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Original poster

Parents, WWYD?

28 replies

LisaD1 · 27/05/2010 12:15

Hi,

I am really at a loss as to what to do re my parents and my children. Basically, I have a strained relationship with my parents, I think largely because I am very independent and have never really "needed" them like my sister has. They have her children constantly, always help her out with various things etc and I tend to just get on with things. They have aked, repeatedly, to have my DC's stay with them this summer and I now have 2 missed calls from my mum (fist phone call in over 2 months) and I know she's going to ask again. The thing is, I want to say no, they haven't seen them for 6 months and DD2 is only 2.5yrs old, they have seen her less than 10 times in her lifetime and she doesn't know them. DD1 is different, they looked after her when she was younger and they did have a good relationship until a few years ago. There is also other issues with my parents, for example my mum was ill a while ago and instead of calling one of her children she called my DB's ex wife! They have odd ideas about family loyalty!

Anyway, wwyd? I am pretty sure if I say no to the girls staying with them all hell will break loose and an already strained relationship will become a non existant one. I am actually ok with that as I think they have made their choices in life and I could live quite happily without them. My DH however is from a very close family and thinks I should maintain a relationship with them, even if it is a difficult one!

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 27/05/2010 12:19

If you're not happy leaving your kids with them then don't. Your dh should be supporting you in this - it's your family and so your decision to make. You say you could live quite happily without them so say no. Tell your dh that it is your choice and you would appreciate his support or him keeping his mouth shut.

skidoodly · 27/05/2010 12:22

"I could live quite happily without them. "

What about your daughters though?

Denying them a relationship with their grandparents because you have a strained relationship with them seems unfair unless you have a better reason than you just don't get along.

What does your DH think about having them stay with your parents?

ReneRusso · 27/05/2010 12:23

I'm not sure. What harm would it do? If the girls go and stay then they will get to know them better, your parents will enjoy it and you can have a few days / nights free. It depends on the "other issues" you mention really, but most families have their own flavour of weirdness that has to be tolerated. Wouldn't you like to improve the relationship between your DC and your parents, even if not your own?

Original poster
LisaD1 · 27/05/2010 12:40

Thanks for the replies

The armadillo- My DH is very supportive of what I want to do-he was just expressing his opinion based on what he sees as normal family life.

Skidoodly: I guess that's why I'm asking. I adored my late grandad and had an amazing childhood with him as a main part of my life, I would love for my girls to have that but I'm not sure it's possible. Surely, if my parents (who are both at home 25mins away all day everyday) were that bothered about them they would have seen them less than 6months ago?

ReneRusso: the "other issues" would keep me here all day! They have made some bad choices, imo, as parents and often put their own wants etc way ahead of us children. Also, I feel that they are effectively strangers to my DD2, she hasn't seen them for 6 months and for me then to just drop her off and leave her seems unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
LisaD1 · 27/05/2010 12:42

Also, meant to add. My DH thinks they should go as he thinks the DD's will have a nice time and it will maintain a relationship with them rather than no relationship at all.

He is also very supportive though and will go along with my decision as they are my parents.

OP posts:
Songbird · 27/05/2010 12:45

'Surely, if my parents (who are both at home 25mins away all day everyday) were that bothered about them they would have seen them less than 6months ago?'

But surely, that's because it's obvious you don't want/need them to come round?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 27/05/2010 12:46

Your children will be fine with you. You don't have to have a relationship with your parents if you don't want. Fuck this what about the kids? It is my choice not to have a relationship with my mother and my kids will not see her as long as I am alive.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2010 12:48

I wouldn't send a 2-year-old to stay with anyone, even my own family. To spend a day with them, getting to know them etc as some posters are saying, fair enough I'd have thought, but not more than one overnight at a time, surely? And not even that if you don't 200% trust the people the child will be with.

The worrying bit, I think, is that you feel you will be cut off from your parents if you refuse to let them have your DDs to stay. That's more than "not getting along", that's emotional blackmail, and hints of a few more Issues below the surface. It's all very well to say you should try to maintain a relationship, but not using your children as bargaining chips.

Songbird · 27/05/2010 12:49

Really, what's the harm? Is it just because you don't want to 'give' them anything? DH feels a bit like this with his dad, who was a bit of an arse when DH was young, and though he seems to have changed a lot in his older years, DH finds it very hard to let his guard down.

Original poster
LisaD1 · 27/05/2010 12:50

Songbird: I am always very pleased to see them (and it is usually me that goes to them) my mum is REALLY hard work/selfish. For example, I invited them for Christmas dinner a few years ago, she walked in asked how long dinner would be, wolfed it down, immediately asked how long for pudding, wolfed it down and immediately grabbed her coat and they left! No interest whatsoever in playing with DD1 or just relaxing with her daughter. My dad is her lap dog and does as he is told, when he is told, how he is told.

What am I supposed to do? I do feel really sad that we don't have a relationship but I can't build one without her/them making an effort too.

OP posts:
werewolf · 27/05/2010 12:52

I hate the way grandparents ignore their children in favour of their grandchildren. My mother only calls if she wants a favour or if she wants to see my kids.

Op, your dcs are very young and don't have to stay with your parents if it doesn't feel right to you.

You could say to your parents that you'll let them stay away when they know them a bit better and arrange for them to come over a few times, as long as you're comfortable with it.

Songbird · 27/05/2010 12:53

But annie, things are strained because OP has effectively pretty much cut them off already.

