Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How do I make him leave?

38 replies

posieparker · 25/05/2010 11:20

So whilst on another board (feminism) I started to examine my own meek life, and how it's not what I thought it would be. I now have to make an exit plan. My DH and I don't get on at all, we have different morals and values. In fact he's amoral. He owns shares in a company, the one he works for, this he has got since we were together but not since we got married. I have four dcs, youngest is 18months. We are broke, he earns good money but I cannot get a job as his job requires him to work away and so I'm a bit stuck...no bridging money to get help, iyswim. I love, mostly, staying at home with my dcs and am ready to start my business....just waiting for a couple of go aheads and I'm off. So I think I need to wait until that's off the ground. We have a nice house that we can just about afford. If we split I'm not sure how we could afford two homes, even if I got a job, full time which I would hate.

staying together long term is not an option for me, too much murky water under the bridge, to many lines crossed. I barely recognise myself.

So how do I plan?

OP posts:

Original poster

posieparker · 26/05/2010 10:15

Yes, we should all support shops, you're right.
And there are countless things that perhaps I do not wish to divulge about my DH, it wasn't a question about his morality this is as I see it. The man called me a fucking twat in front of my nephew and niece which is a new low, this
is on top of swearing at me and name calling in front of me dcs on more occasions than I care to remember.

This is relationships SGB not AIBU.

OP posts:

Gracie123 · 26/05/2010 11:12

Sorry I had to go yesterday Posie.

The coats are beautiful and you could definitely sell them for £40. I know plenty of grandparents/aunties/uncles that would buy them for my DCs if you had an online shop.

Original poster

posieparker · 26/05/2010 11:18

Thanks Gracie. I'll let you know!! I'll probably advertise on MN!!!

OP posts:

Alouiseg · 26/05/2010 17:32

I'm not massively surprised that this is the decision you've come to after lots of things you've posted over the years.

I have no advice but wish you well in whatever you do, I love the coats btw. Good luck.

ItsGraceAgain · 26/05/2010 17:51

Hello. The coats are funky. I like them. Good luck with your business. The answer to your OP is: fill out a divorce petition.

Other respondents seem to think your H is a bit of an arse. The real point, in any case, is that you think he's an arse. You don't seem to have any respect for him. It's probably kinder to you both if you split.

Please decide where you stand on issues regarding ethical living. Having garments made in China is un-ethical by many standards. I'm happy that you've recently discovered the appeal of a more meaningful life, but you seem to have climbed a little high on the bandstand.

Original poster

posieparker · 26/05/2010 18:00

Actually my parents live there and we know the supply chain, the factories do come up to human rights standards and we would use individual tailors!

OP posts:

Gracie123 · 26/05/2010 18:36

The thing is posie, even if you do know everyone in the supply chain and it's all above board, you are probably going to have to do a lot of defensive marketing regarding that as people do jump to conclusions and if the coats say made in China that will put a lot of people off, even if they don't know anything about it.

Just a thought. Maybe have a little link on your website about how you are meeting ethical standards and the importance of supporting legitimate businesses in countries where people are exploited?

Original poster

posieparker · 26/05/2010 18:45

Gracie, My father is in manufacturing...I can't think of anything that is not made in China!!

OP posts:

Gracie123 · 26/05/2010 18:49

Probably true!!

Just saying that some form of advertising re: your ethical principles is never damaging and might reassure people like Grace that they can feel good about buying your products.

Once you've got a website, sticking a page about your company ethics on should be free and relatively easy to do. It's probably the only page you won't have to keep updating too!

Original poster

posieparker · 26/05/2010 18:55

Good suggestion, thanks!!

OP posts:

UnrequitedSkink · 26/05/2010 19:58

I'd definitely buy one for a little girl, if I had one, and I think £40 is more than reasonable for a quality product. Confused by your initial post though - are you asking whether you should grow the business and make it a success before splitting with your DH? I can see how it would be much harder to get a new venture up and running without DH's financial backing (indirect) but surely it's morally dubious to stay with him in order to do so?

Does your DH have any idea how you feel?

Original poster

posieparker · 27/05/2010 10:04

US....My DH has heard me say countless times that I've had enough, he doesn't believe me.

OP posts:

triedntested · 27/05/2010 21:55

Hi Posie
I have just read most of this thread and the advice seems to be very varied, folk asking you to consider the hardship of a single mothers life and so on followed by dump him etc

I wonder if somewhere in the middle may be possible and if you could actually sit down and ask him if he is happy and what HE wants. He may also want the marriage to end? Just a thought.

I was in an unhappy marriage for almost 25 years. It wasnt cruel or unbearable but at times I was depressed by his controlling ways and that he clearly found me unattractive after I had my children.

I finally left just over two years ago. There is no need to starve on benefits. With you small children you could rent a house at around 700 ish and this is about the amount you will get from housing benefit. If you speak to them about income support, child benefit etc it works out as not impossible to live I have found..we do not have a bad life at all. At times when I was a married mother I felt I was toatally alone and now I am alone it doesnt feel like any worse..for me it is much better and I love my children very much and they do see their dad a lot and we remain in the friendly side of civil. He gets their uniforms and pays for shoes and other stuff..we sat doen and worked it out but he was clear he would not leave the house.

All I am saying is that your life wont end and you can still plan your business which sounds great by the way...would love to see pics. Good luckw ith it all whatever you decide. If you decide to leave one thing I did for many months was squirrel away...a new kettle, duvets and nice covers so it wasnt all completely awful for the kids, a new teddy each and so on. I collected boxes of stuff so that when we did finally move it was a smooth as it could be. I told the children that they could phone and see daddy whenever they wanted and if he wasnt working in london he would be there. He has been.

It sounds like you are very hard on yourself. We all do things we are not proud of in our marriages and so do they ...accept the things you have done and be sorry for them but do not accept as your fault becasue it will not be. My ex had many affairs and I had one and then realised my life did not have to be that miserable and that someone else thought I was attractive and bright and saw all the good things in me :-)

Take care of yourself. Have you got parents and brothers and sisters and friends who will support and help you?

Flip

1 2