Parents, WWYD?

[LisaD1]

Hi,

I am really at a loss as to what to do re my parents and my children. Basically, I have a strained relationship with my parents, I think largely because I am very independent and have never really "needed" them like my sister has. They have her children constantly, always help her out with various things etc and I tend to just get on with things. They have aked, repeatedly, to have my DC's stay with them this summer and I now have 2 missed calls from my mum (fist phone call in over 2 months) and I know she's going to ask again. The thing is, I want to say no, they haven't seen them for 6 months and DD2 is only 2.5yrs old, they have seen her less than 10 times in her lifetime and she doesn't know them. DD1 is different, they looked after her when she was younger and they did have a good relationship until a few years ago. There is also other issues with my parents, for example my mum was ill a while ago and instead of calling one of her children she called my DB's ex wife! They have odd ideas about family loyalty!

Anyway, wwyd? I am pretty sure if I say no to the girls staying with them all hell will break loose and an already strained relationship will become a non existant one. I am actually ok with that as I think they have made their choices in life and I could live quite happily without them. My DH however is from a very close family and thinks I should maintain a relationship with them, even if it is a difficult one!

Cripes!! Case closed!!

It's great that you have one family member that you are close to, as estrangement from the whole family must be so hard. That business with your DB's marriage breaking up is fucking awful, inexcusable and unforgiveable in my opinion, so you shouldn't feel any guilt about saying no to them!

Hi Lisa,

I don't think I've met them but have very dysfunctional relations myself in both my own parents (my brother was always favoured and now they feed off each others neediness) and inlaws (whom I now have minimal contact with for my own peace of mind cos they are as mad as a box of frogs!) so unfortunately write from a degree of experience here.

Am glad you have one brother who you can talk with; you and he were treated the same as children. You both became the convenient scapegoats for the family ills as neither of you were willing to keep up the happy family charade any longer. Both your parents too did the divide and conquer action as well, this is why you two and the other two are so divided.

Do read the book recommended, I would respectfully suggest your friendly brother reads it as well. It could help him too.

I wouldn't send your dcs in these circumstances.

If it was me I'd organise a couple of outings during the summer and ask your parents to come along and help you. Maybe a picnic somewhere or a trip to the coast. Give them an opportunity to develop their relationships. If they want to get involved then great, if not, well it's their choice.