affairs

[suzysuzysuzy]

Good morning

so new kid on the block as far as mumsnet goes - but old pro at being in a barking mad relationship...

but here is what i think is QUITE an interesting question

IF you discovered your DP was having an affair, would it be easier to bear if he demonstrated his heartfelt remorse with a MAJOR gift to you?

I am talking about SERIOUS jewellery, sports car, first class holiday...

Reason i ask, is that i have known couples in our circle which this is the case (and just so we are clear on my standpoint - it always ends in tears) BUT i have also known other couples where there is NO remorse shown - and guess what?! that ALSO ends in tears...

it surely must be better to get some sort of "monetary value" (the bigger the better) to walk away with

What do you think?

I think a large gift should be shoved up the arse of the affair-having partner.

hth

strange question

The only 'gift' that I expect from my cheating, lying, betraying stbex is that he still has a enough respect for me as the mother of his children and wife of 21 years, to ensure we are provided for; i.e. a home (mortgage free), maintenance (for DC.)

I want nothing else from him, nor would I expect anything. I would always feel in his power then, I need to break free of him. Then I can move on with my life.

That is the only true 'gift'.

diamonds and sports cars don't make everything OK again. they don't wipe out the low self esteem and sense of stupidity and powerlessness that an affair causes and kind of underline the 'fact' that your affections can be bought.

I agree. A present is an insult in those circumstances - like a bribe. A truly remorseful ex-adulterer will spend time and affection on his partner, not cash.

The person who cheats and buys a gift is just as bad as the person who accepts it and takes them back.

I guess the OP is a receiver.

I had an aunt whose husband (my mother's waste of space brother) used to beat the crap out of her regularly and whom I had to listen to at the age of around 10 being raped by the bastard.

He bought her gorgeous diamonds after every episode and she stayed with him for years.

They are no longer together and she has finally got a decent man (funnily enough I am still in touch with her even though she was not my blood relative and I have nothing to do with the arsehole she was married to).

He (the uncle) also had untold affairs which were all common knowledge.

And every time, he just bought her a bigger and better present than the last time.

For me, my DH could not buy back my love, respect and trust if he had an affair, no matter how big and lavish the gift, the 3 things I want and expect from him (love/respect/trust) all cost nothing.

I had all the diamonds, sports cars and holidays BEFORE I discovered his affair. I would willingly give them all back for, as LisaD1 says, love, respect and trust.

Heart felt remorse is not demonstrated by gifts. It's demonstrated by investing time and energy into rebuilding the relationship. If you see such gifts as remorse you would be just as shallow as the unfaithful spouse. Gifts do not mend broken relationships.

It depends. IF your marriage is something of a transaction anyway (one partner brought good looks or sexual skills or indeed homemaking skills, the other brought a big bag of money) then the gifts could be seen as a kind of penalty charge. There isn;t necessarily much wrong with this if both parties are content with the terms of the deal and understand those terms.
If one partner is a romantic and the other a pragmatist, this approach isn't going to work, though.

I saw your post on the other thread where you said your partner/husband had been unfaithful when you were on holiday.

I think there are two ways to look at this- either you can be very mercenary or canny - and take the items on offer then tell him to bugger off, or you can tell him that buying expensive gifts will in no way negate what he has done.

I also get the impression that you are very dependent on him for financial support which could mean you are putting up with behaviour that otherwise you wouldn't.

All this talk of mistresses, housekeepers, flash cars/hols and money is a bit Jackie Collins, and does seem to be at the expense of good old solid values such as love, trust and respect.

hmm. if dh has been horrid to me i will drop it if he buys me a present - i dont mean thats what i expect - i just find it a nice gesture and shows he wants to make friends.

but.....no gift in the world would make dh cheating ok. no way

I'd feel really icky if a cheating partner bought me an expensive gift out of guilt. I'd never be able to enjoy the gift because it would represent his betrayal and my forgiveness being 'bought'. Or rather, him buying his atonement.

I would sooner sell the expensive gift and use the money for a solicitor.

Madonna - what a great idea! If my H thought that five mins in a shop with his chequebook could sort out a major betrayal I would ask for a custom item to be made, featuring his balls as centrepiece. (Then like you suggest, I'd have it melted down for the divorce lawyer's fund...

Sorry to be a bit but your question is phrased as if you're a journalist looking for views for an article...

no wonderous _ I am sure it is true as the OP has posted on the "found a condom" thread about her unfaithful partner.

Are you thinking of certain WaGs?

Sounds immature an shallow. Materialism's irrelevant.

However, if it was something of a high practical value (i.e. a new car to then run him over with or a new kitchen, all the better to boil the bunny in) and otherwise unobtainable due to cost, grab (boil) hit and run.

OH I dunno, this is all a bit predictable. TBH it;s the dependence on 'love' that often leads people to stick with lousy partners - the old 'But I lurrrrve him/her trotted out as though it;s a justification for either abusing or being abused'.
I sometimes think that the transaction model is perhaps a better one.

SGB- have you ever a) loved and b) been hurt?

Your responses always smack of cold, unfeeling logic devoid of emotion. Are you a Vulcan?

I have had ups and downs in the past, same as most people. I have also seen other people mess themselves and others up in the ridiculous pursuit of 'love' (IE something which is not healthy or beneficial at all, a desperate obsession with another person which is not returned). Emotion is all very well but logic is important too.

lol @ Vulcan

I think there must be a scale of logical (ruled by head) >>>> illogical (ruled by heart) thinking when it comes to relationships

I place sgb at about 10/10 logical

I am a "rabid monogamist" (to quote sgb) but would still place myself at about an 8/9 logical

I wonder where others would put themselves...

""Emotion is all very well but logic is important too.""

hhhh.... so you ARE a Vulcan! You neatl side step the question- and give a "politician's answer".

Ups and downs could mean suicidally distraught, or just a bit miffed!

If only emotions could be turned on and off like a tap and our logical brain could override all that messy illogical stuff- life would be so simple wouldn't it?

It just doesn't work like that though- does it?

AF - where would you put me (as you have insider knowledge).

Must be about week 2 now, no? Still feeling freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"If only emotions could be turned on and off like a tap and our logical brain could override all that messy illogical stuff- life would be so simple wouldn't it?

It just doesn't work like that though- does it?"

Once upon a time, I'd have wholeheartedly agreed but now I don't.

If you've been fucked over enough times or severely enough just once, that's exactly how it works! Self preservation.

I think if you did get a gift, every time you looked at it you'd remember what happened.