DP using porn and lying to me about it - WWYD

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DP and I have struggled with our relationship since DS was born two years ago. Before I was pg we had a good sex life but once I became pg DP lost interest in sex and took to sleeping in the spare room, which I was upset about but I thought it would be temporary as it was to do with the pregnancy. Some men don't fancy pregnant women and although I didn't like it, I could live with it IYSWIM. He always had a good 'reason' not to sleep in the same bed. When pg, I found sleep quite difficult and would disturb him, then when DS was born, I had to get up in the night for feeds, etc.

Sleeping in separate beds and the lack of sex continued and when DS was a year old, I said to DP that I wanted to revive our sex life and he agreed but he told me that he had just lost interest in sex now he is getting older (he is some years older than me), and he found that he slept better in a single bed (again, he had a history of insomnia so I didn't really question it). He flatly refused to go to the doctor as I thought there may be a physical problem and eventually we had sex on a couple of occasions, although I sensed he didn't really want to. He has also made negative comments about me being overweight.I am not skinny but I am at the lower end of the weight range for my height. I had also asked him whether he was interested in porn, thinking it might be something to get his interest again, but he told me clearly that he wasn't interested in it.

Last night he went to bed early. I had a bath and realised I had left my hairdryer in the room where he was asleep, so I opened the door carefully and snuck in so as not to wake him. He had his laptop in front of him in bed, and well, you can guess the rest. I just left him to it as I wasn't up for an argument.

Today he went out so I went onto his laptop and I found evidence that he has been accessing hardcore porn sites for a long time. He is still out at the moment but I feel really upset that he has lied to me all this time, and given that he is probably comparing my body with porn star bodies, it is hardly surprising he is not interested in sex with me.

So what would you do? I wonder if I should tell him to get out - can a betrayal like that ever be worked through? Should I give him an ultimatum, or should I put up with the situation for the sake of DS? Have any of you ever experienced a similar situation? Sorry for the long post, am really upset.

You lovely people, what would I do without your kind words, tea and chocolate? . Thank you.

I spoke to DP about it last night. I tried to keep it factual - he was using porn in secret whilst making no effort with me and that I had reached the end of my rope with the relationship as it were, if nothing changed for the better right now. He said straight away that he was wrong to view porn behind my back whilst our sex life was non existent and he acknowledged he should have made more of an effort. He also admitted that he became a regular porn user when I got pregnant. He also said that he did still fancy me but was angry (with me) about the way his life had changed since we had the family that I'd wanted - he was ambivalent about having children whereas I'd really wanted them and he'd agreed to try for a family for my sake. We talked for several hours about where it had gone wrong and what we could do to get things back on track. Interestingly, like your ex teaandcake, he had an issue with the breastfeeding, but had left it until now to say something rather than talking about it at the time.

I'm not saying that all is well now, but it was quite constructive. He was a lot more receptive to discussing it all than I thought he would be. He didn't deny that he used porn a lot (the vanilla variety networkguy) but he refused to go to counselling, which I'm not that happy with but he has agreed to make other changes and I have a few to make too. I don't have a problem with occasional use but I want him to commit to giving it up or drastically reducing its use whilst we work through the difficulties. Does that seem fair?

Part of me is cynical that this spirit of reconcilliation won't last, but I think we both want to try and work it out before giving up on the relationship.

I have a sinking feeling as he's not keen on counseling. As he actually needs to realise he has some ishoo's he ought to deal with/ discuss?

I mean what happens if you have another DC? My second child was unplanned and 17 month age gap and that was the nail in the coffin in my marriage. He also got very jealous of DCs too in similar ways to your H. He also comes from a very dysfunctional family though and has a lot of struggles tbh.

I really would love you guys to find a way through this and find a better marriage. But the fact he won't even consider counseling doesn't feel good to me

Hope I'm proved wrong though. Keep posting...

Tea and Cake asked me to come over to this thread, but OP you might wish that she hadn't...!

I think your DP is massively controlling and has got into a fatal habit of blaming you, feeling resentful, keeping secrets and with-holding. He seems to blame you for having children, being a normal and healthy weight, changing his life, affecting the quality of his sleep - and wanting a sex life.

Whenever I read about a man who finds his pregnant partner a sexual turn-off, I'd lay bets that the same man has got a madonna/whore complex and some extremely dysfunctional beliefs about women and their sexuality.

