Have turfed DP out, taken his keys

[keepstrong]

and atm I dont want him back, how do I stay strong??

By deciding if you want him back at some point or whether you meant it by getting him to go.

Oh dear, he must have done something very serious. Hope you're ok.

Sorry to be boringly legal but if the house is in joint names he has the right to break in and have the locks changed as long as he gives you a key for the new lock.

I told him to go and get some help...he has emotionally drained me and it is now dragging me down. my responsibility is my children who are still young and wanting to support him i have done all i can but i think it is now a case of sink or swim...

I told him that he needs to sort out what he wants and get himself some help and if at the end of it he decides he doesnt want me then no hard feelings i truly am feeling very objective atm and not the slightest bit upset

If you have got him out because he is or has been violent, have you informed the local DV unit or had support from WOmen's AId? If he is a violent man it's good to have it on record as if he then turns up and attempts to break in, the police will come quickly to remove him.
Otherwise, as mumblechum says, it depends on the ownership of the house etc. If it;s your house, or your tenancy agreement then of course you're legally entitled to keep him out of it (though if he has any belongings left in the house you can't just keep them/sell them/destroy them, you have to allow him to collect them - though this can be done by putting them on the doorstep for him).
If it's his house or a shared tenancy/shared mortgage, then even if he has currently agreed to leave, you need to get legal advice re changing the tenancy agreement or selling the house and dividing the proceeds etc.

He works and then he drinks, he comes home, he shouts and talks an talks going on and on and on...

The novelty really has worn off tbh, I feel quite cold about it...I just walked into the pub last night, took his keys and told him he wasnt welcome anymore and then left, to a barrage of abuse (he had an audience)

its my house SGB

fark....he keeps ringing me, and I really dont want to talk to him

Unplug the phone.
Did he actually live in the house, or did he have keys as a regular visitor? If it's the latter then you can call the police if he turns up trying to break back in and they will remove him.
Have a word with WOmen's Aid anyway, he sounds abusive and a knob - and WELL DONE for getting rid.
Do you have any DC with him or are you able to cut him out of your life completely?

Has he tried to contact you? Do you know where he is staying?

Be pro-active. Get some legal advice and start thinking of yourself as a single person. What will you need to do to make a success of it? (Even if it is only for a month or two until he sorts himself out) Think about the various things he might do and have a prepared response for all of them so you're not caught on the hop. Decide on a clear set of outcomes that need to be reached in order for him to come back into your life. Get some emotional support from family/friends - feeling cold now might be shock, or the beneficial effects of being angry and doing something about it.

You're doing great so far!

Sorry - x-posted - if you don't talk to him he may escalate? Maybe you could simply re-iterate your words from last night, make it clear what you mean, don't get drawn into anything and hang up?

Thnakyou for your support, he lived here but I do not need his sopport financially - thankfully...

I have just answered his call, he said, im on my way home are you in the house...

I said dont come back here, he hung up...I dont think he will try and come in....I wouldnt phone the police, that would cause a real stink, he would end up in the cells for sure.....he is not a violent man but that would completely tip him over the edge....Im not afraid of him and will stand up to him...

I want him to get help, he needs to sort his problems out I cannot help him anymore.

Be careful Keepstrong. Please do call the police if he gets out of hand.

We have children, they havent even asked where thier dad is!!!

Are the children in the house? Then you need to minimise any possible risk to them - you have told him not to come round. You have made it clear you didn't want to have a confrontation so HE has chosen to make a stink. Don't get involved in any discussion - I'd go with not answering the door and don't let him in whilst he's volatile. Ring the police NOW and make them aware of the situation.

He has txted me to say he is in his mothers house and he wants all his clothes....he is friggin childish. I will sort them out later..DD has a lesson soon so if im not here for a while dont worry ..Tanga he isnt volatile atm, i just know that calling the police would make a situation for him, he would cause a real scene...

I shall chack in later, thankyou ladies for your kind supportive words

soooo I said, im not packing all your clotes right now, I will pack what you really need, he has tonnes of stuff and would take ages, and dd needs bathing etc etc....he snapped "oh leave it then I dont want anything, I'll just stay in these clothes forever!!!"......felt like telling him to go sit on the naughty stepp, friggin childish gimp!!!

So i said fine if you really dont need anything right now but dont say i didnt offer..bye

Oh god im so shit at staying tough

You've done great. It clearly hasn't sunk in (for him) that you are serious. What about sitting down and writing him a letter outlining your position eg what has to happen before you consider having him back, by what method you wish to communicate with him, what you are prepared to accept in terms of him collecting stuff (eg when would be convenient, for how long) and most importantly, what is going to happen re contact with the children in the interim.

So - are you serious?

I think the letter thing is a brilliant idea, for both him and me.....so often you get angry with someone, only to lose your thread and direction iykwim, a letter helps you keep foccussed and reminds you of why you are doing what you are doing....

a letter for him will also help him understand how I feel and get where im coming from, but im not about to spill my heart into this letter to let him stamp on it...I will be fair and to the point...

Im serious in so far as I want the person I fell in love with and if I cant have him then second best wont do.....and if he was pretneding to be that person when we first met iykwim then that will truly be a sad thing.

You only get one go at life and i dont want to look back 20 years from now and think why the hell did you waste your go on that loser (if nothing changes of course!)

Absolutely - fair and to the point, clear and firm. Don't get caught in the trap of justifying why you want things to change, either.

I was having a very similar conversation with my daughter earlier - I told her that when it's all over and you meet someone new, you can't believe the crap you put up with - and for what?

keepstrong, I admire you for your clearmindedness

well done

you only need one arsehole in your life x

AF..., you always strike me as a no nonsense person....and that compliment from you makes me feel good thankyou

Im under no illusion this clear mindedness will waiver at some point......I know myself and there will be a point when my head suddenly clicks and I will be the most cold hearted person on this earth and no changes will work....i just hope he takes me seriously and does something about it, i would surely hate his stubborness and inability to realise what he needs to do, prevents us from making this work....

It will truly be his loss, I am a strong positive person, I am this for my children, I wasnt always like this, they have made me the person I am today and I will not have him spoling my life and thiers.....you know in two days they havent asked where he is!!! I have just realised, how sad is that.

Tanga...I have to show my dd how to be strong and independent, she doesnt need to see a whingy mum who cracks at the thought of being on her own....apologies to anyone who does crack under this pressure

KS...those are the very best lessons you can teach her

It is better to be alone, self-respect intact, than be at the mercy of a bad relationship

I wish more women realised that they have the ability to not need emotional support...Life is to be lived and enjoyed and exprienced, not spending your days wondering what your partner is doing, where he is, what moods he will return home in....telling thier tone by the slam of the door and the look on thier face, hoping that everytinhg is just as it should be and that they have had a good day and nothing has upset them...

You know what I hate that time of day between 3 and 4pm....when I would phone DP on my way home from work....he would answer the phone and in that split second my stomach would turn...I could hear the noise of the pub in the back ground....on the days when I did nthear that noise, I would be so happy...god how sad am I??

not sad...strong

it doesn't matter how long it took for you to have your lightbulb moment...the fact is, you are there now

don't regret what has gone...look forward