.

Chicken,

He's the one with the T mobile account as well isn't he?. You were asking about that.
I thought you had written about him recently because I asked you at that time why you are still with him.

I reprint your answer verbatim to me below:-

"Attila, no, I don't know. I guess it's a fear of change, the unknown, being alone. Pathetic I know. But I also constantly second guess myself. Maybe I'm just paranoid etc etc but when faced with inconsistances and lies ect, what else are you supposed to believe"

No, you are not paranoid. He is and is dangerous to have around you and your kids.
You seriously need to kick this mad person out of your lives for good. He will destroy you all if you let him and he to date is doing all the abusive tactics such men employ.

Womens Aid will be helpful to you - please call them.

I suggest you document and diarise (and keep it hidden) all these weird and controlling things he does.

Like Malinkey said, there are classic signs of abuse.

If he is the abusive man he sounds like it could very well end up in court and you can make your appearances there benefit you greatly by having the said diary.

Chicken.

I was really bored a couple of weeks ago, and I think you'd been on because there was something going on with his ex wife and something.

ANYWAY, I went and had a little search, and this might come as a shock to you, but you have been posting about this waste of spunk for over a year. On average, you're posting twice a month. You're so clearly, CLEARLY unhappy in your situation.

What can we do to help you leave him? Is it just the fact that you feel you have nowhere to go? Because we can help you with that, I'm sure we can.

Do you want to be still posting all this stuff in another year? or 5 years or 10 years? While all the while your kids are watching this and learning that this is how relationships work.

Ah, now I read more about the jolly things he gets up to, I withdraw the practical joker suggestion. It is indeed definitive gaslighting.

XH didn't hide my socks - he wore them . And somehow managed to rub holes in the heels in a few days. Then swear he hadn't realised they weren't his (despite the fact he'd never owned a pair of red ankle socks in his life, and wasn't colourblind). Honestly, sometimes you couldn't make it up.

Very odd behaviour.

Is there any of the cheese bake left? I'd wait for him to start up about it tonight and then take the leftovers out of the fridge and show him the evidence, before saying in a loving and calm way, "Sweetheart. I'm really worried about you now, you're having problems remembering things and are behaving very strangely. I've called the GP because it's clear you need to see a specialist to help with your delusions."

Ok, I wouldn't really do that because I think you might be endangering yourself around this control freak, but I would fantasise about it.

Be careful. You are not crazy. Gaslighting is terrifying. Make notes of things that you know to be true at the time if you need to. Sometimes you may need reminders. And everytime he does something like this make a note of it. When you're told your memory is playing tricks on you it can make you question your memories, by making notes you will have evidence for yourself that your memory is not faulty.

I only went back for a year TBH.

I mean a year of misery is long enough innit?

Good lord, cross-posted with a whole pageful.

There is no solution other than getting away from this madman if you don't genuinely want to end up mad yourself. He's already dragging the children into it, encouraging them to doubt and despise their mother, which is one of the more evil things that anyone can do to a child. He's got to go.

This is really scary. You are living with someone who is actively trying to damage you, constantly and insidiously.

Of course it's hard to contemplate leaving - he has sapped so much of your confidence in yourself already.

I definitely think you should talk to Women's Aid. Just a phonecall. They will understand what's going on, however weird the things sound.

I wish she'd listen, but I think she might disappear again in a minute.

It's fear isn't it? Terrible crippling fear of the unknown.

When you have someone who makes you doubt yourself, how can you not doubt your decision to leave them?

It's easy to get so caught up in the rightness of your ability to choose to leave that you never get beyond that to actually making the decision.

Sounds like she wants to know why he does this. Not sure an answer would help though.

I wish she'd focus on why she doesn't want to hear the answers.

Too true. This time last year I was in a refuge, and in the diary I kept is an entry agonizing whether it was really abuse or whether I just read too much online and thought that's what it was. Like reading about a disease and you start thinking you have a symptoms. It took a long time to get past the self-doubt.

that is the very hardest thing actually believing you are being abused, worrying if you caused it and if you just tried a bit harder it wouldn't be happening. Too hard to actually make the decision to leave on top of all that when you are not even sure there is a reason to be leaving.

That is so true YouKnow...

I separated from my DC's father and suspect that he 'gaslights' but more verbally and emotionally.

Something triggered him to be upset on Monday and he was supposed to be seeing the DC's but cancelled and in the texts I could 'feel' his abruptness and anger at me. By tuesday night I was a wreck, crying and shaking to the extent that I had a massive panic attack in town. I felt so much that I was the one that was unstable that I struggled to contact anyone and in the end texted him. He was lovely and concerned and even kindly asked what I thought had triggered my state of mind. So now I don't know. I really thought I was mad and even thought about going to the local hospital because I felt I wasn't stable enough to be a mother to my DC's.

When I am on MN or with people that I am close to, I feel like an ordinary person, but a lot of the time I go further into my shell because I don't know any more.

He says he is being punished by being excluded from the family home because of my mental issues. Maybe he is right.

Nickname, that is me right now.

No he is NOT right Mittz.

My ex shagged anything that moved for the full 8 years of our marriage and still now thinks he should be living in the family home and it is "unfair" that he is not "allowed" to live with his kids.

Abusers just think like this, they can treat you like shit all day every day but you can never leave them because none of it really mattered, they are right it didn't, TO THEM!

I know exactly how you feel Mittz. I really do .

Oh Mittz, please don't think any of that is your fault. It's awful to read that you're doubting yourself. If you feel like a normal person whenever you're away from him then it's obvious he is definitely the trigger and the cause of your distress.

OP, it sounds like you've been going through this for some time and the answers your getting are the same everytime you come here: he is abusive and gaslighting you and you need to leave the relationship. There are ways that you can get help to do that and there is lots of support for you when you're ready. Maybe that's what you should be asking for instead of trying to find explanations for a psychopath's behaviour.

There's one bit in the Lundy Bancroft book which talks about how an abuser very rarely has any signs of mental health problems, whereas the abused person is usually suffering from a variety of symptoms brought on by the abuse. It doesn't mean you're "crazy", it means you've been damaged. Just as a victim of physical abuse carried bruises, victims of emotional abuse carry emotional scars.

It's so sad that one of the symptoms of being abused is self-doubt

This is why things like a diary can help reinforce everything.

My H used to write me long letters of apology, saying what he'd done and why it was wrong. It never stopped him from doing it again though. So I started keeping the letters and dating them. I have a box-full.

Anytime I doubted whether I was imagining things I looked at the letters or I read my diary. And I knew it was real.

I'm very sure now about who I am and just how sane I am. But I remember times I wasn't so sure.