Wise mumsnetters. I need words of strength.

[pleasereassure]

Name changer.

After 10 years of marriage, I asked DH to leave four weeks ago. I won't bore with the details but the lack of involvement with the family, chores, money, no love or affection plus the obsession with computer games all day all night just got too much.

He moved out and is living in a static caravan. Has seen the 2 DSs twice, then took them to his grandmas for the weekend.

On return at lunchtime today, DS1 asked why "Melanie" (false name) can't come to our house. It then transpires that DH has been seeing "Melanie" for the past two weeks and she and her daughter also went to Grandmas for a sleepover.

I knew nothing of this new relationship. I am seething that he chose to foster a weekend away with a new woman and her child, whilst DS1 (7) and DS2 (5) are still coming to terms with DH moving out. It has been less than four weeks. He said he met her two weeks ago and she is a friend of his Aunty's.

Please help me. I want to stay calm. I want to think that it's none of my business. I want to bring my children up understanding that people make choices, some good, some bad. Please help me.

What is it you actually want help with? Is it to put boundaries in place so your ex doesn't fuck his new bit of stuff on the odd occasion he has custody of his kids?

It is your business when he is doing this in front of the kids without the decency of telling you and you preparing the kids. not that they should have had any idea he had a new friend anyway.

I can understand why you are seething. I would be too.

You could tell him when he sees the dc it has to be without her and her dc because your dc deserve having him to themselves at the moment. If the relationship becomes more long term i think you will have to give on this tho and accept that she will spend time with your dc.

If asking him to go was the right thing to do and you have no doubt and no regrets then this should almost make it easier to move on. It is hard, i have been there but at least you are shot of him. From your descrpition id say you're well rid.

Good luck. x

DS1 was made to sleep with the woman's daughter, aged 6. I feel that this is so wrong.

Fab, yes. I feel very annoyed that the only quality time he has with the children he chose to take the other woman.

He spent all afternoon in the pub with the woman whilst DSs were in the park with his Aunty. I feel weird about this. I understand that further down the line that this might be an option. But DH is living by himself. He has so many opportunities to see the woman.

and I'm completely blocking out how I feel about him starting a new relationship a week after leaving me. I just want to be strong and handle the situation appropriately in the children's eyes.

Definitely.

Whose house was this?

I think you need to sit down with this man and establish boundaries. Basically you have had a very clear message that your relationship with him is over and you are well shot of him so at least you are not going to waste time wondering if/when he will come back.
Tell him he needs to prioritise his DC and not rush them into new relationships when they are unsettled but make sure you make no comments at all about the fact he has a new GF other than WRT how it affects DC - you must maintain an air of polite indifference on your own account.

yy SBG. I want to maintain the air of indifference. That's what I need strength for. I have made no comment about his new relationship, simply about the fact that I felt it was an inappropriate situation to put the children in, without my knowledge.

Fab, this was his grandma's house. It was obviously all done with his families consent and encouragement which isn't surprising. I worked for the family, put the family first with everything, and nursed DH back to health last year after cancer and chemo. My biggest gripe with DH was that he never put the children first, and definately not me. It was always about him.

Poor you, what a horrible situation, id be seething. When you asked him to go, did you envisage it being permanent or temporary ?
Are your dcs upset by her prescence or did they just take it as dads got a new freind ?

I think you are well within your rights to ask him to not have her there when he has the dcs, after all he has all the time in the world to see her and this is meant to be their time with him.

Not much consolation but she is highly likeley to have been employed to punish you and piss you off for asking him to leave , he is probably relishing your reaction.

Considering that, its up to you whether to raise it, and of course whether your dcs were upset by it. If you do , try to stay calm.

It's hust so much for two children to take in.

Can I throw into the equation that we moved back from Australia this year, and we decided to move to Manchester, incase DH's cancer came back. The children have moved across the world, made new friends, started new activities and finally began to feel at home. And now all this.

I just want them to feel safe, secure, loved and stable. Stable.

Dignified, when I asked him to go it was the morning after a night of awful behaviour. 13 beers, plus his Prozac, followed by a morning of making the children sing songs about me and fire their toy guns at me.

He was acting very strangely, probably still drunk. Carried on doing intimidating things with his body (which I won't go into). Asked him to leave and go and stay at his mum's, but he said he was waiting for the children to day Goodbye. I had a burst pipe and water gushing through the ceiling.

I am ashamed to say I called the police. They were lovely and helped mediate. They asked him to help fix the pipe. He didn't, just left when his mother came.

We had been quite amicable since he left. I know that he's told everyone that I've viciously kicked him out, but I am sure he did not share the details of his bizarre behaviour.

I did offer to go to Relate (and we were due to go the week after he left) but he refused. Knowing what I know now, he must have been seeing "Melanie" by now.

I am happy without him. I have grieved and wept and have felt like I was having a heart attack, every day for the last four weeks. But I want my boys to grow up with a happy and healthy family, and I know my decision is for the best.

Sorry for long post. I don't cope well with grey. I'm a very black and white person, and I am worrying about the future; the unknown.

