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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know I'm being petty but.....

62 replies

DetectivePotato · 21/05/2010 20:11

I don't want to be constantly asked if I am ok by DH.

I'm sat, typing away or reading, he is watching the tv, he is ALWAYS asking me if I am ok. Grrr

Then there is the constant blowing kisses. We have been together for nearly 10 years. I don't need to still be constantly blowing kisses to him. If I don't do it back, he will do it until I do. Its annoying!!!

We still say I love you each day but I don't feel the need to say it several times a day and at least 3 times before we go to bed.

I'm finding it slightly suffocating and I feel like a total bitch for even thinking it but it gets on my fecking nerves.

OP posts:

WhatsAllThisThen · 21/05/2010 20:43

Boo! I thought he might blow kisses for hours!

If you are for real, I think it would weird me out a bit too. Do you think he is feeling insecure in your relationship?

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 21/05/2010 20:45

Asecret I must have a miserable grumpy face then.

Whatsallthis Ummm, yes I am for real, why wouldn't I be.

He must be insecure tbh. I don't know why. We have been together 10 years, I've never strayed etc. Looking back I think he has always been like this and I am only noticing it more now.

OP posts:

MintCracknel · 21/05/2010 20:47

I know how you feel,do you know when I go to work in the morning we kiss/cuddle goodbye - thats great but then ....
I get into the car - we have to wave and blow kisses
I reverse out of the drive- he waves again
I start to go foreward - he waves again
I start going down the road - he's still bloody waving !!

WhatsAllThisThen · 21/05/2010 20:50

Apologies - I just wondered if you were kidding. It did sound slightly comical. Sorry!

e3chick · 21/05/2010 21:05

MintCracknel and OP, this is all very funny to an outsider.

I don't think you are being funny at all, I would find it all irritating in the extreme.

e3chick · 21/05/2010 21:06

I meant to say 'petty' not 'funny' in the second sentence.

MintCracknel · 21/05/2010 21:13

Thats it e3chick,it is irritating,I know I'm very fortunate to have a Dh who doesn't harm me but its so annoying and that not the only thing he does either !

vacaloca · 21/05/2010 21:17

It would drive me insane. And the more you notice it the more it'll irritate you. It's going to end it tears if you don't speak to him. Problem is that will make him even more insecure.

BalloonSlayer · 21/05/2010 21:26

So he is sat behind you, watching a film while you complain about him on Mumsnet.

You sit on separate sofas because "I like space to put my feet up, plus I am a fidget and get uncomfortable. I think he gave up asking me to sit next to him a long time ago."

Poor bloke. He sounds desperate for some attention. All the "are you OK?" questions mean "Are you angry with me?"

"He has often said in the past that I am going to run off with someone else " - hmm he thinks that the relationship is at a point where someone might run off with someone else, does he?

Malificence · 21/05/2010 21:27

Poor bloody men can't win - if they don't show much affection they're selfish gits, when they are loving and affectionate, they are annoying and irritating.

I know which version I prefer, the loving and affectionate, I'd rather be suffocated by love than starved of it.

WombFrootShoot · 21/05/2010 21:41

Oh DP.

I think I understand where you are coming from. I come from a really demonstrative family...NOT. Do you know, it's really weird but since I hit my late 30's I have realised how utterly outside of their mould I am! I have always kissed and hugged all of my family (I'm not talking about my mum and dad here, we were always dead cwtchy) and I never really realised how uncomfortable they all were - HEH!

Anyway, I had a terribly traumatic couple of years, my dad died, I got divorced, my house got repossessed, various other awful shit, and I kind of...withdrew. I'm still really affectionate to my family - but partners? Get the fuck away from me, you needy arse, is pretty much how I feel.

should have namechanged...

Um...not sure what point I'm rambling up to...but yeah, the constant demonstrations of love can change from...I LOVE YOU to....reassure me! VALIDATE ME! and that can be very fucking wearing.

whomovedmychocolate · 21/05/2010 21:46

Personally I think you are being a bit silly - you'd soon miss it if he stopped. But if this really annoys you, answer 'actually I really need to fart' and see if he offers suggestions or stops asking!

e3chick · 21/05/2010 21:48

Malificence I would stand for being neither suffocated nor starved of love. There is plenty of ground in between.

