SEX question- tell me how ladies...

[fillmein]

to have an orgasm with my DH. Been together over 20 years but had big no-sex periods due to my ill health.

Bit long and complicated so bear with me.

Never had the big O until I was quite middle aged- just didn't happen, even though I had a gorgeous sex therapist for a boy friend once- I must be hopeless!

Managed to achieve it with DIY a while back, though it always takes me a good 30 minutes or more.

Get close during sex but never let go enough. (This is all clitoral by the way- not expecting vaginal Os.)

DH is very patient and loving. BUT he is also a very quiet person and I find that a bit inhibiting. I just can't let myself go as I feel embarrassed. If he was a bit more open and communicative- verbally- I wonder if it would help? I feel embarrassed about grunting and groaning and showing pleasure as he is so very quiet. I think the reason he doesn't talk is that he afraid of distracting my concentration! I don't feel we are "together" IYSWIM.

My BIG question is- do I feel inhibited because of how he is behaving-or is it that I simply haven't learned how to relax enough?

On a deeper level we have communication problems due to his quietness and inability to talk to me, especially about anything emotional. This has sometimes brought us near divorce and although I know he dearly loves me, I often feel "lonely" with him, and am constantly assessing whether he is right for me, in lots of ways.

So I don't know if we are simply a "bad fit" mentally and sexually, or if it's me who hasn't learned how to have an O with a man!

Help me ladies.

Is he the only man you have slept with?

OMG no!

I haven't had loads of men- can just about count them on one hand- but some of the others were too young and/or inexperienced , and although I had a sex therapist as a lover for a whole year, it didn't happen then either!

Maybe it's just me and I am hopeless.

You are not hopeless.

I was just wondering if it was more him than you if you have had other lovers.

I think you need to talk to your DH. You need an emotional connection before the physical imo. If DH and I have been arguing he will not come anywhere near me. If we have been together all day with lots of cuddles, kisses, etc then it is more like making love than just sex later.

Maybe get yourself to Ann Summers and get a toy to sort out what works for you but you really need to talk to your husband. I am sure he wants you to have a great time in bed too.

Or he should!

I don't want to sound crude, but you need to perservere with masturbation. If you can learn what gets you off, then you can teach him?

Agree with Fab re:Ann Summers, but if that's too public and cringey for you try lovehoney.co.uk. Buy some lube and a bullet type toy that isn't too big or scary looking and take it from there!

Ps- you absolutely aren't hopeless

what should I talk to him about?

I have a toy- I use it alone and he doesn't know. For some reason I am inhibited with him sexually.

He is very loving and affectionate and can't keep his hands off me. He tries very very hard to please me, and so much so that I feel under pressure.

BUT he is very different to all my girlfriends, who are quite extrovert and "ballsy" wheraes he is very quiet. I think that I respond better to people who are just a bit more forthright and outgoing than I am- but am I overthinking this whole thing?

There must be women who have orgasms as a result of one-night stands and with men they hardly know- so is it all down to technique and learned responses, rather than this psycho-babble I'm spouting?

clucky- thanks for that.

I think I do know what makes me tick, and I do try to show him/tell him at the time, but I always cop-out just before I pop, if that makes sense, as I just feel - well, silly!

It is more common to take a long time to orgasm and to only have clitoral orgasms than certain magazines would have us believe

You know that everything is working as you can do it yourself - if it's something you haven't been doing for long then your body is not "used" to it - and the more you practice the more your body will understand what it;s feeling and you will become more relaxed and gradually it will become easier and easier (well IME anyway ).

Then there's the whole achieving it with a man business.

I think you and your DH need to work on feeling more comfortable with each other sexually - forget orgasm for now and concentrate on relaxing more with each other. have a few glasses of wine, broach the subject of is there anything either of you would like to try (just talking about things makes for a closer more open reationship even if you don't do them IYSWIM), try and talk a bit during sex, is there anything he would like, um, I dunno just thinks to try and get you both (him) to relax a bit more.

The other thing you can do is masturbate while he is doing otehr things (not like the washing up ) or while you are having sex.

Really you need to learn how to DIY it, then to incorporate that DIY into your sex life with your DH, then over time he does a bit more and you do a bit less until you can hand the baton over compltely

I hear that is the way some people go about it anyway.

