DP using porn and lying to me about it - WWYD

[flockwallpaper]

DP and I have struggled with our relationship since DS was born two years ago. Before I was pg we had a good sex life but once I became pg DP lost interest in sex and took to sleeping in the spare room, which I was upset about but I thought it would be temporary as it was to do with the pregnancy. Some men don't fancy pregnant women and although I didn't like it, I could live with it IYSWIM. He always had a good 'reason' not to sleep in the same bed. When pg, I found sleep quite difficult and would disturb him, then when DS was born, I had to get up in the night for feeds, etc.

Sleeping in separate beds and the lack of sex continued and when DS was a year old, I said to DP that I wanted to revive our sex life and he agreed but he told me that he had just lost interest in sex now he is getting older (he is some years older than me), and he found that he slept better in a single bed (again, he had a history of insomnia so I didn't really question it). He flatly refused to go to the doctor as I thought there may be a physical problem and eventually we had sex on a couple of occasions, although I sensed he didn't really want to. He has also made negative comments about me being overweight.I am not skinny but I am at the lower end of the weight range for my height. I had also asked him whether he was interested in porn, thinking it might be something to get his interest again, but he told me clearly that he wasn't interested in it.

Last night he went to bed early. I had a bath and realised I had left my hairdryer in the room where he was asleep, so I opened the door carefully and snuck in so as not to wake him. He had his laptop in front of him in bed, and well, you can guess the rest. I just left him to it as I wasn't up for an argument.

Today he went out so I went onto his laptop and I found evidence that he has been accessing hardcore porn sites for a long time. He is still out at the moment but I feel really upset that he has lied to me all this time, and given that he is probably comparing my body with porn star bodies, it is hardly surprising he is not interested in sex with me.

So what would you do? I wonder if I should tell him to get out - can a betrayal like that ever be worked through? Should I give him an ultimatum, or should I put up with the situation for the sake of DS? Have any of you ever experienced a similar situation? Sorry for the long post, am really upset.

I really feel your sadness over this and am sorry for you. Firstly, I don't think you should take his porn watching as a personal slight against you. ALL men watch porn. It satisfies the male need for physical titillation. Men can watch other men doing things that they wouldn't dare of asking their partners to do. Secondly, there is obviously an issue of intimacy between you both. Perhaps he is getting used to having a new child and needs time before he can think of himself as a sexual being again. Perhaps he feels unconfident of whether he can perform sexually like he used to do before. From your point of view you need him to give you answers. Perhaps, leave it a few days before asking him outright. When he comes home today, if it were me, I would act normal. That will take the pressure off and make it easier for you to confront the problem at a later time. I hope this helps.

You have put the porn aspect of this front and centre but I think your problem is communication and intimacy.

If you wrap it up in the porn angle then you won't move on. You need to find out why he is avoiding intimacy.

I would be more concerned about him wanting to sleep away from you tbh.

Would he go to counselling with you?

Thanks both of you for your replies. pagwatch, I asked him if he would go to counselling with me, or alone but he flatly refused and said it would be a waste of time. I just cannot seem to see a way to tackle this in a positive way, but maybe I am not in the best frame of mind at the moment. When I suggest things he bats them away.

Alvira, maybe I should leave it a day or so to tackle him when I am a bit less emotional about it. It isn't the porn as such that upset me as much as the fact that he has lied so insistently for such a long period of time.

Also, I think he has wanted to be in separate beds all this time because it gave him a free rein to use porn on his laptop without me knowing. Do you think it is possible that he has an addiction to porn that he is too ashamed to talk about? I don't know what to think, my head is a mess.

Men lie about porn all the time. It's a hangover guilt from their teenage years when they had to hide their porn stash from their parents. Having said that, he has lied to you and needs to be honest. Do leave it for a few days to give YOURSELF time to recover before you do battle.

I am tryingto think about why people lie - isn't it usually to avoid blame or avoid shame?

Do you think he might just be having problems and is too ashamed to talk about it ( you know - in that way that men sometimes are )

I have to say I have no experience of this and hopefully other, much wiser, MNers will come along. But I think he sounds like he is avoiding through shame or vulnerability.

Do you hug and show each other affection? How would he react do you think if you told him that you feel lonely without him?

Blame or shame? That's a good way of looking at it. I will have to have a think about that.

I told him that I felt lonely without him but it didn't make him change his behaviour in any way. He isn't very affectionate either, he has been fairly cold since I became pg.

oh flock, the lack of affection and the indifference to your lonliness makes me agree much more with Kerry..

