How do I make him leave?

[posieparker]

So whilst on another board (feminism) I started to examine my own meek life, and how it's not what I thought it would be. I now have to make an exit plan. My DH and I don't get on at all, we have different morals and values. In fact he's amoral. He owns shares in a company, the one he works for, this he has got since we were together but not since we got married. I have four dcs, youngest is 18months. We are broke, he earns good money but I cannot get a job as his job requires him to work away and so I'm a bit stuck...no bridging money to get help, iyswim. I love, mostly, staying at home with my dcs and am ready to start my business....just waiting for a couple of go aheads and I'm off. So I think I need to wait until that's off the ground. We have a nice house that we can just about afford. If we split I'm not sure how we could afford two homes, even if I got a job, full time which I would hate.

staying together long term is not an option for me, too much murky water under the bridge, to many lines crossed. I barely recognise myself.

So how do I plan?

Posie, i have no useful advice, having never been in this situation, but i would like to say you sound like a strong woman who has made up her mind about what is the right thing to do and you need to stick with this decision. I have noticed some of your posts and you always seem very sure of yourself, you have the right attitude! Im sure there are many mumsnetters who will come along with helpful suggestions soon....

Maybe worth seeing a solicitor to help you with the legal side of things and also the loneparent advisor at your local jobcentre, who will also have helpful advice about the practicalites of starting your own buisness and help you will be entitled to whilst you get on your feet!

Good luck

Thanks....I keep getting back to this point and then it's not so bad, but it's never ever great.

Hi Posie

I hope you are well

I just wondered if you think your disagreements with your husband come down to the fact you don't feel you have enough money or are they actual disagreements with yourselfs soulfully?

By that I mean, taking money out of the picture, do you still love each others company, can you still talk about things and enjoy things together, do you share interests and are you both caring or compassionate towards each others needs and feelings, and comfort, love and bring peace to each other?

And do you both share the same goals, and values when it comes to raising your children?

I don't mean to sound patronising or anything, please feel free to tell me where to get off if you feel this is the case.

I spent many years as a single parent before I met my partner, I struggled to make ends meet and I only had one child at the time, the stress and anxiety it caused meant I spent a lot of time worrying and depressed and less time enjoying my life with my family or seeing the value in what I actually had, because I always felt the need to have more or be more.

Now I work from home, on things that bring me joy, our house is . . pfft . . in my friends eyes, its not a big new block or gorgeous build, but its our home. Its comfortable, cosy and warm and it's our place to live.
I spend more time at home with my family now, raising my kids and just enjoying the days we have together as a family, I shop in thrift shops, grow our own food, it means we save a tremendous amount of money, eat healthily, and I feel worthwhile and good about that and it means we don't have debt lingering over us anymore and we don't need a lot of money for things other than the necessities and treats when we can.

And more important than any of it, I feel happy in myself that I am no longer struggling to have or want more, because I feel grateful to have everything I could possibly need.

I really would not recommend breaking up your marriage unless there is actually something happening there that is causing any of you pain or grief or upset in your life.

Life is just too short and if you love and still care about each other and you are both genuinely good people, you should try not to worry too much about money.

Take care, I hope everything works out for you all

My DH has no beliefs, no opinions, would like to spend time with our family alone or have fun with friends on his own.

We've had lots of money and spent it, having fun whilst spending and filling the gaps in between with planning to spend. We live an unworthy life, it's never going to get better....we'll just get old.

Hey Posie, hun you are always as young as you feel, your body will age but your mind will always have that feeling of being 18, because you are your mind, your body is merely a vehicle and your life is very worthy!

from an outsiders point of view, i see a family with 4 beautiful amazing children to raise, you have a lovely home which you obviously like, i feel maybe you feel unhappy in what you are doing with your life, in terms of how you spend your time and how you feel about how you spend your time. forgive me if i'm wrong

Do you have many hobbies, interests or ideas that you enjoy or would like to pursue?

You may find if you take some time out to pursue an interest or something that you maybe always fancied trying, you may find a spark of enthusiasm that will make you feel much happies in general.

what kind of business are you looking to set u from home?

I really understand the frustration about not being able to work because your DH's hours (mine does around 70 hours a week on average). How old are your children?
Will they all be in school soon?
You could work from home during the hours they are at school and still be around when they come home. That's what I console myself with when I feel like I can't get out the house/do anything by myself.

I only say these things, because no marriage is perfect, and maybe it's just a season you and DH are going through. With a little work you might be able to get your marriage back on track, which is obviously going to be a lot easier on you and your kids than having to work out shared custody arrangements and you trying to make enough money to support them by yourself.

I'm sorry you are so unhappy, just wanted to throw in a few extra ideas and a little comfort in case you just needed reminding. This stage of your life is just a stage, it won't last forever. Storms come and go in our lives, we sometimes just need to find the best way to ride them out.