Like Grace, I often see a link between porn use and horrible attitudes towards women. It doesn't surprise me in the least that he can be cruel about your weight and your sexual attractiveness when you were at your most vulnerable; pregnant with his child.

I'd find it interesting to read how you two got together and what his past history of relationships has been; you say he's a lot older than you. If I had to guess, I'd say he's exited previous relationships via the infidelity route and that he has always liked younger women because he thinks they are easier to control.

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Sorry was just checking my name change

I am in a similar situation - i found out about dh's porn addiction 8 months ago now. he lied about it initially, then confessed, then we had 3 good months, then he went back to it, lied again, confessed again. its been hell. so much sympthy from me.

a few points - i have to be quick as DD2 asleep but not for long, so sorry if this is a bit muddled.

not all men use porn. I am continually horrified, shocked and asddened by its acceptance on mN (and generally) as being 'harmless', and the 'boys will be boys'attitude stinks and is offensive to the (few) men who work hard to give their DH/DPs the respect and monogamy they deserve. having said that, stats tell us that most men do use porn...but not all. research also show it is damaging to relationships and sex, and to the women involved, and to boys who develop a distored view of sex, and to the girls they go on to have sex with..it is horrific and you have every right to be upset.

The lieing - I'm sad for you and feel your pain Its worse than the porn isn't it?

I agree with others who have said that the 'real' issue os not the porn. The Porn is a symptom of ofhter deeper issues your DH has, and of intamacy issues between you.

My DH sounds similar. He has trouble taking responsibility, resents the DC for the interruption to his life, feels like a 'victim' of life. This is very typical of porn addicts apparently. Its like any other addiction, in that the porn is a way of dealing with issues and escaping from life and hard emotions or situations. So your DH needs to be commited to both changing his behaviour so he is not hurting and decieving you (so for me this means no porn, software installed on PC etc, ...for you I don't know), AND at the same time he needs to deal with the issies he has about not taking responsibility etc.

If he would get councelling i would say you have a real shot at starting from scratch and creating a much better relationship. TBH I don't know how you'll manage this without councelling...not saying it wont be possible, but I think it will be harder.

Thankfully my dh sees a councellor fortnightly, and has opened up to a few close mates and he chats to them regualrly about how he is going, and how our marriage is going. We did some councelling sessions together initially but it bacame clear that he needs to do some work by himself first. We are planning to do some marriage enrichment courses soon (cheaper than councelling!)

so 8 months on we are slowly improving - it is possible. Good luck.

I really wish the frighteningly high number of porn apologists on MN would come and read this thread...

Glad you managed to have a long talk with your DH OP.

My concerns would be that if he 'drastically cut down' the use of porn, how would you know how much he was using? Would he be able to cut it out completely while you are getting your relationship back on track? If you found out he was using more than he let on, would things deteriorate again? If he is an addict, he needs to cut it out of his life completely as there are no half measures....

WWIFN, thanks for coming over here. I can see some truth in what you are saying. I think that is why my feelings are so mixed up. I'm trying to be optimistic because I feel we have to try and make it work but wondering deep down if it really ever will work out. If a friend of mine was in my position and told me what I have told you, I would probably be suggesting to her that he's an arse, and not to put up with it.

Camilliapple, thanks for sharing your story - I hope you work it out. I really have to push for the counselling don't I? He's not really facing up to the fact that he has a problem if he won't accept outside help.

INMCN, I agree there is probably no half measures. He has to cut out porn from his life and we have to deal with the fall out, which brings me back to the counselling. I am not sure how to make that happen in reality. Maybe I should ask him to lock his laptop in the cupboard when he goes to bed?

Maybe password and parental settings are an idea, set by you

If he agrees...? Hope you didn't mind me inviting WWIFN over here. I just always find she speaks a lot of sense on threads I read...

How are you doing today OP?

With men like these, if it wasn't porn it would simply be another distraction - they are emotionally immature, selfish and prone to cruelty.
Online porn is the easy option for these lazy and selfish men, it requires nothing from them , other than the ability to click a mouse, they can escape into their own seedy little world where they don't have to deal with real life and all it's mundane aspects.

They are, quite simply, inadequate as husbands/partners, as people really.

That may be true malificence, but it probably wont help FWP if she wants to try to make a go of things.