I would be getting much more specific about what is and what isn't acceptable.

That is shit for you. He is being very selfish

Kerrymumbles, my gut tells me you are right. He is sticking it out with me for the sake of our son. I am not unattractive but I could never compete in the looks department with 18 year old porn actresses.

I have to do something about it but I don't know what yet.

The thing that really frightens me is that my partner lost his business in the recession, so I have been the only earner whilst he looks after DS. It would destroy me if we split up and he got custody.

So the long and short of it is I think I am stuck. I have to try and make it work somehow, at least until our circumstances have changed. If anyone has any experience or advice, I would appreciate it. I have to go out now to meet my partner and son, but will check back later.

with regards to custody, would you not be able to come to some sort of arrangement where he has DS when you work and you have him eveings/ weekends when you aren't working. that way DS would live with you but you get free childcare or would you DP fight for full custody?

I have no idea - I am worried that he would apply for full custody and I would be stuck working to support all of us but not have DS living with me. I work because it is the only way our family has been able to stay afloat financially> I would rather stay home if it was possible.

you wouldn't HAVE to work if you were a single mum, but you would be financially better off. could you cut your hours down to just part time? do you think part of the problem is the fact your DP doesn't work? many men find it haard to stay at home with the kids while the woman brings the money in.

Firstly, it's not true that all men use porn.

flock, I used to be very tolerant of porn use - as most MNers are - but I've changed my view. Everyday porn is now as hard-core as the back-room stuff used to be, and is readily accessible. There is such a thing as porn addiction. The signs are that your husband is addicted. It's so much easier than having to spend time on a real woman (!); the sensation of a DIY hand job is more clear-cut and much faster than real sex; it forces an emotional separation of love and sex ... none of which you'd want happening in a long-term relationship.

You've attempted to discuss your feelings and he's showing no signs of caring a whole lot. This is the opposite to the answer I'd have given you ten years ago - but imo you've already lost him. Grieve, make plans and set yourself free.

Sorry

Sorry you are going through this. I would be so hurt and upset in your position. It sounds as though he's distanced himself physically and emotionally for a long time. This is as upsetting as the lies and the betrayal you feel about the use of porn.

I agree that you need a bit of time to think over how you feel and how you want to move forward. Then you need to confront him. Is there anyone in RL you can confide in, who knows the both of you? I know it's hard when there is so much sensitive stuff and it's so personal, but it might help to get some perspective.

You need to see a counsellor to talk through your feelings, ideally as a couple, but at least for you.

Good luck xx

I don't have any specific advice about the porn issue, but you have my sympathy.

what i would say is this: if you think you can have a discussion about it tonight, then I would try to do this. If you leave it for a few days to 'calm down' you may well find yourself getting far more wound up and thinking yourself into a corner about your options.

He is likely to be expecting to talk about this sooner rather than later and I would guess that the longer you leave it, the more likely he is to feel that you have accepted it.

I would try to focus on the things that are upsetting right now, and not worry too much about issues like custody etc.

When you talk to him, don't worry if you get upset and emotional. That's what happens to normal people!

Good luck. It sounds like a miserable situation to be in.

Sorry you are in this position. As for the porn "stars" - I know you see yourself as somehow unable to compete, but he didn't marry one of them, and to be frank, like most men, he'd have no chance to have some fun with one anyway, as they're living a completely artificial life.

They're really not worth worrying about, with their fake boobs and false smiles, so please put them out of your mind. Remember you've only changed shape a little and in a perfectly natural way, but just like someone on Gok Wan's show, you may have a more negative opinion than anyone else, and it's most likely in your head, not real problems at all.

It seems like this has so rocked your world that you are almost expecting him to 'get custody' but hopefully (if his stubbornness about counselling can be overcome) you can come back from the edge and find some way to move forward, together.

You definitely need some time to think, if only so you don't jump head first towards giving him an ultimatum that could split you apart.

I think you've moved from a position of concern / upset / feeling cheated and angry with his dishonesty, to expecting the worst. Honestly, do you think, if he changed to be less cold, more willing in terms of counselling, and appreciative that you've moved from being a couple to a family, that you can still want him to be part of that ?

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You mentioned "I found evidence that he has been accessing hardcore porn sites for a long time." which puzzled me - most browsers only show a history of 30 to 60 days - so has he been spending cash on them so you found confirmations of payments (for example) ?

Was going to add a query (but tell me to mind my own business if it's TMI) as to whether the website(s) were plain vanilla or kinky / fetish sites ?