I'm setting up a clothing line, parents live in China, and I designed traditional winter coats for my children. So many people have stopped me to ask where i got them, and more familiar people have asked if I can make some for their dcs that I thought it was worth a punt!

A friend said to me today, you know divorce is like marriage but without the reliability....i'll still share my dcs with him!!

What do you mean by your H being 'Amoral'? Do you genuinely mean that he has no moral values ie that his business is dishonest, that he steals and cheats, never helps other people unless there is something in it for him, is needlessly unkind to you/the DC/anyone smaller or weaker than him?
If that's what you do mean then yes, by all means get out of the relationship.

Or do you mean that he has different moral values to you? IN which case, it;s worth trying to identify the specific areas of conflict and seeing if you can work out a compromise, surely?

I may be wrong, but I'm getting a slight whiff of horsehair tampon from your statement that you live an 'unworthy' life - have you recently encountered some new brand of superstition that suggests you sacrifice all your pleasures to the cult leader a greater good and donate lots of money to the cult leader's pension plan the cult's Great WOrk?

Unworthy as in don't recycle enough or live by any moral code...no cults, I'm an atheist! Not healthy enough, not well read enough etc...

And he has no beliefs, stands for nothing, most of his opinions are like something out of the Daily Star.

But that's exactly my point posie - you'll still have to share your DCs with him! He'll (hopefully) always be a part of your life.

If nothing terrible is happening, e.g. you just feel you've grown apart, is it not worth trying to get some counselling or seeing if you can stick with it for a bit longer. Might just be a phase that your marriage is going through and as your friend put it, divorce is like marriage with no reliability.

My PiL got divorced when DH was 10, but they still have to spend loads of time together, partly because Dh's sisters are still at school, but now because they both want to see our children. It doesn't stop when your kids turn 18!

I'm sure you've thought about it lots, but I just wanted to add a gentle reminder that if there is any chance of reconciliation I think you should try persevere, to make life easier on your kids, yes, but also on yourselves!

Clothing line sounds fab by the way. I love traditional stuff. Let us know when you set up a website!!

Ah-ha...I may post some pics of the dcs in their coats...in fact i will and you can give me your opinion. Would you pay £40 Gracie?

Where are the pictures? How do I see them?

I would not pay £40 (because I don't have it!!) but I'm sure I could coerce a well off relative to do so for me

Hang on I'll post them and then you can click on my profile.

Done...you can be honest, Carter's is for school and Mabel is only three.

Those coats are gorgeous.

Only £40! You don't live in London, do you? I'm sure you could sell them for much more where I live...

What material are they made from?

They really are lovely.

They are predominantly wool, I am getting to the finer costs and testing materials.....finding out what the chinese will put in them is like getting blood out of a stone, fortunately my Dad does htis for Clarks shoes!

Well there are coats out there for £120 like this, but I'm hoping to offer quality for less! I am also hoping to grow quickly enough so in a couple of years I can supply schools (probably private) and then the Newly rich in places liek Russia and China(offering a little English class!).

Even supply John Lewis!

Is this a windup? I am honestly bewildered by the fact that on one hand you are saying your H has 'no morals' by which you appear to mean he's not that bothered about recylcling - now while the view some people have that recycling is a waste of time may be a misguided one, it's not necessarily an immoral one - and on the other hand you are bigging yourself up as a seller of poncy overpriced coats to Boden-wearing private-school showoffs?

ah posie - I have read your previous threads and posted on them. I am glad that you have come to this realisation at last.

The whole truth is that you are a beautiful and talented young woman and a lovely mum and you deserve better than that philistine. Your kids can't have better than him - he will always be their father but you can find a decent man and live a life that you can look back on without regret.

build up your business and detach yourself from him, save money and get rid.

as to how you make him leave? you could start divorce proceedings...

SGB...poncy overpriced? Seriously? These coats are as cheap as I can sell them. And I happen to like traditional winter coats, much better than the polyester shit you see most children in. And my initial customers would not be private schools, that would come later.

Struggling to see the link between me complaining that my DH is immoral, throws litter, no social responsibility etc and me trying to make some money for my family by selling something that is very good value.

And I am not bigging myself up, someone asked me a question.

IMO £40 for a coat is expensive, particularly a kid's coat which will be outgrown within a year. I appreciate that you are perhaps using high quality materials etc, but for a lot of peole the £5 job from Primark is all they can afford - and while it may be 'polyester shit' it keeps the child warm and dry which is all that's necessary.
Now I don't actually have a huge issue with the makers, sellers and buyers of quality/luxury goods, it's just that when you keep banging on about your H's 'immorality' and yet all you mention is that he doesn't recycle and isn't bothered about the environment, it just seems a bit weird that you are then advocating conspicious consumption (selling to the newly rich in Russia) on your own account.