Oh you mean that you can't quite manage the final push as he's so quiet you'll be embarrased?

Have a few drinks

and/or

Give him a few drinks

and/or

Put some music on to drown the noise out a bit!

Once you've managed it once there'll be no stopping you.

Thanks ladies. A mixed bag of responses ranging from no hope if he's not really doing it to your head, to well, maybe it will work with some practise!

"The other thing you can do is masturbate while he is doing otehr things (not like the washing up grin) or while you are having sex. "

This made me laugh!

I did tell him that sometimes I need a little break during our extended foreplay and he joked maybe I'd like to go and make dinner..."

I still don't know if it's personality issue or totally a sexual thing- I'd like him to be more Alpha male, whereas he is soooo gentle and caring and eager to please.

Yes,I do enjoy it- it's just that sometimes I feel like a record that's got "stuck" at a certain point and by having a little break I seem to get revved up a bit better. (Sorry- totally mixed metaphors.)

69, using toys or fingers at the same time during sex which can be done in pretty much any position. I orgasm everytime and always have done since 18 when I met my husband. I also constantly play out dirty scenarios in my head mostly stuff i have stored from reading the literotica site lol

ok, I don't do sex advice but I HAVE HEARD that fantasies about other people can be quite productive

So is it that you're nearly nearly there but can't quite get the last bit?

Is it with him doing stuff or with you/both of you?

If it's with just him, I think you need to actually do the final bit yourself (with him attentively joining in elsewhere/around the same area) so you can get it to happen. I think it can become a built up in your head into such a big deal that it becomes even more difficult to let go.

have you tried DIY with him there as well?

fantasies and stories are the thing for me and I have trained DH to tell fab stories now!!

Where's Reality when you need her?

She wil of course advise cumulo-nimbus

I couldn't possibly comment

Imso- yes that's right- just can't manage the last bit. I feel embarrassed- and have told him that. I think it's partly because it has become a big deal for him to try to please me. I feel guilty if I "fail", which I know is mad.

He, meanwhile, is quite happy to DIY himself at times with me there as he finds it very sexy.

I am more able to talk about sex and so on, (out of bed) and he isn;t but in bed it's the other way round.

Maybe I am more screwed up than I thought.

I don't think you're screwed up at all.

All of this has been built up into a huge deal now, it's no wonder you can't relax. You're feeling under a lot of pressure to perform. And he's feeling under pressure to get you to orgasm.

Can you talk to him at the beginning of foreplay, as a sort of compromise?

I think you need to decide between you that you're going to stop going for this goal of orgasm, and go back to having good sex without that in mind at all. Reassure him that you enjoy it even if you don't come (assuming that's the case). Take the pressure right off, and over time experiment with stuff and put more DIY in, in your lovemaking and by yourself, and one day it'll just happen. Will probably take a while, but once it's happened once, it'll be much easier to do it again.

Honestly you're not screwed up.

BTW have just reread your OP -

Is amazing that you have regained your sex life after long no-sex periods - it's so hard to get back once you've stopped, that is really amazing.

OTOH if you are not entirely sure you're right for each other - well that's not ideal in general.

For the orgasm thing and whether you need a deep emotional connection, or just to feel attracted to and really relaxed with someone - that comes down to what sort of person you are. I certainly don't think that the lack of orgasm is a definitive sign that you're fundamentally not right for each other - you started masturbating when you were older and it takes ages for you to do it - you're just not someone who orgasms at the drop of a hat IYSWIM. Not necessarily anything to do with your relationship.

Thanks- that's really helpful and reassuring.

I agree that we have to relax and remove "the goal".

I wouldn't like to say how long we were celibate for- well, we did stuff but no penetration due to my health issues- but it was years.

There is hope then!

Good luck and have fun!

He's probably gentle and caring because of your health issues, maybe a bit scared of hurting you?

Get a bullet vibe, a multi speed one, you can use it for foreplay or you can hold it in place while he's inside you , or he can use it while giving you oral, I have to say that having him inside you will probably get better results, especially if he rocks back and forth gently ( put your bum up on a pillow).

Oh, and lube. Always use lube, it could make all the difference because everything feels nicer with lube.

How about a no sex week/fortnight/month?

You can do anything but. Apparently it is meant to help the deed when you do finally do it.