OP, don't think I'm demonising you, I know very well that not all families are like the Waltons .

What is it that you want from your parents? What do they want? What does dd1 want?

I think letting them have them for 'the odd day' wouldn't hurt, but agree it would be weird for them to go and stay, after the estrangement.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2010 12:54

"Cut off by your parents" would have been clearer I think. Basically, if they will only maintain a relationship with you if you lend them your children, they are the ones who are being unreasonable, and I certainly wouldn't want to leave my precious offspring in the care of such people.

Egwene · 27/05/2010 12:54

I wouldnt send my 3 year old to stay with his very loving Granny who he is very familiar and close with because he is too young. She would understand and not push it if I said no.

Original poster
LisaD1 · 27/05/2010 12:55

Fab: Thank you, I am swaying towards your line of thinking!

Annie: I would have no problem with DD2 staying at my PIL's but that's because they are genuinely interested in their GC and work hard to maintain good relationships with their DC and inlaws. They spend a lot of time with my DD's and I would and have left them their overnight with no worries at all. My dad will lose his temper if I say no and that will be the end of it.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2010 12:55

Oops, a few cross-posts going on here I think, sorry.

Songbird · 27/05/2010 12:56

lisaD1 grr, that is annoying. Do you think she's trying to fulfill the 'grandparent' role, without being really all that emotionally attached to idea? Sounds like it. I bet she has friends who have their grandchildren to stay during the hols.

Original poster
LisaD1 · 27/05/2010 12:58

Songbird, I have not cut them off, they have CHOSEN to not spend time with me and my DC's, despite MANY invitations to do so. Because I won't do things on their terms and I don't run to them every 5minutes they seem to have decided not to bother at all, except when they want to use my DD's to show what wonderful GP's they are!

OP posts:
Songbird · 27/05/2010 12:59

At the end of the day, yes it's a shame they don't have a wonderful relationship with them, like the other gps. But, simply, if you're not happy with dcs going to stay, and mistrust your parents motives, then don't do it.

Songbird · 27/05/2010 13:04

Yes sorry Lisa I realise that now having read your subsequent posts, but I hadn't had a chance to correct myself .

UndomesticHousewife · 27/05/2010 13:08

You could say they'd love to, but becaus eyou're concerned that teh youngest hasn't seen them for so long and may be hard work fo rthem if she stayed, it would be a good idea if you spent the time in between getting to know her, ie spending time with her an dtaking her out.
See what they say, then if they say no at least it doesn't look like you just said no for the sake of it.
That is of course if that's what you want.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2010 13:33

LisaD,

I would also agree with fab here - its sounds like your parents have put themselves first before their own children, who are now adults themselves, for a long time.

Do you have siblings apart from your sister mentioned, if so how do they get along with them?. It seems too that although your sister receives more help I would add that this is never without unspoken condition attached to it. She is not really better off being beholden to such people honestly.
Infact I would argue that you are better off that she because you are now independent of them.

Also such people (your parents) are likely too to pass on their own crap/issues to the next generation i.e your children. I would be very wary about them having contact in your particular circumstances. It does not sound like your parents are at all interested in fostering a better relationship with you their daughter, your family comes as a package with you also included.

Would also say that you did not make them this way, they have actively chosen to act in such a manner. People from dysfunctional families play out distinct roles. You don't mention your Dad and am wondering what role he played in all this (bully or bystander?).

Your DH has fortunately come from a family unit where this type of familial dysfunction is unknown so I can well imagine him saying what he did in your original post. What he needs to realise though is not all families, particularly dysfunctional ones, play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. Its normally either their way or no way. These people too never apologise for their actions let alone take any responsibility for these.

I would read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward if you have not already done so as it is a helpful starting point.

Songbird · 27/05/2010 13:38

Good post atilla. Lisa, it sounds like your sister 'plays the game', and though on the face of it she seems 'better off', she's probably not. You're probably far more secure than she is.

Whatever you decide - good luck, and don't feel guilty!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2010 13:39

Hi Lisa,

I have now read the post that explains a bit more about your family.

Your Dad played the bystander role here with this original family unit and let his wife get away with more than she should have done. He acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is as much at fault here as your Mum who sounds very domineering.

You will never have the relationship that you want with these people because at heart they are too bloody damaged!. Why are they like this, well its perhaps because their own parents treated them this way too.

I would reiterate that none of this is your fault in any way; you cannot and must not fall into the fog trap here - fear, obligation, guilt.

Original poster
LisaD1 · 27/05/2010 13:46

Thank you all so much for the replies.

Attila: Have you met them?! Your post is spot on, I think I've always know it but it's good to hear an outsider has the same views.

I have 2 brothers, 1 is like my sister, very needy, life is always a drama, is close to my parents through his needs. Other brother, the only sibling I have a real relationship with, is like me, independent and lives his own life, parents have no interest in him either. to the point that they are extremely close to his ex wife, doing numerous favours for her while ignoring my brother when he was at his lowest (his wife walked out when his DT were 4 months old, my DB was suicidal, skint, had no food, was me who sent a Sainsbury's delivery of food and spent hours telling him he was important and loved while my parents spoke to his ex wife on facebook telling her how loved she was/is!) My DB and I are very close, speak daily, hold shared views of parents.

I guess I have to accept that they are truly damaged and at their ages unlikely to ever be capable of change or want to.

I do feel sad about it all but at the same time I know I need to protect my own DC and ensure the cycle doesn't continue.

I will get that book too, thanks.

OP posts:
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