If he says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

[dontno]

what does that mean?

DH said it years and years ago and nearly left because of it.

He decided within a few weeks that he'd made a terrible mistake and he was really in love with me after all - he'd been off work sick for a few weeks and had too much time to think was the way he put it.

Since then, things have generally been OK between us, we get on well, enjoy each other's company, he's good around the house and very good with the DCs. But, we don't have sex as much as I'd like and I sometimes feel we're not as close as we should be. Get on like close collegues perhaps, but not partners IYSWIM

I often wonder if he was having or on the brink of having an affair at the time. He developed a new lovemaking technique around he same time, but I have absolutely no other grounds for suspicion

That phrase means that they love you but not in an emotional way. I have had it said to me by DH when we was going through a rocky patch.

For my hubby it was lack of sex and emotion from me, you need to just make him feel special again and make him aware that you still love him like the way you did when you first felt that spark.

Hope your ok?

it is a cowardly thing to say IMO and means bugger all

Interesting cheeky. I have had repeated spells ever since of wanting him to prove that he didn't really mean it and show me that he does love me as more than just a friend...It's always been him, not me who didn't want sex

Usually, dontno, as you have implied, when a man says this to his partner, it means he has become attached to someone else. It sounds as though you suspect that was the case too, but have no proof. Perhaps something did happen, but either he or she called time on it. Either way, it doesn't sound as though he has committed heart and soul to your marriage since then.

The fact that as far as your romantic relationship is concerned, things are not as they should be, could be due to a few factors. If there was an undiscovered infidelity years ago, there is a secret between you and secrets really do impair intimacy. It could be that he still has doubts about the relationship.

I would want to know whether there had been an infidelity and I would want to know how my partner truly felt about me. It doesn't sound as though there is much intimate communication between you about feelings. Could you have a no holds barred chat about the intimacy in your relationship?

WWIFM
Usually, dontno, as you have implied, when a man says this to his partner, it means he has become attached to someone else. It sounds as though you suspect that was the case too, but have no proof. Perhaps something did happen, but either he or she called time on it. Either way, it doesn't sound as though he has committed heart and soul to your marriage since then.

I agree with that, i can relate to it also.

I reckon it means that they love you but they don't feel passion, lust, a spark, because people think that being "in love" means hearts and flowers and trouser tearing passion.

And marriage isn't one long shag fest. Real life gets in the way. So they think they are not 'in love', instead of realising that building a life with another person is not like that first flush of passion. It's deeper, it changes, it has ups and downs, it's real.

What it can mean is 'I want you to keep on cooking my meals, doing my laundry, raising my children and occasionally sucking my cock, but I want to have sex with other women'.

Well yes, that too

You do have a way with words, SGB

PMSL well yes i suppose it could say that lol

Hecate, "I reckon it means that they love you but they don't feel passion, lust, a spark, because people think that being "in love" means hearts and flowers and trouser tearing passion. "

I'm trying to figure something out here too and not wanting to hijack the OPs thread but; what is love then in a committed long term relationship?

MY DP has more or less said to me he isn't feeling the "spark" and isn't sure if he's "in love and feeling as much as he should be". I think this is because we have spent the last 18 months ingoring each other due to other commitments and forgot about time for each other. We're trying to work on that now, fingers crossed.

But really, I know this is a random, nothing is the same for everyone, but really - how do you know when you're in love or just comfortable sort of thing.

anothernamechange like I said downthread, I wouldn't make the same assumptions as you about why your DP feels the spark has gone. I'd assume he'd met someone else for whom he did feel a spark, sorry.

In answer to your question generally however, my H and I have often discussed this. Although we have been married for nearly 26 years - and have spent periods of our marriage not being in love, but nevertheless loving eachother, we are fortunately at a point now when we are both in love and also have a very deep love for one another.

Being in love is characterised I think by having a strong passion for one another, a desire to spend a lot of time together, an excitement about seeing eachother and a sense of rightness about being in eachother's company. Loving is being able to tolerate faults and weaknesses, huge care for eachother's wellbeing in every sense and the knowledge that you can be yourself with this person and they will still love you and have your best interests at heart.

another - I think part of the problem is that when people say "in love" what they mean is lust, and lust is nothing but a short term chemical imbalance

You try sustaining it for 60 years!