CrankyTwanky · 21/05/2010 22:16

I just blowed a kiss to my DH to see what he'd do...

He did this face and pouted a bit back.

I can see it would be cloying all the time.

moondog · 21/05/2010 22:28

Mint, this is hilariously surreal

'I know I'm very fortunate to have a Dh who doesn't harm me but its so annoying and that not the only thing he does either !'

My dh phones me every damned night despite being thousands of miles away and wants long loving conversations at about 5:30 every night, when I come in, feeling murderous after a long day at work and picking up two cranky kids from childminder.

He also refuses to put the phone down first.

Bless him.

grumblinalong · 21/05/2010 22:37

Hmm. I know you've been married ten years. And, you know, the fire should have died a bit (or a lot) by now and it would do my head in immensely if DP was like this (he's the opposite) but......in a tiny, squeaky, non offensive, little, voice 'Do you think it might be your issue and you're just going off him a bit?'

Just13moreyearstogo · 21/05/2010 23:00

DetectivePotato - did he have a bit of an insecure relationship with his mother? Could be that he's looking to you to provide something he didn't get as a child. I would certainly feel as you do in this situation.

estuardo · 22/05/2010 01:45

dp no advice but no wonder it bugs you.
Would bug the hell out of me

MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2010 04:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floopy21 · 22/05/2010 09:06

A bit at the posters who wondered why OP posted - is the relationship topic only for people having a horribly shit time?

Being asked of I was OK all the time would wear me down - can you talk to him about it gently? Maybe after sex so he doesn't feel all rejected, etc (clearly a little insecure)

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/05/2010 09:11

Er, he's only doing it to wind you up, cos he knows it does????

Malificence · 22/05/2010 09:15

Have a look at the bereavement thread and then slap yourself for being so petty, then be thankful for how fucking lucky you really are.

If being slightly irritated by someone showing their love for you is all you have to moan about, be very thankful indeed.

Ask someone like Trinity how she would feel, it might burst your self indulgent little bubble.

Original poster

DetectivePotato · 22/05/2010 09:31

There was no need for that Malifience

I know all about poor Trinity's situation. Does that mean I am not allowed to get annoyed at my DH at all. "it might burst your self indulgent little bubble." I have never said this before but do fuck off!!

"A bit at the posters who wondered why OP posted - is the relationship topic only for people having a horribly shit time?" I wondered this too Floopy obviously little things aren't allowed to irratate because there are people with far worse out there.

My mum abandoned me when I was 4 and won't have anything to do with me but I don't go on threads where people are complaining about their mums and tell them they should be greatful.

Mint I did smile when I read your post, although I can see how annoying that would be too.

Grumbling yes I admit it is probably my issue.

Just13years he appears to have a very good relationship with his mother. I was wondering last night if its because his dad died a couple of years before we met, 3 days after this his mum told him she had been having an affair. It would make sense I think but trying to get him to talk is like trying to get blood out of a stone.

To others who agreed, thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it annoying.

LittleMiss, no he's really not just doing it to wind me up, I promise. He really asks all the time and is being genuine.

"So he is sat behind you, watching a film while you complain about him on Mumsnet." I know, it sounds awful but he was watching some horror film that I don't like. Can't wait until the movie channels on Sky are gone!!!

OP posts:

Elenio · 22/05/2010 09:39

yes....nobody should ever complain about anything ever again. There are always people worse off than you

give the op a break. It would annoy the hell out of me as well. As e3 pointed out, there is a middle ground.

countingto10 · 22/05/2010 09:50

It sounds you like may both have some issues from the past that may need talking about etc through some counselling. My DH suffocated me a bit, constantly hugging me etc, in retrospect looking for validation, being insecure etc. I too came from a non-demonstrative family so found it hard. Also 4DC and I was knackered and didn't need more "neediness" around me if that makes sense.

Anyway up shot of it all was DH didn't think I loved him and went and got his "needs" met by OW. If we had gone to counselling before we had got to this point, discuss all the issues, then the affair would not have happened. We are together still and our marriage is/will be stronger because we now both understand why we behave like we do/did.

This is becoming an issue to you and needs addressing. I did tell my DH at the time that I felt suffocated but he took that as rejection. Can you see what I am trying to say. Please get some help via a third party to address the issues so that there are no misunderstandings.

Good luck.

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