There is a piece of software called 'covenant eyes' (google it - its not expensive) which I have installed on all our computers. You can set it to either block certain content (which we found slowed the internet down too much...frustrating), or to send a message to an 'accountability partner' (which can be you or someone else) whenever certain content is accessed.Obviously you set up the passwords. Would that help you? Its not the only software out there, there are a few you could try. Spectre pro is another I have heard of but haven't used.

It is a sad, sad day when you have to install software on your DH's PC to check whether he has been lying to you

For me, that would signal the end of any relationship with him, other than as the father of my children

I am another who agrees that not all men use porn. Some, maybe even most, but not all. I am constantly amazed at how many MNers not only accept it from their partners, but also try to make out that those of us who do not like it are somehow strange. I do not like rich tea biscuits, but as yet I have not been told I am unreasonable in my dislike, whereas if I say I don't like porn, that is seen as unreasonable. Fine, if it floats your boat, but those of us who do not like it are entitled to our opinion also.

If your husband is denying you sex because of his porn use, he is being extremely disrespectful of you and your feelings/needs, yet is happy to fulfil his own needs at the expense of yours. If my husband was as dismissive of my needs in favour of his, regardless of whether it involved porn or something else, that would be the end of our relationship.

I'm back. The question in my head is 'does he really have an addiction that needs treatment?' in which case lets treat the problem and go from there, if he will cooperate of course. Addicts will lie and hurt other people to get their fix, so yes he has treated me like dirt but I will try and salvage the situation if it is a genuine addiction and he is willing also.

If this problem is just the actions of a weak, selfish and inadequate man who wants to blame all his failings on me and isn't prepared to go the full mile to make things right, of course I would rather get out if it was just me. I don't want to be a doormat and the problems in the relationship have gone on for long enough. I have got the resources to go it alone and I'm not frightened of being without a man, but I would worry about my son's world being rocked if we parted. And I would be worried if he turned nasty and tried to drag me through the courts for custody as I mentioned. Since he broke my trust I wonder how well I really know him and although he is fairly benign whilst he still has some control, if I initiated the split and made his cosy life more uncomfortable, he may become vindictive. He may not on the other hand - but if my DS is involved I almost don't want to take the risk. Sorry, now I'm rambling. Thanks for listening.

You are going to have times of doubt but it's early days. Take each day one step at a time. Don't look too far ahead in my opinion. Keep the dialogue open with him, be honest and see how it goes.

I still think he needs to consider Relate counseling for you 2 to really make progress though...

If it does come to divorce, I'm half way through one and we've managed to keep it amicable. It is possible and he see's DCs 2-3 times a week and I'm always amicable to him for DCs and he's nice back. IYSWIM?

Try not to over think things (easier said than done) just baby steps right now.

I've got to push the counselling haven't I, and take one day at a time? I know you are right. I'm also in a pessimistic frame of mind today, always worse when I'm tired. Thanks for being so kind.

teaandcake is rather lovely

Awww thanks AF

It is a very sad day when you have to install filtering software on your DH computer (I remember my tears ), but i don't think it has to be the end. The software 9or locking up the computer as you suggested FWP0, or whatever behaviour management you might choose can be a help if his attitude is right. Its like an alcoholic clearing out the liquor cabinet and decideing not to walk past the bottle shop while they quit and recover.

I think there are lots of men who would say they don't like porn/don't want to use or see it, but who would struggle with the temptation to - knowing it is but a click away. My DH has said that he hates to see semi nude women on billboards etc (as in, he likes to see them, but hates to, because he wants to have a monogamous thought life now!) I suspect many men are the same. The stuff on billboards/TV etc now is what was in the porn mags 30 years ago.

anyway, just saying that if your DH wants to stop and to sort things out with you, then you and he should do whatever it takes to help that process, and to help you to feel safe while he works through his addiction. The last thing you want is to be looking over his shoulder all the time, wondering what he is doing on the computer. Do what works for you. On the other hand, if he wont accept its his problem (not yours!) then locking up the computer or whatever will achieve nothing but will create resentment.

I have found this hard btw - friends saying "gosh, I would have walked out by now if I were you" and me feeling like I must be weak or foolish to be staying. Its over when you say its over, not when other people think it should be.

So much depends on your DHs attitude. Do push for councelling, and shop around until you find one who you and he can open up to.

hang in there. keep discussions open, but don't feel like you need to have every conversation while things still feel so raw.