Love and I think true 'being in love' IS getting comfortable with each other! You want a life together, not just sex and tingles. You want to have a home together, it's ok to squable about whose turn it is to do the washing up you have shared hopes, dreams and ambitions, you have shared morals and values. You're not 2 halves of the same person because you are your own person within the relationship but the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and together you are more than you would be apart. It doesn't mean you don't argue, it doesn't mean you agree on everything, but at your core, you fit like a 2 piece jigsaw puzzle (I just made myself feel ill saying that ) You care about each other, you matter to each other, you drive each other bloody NUTS sometimes, you know each other, you can look at each other and know what you're thinking. I could go on all day because there's so much! But that's about the gist of it.

OK, so it was 15 years ago, we've moved house, he's changed employer almost our whole circle of friends is different, so whatever (if anything) was going on isn't likely to be current.

I have asked him to talk about how he feels/why he doesn't want o be intimate much on lots of occasions and he swears he does, but that everyday life gets in the way. Sometimes we have a month or so of making extra effort. TBH it's mostly me that makes the effort, but he does play along and the sex will be good for a week or two and then it will fizzle out. I can't get him to talk properly and sometimes feel like I don't know him properly, we would never have that finish each others sentences thing, for example.

Still, life's not that bad, we rub along, giving DCs and loving and stable home, sharing interests, being content. Is it really worth digging deeper?

I totally agree with SGB.

A more mundane way of putting it would be "I want to have my cake and eat it too."

Different circumstances, but in the end it is how I came to feel about my H from whom I am separated.

Am I cowardly and wanting him to ''I want you to keep on cooking my meals, doing my laundry, raising my children and occasionally sucking my pussy, but I want to have sex with other men'?

No, whilst he hurt me badly, very badly, it doesn't stop me caring, and it fucking hurts being in limbo. It is a genuine dilemma and it is insulting to have it assumed that it is just some kind of cop out.

I am sorry OP, that it has become an issue in your relationship, and if you are both prepared to put in the emotional 'work' to make the relationship heal, please go for it, because I wouldn't wish the emotional hell that I am in on anybody. Not even him.

'In love' is more than just 'lust' and the physical side of things. To me being 'in love' meant the safe bits.

And yes, I did get attached to somebody else but didn't do anything about it. It was hell and is the most painful situation to be in. Contrary to some of the opinions on MN, sometimes good people do get caught unawares and try to do the right thing. We are not just heartless individuals who 'want their cake and to eat it too'.

If I could wake up tomorrow and not feel like my heart and soul had been ripped in two, I would give everything, apart from my children, up to be in that place.

Yes, Dontno, it is worth digging deeper for and I wish you well.

Sorry about your situation dontno, but I do understand how you feel.

When my H was discovered to have been having an affair one of the things he said to me was that he had forgotten what it was like to love me.

He looked at a photo of me from about 20 years ago and said he remembers, how he loved me then but didn't feel it anymore.

Apart from the feelings of devastation caused by his infidelity, the realisation that he probably hadn't loved me for a long time, was and is hard to bear.

When we speak, very, very occasionally, he says he does love me, but it is as the mother of his DC and as a friend.

Not at all what I want to hear and very painful indeed.

I do believe him, but know that those being in love feelings are now reserved for someone else.

I personally would dig deeper into why this is happening, as the passion in my relationship fizzled when OW turned up.

dontno There's a wonderful poster on here called secretskillrelationships and I hope she comes along soon. I also hope she won't mind me sharing her story with you, it has echoes of your own. Her H had a one night stand many moons ago and never told her for years. Until that point as I recall, they had been very happy indeed. Afterwards however, the H never seemed to fully commit to his marriage. The effect was pretty subtle, and the poster could not put her finger on what was happening. He kept saying everything was fine.

The truth did come out though and he finally admitted that since that ONS, he had convinced himself his marriage was never going to be what it had once been. So emotionally, he checked out of the relationship. You can imagine the turmoil for our poster. They are now divorcing after 20+ years of marriage.

This is a shocking waste, all for a bit of honesty. People really underestimate how pernicious secrets are, not just to their partner and their marriage, but also to themselves. I have often posted on here too about a good friend of mine, who had been feeling guilty for years after an undisclosed affair. Her guilt was so enormous, that she put up with awful behaviour from her H. The long held secret came out at Relate counselling and although there was shock and hurt, their marriage is now one of the happiest I know.

Can you sit your H down and say (assuming you do feel this way) that you fear that he has such a secret and can forgive now, if there is honesty. Generally, as soon as a couple starts to communicate with genuine emotional honesty, it has the most incredible effect on their intimacy.