Poor you, poor DC and tbh poor 'Melanie' and her DC too! Does she have any idea what she is getting into, I wonder?
Tis man is fundamentally horribly selfish - and sexist. He doesn't think women are people at all. You are absolutely right to have thrown him out, he's vile and it would have damaged the DC much more to grow up in a household that revolves entirely around one selfish and unpredictable tosspot would have done them far more harm than growing up with separated parents.
I suggest that, given you had to call the police once, you contact the local DV unit again and ask for help/referrals to some sort of mediating service or counselling so you can sort out a formal structure of access for your DC. Remember that you don't owe the XP anything, any contact you have is for the DC's benefit, and that if he does things which put them at risk, or if he neglects them then you can stop contact and tell him to take you to court. (OK leaving them with his parents or an aunt might be lazy and selfish but if the people they are left with care for them properly ie keep them safe, fed and appropriately clothed, you can't refuse contact on those grounds).

Remember, remember, say it to yourself in the mirror every day, you are SO well shot of this knobber.

Oh SGB what a good idea. Yes, I did have a letter through from the DV unit saying that the incident would be kept on file. Never thought of that.

Just had a call from a friend who bumped into him today (minus my children, so no idea where they were...) and who declared that we had split and he was "getting his life back". I'm still confused as to when I took it away from him.

I am SO well shot of this knobber. (Repeats seventy times). And I am. And i will be fine.

It just blardy hurts so much.

sorry to hear this. He is of course a complete knob and you are quite right to be upset about it. My ex did something similar - I was told by my four year old about 'daddy's friend who stayed the night' and I had no idea. I was upset he'd moved on so quickly but I was furious that he bought our daughter into it without any warning, consulation or agreement about how we explained it to her.

It is quintessentially utterly selfish behaviour and shows that he has very little insight into how this impacts on your children.

I finally got my ex to agree that both of us would tell the other if we wanted to introduce our daughter to a new partner and both of us would tell the other how we explained it. Whether he will stick with that, I doubt because I honestly don't think he understands what he did was wrong.

I think all you can try to do is be strong and a good example to try and mitigate the damage that these kind of situations can cause. If it helps, you are not alone.

Woken up this morning still with heart attack pain. Is this stress?

could be that you are just so churned up by all the events.

Your DH sounds very much like mine. Mine used to play on his xbox all night long and at weekends whilst I did all chores and looked after DS. Mine moved out after 10 years of marriage and is living in a static caravan also - claims no OW though (allegedly)

I would see your GP and get yourself checked out just in case.

The pain (which I have also - although not to the same extent - mine is in my stomach) could just be stress but all the same go and see your GP.

Hope you have a good day

Yes, deffo churned up. I have decided that as he is making weird choices at the moment that I don't think I will be able to discuss things amicably.

Therefore I intend to start proceedings.

When he dropped off DSs he walked into my house, went upstairs and pissed loudly in the toilet with the door wide open. I mentioned that really he should have asked before striding in. His response was "I own half this house...". Yes, he owns part of this house. But it is my home now, and I would not dream of walking in to his caravan uninvited.

Must make sure that the children are dropped off outside the house in future.

I nee black and white and so will consult legal advice today. Any advice on this?

it will hurt for a long time. It is hard to just switch feelings off. I can't give legal advice but don't think about him anymore than you have too and concentrate on getting things sorted for you and the children.

Nothing to add that hasn't been said, apart from the fact that I imagine if Melanie and her daughter are already involved in sleepovers at Gran's then Melanie has probably been in his life for longer than 2 weeks.

He sounds delightful a real twat I think you and your children are much better off with out him.

If he can not/will not spend time with his children without his latest shag then do not let him see the children.

He sounds like someone who needs a doormat to wipe his feet on. You are not up for it anymore so he's adopted a new one 'Melanie' in this case. Poor woman. Oh well hopefully she'll figure it out before she's in too deep.

Listen, start divorce proceedings, get the access sorted out properly and make some clear ground rules (but don't expect him to comply with them because clearly he's God's gift to Womankind )

Agree with Bucharest as well, a two week relationship is unlikely. I would say this has been going on a lot longer.

Thanks all. Runawaywife, can I do that though? Can I really stipulate that visits must be without the OW, at this stage?

It makes me feel so sick over the presence of someone else so quickly.

Because of the positive advice on this thread I have sent him a message today, knocking Wednesday evening's visit (in which I was going to talk about access as well as him seeing the children) on the head.

I'm not thinking straight and I feel that I need to really get some advice prior to discussing things with him. It was a two sentence message simply stating the above and the fact that the children's needs and emotions MUST come first. Now for getting some legal advice.

Of course you can (imo). You have the express right to say where your children go and if your in-laws are allowing him to conduct adultery under their roof while your children are there, well...

Wow. Fab, I never thought of it like that. I had naively assumed that whatever happened on H's shift was his business.

I am glad he will not be coming on Wed. My "heart pain" is steadily increasing and so I need time for the anxiety to go.

I am really trying to get legal help so I know what I can and can't ask him to do. I need to get custody sorted immediately so that I am reassured that the children will stay in my home. I am assuming that no judge will make them move into a caravan....

Financially, I feel like a fool. He has not wanted to talk about money apart from to stake a claim in our property. I now feel like yelling knowing that he's been wining and dining OW. What a prat he is.

Please reassure me that this physical pain ends at some point. I feel as though I am combusting!!

It will end, in a way at least you are getting the worst over now and not dragging it out. I think it took six months for me to be physically okay again. I wish I'd sorted the legal stuff then, am only doing it now nearly two years later.
Most solicitors will give you a free half hour of advice. Just google ones in your area that specialise in family law. Do you need legal aid? And the CAB are excellent, please go and see them.