Someone who wanted to wear frilly undies and a basque, and be hit with a cane until blood was drawn (just kidding!) might forever deny looking at sites which gave them pleasure. It might have just been a casual interest initially, and having said "not interested" to you months back, not thought anything more but with time to spare, may have been a time-filler or apparently (to him) "innocent hobby", while you've seen it like he's turned his back on you and is cheating with other women.

Similar to a different thread where someone was upset to find her partner, a few years older than her, had phoned one of the 'Babestation' girls. She, too, found it "shook her world", while I said I could imagine it a lot more worrying if partner went to strip clubs or for lapdances, as that would offer opportunities to meet women in RL, unlike the phone line, or in this case, some tacky websites.

Not wanting to overlook it, or play it down, but trying to see it a bit more calmly.

NG, I think the issue that has impacted on most of us is that her husband has turned his back on sex with her, and dismissed her feelings about it. Not the "simple" matter (haha) of using porn, in secret, on a regular basis.

So we're looking at a sexually & emotionally problematic relationship, where secrets are being kept about the pron. That's what I meant when I said he shows signs of addiction.

Oh Flock it's always such a shock and upsetting when you first find out. But it's such early days with the guilt/ shame/ anger swirling around. Please don't make any rash decisions yet. Let the dust settle.

I've only just commented on someone else's thread so I feel I'm repeating myself, I don't want to make my post all about "me" as this should be about you. But my husband had a porn addiction, I didn't find out for years; 5 years to be precise. HE too went "off" me when pregnant and also the breast feeding he took issue with I mistakenly thought it would make him more adventurous and "up for it". It actually reduced his labido. My close friends husband I've only recently discovered, also has a porn addiction and he is exactly the same. This doesn't mean everyone who watches porn must not feel like sex much. It just means in my situation it did affect our sex life and not in a good way, like I'd have thought. I'm not sure why I'm typing this, as depending on what porn it is and frequency of watching and the person, I suspect it affects them and the sex life in varying ways. But I did want to mention it.

Ultimately my H actually had an affair and he said his reason was because he felt he couldn't express himself with me and that was also why he watched porn. The OW was age 21 and certainly more like the Porn stars than me with 2 DCs and a baby belly

He never did tell me in our marriage his needs weren't met or he'd like to try different things etc. I sometimes wonder if we'd been more open and honest about our sex life whether he would've had an affair, but I have no idea. But I wish I'd known and found out sooner and we'd tried to work through it.

So I guess what I am trying to say is I believe things can be salvaged in your situation but it'll take time and a willingness by him and you to be open about things you're dissatisfied about or you'd like to improve on. Relate do offer sex therapy, I'd be tempted to get on the waiting list and perhaps go without him if Relate do that? As it can't hurt you to at least be able to talk with someone knowledgeable. To help you deal with it and process feelings and if he wants to join you after a while, then great! But I could be wrong here, it maybe only with both people going it's offered (maybe I should read their website ) But it's certainly not all lost yet in your marriage, you're just both reeling from this coming into the open. I'm not saying it's right what he's done but I suspect he kept it hidden for this very reason and was feeling shame. He's not the first or last man to watch Porn and each couple has to find what is acceptable to them on what type to watch and frequency etc.

How you take it from here is up to you both, I like to think and that if he is willing to discuss things with you once things settle, hopefully you can find a middle ground. I'm not very knowledgeable myself and I suspect someone like SGB will come along soon to advise, but that's my thoughts FWIW.

IGA - I was not overlooking the 'turn his back on her' situation, but more cautious than anything about 'not setting fire to the bridge of reconciliation' - and pleased 'teaandcakeplease' has echoed in a way.

Certainly not a 'simple matter' nor trying to laugh it off, but it needs some discussion to know more about why it got to replace sharing a bed, and 'more'...

I saw a couple of posts hinting at there being nothing left to salvage and while that might genuinely be the case, it's far from past the point of trying to set about salvage, rather than saying 'over and done with, now move on'...

I do agree with Network Guy. I certainly when I walked away from my marriage didn't do it lightly. I wanted to be sure first that I'd done my best to resolve things, so I'd never look back with regret. Especially as we had small children.

I suppose in a way my experience does colour the advice I give, but everyone is guilty of that to a degree.

I certainly think OP's marriage isn't unresolvable yet. It's worth trying to see if it can be salvaged before walking away. It does take 2 to make a marriage work of course but it's early days...