Now of course there are several other ways this could go. He could still deny, in which case I'd suggest you tell him what you have told us; that you want to be more emotionally close - and to have a more frequent physical relationship. He might admit something, including feeling disengaged from your relationship and he might finally admit defeat, or he might admit and you feel huge resentment for all these years of a "veneer" marriage. It's a risk of course, but there are high gains to be had too. There is usually some work to be done after disclosure and in a case like this, counselling can really help.

I think this will always be in the back of your mind - did he once have an emotional attachment to someone else? Is that why our marriage is so superficial?

I always believe the instinct you followed to post this after such a long time should be heeded. At some level, perhaps you feel it is the right time for this to be finally unveiled.

''Her guilt was so enormous, that she put up with awful behaviour from her H.''

As my marriage fell further and further apart, my guilt at realising I was becoming 'attached' to someone else put me in a similar situation, although my deep unhappiness in my marriage was part of the reason I found myself in that situation. And I stayed and tried to make it work, get things right, feel wanted and loved and female and needed, until I witnessed 'H' assault our DS, I yet another drunken rage.

Whilst life is better. I have no one.

I think this is not really the thread for this. I am sorry. I try to bury it deep and should hide threads like this.

There is a book called I love you but I'm not in love with you.

It is very very good.

Many people go through the feelings. It doesn't mean affairs. It is just dealing with life changing.

wwifn "anothernamechange like I said downthread, I wouldn't make the same assumptions as you about why your DP feels the spark has gone. I'd assume he'd met someone else for whom he did feel a spark, sorry."

I'm confused by this? Are you confusing me with someone else?

Hecate - how you've summarised it is how I feel about my dp and that is love to me too. It's just scary that maybe there is a chance that down the line this comfortableness needs to complacency - I hope it's easy to spot that.

I'd take it as meaning he loves you in the way you love a close friend or brother, but that he doesn't fancy you any more and want to shag you senseless.
That's what I'd mean if I said it to someone.
If my husband said it to me our marriage would be over.

This might possibly sound a bit "Woman & Hearth" or something, but sobody's mentioned good old-fashioned flirting yet.

The appeal of an affair revolves around feeling special, yes? Home life: with all the laundry & shopping & kids & clogged guttering & unpaid bills & bath scum ... doesn't make you feel all that special, at least not in the romantic sense. While every couple should have date nights and the occasional dirty weekend, there's a whole bunch of everyday stuff that can get eroded.

Couples often stop looking each other in the eyes. They often stop asking interesting questions, and almost invariably stop listening to the answers. They forget to find out who they're married to - everybody grows & changes, but couples often fail to notice. They stop touching each other: you know, those little touches you do when you're fascinated by someone. They give up playing, especially if they have DCs to play with. The odd dance around the kitchen, or late-night trampoline fiasco, doesn't do any harm (well, they might if you're too drunk & fall over, but that's not the point.) I know people who've been married 20 years and aren't sure what colour their DPs' eyes are.

You would seriously end your marriage over it 2rebecca??

Feelings change and evolve. The connection can be refound though.

I know I have had periods of feeling like this about my DH. I am currently the one who has had it said to them. It hurts like hell, it brings up so many questions but I truly believe that you can work through it if you try.

Seriously - the book is very good.

I would, I wouldn't want to live with a man who no longer fancied me at my age. You could rub along as friends, but I'd rather then have him as a friend who didn't live with me so I could shag someone who did fancy me.
To me a long marriage has no merits for its own sake.
I'm quite happy without a man though, plus my current husband is not the father of my kids. If you have young kids you may be more inclined to have a platonic marriage.

anothernamechange No, I'm not getting confused. You said downthread that:

"MY DP has more or less said to me he isn't feeling the "spark" and isn't sure if he's "in love and feeling as much as he should be".

What I am saying to you is that if this were said to me, my first conclusion would be that my DP felt a spark for someone else. As others have said, it doesn't have to always mean an affair is happening, or in the offing even, but IME, it usually does mean at the very least, that someone else has loomed into view, I'm afraid.

If this is the case, it's always better if a partner is honest about it, because temptation is normal. A bit of honesty (again) would save the other party jumping through hoops wondering what "I'm not in love with you" or "the spark has gone for me" really means. As 2Rebecca says, it is normally pretty simple - he doesn't fancy you like he used to and this has come into sharp focus because he realises he fancies someone else.

Partners can fall back in love with eachother - but it's made all the more difficult when people are being disingenuous about what has really triggered this statement.